He dreams of drowning.
Bring me to life
(Disclaimer: 'Bring me to life' is used without the permission of Evanescence.)
Water. The essence of life. The quintessential element that seemed to surround him and compose him at the same time. Undulating waves, rivulets and bubbles and millions of graceful nameless shapes that were born out of a catastrophic momentum only to be cast back to the endless flow which had birthed them.
In an ironic clash of personality, it was how he had come to meet the first person who ever mattered to him, and by the same token, how he had come to change his ways for the better.
How can you see into my eyes
Like open doors
Leading you down into my core
Where I've become so numb
Invincible. He had thought himself to be a demi-god, an anarchist, living life exactly as he desired and acting on his own whims. He had not thought of others. He had been, as Hayner had so bluntly told him once, nothing but a greedy whore.
Oh, how he regretted that lifestyle when his reputation preceded him and he finally had to start chasing something that only got further away the harder he chased.
It had taken what felt like heaven and earth and most of his limbs to swallow his pride and make Hayner see that he had well and truly digested it for good, never to be regurgitated in some ugly manifestation of relapse.
It had for the most part been worth it. In Hayner, Seifer saw everything that he wanted and needed. Hayner was, to him, something real. He was so alive. In Hayner, Seifer saw everything that gave him meaning and wondered how he had ever done without it. Hayner was his other half. They fitted each other perfectly.
Often, he wondered what had spurred it all. What made Hayner special? What made him stand out from the others? Hayner was way out of his comfort zone, hard to get, hard to commit to (especially for Seifer) and yet he'd made himself do it. Maybe that was why.
Without a soul
My spirit sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it
Back home
And now he dreamed once again of the cold, solid depths in which he had immersed himself when he had tried to escape this notion of fidelity and sincerity that to him, had been so foreign.
Water. Seifer was at the beach, and the sky was a mottled purple. Waves collided on the shore and if they had been alive they would surely be hastening towards their terrible death for it was not a gentle tide but a murderous crashing and roaring. There was an ominous dark ripple some way out from the shore. The water was freezing and Seifer paddled out to the deeper part of the ocean so he could do a few laps and work up some body heat.
The strong wind and magnetic pull at his feet should have warned him. After years of experience as a lifeguard, he should have paid more attention. He should have known, should have been listening to his instincts or at least had them switched on.
Seifer was pulled under the surface of the water without resistance and without forewarning.
He tried to yell but the monster that is the ocean had him in its jaws and salty water flooded his throat and nostrils. He was thrown, back and forth, body tumbling through the merciless rip like a child's toy in the jaws of a Doberman. Attempting to protect his eyes he squeezed them shut and he realised he must be dying, because his life was passing in short cut-scenes on the backs of his eyelids.
He saw blue sea-salt icecream. Hayner eating the icecream and stealing Seifer's.
Hayner, with that look, his eyes mischievous and seductive. Seifer could not look at him when he had that look on his face without seizing him and pressing him into the nearest flat surface.
Hayner clapping his hand over his mouth to silence the moans that were breaking free from his kiss-abused lips.
Hayner looking at him with a warm, satisfied and consuming depth of hazel brown that Seifer could not stop falling in love with.
He gulped in another bucketful of stinging saltwater and it tasted like Hayner's kisses after he'd been swimming for too long and inhaled most of the pool in the meantime, except it didn't feel as nice.
His head grew fuzzy and his thoughts gradually slowed. He thought he saw Hayner in front of him and he reached out frantically, though in slow motion because his body lacked the oxygen to function normally, and -
"Hayner!" he gasped, sitting bolt upright in bed with one arm outstretched. His eyes flew open and he almost had a heart attack because of the state of shock in which he found himself. Blankets were swirled about his sweaty body like waves in a whirlpool and Seifer felt like he really had been in the ocean because he was dripping wet, especially his face and temples. His room was chilly and the breeze that cut under the door seemed to freeze his sweat onto his skin.
Seifer swore and untangled his limbs from the bed sheets, stumbling to the bathroom down the hall and running himself a shower.
Water droplets collected on the glass walls of the shower and ran down to the ground. Seifer stared in shock before he remembered - it was just a dream. His heartbeat had slowed to normal by the time he got in, and for a moment he just stood there. The shower was slow and gentle and he hardly registered the jets of lukewarm water sliding down his back.
A flash of black ocean tumbled through his mind. Seifer growled. He would not be conquered by a nightmare. It wasn't even a nightmare. It was a random coalescence of brain processes over which he had no control. He would see Hayner tomorrow - today, seeing as it was now early morning - and he would forget all about this stupid dream.
(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
Call my name and save me from the dark
"Seifer!"
