Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters nor anything else related to the show.
A/N: previously posted on my tumblr.
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Just as visions of Claudia chasing after him and driving Francesco Borgia's dagger into his chest haunted both his waking and sleeping hours for months, visions of a desperate, fearful, pleading Leena (why did it have to be her? Why did it have to be any member of his family?) and the sound of a gun being fired followed by the look of stunned disbelief on Leena's face in the seconds before she crumples to the ground await Artie if he sets down to rest. If he tries so much as rest his increasingly weary mind, these visions - memories - return to him because he is not lucky enough to be one of the majority who do not remember what they have done while under the dark control of an artifact. An evil that he will live with for the rest of his days.
As he sits awake, Artie wonders how he could not have known that it would be him. How could he have not considered the possibility that he would be the one affected by the astrolabe's downside? When he confessed all the details to H.G., Mrs. Frederic, and Leena about the previous timeline and the prophecy...how could none of them have considered it either? As long as they all had been a part of the Warehouse, they should have known. He should have known. An artifact's downside, the side effects of use, normally affect the user.
But there was a Brother Adrian and Brotherhood of the Black Diamond. And the visions of Claudia with the dagger had started almost immediately and Artie, as concerned for his own life as he was, he was more worried about Claudia's well being. Even if she were under the influence of an artifact, Artie knew that it would destroy Claudia is she ever caused him harm. It would constantly eat away at her, breaking her heart daily. Artie knows this because that's exactly what Leena's death - her murder - at his hands has done and is still doing to him, and will continue to do until the day he dies. And then, maybe, just maybe, if he has paid proper penance, it will stop.
It has been five days and he has not slept. He cannot sleep. Even though the evil that had been born inside of him has been successfully cast out by Claudia, even though the Regents and Mrs. Frederic accept the extenuating circumstances of his crime and, as they should, are keeping a sharp eye on him, Artie does not trust himself. He tried to kill his family, he tried to hurt them by hurting the people that they care about. He tried to kill Vanessa. He killed Leena.
He does not deserve to rest or experience even a modicum of peace, let alone happiness.
"Artie?"
His head whips around. "Claudia, what are you still doing here?"
She shrugs. "Not still. I came back; I couldn't sleep so I thought I'd try to bore myself into a coma by doing inventory. Why are you still futzing about? Don't most senior citizens turn in by nine?" she asks with a small smirk.
"We do but we're also light sleepers. The smallest disturbances, like feet pit-pattering, tend to wake us."
"Sounds like someone's extra cranky. Not getting a full sixteen hours of sleep a day?"
Artie gives her a somewhat withering glare over the top of his glasses. He looks vaguely irritated but mostly he looks worn out.
The lighthearted, the ability to joke and snark, leaves her body swiftly. Claudia frowns, dragging a chair over to him and sitting down. "Artie?"
He can already see the tears building in her eyes. Tough as nails, flexible as bamboo, but his girl (this child of his, his daughter) is as vulnerable as they come and she has a heart so big that it could crush the entire world.
He pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose and sighs. "I'm tired, Claudia."
She leans towards him. "So why are you still up?"
"Claudia..."
She sits back, looking as bull-headed and determined as ever, and crosses her arms over her chest. "I'm not going to leave you alone until you talk to me. We're all suffering, Artie, but the rest of us are leaning on each other. You won't even reach out to us. Why?"
"I do not want nor do I deserve your sympathy or pity," Artie growls.
"Well, that's too damn bad because you're getting it. What happened to Leena wasn't your fault, Artie."
"Yes, it was. I killed her, Claudia, artifact or no artifact, I killed Leena, no one else did that."
Claudia shake her head. "It wasn't you."
"Yes, it was. I may not have been conscious of it at the time but it was me. And not only did I kill Leena, but I stole artifacts from the Warehouse and I used them to hurt all of you and the people that you care most about. I tried to shoot you and Steve, Claudia. I rigged a trap so that you would both be buried alive-"
"But you warned us! You remembered the trap and you warned us!" She's so close to crying.
Artie closes his eyes. Inhale. Exhale. Bang. Smoke. Leena. Blood. He inhales sharply and opens his eyes. He does not deserve to have Claudia or any of these wonderful people who have come to care for him and to call him "family" in his life now. "What I did, Claudia...I don't think that I can ever forgive myself."
Her bottom lip juts out. "You didn't do anything wrong. And even if you did...we should have known. I should have known."
The tears start.
"Claudia-"
"No. I should have known that something was different with you, that something was wrong, but I didn't. Jinks was back and I wanted him to stay so I didn't-"
"This is not your fault," Artie says adamantly, standing. "Don't you dare blame yourself."
She rises as well, a flash of righteousness, indignation, and hellfire in her eyes. "Then don't you blame yourself. We all hate what happened to Leena, we are all in mourning, and it's going to take a while to heal but considering the alternative of you not using the astrolabe..." Claudia stops, wide-eyed panic setting in for several seconds before she manages to pull herself together and choke out a sob. A few moments later she sucks in a breath. "We don't blame you, Artie. We would all have used the astrolabe. Even if we knew the outcome, Pete, Myka, Steve, me, Mrs. Frederic, H.G., and all the Regents would have done the same thing. You have to stop blaming yourself. You have to let us help you. You have to help us. We need you. I need you."
"I don't deserve you. I don't deserve any if this," Artie says quietly.
Claudia snorts. "And I have never deserved every chance that you have given me, over and over again. You have always had faith in me-in all of us, even when no one else did; how could we not have faith in you?"
He shakes his head slowly. "I need to suffer, Claudia, for everything that I have done, knowingly or not. I want to suffer. I need and want to make amends. I have to be worthy of the Warehouse and the comfort and forgiveness that you, and possibly the others, are ready and willing to offer me."
"It doesn't matter," Claudia says, no longer able to refrain from throwing her arms around his neck and clinging to him. "One for all and all for one; we're like the Musketeers that way." Quieter, "You've never given up on me; I will never ever give up on you."
Artie's shoulders drop and he squeezes her tightly for a few minutes, not letting his own tears fall. He grips her arms and pulls her away. "Get some sleep, kiddo."
She nods slowly, her cheeks still wet. "You too?"
"I'll try," he says solemnly. Honestly.
That night, Artie manages to doze for over an hour before he's haunted by Leena's frightened and betrayed eyes.