A/N: Logic has escaped this story. If you don't like random pinkie power, then don't read this and, please, don't review. Special thanks to Above the Winter Moonlight for inspiring me to write this with her own Inheritance Cycle fanfiction, Alagaesia Goes Crazy. If you have time, and if you've read the Inheritance Cycle, go read it. It's worth a read, and it's full of randomness and laughs. It's also due to her that I finally decided on a nickname for the New England Patriots' coach that was shorter than the Evil Emperor Palpatine. I now refer to him as Palpy. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Chapter 1: Sugar-Filled Sugar With Sugar On The Side With Extra Sugar On Top
Artie's words of wisdom: "Bacon is the best thing man has ever invented."
Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach, Fred's, Koolaid, or any of the random candy I mention in this chapter. I wish I did own Bleach, though, then I could make the characters mine...all mine...
"Does anyone have any candy?" A very unhappy Yachiru sat down on the sidelines of the training field, watching members of her eleventh squad spar in training.
"I wish I did, Yachiru fukutaichou," moaned Yumichika, walking over from where he'd been sparring with Ikkaku. "I'm exhausted. All this fighting with no breaks for candy is far much work for a beautiful man like me. I'm too beautiful to go this long without candy! Oh, the agony!"
Yachiru nodded in agreement. "Chocolate would be so good right now...fruity candy, too..." She began to drool. "Anything...as long as it was sweet, I'd be so happy..."
"What if it was pure sugar?" Yumichika added. "Oh, the beauty of pure white sugar that tantalizes the senses..."
"Or that powdery sugar," said Yachiru. "It looks like flour, but it tastes so good..."
The two drooling shinigami began to drift off into a sugar-coated fantasy that seemed to get more and more extreme as the fantasy went on.
"Sugar-coated sugar sticks rolled in caramel and dipped in powdered sugar..."
"Chocolate filled caramel candy coated with sugar, then drizzled in caramel and chocolate syrup and covered with Fun Dip powder..."
"What if instead of filling it with chocolate, you filled it with Sweettarts Squeez?"
"Oh, that would be so good...and instead of using caramel, you used those Jolly Rancher Chews to make a big box around it."
"And you mixed in Skittles with the Squeez?"
"Or used the Squeez as glue to stick the entire thing together."
"And you'd serve it on a big gingerbread plate with icing to decorate it and then you'd cover it in powdered sugar and drizzle it with Hubba Bubba Squeeze!"
"Oh, and you'd wrap Airheads around the outside of the gingerbread plate!"
"Don't forget to add sugar to the top as a frosting!"
Yachiru suddenly jolted from her spot. "We could actually do that!" she screeched. This snapped Yumichika to attention, and he grinned from ear to ear.
"It'll be the most beautiful creation in history!" he exclaimed. And with that, the two escaped the training grounds, leaving Kenpachi to wonder where they'd disappeared to and why there was a giant puddle of drool by the side of the sparring field.
The two found the nearest store, which happened to be a Fred's. This Fred's had the biggest candy isle in the history of the universe. And considering the amount of candy addicts in the Soul Society, it was not surprising they had one that big and surprising that they never seemed to run out.
Yumichika grabbed a cart and flew off down the isle. "Let's get the gingerbread first!" he exclaimed. "Why don't we just use the stuff from a gingerbread house kit to help with the base? Then we can make another later on!"
"Good idea!" squealed Yachiru.
The two then proceeded to grab the biggest gingerbread house kit they could get their hands on, which included several bags of icing and various candy that the two planned to utilize.
"Now to get all the candy," she said, snatching the buggy from Yumichika and dashing off to find the candy.
"Wait! Only the most beautiful man in the universe gets to push the cart!"
When they arrived at the register, they'd filled up their cart and moved several things to the rack on the bottom. In all, they spent far much more money than Kenpachi would be happy to know. All the Sweettarts Squeez and Jolly Rancher chews they could find, twenty airheads in various flavors, six huge bags of Pixy Stix, a big bag of Skittles, a box of Hubba Bubba Squeeze that'd never been opened before, a seemingly infinite number of Fun Dip packs, two pounds of powdered sugar, two pounds of regular sugar, three bottles of caramel syrup, three bottles of strawberry syrup, two bottles of chocolate syrup, chocolate icing, two bags of Starburst jelly beans, six Hershey bars, three gingerbread house kits (they'd picked up two more on their way out; of course they would need some more for later on, and the icing was certainly useful to their mission of endless candy pleasure) and three boxes of peeps to eat on the side. Needless to say, the cashier was quite shocked when the two arrived at the register.
After about ten minutes of endlessly scanning their various items, the two paid and escaped the store. As soon as they'd left, the manager called the candy warehouse to order more of everything they'd drained from the isles of the store.
"This is gonna be awesome!" Yachiru grinned from ear to ear, ready to create the beautiful candy masterpiece.