When the door opened and he heard that familiar voice, Seifer let out a relieved sigh without knowing it. "Hayner." He turned to greet him and perhaps steal a quick kiss. He was stopped as Hayner put a hand on his chest and narrowed his eyes at him.
"You haven't slept."
"Of course I have," Seifer protested, suddenly feeling tired despite his words.
Hayner scrutinised him and shook his head. "You have dark circles under your eyes. And you sound like you just ran a marathon."
"Maybe I did." Seifer straightened up. "How else do you think I look so good?"
Huffing a little, Hayner pressed his lips to Seifer's very briefly, pulling away just as Seifer was leaning more into it, pressing them both into the doorframe. His honest, open face made Seifer feel weak. He had not become desperate, nor clingy, yet there was something about Hayner that kept him coming back. He always wanted more. How could he ever refuse?
"Hey," he whispered. A small smile broke his features and he pulled Hayner into a tight embrace. They didn't fit together perfectly - that kind of stuff was for romance novels - Hayner's elbows were sharp and their shoulders rubbed awkwardly, but it was good enough. More than good enough. Seifer wouldn't have it any other way.
"You … okay?"
After a brief moment of just breathing in the warmth they generated together, Seifer pulled away and nodded shortly. Hayner studied him again and Seifer squirmed awkwardly, wanting to avoid the subject of his apparent fatigue. "What?"
" … Nothing. No time for that now. Let's go to the beach!"
"The beach?"
Seifer blanched. Dark purple waves filled his vision and he felt nauseous. A black monster was pulling him down. Hayner called to him, sounding concerned.
I -
He collapsed, unconscious.
(Wake me up)
Bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up)
Before I come undone
(Save me)
Save me from the nothing I've become
Black and sickly blue like bruises washed over him in waves and Seifer felt like his body had probably absorbed the colours in the tide. The swell of the ocean receded and he squinted. The sun did not look right. Seifer cracked one eye open and discovered it was not the sun but in fact an artificial source of light. He found himself in his apartment on the couch. The room was quiet but he could hear a kettle boiling quietly and Hayner cursing at things in the kitchen which Seifer could not see.
Poking his head into the kitchen he almost ran Hayner over. The younger had a hot cup of tea in one hand and a bowl of icecream in the other - go figure - and swore with fright and surprise upon their narrow escape.
"Christ!"
Seifer couldn't help it. It was in his nature. "Hey, I know I'm perfect but isn't that taking it a bit far? The church might be offended."
Hayner scowled and almost emptied the boiling tea all over him, smirk and all. "You retard! Look where you're going."
He took the tea, looked Hayner up and down. "I'm looking."
"I didn't mean -"
Seifer leaned over and shut Hayner up with a gentle kiss, which gradually became a little less gentle and then rough, and he only stopped when he forgot about the tea and let it spill over his hand.
"Fuck!" He almost dropped the innocent offender and Hayner burst out laughing. "You really are a retard. First you faint in the doorway, then you nearly knock me over when I've got -"
For the second time in as many minutes, Seifer interrupted him. "What do you mean, I fainted in the doorway?"
Hayner was quiet for a moment. "You don't remember? You just collapsed."
The ocean, unforgiving.
"I guess I was tired after all," Seifer tried to laugh it off. Hayner didn't laugh with him. He plopped into the couch, icecream in hand, and started shovelling it in with his brows knitted. Seifer tried to muss his hair up, still making, for some unknown reason, a lame attempt to over-compensate for the strange and haunting dreams that had indirectly caused Hayner to worry about him.
Hayner growled and flicked a spoon of icecream at him. It caught him on the nose and eyebrow. Seifer just looked at Hayner, expressionless, until Hayner started laughing and called him a retard again.
Now that I know what I'm without
You can't just leave me
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life
He made Hayner lick it off, and would have liked that to lead to so much more, but Hayner was annoyingly persistent about an outing to the beach. Seifer would not go.
"Since when have you ever not wanted to go to the beach? Stop being a grandma."
Hayner was, like the ocean and its waves, relentless. His spirit was something that would not be quenched, ever; there was an invisible driving force that kept him in perpetual motion. He tossed Seifer about in a confused daze, he bewildered him, he occasionally spat him upon the shore leaving him with gritty sand in his mouth and a gullet full of bitter salt. He was beautiful, mysterious, so deep that no matter how long or far Seifer swam, he would never find the frontier.
"The weather is no good."
"Are you kidding?" Hayner seized his arm and tried to propel him towards the door. "Look out the window. It's perfect! Hardly any wind."
"Don't feel like it."
"Sei-fer! I can't understand you at all. What's your problem today? " Hayner sighed, exasperated, and let go of his arm. "What do you want to do, then?"
