Title: I Just Thought I'd Ask
By: MonkeyDonut
Rated: PG because nothing actually happens.
Disclaimer** - I don't own any of these characters, nor do I own the computer I wrote this on, nor am I paying for this computer connection. Please don't tell my boss.
Feedback: I live for your approval.
Summary: Cordelia is just trying to figure some stuff out. This is really short and rather pointless, but it's getting longer and somewhat poignant; takes place on BtVS season 2 sometime before "Surprise."
/-----/
Giles, Buffy, Cordelia, Xander, and Willow were sitting in the library talking about mostly nothing. Cordelia had a point to prove.
"So, I always wondered: vampires know that the Slayer exists, and that if she finds them, she is going to stake them through the heart with a sharp piece of wood," Cordelia said.
"Right," Xander replied.
"It's not always sharp," added Buffy.
"Okay, but they know you can kill them. So why don't they just all walk around with chain mail on or something, or wear 17 sweatshirts. Wood doesn't penetrate everything."
"Tell me about it," added Xander.
Everyone looked at Xander in confusion.
"Okay, I'll stop talking now, before anyone actually gets anything I say."
Buffy shook her head and responded.
"Well, vampires aren't all that intelligent. Or fashion sensible."
"To tell you the truth, most vampires are very, how would you say it, ego- centric." This was added by Giles, who began to clean his glasses. "All are cognoscente of the fact that the Slayer exists to destroy their kind, but none seem to, um, care. Most think if they were to ever fight the Slayer, they could kill her."
"And they've all been wrong." Willow frowned. "Well, except once."
"That kind of makes sense," said Cordelia. "But if I were a vampire and I knew Buffy was in town, I'd make sure I was wearing a little more than a tank-top."
"Or you could wear nothing at all and frighten me away," said Buffy.
"I would just like to say that that would not frighten me," said Xander.
"Huh?" asked Cordelia.
"What? Oh, nothing."
"Right, back to the original question," asserted Giles. "Vampires are driven by their ego, thinking that they are better than humanity. And, in many ways they are; stronger, faster, increased healing capabilities. Except for the fact that they turn to dust in sunlight, they are in many ways superior to all humans. Except for the Slayer, of course."
"And ninjas." Xander seemed immensely sure of himself. "Ninjas would kick some major vampire booty. They have throwing star thingies, you know."
"Yeah. Oh oh, and Jedis. With the mind control and everything." Willow added. "And light sabers are also handy for the alternate way for vampire slayage, the quick and easy decapitation."
"Right," quipped Giles. "But none of these people actually exist. The myth of the ninja has long been exaggerated and their practices, might I add, outlawed on the entire continent of Asia, whereas these so called 'Jedis' I've never heard of." Giles paused. "I must consult my books." Giles left for the stacks.
"Okay, who is Giles' keeper and why won't they let him out of his cage?" Xander asked.
"Anyway," Cordelia continued, but was abruptly cut short by Buffy.
"Oh, what about Gummi Bears? You know, "Bouncing here and there and everywhere." Vampires would be too confused to do anything about it. Although, I don't remember the Gummi Bears being all that violent..."
Everybody stopped and stared at Buffy.
"Oh, and I guess nobody else used to watch cartoons, huh?"
"Actually, I still watch cartoons," said Xander. "I just don't give them as much thought as you or, apparently, as much credit."
"Can we get back to when I was talking?" asked Cordelia. "I just don't get it. And what about Sunnydale and the whole hellmouth issue? Don't the vampires KNOW you live here? Why wouldn't they go to Los Angeles or New York or Seattle, someplace without a Slayer, or even, God help us, with less sunlight?"
"I think we already covered that one, Cordy," said Xander. "Remember, Buffy said 'vampires aren't all that intelligent' and then Giles agreed and then he got confused and ran into the stacks."
Buffy smiled. "I contribute."
On cue, Giles emerged from the stacks holding an old, dusty volume of demonology and lore.