Unbeknownst to the other shinigami of the Gotei 13, Yachiru and Yumichika were actually quite talented at cooking, especially when it came to sweets. This creation would be quite beautiful if the two didn't eat it all first.
The two slipped into the eleventh squad barracks, escaping into Yachiru's room to begin building the most beautiful candy treat of all time.
Yumichika pulled out one of the gingerbread kits and ripped into it, pulling out one of the roof pieces. Since they'd gotten the jumbo-sized gingerbread house kits, the one piece would be enough.
Yumichika was the artist, the one carefully placing each piece of candy where it needed to be to make it the most beautiful. Yachiru covered the creation in sugar and glued it all together with Sweettarts Squeez and gave it several tasty additions. As the duo continued gluing the initial Jolly Rancher Chews box together, Yachiru tore open the boxes of Peeps and began shoving the marshmallowy goodness into her mouth, the bottle of Sweettarts Squeez still in her hands.
"This is gonna be delicious," said Yachiru. For the normal person, it would have been hard to understand what she'd said with her mouth full of peeps, but for Yumichika, a fellow candy addict, there was no problem comprehending. "Be sure to make it symmetrical so we both get an equal half," she added.
"I'll be sure to make them equally delicious and beautiful," he assured. "This will be the most delicious thing we've ever done."
"Whatcha guys doin'?"
Yachiru nearly dropped the box of Peeps at the sound of the familiar voice behind her. She turned and ran straight into one Gin Ichimaru, accompanied by three Arrancar, Ulquiorra, Stark, and Lilynette.
"What are you guys doing here?" she yelled. "You're dead!"
Gin smiled that signature smile. "Might as well not ask," he said. "We won't kill ya. I smelled candy."
As soon as she heard the word "candy" Yachiru dove into the bags of candy. "You won't take my babies from me!" she yelled, ready to protect the candy at all costs.
Yumichika, on the other hand, was standing in front of their masterpiece, zanpakuto drawn.
"I told ya, we won't kill ya," Gin insisted. "Or steal your candy," he added.
"I want candy!" squealed Lilynette. "Can I make something, Kusajishi fukutaichou?"
The little girl was surprisingly polite.
"I don't share," Yachiru promptly replied, clutching several bottles of Sweettarts Squeez and Hubba Bubba Squeeze to her chest.
"Why don't ya share with Lilynette, Kusajishi-san?" Starrk said. "We aren't here to hurt you. If we were, wouldn't we have done it by now?"
"You're a villain!" replied Yachiru curtly.
"Because I am an Espada, and Lilynette is part of me, correct, since we served under Aizen?"
"Because you're a villain!"
Suddenly, another random Arrancar appeared. Grimmjow rushed in. "Gimme eat!" he nearly screamed.
"Where are you ugly lot coming from?" Yumichika asked. "Can't you see we're working on something?"
"Whatever," Gin said. He walked out of Yachiru's room with a bored expression on his face and took his seat outside on the steps. Ulquiorra followed, but Lilynette sat by the door, and Starrk stood in the archway. Grimmjow ran off somewhere and no one saw him. He was probably pouting in the corner somewhere.
"Please, fukutaichou?" asked Lilynette. "We're good now, okay? I wanna make candy and spar and do cool stuff too. Even though you guys are Soul Reapers and we're Arrancar."
"We need to get back to work," said Yumichika. "Come on, Yachiru, let's work on our creation."
"I don't trust those Arrancar! They're supposed to be dead!" she said with a pout.
"We won't move a muscle," promised Lilynette.
"Whatever. Just don't move."
Yachiru began to glue pieces back onto the box with Sweettarts Squeez, still watching the two Arrancar behind them through the two epic eyes in the back of her head.
The box was beginning to look very delicious, concluded Yumichika. It was beautiful.
Yachiru squirted some Sweettarts Squeez on a very soft green Airhead and stuck the whole thing in her mouth before grabbing the chocolate syrup and drizzling it over the finished box. Yumichika wrapped Airheads around the edge of the gingerbread and made patterns on it with icing.
"You know what would be good with that? A drink."
The two Shinigami's ears perked up at the sound of Lilynette's voice.
"That's actually a really good idea," whispered Yumichika. "We're gonna make Koolaid our way, Yachiru.
Yachiru grinned, ready to take a brake from the magic candy box if it meant Koolaid...especially Yumichika and Yachiru Koolaid.
"What's special about your Koolaid?" Lilynette asked.
"We'll show you," said Yumichika and Yachiru simultaneously.
"But first, let's finish this creation," said Yumichika. "You're Lilynette, right? Do you wanna help us?"
It was beautiful.
