I have a major inferiority complex.
I mean, you try getting half of your face burned off, sleeping your way up the chain of command and always, always coming second.
To Matt, however, I am always first.
If I asked him to give up smoking, he'd do it without a second thought, no matter how hard it was for him. If I beat him every day he would never leave. It scares me sometimes, how he can be so fiercely loyal towards a person like me, how he's never even thought of being with someone other than me.
'Mels?' Matt's voice penetrated my hazy thoughts.
Mels. He only called me that when he was upset, scared, or in a romantic mood.
I could tell from his eyes that he wasn't upset or scared. A good thing unquestionably.
'Yeah?' I knew my tone was absent, and I inwardly cursed myself for it.
'Are you okay, Mels?' Mail "Matt" Jeevas put his head on one side and looked at me thoughtfully.
Damn was his thinking face cute.
'Thinking.' I replied stupidly.
'About what?' Matt gazed at me with eyes that spoke volumes. They were I-will-love-you-forever type eyes.
I was so fucking scared that one day I'd look into those eyes and see nothing at all, that there'd be another guy; that I'd be second again.
'You.' I answered with a sigh.
'What about me?' Matt probed gently; he could see that I wasn't in a talking mood.
'Why are you here?' I asked. 'No, why are you still here? I've never been anything but a dick to you. I've hit you, abandoned you and generally treated you like the lowest form of shit. So why don't you just go?'
'Do you want me to go?' Matt asked calmly. Too calm, like he was inwardly freaking out.
'No, god no. I love you, and I most definitely do not want you to go. It's just sometimes I wonder why you don't, why you'd even want to stay.' I grabbed his hand, filled with a terrible, consuming fear that he would realise his mistakes and leave.
'Because I love you.' He said simply. 'For, and in spite of, all of your faults and all the shit that you've done. I fucking love you, Mello, and I am never, ever, ever going to leave you. I honestly couldn't if my life depended on it.
You know, sometimes, Mels, I think that god made you for me. No, he made me for you. He looked at you Mels, and knew something was missing. So he came up with me. I was made to follow you, forever, if it was necessary. I don't have a say in it at all. I've tried hating you; I've tried simply not caring.
'And do you know what? I can't do it. It's very simple. If you were a girl, I'd be straight, if you were straight, or a lesbian, I'd be a girl. You've been a catholic your whole life. I've believed in god since the day I met you, because I knew, then and there, that I was perfect for you. It was like the hole inside my chest had been filled, just by seeing you. The only way you would ever, could ever, get me to leave is if you told me you didn't want me anymore. When you left after L died, I followed. I couldn't live without you. More than that- I didn't want to. I fucking love you, Mels. Whatever you say, I'll love you forever.'
'How can you?' I asked weakly. I didn't deserve this oh-so perfect man.
'Really quite easily.' He smiled. That smile said more than anything else, without saying anything. It said two words- unconditional love.
'Matt, you will never, ever love me as much as I love you.' I smiled, trying to show how much I meant that in that little action.
'That's debateable. But I will love you forever, I know that.' Matt sat next to me on the worn sofa, and wrapped his arms around my chest.
We snuggled together, holding one another as if our lives depended on it.
'Forever?' I asked, stroking his fiery locks.
'Forever and always.'