In the Wake

What used to be…

Shaun looked down at his hands as they shook from the night cold. The large white lantern that lit the night watched down along with specs of sparkles, piercing the trees shadows of the forest. The black ocean above him flowed almost endless beyond sight and comprehension, taking the sparkling stars along the way. Hues of royal blue and violet stirred within the night as time seem to not exist, staring in awe along with Shaun. It seemed he could watch it for eternity.

"Shaun…SHAUN!" Shaun stirred from his trance and quickly faced the stern eyes of his girl friend Samantha. Her tan skin glistened in the moon's presence. Her glossy black hair flowed in waves down behind her back. Her auburn eyes burned into him deeply under her thick black lashes. Behind her fierce look was a kind cute face that was round but showed slight maturity as it sharpened from her jaw to her chin. Shaun was always pleased to see her face, whether it be happy, sad, or in this case highly upset. Well, almost always. "Are you even listening to me? What are you staring at?"

"Sorry babe, I was…" He was doing his best to keep his cool. He really detested fighting with her. But as of late he just couldn't seem to put a lid on it like he could in the past. Something was happening between them and despite his or even Samantha's efforts they couldn't stop it.

"No no forget it, I already know. Whenever I'm trying to tell you something you just go off into your own little world. You hardly ever even try to listen to what I say anymore."

"Sam…that's not true…"

"It is to true! You're telling me I'm lying?"

"What, no Sam…I'm only…"

"You know what whatever just forget it. I knew I shouldn't have come all the way the hell out here with you." Now Shaun was losing his cool; Yet again. But like the times before he just couldn't stop himself as he had in the past.

"Oh yeah, and why is that Sam? Because you just knew you'd have a terrible time?" Sam had this look of worry on her face and tried to say something but Shaun quickly stayed her words. "No I know, you just figured you'd go just to say you tried right? So that way when this break up that you probably have just been aching for happens you can be the one who tried right?" Sam had that look Shaun hated. He knew he was hurting her, yet the words kept coming. They always kept coming, like they came from someone else inside him. Like he could only watch as his alter ego verbally battered her, like he could only step aside as his other self destroyed his world. But is it really his other self he would wonder. Is that really just me when I get angry or upset? Am I the one who watches the fake man break loose or am I really the man in the glass. Maybe this is why he can't stop this person, because a shadow can only go where the object goes and without light they don't even exist. Was happiness just a light?

"Shaun I…I'm not…" A tear streamed from her flooded eyes as she looked down at her hands. Shaun just looked back at the sky. Was his other self finished? Because he knew he and Sam were. "Can you take me home?" Sam finally uttered. Shaun felt his heart swell like he had tore a muscle. He gritted his teeth and chewed on his words. Just like before he could never get his real words out. He just wanted to say sorry. That's all he ever wanted to say. Or did he ever want to say that? He didn't really know anymore.

"Yeah…yeah let's go." Sam looked at him with a hidden expression. All he knew was behind that face he adored was grief; anger and what seemed to be pity. Shaun just looked away from her. He knew she just wanted him to say those two words. It always worked before. Because she knew he meant it. But he didn't feel he deserved to say it. "I'll take you back home…and then it'll be over."

Sam looked at him and just nodded. "Yeah, I think that might just be the best." Shaun felt rage build up in him now. But he didn't know who he was mad at. "I'm sorry Shaun…I really am." Shaun felt a laugh burst from his lips. He fought with all his pride to hold back the tears. Sam looked just as torn as he felt. He held the last breath of laughter to test his voice. He was satisfied and confident it would hold up.

"Yeah…Yeah…" He grabbed the wheel and started the truck. The truck was a gift from her. It was just what he wanted, a Dodge BFT that was white. He had put several hundred dollars into customizing it. Super lift kit, double wheels with rims, paint job, neon lights, he loved the truck. But now his gift before his very eyes was becoming a memento.

"Could…could we have done better…? Like, tried harder…?" She knew she was asking for it. But he knew she was just trying to keep it alive. Give him another chance to save it. Them.

Shaun looked at her auburn eyes. He couldn't believe how beautiful they were in such a dreadful situation. He finally managed to open his mouth. "You could have done better. I told you that when we first started dating. But…" Sam looked at him with such disgust he wasn't surprised when he felt her hand come across his face. For some reason the stinging in his jaw made him feel better. He almost wanted to provoke her to do it again. As far as he knew he would probably beat himself up once he got away from her. "But…" He continued. "I know you will. I know you will…" The words faded into his lap. Sam shook her head with a smile as more tears raced down her round cheeks. Disbelief painted on her face.

"You know…you really like to pity yourself. It's all you've been doing as of late." It seemed like she would choke on the next words but she forced them out. "Well how's this for pity Shaun?" She gripped him from under his jaw and forced his face to front hers. The words were clear and strong. "I did try Shaun, I've always tried. But all you want to do is feel sorry for yourself." She pushed him against the door as the back of his head bumped the door window. "Take me home, so I can do better…Shaun…"

Never had they looked at each other like they had then. Like a deer spotting a cheetah. This is the closet she's ever been to hating me he thought. An eternal minute went by before Shaun began to back the truck out of the woods. He got on the road and began making his way back towards Texas. It was going be a long drive home.