"Actually, vampires are no more less intelligent than the average human being. However, they have immensely strong instincts and urges, almost bordering on animal or prime-evil in comparison. The attraction to the Hellmouth is one of those urges. Most of them don't know why they come here; they just find their way and think nothing of it."
Giles stopped as he fingered a passage. "Ah, here it is. It, um, it appears that the Jedi were an ancient order of misfit jokesters, carnival folk who delighted crowds with whimsical acrobatics and comic swordsmanship. Unfortunately, they weren't very good and amused very few. They traveled in small groups, nomadic by nature, mainly because no one could stand them for long periods of time." Giles closed the book. "No one liked them and they eventually vanished."
Xander stopped from saying something, then continued. "You realize you just made a mockery of most of my pre-pubescent existence." Xander pulled out a chair and sat down. "My whole life has been a lie."
"There there, Xander," comforted Willow. "Be strong. Let the force be your guide."
Cordelia shook her head. "You guys really need to get a life." She continued. "Look, all I'm saying is that some things don't add up. I mean, who builds a school on top of the Hellmouth, anyway? And why doesn't everybody else in this whole school or town get the fact that we live on top of it, anyway? With all the crazy stuff that's happened in the last year and a half, you would have to be totally oblivious to the whole world to not notice the murder, mayhem and otherwise completely unexplainable things that happen to me around here. I mean, hello, invisible stalker girl."
"You're right, Cordelia. It's all about you," said Buffy. "Come on, get a grip; I'm dusting vampires almost every night out there."
Xander raised his hand. "Um, remember me, almost-seduced-and-ravaged-by- hideous-insect-woman guy? Let's not forget about the freaky Incan mummy girl. I'm a crazed demon chick-magnet."
"Hey, what about me?" asked Willow. "I'm the only one who can say that they were a ghost for a night. Well, almost a whole night.oh, and I was seduced by a 500 year-old computer virus.er, demon."
Xander replied, "Gees, Wills; we really don't have much luck when it comes to dating, do we? Makes you wonder if something is really horribly wrong with us. Like we'll be doomed to walk the earth, only dating the crazed and hideous."
"Hello," snipped Cordelia. "I'm in the room."
"Did somebody say demon?" said Jonathon.
Everyone turned towards the door and saw Jonathon standing there with a girl, both looking lost and mostly out of place.
"No. Um, I didn't hear the word 'demon', did you Buffy?" asked Giles as he started to rummage through some books.
"Er, no. No demon here."
"Nope, no demons," said Xander. "Just a couple of kids talking crazy- talk."
"What do you want? Can't you see we're busy?" asked Cordelia.
"Um, a book? This is the library, right?"
"Yes, of course it's the library." Giles motioned everyone to get up and leave. "What kind of book do you need?"
"Stalin."
"Autobiographies, section 7, in the back."
Jonathon and his friend wandered up the steps and into the stacks.
"We'll continue this conversation, um, later. For now I think it's best if everybody just go home and get some rest."
"Agreed," said Willow. She got and walked to the door, looking over her shoulder. "Ready for some 20th century Socialism?"
"Studying? Ugh," whined Buffy, following. "Fine. My house, but AFTER ice cream."
"Ooh, ice cream."
"Hey, I want some ice cream." Xander got up quickly and followed the two out the door.
"What is it with him and those two?" asked Cordelia, obviously annoyed. "It's like they're all joined at the hip. I mean, look at the way those two dress. Can you believe the way Buffy flaunts it in front of Xander? And those sweaters Willow wears. Where does she find those? And why."
"Cordelia?" interrupted Giles.
"What?"
"No more questions." And Giles walked out the door.
Cordelia put on her coat and followed, trailing off, "I just thought I'd ask."
Jonathon emerged from the stacks.
"Did you say.? Er, hello?"
/---------------------------------/
//This fanfiction wasted a whole workday. It was very hard to type because it was freezing outside and my hands didn't work properly. Oh, and it's exceedingly hard to type with gloves on.