"Just … let's go skating," was all Seifer had to suggest. In fairness, it was not such a bad idea. Far from water, but good enough to keep them both active and entertained.
Hayner mulled it over. Watching his shoulders slump slightly with what he assumed was disappointment, Seifer couldn't help but feel guilty. He was after all being unreasonable and childish, not that he would admit it. How could he ever explain to Hayner that there was a dark and awful terror awaiting him in the sea?
(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
Call my name and save me from the dark
Seifer should have known. Like his many years of experience with the tide and its incessant pull, he should have heeded his long period of experience with this incessant boy who held over him all the hidden strength of an undertow.
He was unable to resist. Hayner called to him like a siren, body and voice tempting but something above and beyond that. Something unearthly that was not tangible but pulled him ever closer.
He saw it in Hayner's eyes as they drew together. He could never resist Hayner. Nimble hands danced over his sides and electrified his body and mind. He did not know how to express this feeling that flooded his entire being, did not know the words to explain it and so he did not, remaining always slightly cooler and calmer than he should have or would have.
"You look like you're really concentrating on something," Hayner breathed as he slid Seifer's clothes off. Seifer looked him in the eyes again and saw that something, fleeting and evanescent like the tide, always there but never within his reach. Was it the pursuit of this essence that made Hayner so … desirable?
The longer he looked, the further he fell. He was drowning in Hayner. There, the monster which awaited him was not the deep dark ocean, but another sort of monster entirely.
Soft kisses pushed him towards the cliff in his mind. He gave into reckless abandon, plunging into that ocean voluntarily. He would give his soul, for Hayner.
Now he was concentrating on something else entirely. The quiet groans as they came together, the searing taste of Hayner's skin and sweat, salty and inebriating. Fingers twisted as did tongues and limbs, voices and gasped names.
"Seifer …" The siren was calling to him again, needy, urgent. The undercurrent in Hayner's eyes became violent and his lips parted. His voice was ragged, little pants and moans filling Seifer's ears. Seifer kissed him bruisingly and their tongues ran together in the hot intimacy of their mouths. His movements became deeper, his thrusts almost animalistic, and as he felt his release almost wash upon him Hayner screamed and convulsed forcefully around him. The pressure was overwhelming. Seifer came with a quiet cry, pulling Hayner's hips further into his without realising. Strings of white laced their stomachs together and trickled down the backs of Hayner's thighs.
There was a quiet, satisfied lull as the two lovers curled into each other.
"I love you," Seifer whispered fiercely, although why he was whispering he did not know. Was he afraid? Did he not want anybody to hear his secret?
Hayner wove his fingers into Seifer's damp hair and drew his fingertips in tiny circles against the scalp there. There was a tiny smile upon his lips - almost like a trick of the light, a private smile, one that was just for Seifer, and it made him fall in love with Hayner all over again.
"I love you more," Hayner finally whispered back, the smile kicking up the sides of his mouth into a mischievous grin.
Seifer frowned at this and pinned Hayner beneath him, one hand to balance him and the other on the younger boy's side. "Is that a challenge?" he demanded, fingers starting to run up and down Hayner's ribs. Hayner squirmed and the grin widened. "Maybe," he squeaked as Seifer pounced and began madly tickling him.
(Wake me up)
Bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up)
Before I come undone
(Save me)
Save me from the nothing I've become
Days passed. Seifer did not succumb to the nightmarish ghoul of the sea in the night, and he began to feel that it was all simply, as stupidly and stubbornly as he had refused to believe, a dream.
Seifer believed himself to be strong. His sole weakness was found in that desert, that unending, borderless dreamscape that rippled and swelled around him and consumed him, where he wandered ever without relief and without sight of refuge. The desert that led him on in blistering heat, in blinding sun and soaring temperatures, and in the night cradled him with the sweet lull of waves washing upon a shore - for what he was searching, Seifer did not know. For the life of him, he did not know, and he would gladly give his life until the very last threads in tracking this desert that he knew as Hayner.
But he should have known. That desert was like the ocean, so very much like the ocean. A medusa, underneath that hypnotising veil of beauty and promise. And he had spent the eternity of his existence at the mercy of the ocean.
He should have known, but he did not, and so he believed himself strong enough to reject this fear of the unknown that taunted him from aquatic depths.
Hayner, not once giving up, insisted that they revisit the beach. After all, it was true, it held many good memories for the two of them. Many sweet nights had been spent there - and some less sweet, but all the same unforgettable.
And almost laughably, Seifer was a good swimmer. A strong swimmer. He had endured the ocean, and he would endure Hayner, and had been doing so, and he became surer and surer that his fears were ridiculous and unfounded. He was strong enough to save himself from whatever creepy power could possibly attempt to subdue him, should there even exist such a thing.
