Safety First at NERV
AN: I was watching the anime again, and I noticed a sign in the background of the EVA pits, that read something like SAFETY FIRST. This made me look out for any other irregularities that might have a story behind them, with a strong tendency towards crack. This will skip about the timeline, as different ideas demanded more attention than others. Also, there may be little bits of another timeline strewn about, in which the first three pilots have been through a lot of groundhog day style loops of the series, and have started to take things less seriously. I'll put in little clues towards the beginning to make it obvious.
LINE BREAK
"The fourth child is-"
"-Toji, why didn't you tell me sooner?"
The medical team extracted the crippled pilot from the crumpled entry plug. Misato felt distinctly uncomfortable.
"You always take these things badly, so I sorta procrastinated. I'm truly sorry, Shinji."
"Badly? Badly? How am I supposed to take 'Your friend is going to pilot an experimental Eva, oh, and by the way, the last time they tried this, it disappeared into dimensions unknown.' There is no way a person could take it well!"
Gendo sighed.
"This is why it took me ten years to tell Shinji he was to pilot Unit 01."
"Shut up old man! Some prior notice, some training, some safety precautions, I wouldn't have a problem. As is, I might just crush your precious little office when I get back."
Gendo sighed again.
"Increase LCL pressure."
After a few futile seconds struggle, the boy fell unconscious.
"He always loses consciousness after these episodes. It's probably a defense mechanism."
Ritsko looked at Gendo skeptically.
"I think it's because you always knock him out."
Gendo adjusted his glasses.
"That too."
LINE BREAK
"You wanted see me, Vice Principal?"
Misato coughed, and Kensuke's eyes dilated.
"Actually, Mr. Aida, NERV has need of you. We are willing to let you pilot Unit 01, as long as there are no more security leaks."
"Heh heh, so you know about that?"
SCENE CHANGE
"It tastes like blood."
Misato reigned in her rising urge to kill. The kid would not stop talking.
"Nice screen saver though, very psychedelic."
Shinji could not get back fast enough for Misato.
LINE BREAK
Shinji was impressed, and more than a little irritated. In the past week, Kaji had hit on every member of his har- all of the women in the workplace. To their credit, none of them had succumbed to the agent's fraternization.
"Hey Shinji, would you like to get some tea? My treat."
'Gah! How dare he sneak up while I'm brooding?' Shinji scowled.
"I'm not a girl."
Even Kaji's laugh was smooth. 'Oh, how I despise this man.'
"No, its nothing like that. I just thought I'd show you a secret base, and we could talk."
"I am not interested in a 'guys only' base, thank you."
"What? No, it's just a melon garden I've been growing."
"Is that another way of saying strip club? Because I can see that kind of stuff at home."
"No, it's literally a gar- wait, Misato pole dances at home?"
"Mr. Kaji, I must ask you to desist in this highly unprofessional manner, it is most unbecoming of a NERV officer."
LINE BREAK
Ramiel commenced drilling, as if it had not just disabled with an Eva in less than a minute.
Shinji woke up in a hospital bed.
"You know, now that I've gotten to know you, I kinda like our time together, Ceiling."
Rei blinked.
"Perhaps you are not ready for piloting duty yet, pilot Ikari?"
"It blinded me with SCIENCE!"
"…"
END
AN: there will be more as I get around to typing them up.