A box of Jolly Rancher Chews created the center of the masterpiece, filled with a creamy solution of pink and green Sweettarts Squeez with Skittles and Starburst Jelly Beans mixed into it. The box was placed upon a gingerbread plate; the sides of the square had airheads folded onto it and was lined with green icing from the gingerbread house kit. They'd stuck the sticks from the Fun Dip packets to the box to make it look somewhat like a castle, which was Lilynette's idea. The box was drizzled in caramel and chocolate syrup, then coated with pure sugar, Pixy Stix, and Fun Dip. Icing covered the top of the box and the plate, and various pieces of small candy had been stuck on there to make it look better. Then a layer of powdered sugar covered the entire creation, followed by several interesting shapes created using chocolate icing. The entire thing was then covered with another layer of powdered sugar, then a nice coating of Hubba Bubba Squeeze and Sweettarts Squeez. And finally, they'd put a single Peep on top and coated the entire thing in crystal sugar.
And here sat Yachiru Kusajishi, Yumichika Ayasegawa, and Lilynette Gingerback, together, without fighting, about to make special Koolaid.
Yumichika grabbed their masterpiece, which had been placed upon the plate used to make the gingerbread house. Yachiru was busy a pack of Fun Dip, and Lilynette, a Fun Dip stick in her mouth, had the rest of the bags of the sugar they'd need to make the Koolaid. Starrk had followed them, as well as getting a couple strange looks from Gin and Ulquiorra as they passed the Shinigami.
"To the kitchen!"
"Okay, Yachiru, can you find the punch bowl and the pitcher?" Yumichika asked, placing their masterpiece on the counter. "We will make the most beautiful Koolaid in the world!"
"Already on it," Yachiru said. She put the punch bowl and the pitcher, both already filled with ice cold water, down on the counter between the masterpiece and the bags of sugar.
Yumichika reached into the cabinet and pulled out a box that held many packs of Koolaid.
"Let's make something scary today," he said, grabbing a pack of Black Cherry, a pack of blue, and a pack of red.
He dumped all three of the packs into the punch bowl, as well as taking a pack of Kiwi grape to add to the pitcher.
"Get the sugar!" he said, stirring the bowl with a big wooden spoon.
Needless to say, they were going to need more sugar after they were finished.
"...and then you just put the Koolaid in the ice tray like this, and make sure there are no pesky air bubbles, that isn't beautiful..."
Yachiru filled her cup with their sugar-rush-inducing Koolaid and downed it while Yumichika taught Lilynette how to make Koolaid ice pops.
She started bouncing up and down immediately.
"...done!" Lilynette exclaimed, leaving the would-be ice pops in the freezer. She grabbed a cup and filled with with Koolaid and chugged it, her eyes widening in surprise.
"THIS IS SO GOOD!" she screamed, causing Starrk to look up from his nap. Gin and Ulquiorra both turned to see what just happened.
They didn't have time to react before Kenpachi was there.
"What the hell is...ICHIMARU? What the hell are you doing here, bastard?"
"Kenny Kenny Kenny Kenny look look look we made Koolaid and and and and and and Lily helped up and look look look Arrancar aren't all bad so don't hurt Ichimaru taichou, he hasn't done anything anything anything bad to us, okay okay?" Yachiru's words were coming out very quickly, repetitively, showing the signs of a sugar rush. Yachiru with a sugar rush? Nonsense, right? Lies.
"Yachiru, this is out of character..."
"Give him some Koolaid!" she added. "And and and then we can have fun!"
"I'll pass," Gin said with a shrug. "One hyper Espada is enough for me to deal with without sugar. Ya must have your hands full with that one anyway."
"How did you bastards get here? You're dead!"
"Artemis," he said.
"Who the hell is Artemis?"
Pop.
A girl appeared in the hallway, shocking the three eleventh squad members. The others didn't seem to be surprised by her appearance.
"I'm Artemis. I'm the authoress of this story."
"Story? Authoress?" Yumichika said.
"You can't defy me," said Artemis. "I can do whatever I want to whoever I want."
"And what if I try?" challenged the captain of the eleventh.
"Don't-" Gin began, but he couldn't get the words out before Artemis snapped her fingers and Kenpachi was dressed like a neko and was completely immobilized
A momentary silence was followed by hysterical laughing from Yachiru, Yumichika, and Lilynette. Gin and Artemis almost started laughing, and even Ulquiorra the emo kid smiled a little. Starrk, of course, was asleep and didn't notice.
"Ulquiorra's an emo kid?" Gin whispered to her, still trying not to laugh at the unmoving Cat-pachi.
"Cat-pachi?" he added, finally losing his stoicism and bursting into a fit of laughter, followed by Artemis. Three Shinigami, an Arrancar, and an authoress were now practically rolling on the floor of the eleventh division barracks, accompanied by a sleeping Primera and a silent emo kid. Not to mention Cat-pachi.
Yachiru and had a good feeling that name would stick.
Artemis: So how'd you like the first chapter of this lovely tale? Don't worry, it gets even more random, crazy, and downright awesome as we go along. Yachi, sign us out!
Yachiru: Have a sugar-filled awesome day, and be excited for the next chapter! And remember...you saw nothing...nothing at all...