By: MonkeyDonut
Rated: PG because nothing actually happens.
Disclaimer** - I don't own any of these characters, nor do I own the computer I wrote this on, nor am I paying for this computer connection. Please don't tell my boss.
Feedback: I live for your approval.
Summary: Cordelia is just trying to figure some stuff out. This is really short and rather pointless, but it's getting longer and somewhat poignant; takes place on BtVS season 2 sometime before "Surprise."
/-----/
Giles, Buffy, Cordelia, Xander, and Willow were sitting in the library talking about mostly nothing. Cordelia had a point to prove.
"So, I always wondered: vampires know that the Slayer exists, and that if she finds them, she is going to stake them through the heart with a sharp piece of wood," Cordelia said.
"Right," Xander replied.
"It's not always sharp," added Buffy.
"Okay, but they know you can kill them. So why don't they just all walk around with chain mail on or something, or wear 17 sweatshirts. Wood doesn't penetrate everything."
"Tell me about it," added Xander.
Everyone looked at Xander in confusion.
"Okay, I'll stop talking now, before anyone actually gets anything I say."
Buffy shook her head and responded.
"Well, vampires aren't all that intelligent. Or fashion sensible."
"To tell you the truth, most vampires are very, how would you say it, ego- centric." This was added by Giles, who began to clean his glasses. "All are cognoscente of the fact that the Slayer exists to destroy their kind, but none seem to, um, care. Most think if they were to ever fight the Slayer, they could kill her."
"And they've all been wrong." Willow frowned. "Well, except once."
"That kind of makes sense," said Cordelia. "But if I were a vampire and I knew Buffy was in town, I'd make sure I was wearing a little more than a tank-top."
"Or you could wear nothing at all and frighten me away," said Buffy.
"I would just like to say that that would not frighten me," said Xander.
"Huh?" asked Cordelia.
"What? Oh, nothing."
"Right, back to the original question," asserted Giles. "Vampires are driven by their ego, thinking that they are better than humanity. And, in many ways they are; stronger, faster, increased healing capabilities. Except for the fact that they turn to dust in sunlight, they are in many ways superior to all humans. Except for the Slayer, of course."
"And ninjas." Xander seemed immensely sure of himself. "Ninjas would kick some major vampire booty. They have throwing star thingies, you know."
"Yeah. Oh oh, and Jedis. With the mind control and everything." Willow added. "And light sabers are also handy for the alternate way for vampire slayage, the quick and easy decapitation."
"Right," quipped Giles. "But none of these people actually exist. The myth of the ninja has long been exaggerated and their practices, might I add, outlawed on the entire continent of Asia, whereas these so called 'Jedis' I've never heard of." Giles paused. "I must consult my books." Giles left for the stacks.
"Okay, who is Giles' keeper and why won't they let him out of his cage?" Xander asked.
"Anyway," Cordelia continued, but was abruptly cut short by Buffy.
"Oh, what about Gummi Bears? You know, "Bouncing here and there and everywhere." Vampires would be too confused to do anything about it. Although, I don't remember the Gummi Bears being all that violent..."
Everybody stopped and stared at Buffy.
"Oh, and I guess nobody else used to watch cartoons, huh?"
"Actually, I still watch cartoons," said Xander. "I just don't give them as much thought as you or, apparently, as much credit."
"Can we get back to when I was talking?" asked Cordelia. "I just don't get it. And what about Sunnydale and the whole hellmouth issue? Don't the vampires KNOW you live here? Why wouldn't they go to Los Angeles or New York or Seattle, someplace without a Slayer, or even, God help us, with less sunlight?"
"I think we already covered that one, Cordy," said Xander. "Remember, Buffy said 'vampires aren't all that intelligent' and then Giles agreed and then he got confused and ran into the stacks."
Buffy smiled. "I contribute."
On cue, Giles emerged from the stacks holding an old, dusty volume of demonology and lore.
"Actually, vampires are no more less intelligent than the average human being. However, they have immensely strong instincts and urges, almost bordering on animal or prime-evil in comparison. The attraction to the Hellmouth is one of those urges. Most of them don't know why they come here; they just find their way and think nothing of it."
Giles stopped as he fingered a passage. "Ah, here it is. It, um, it appears that the Jedi were an ancient order of misfit jokesters, carnival folk who delighted crowds with whimsical acrobatics and comic swordsmanship. Unfortunately, they weren't very good and amused very few. They traveled in small groups, nomadic by nature, mainly because no one could stand them for long periods of time." Giles closed the book. "No one liked them and they eventually vanished."
Xander stopped from saying something, then continued. "You realize you just made a mockery of most of my pre-pubescent existence." Xander pulled out a chair and sat down. "My whole life has been a lie."
"There there, Xander," comforted Willow. "Be strong. Let the force be your guide."
Cordelia shook her head. "You guys really need to get a life." She continued. "Look, all I'm saying is that some things don't add up. I mean, who builds a school on top of the Hellmouth, anyway? And why doesn't everybody else in this whole school or town get the fact that we live on top of it, anyway? With all the crazy stuff that's happened in the last year and a half, you would have to be totally oblivious to the whole world to not notice the murder, mayhem and otherwise completely unexplainable things that happen to me around here. I mean, hello, invisible stalker girl."
"You're right, Cordelia. It's all about you," said Buffy. "Come on, get a grip; I'm dusting vampires almost every night out there."
Xander raised his hand. "Um, remember me, almost-seduced-and-ravaged-by- hideous-insect-woman guy? Let's not forget about the freaky Incan mummy girl. I'm a crazed demon chick-magnet."
"Hey, what about me?" asked Willow. "I'm the only one who can say that they were a ghost for a night. Well, almost a whole night.oh, and I was seduced by a 500 year-old computer virus.er, demon."
Xander replied, "Gees, Wills; we really don't have much luck when it comes to dating, do we? Makes you wonder if something is really horribly wrong with us. Like we'll be doomed to walk the earth, only dating the crazed and hideous."
"Hello," snipped Cordelia. "I'm in the room."
"Did somebody say demon?" said Jonathon.
Everyone turned towards the door and saw Jonathon standing there with a girl, both looking lost and mostly out of place.
"No. Um, I didn't hear the word 'demon', did you Buffy?" asked Giles as he started to rummage through some books.
"Er, no. No demon here."
"Nope, no demons," said Xander. "Just a couple of kids talking crazy- talk."
"What do you want? Can't you see we're busy?" asked Cordelia.
"Um, a book? This is the library, right?"
"Yes, of course it's the library." Giles motioned everyone to get up and leave. "What kind of book do you need?"
"Stalin."
"Autobiographies, section 7, in the back."
Jonathon and his friend wandered up the steps and into the stacks.
"We'll continue this conversation, um, later. For now I think it's best if everybody just go home and get some rest."
"Agreed," said Willow. She got and walked to the door, looking over her shoulder. "Ready for some 20th century Socialism?"
"Studying? Ugh," whined Buffy, following. "Fine. My house, but AFTER ice cream."
"Ooh, ice cream."
"Hey, I want some ice cream." Xander got up quickly and followed the two out the door.
"What is it with him and those two?" asked Cordelia, obviously annoyed. "It's like they're all joined at the hip. I mean, look at the way those two dress. Can you believe the way Buffy flaunts it in front of Xander? And those sweaters Willow wears. Where does she find those? And why."
"Cordelia?" interrupted Giles.
"What?"
"No more questions." And Giles walked out the door.
Cordelia put on her coat and followed, trailing off, "I just thought I'd ask."
Jonathon emerged from the stacks.
"Did you say.? Er, hello?"
/---------------------------------/
//This fanfiction wasted a whole workday. It was very hard to type because it was freezing outside and my hands didn't work properly. Oh, and it's exceedingly hard to type with gloves on.