His arrogance - to be sure, not the arrogance which had clothed him in a time before, but an arrogance nonetheless - led him to agree to Hayner's pressing.
It was all worth it, he mused, as Hayner shouted and flung down his belongings into the powdery golden sand and leapt headfirst into the gentle white wash that bubbled away like a child's giggle.
"Come on, what are you waiting for?" Hayner raised his arms and beamed at Seifer, tight, firm muscles accented by the gleam of cool water and the warm sunlight.
Seifer stood at the edge. Waves innocently licked his toes - the water was sharp and icy, but only for a moment. If he jumped in right away as Hayner had, the cold would soon give way to a pleasant freshness. It was a beautiful day, clear sky and no ominous dark clouds. The surf looked as inviting as ever. Especially with Hayner waiting for him.
Bring me to life
(I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside)
Bring me to life
Assessing the sea from where he stood on the brink, Seifer ran his gaze critically over the blue stretch. It was beautiful, that was certain. He had often likened the beach to a gift in his mind. Something special for whoever came across it, a different meaning for every individual. Beautiful, yes.
Hayner waved to him, already shoulder-deep in the lull of shy waves that were nothing like the threatening storm which Seifer had been evading. Seifer wanted to go out there, wanted to feel cool velvety sheets of ocean passing over his skin, wanted to share that with Hayner.
"Oh, why not?" he mumbled to himself. He was a good swimmer. There was nothing to fear, there were other people present, and he would not allow his inhibitions to get in the way of him having a good time with Hayner.
He waded in, stiffening as the cold assaulted his thighs, groins, torso and neck. Hayner seemed to enjoy the full-body immediate submersion, as did Seifer ordinarily, but he couldn't help it if he was a little more cautious today. Given his recent experiences , he was hardly to blame, was he?
The water was calm and relaxing and Seifer felt foolish. If he were to tell Hayner he had been scared of this, this mild and wonderful past-time … well, Hayner already thought him ridiculous enough as it was.
Hayner was at his side now, treading water and flicking little drops at his face.
"Having fun?" he teased. "Come on!"
Seifer glared and lunged at him, arms slick with water winding about Hayner's sinewy body, and he clutched the other blond to him playfully.
"Hey," he breathed into Hayner's salty hair as Hayner attempted to writhe out of his grasp, aided by shouts and attempted blows to his shoulders and chest.
"Hey, what? Let go you retard!" Hayner yelled, but laughter in his voice betrayed him.
"Maybe if you stop calling me a retard …" Seifer dared to slip his hands down the front of Hayner's swimming shorts and lightly nipped him twice in the corner of his neck and shoulder.
"Seifer!" Hayner exclaimed, turning red. "People on the beach are watching us!"
"We're in the water. Not like they can see anything."
"Hmph. Stop molesting me," was all Hayner had to say, but he turned around and kissed Seifer back all the same.
"But where's the fun in that?"
Hayner pulled away. "Because when I get out of the water it'll be embarrassing." He began to swim away from Seifer.
Seifer rolled his eyes. As if either of them cared. "Okay, well since you're being a spoil-sport, maybe I'll go lie on the beach in all my glory and find somebody who won't complain about this sexy beast 'molesting' them."
A snort was all he got in reply.
"Fine, then," Seifer said to Hayner's retreating form and he began to swim back to the shore. The waves were stronger now and they hastened his return, giving him extra push as he swam forward.
He turned around to see where Hayner had gone but didn't spot him. The waves were becoming rougher now, some people bringing out surfboards in the hope of catching a good wave.
He found he didn't have to swim back to shore - the waves were powerful enough that they were pushing him without any effort on his behalf. He floated there, stationary, letting his muscles flex and relax, and that was when he felt it.
Frozen inside without your touch without your love darling
Only you are the life among the dead
His toes tingled first with warning, then his legs. Waves reared up behind him , imposing and towering well above his head. He fought to stay where he was, but something persisted in sinisterly forcing him to follow.
Seifer was on the edge of an undercurrent.
Dark splotches tainted his mind and he panicked. He could not stay here. He had to get back to shore. He heard a shout from the shore as the lifeguards on duty noticed what he, in all his paranoid prudence, had not.
But where was Hayner? Seifer forced himself to stay put, knowing that he was not in the worst part of the riptide, and concentrated on searching for Hayner to make sure he was okay.
His eyes raced frantically over the looming crests of oncoming waves - how had they become so large in such a short period of time? - and he thought he spotted a dirty blonde head tossing about in the surf.
"Hayner!" he shouted, but it was impossible to hear anything over the roar and crash of the waves.
Seifer gathered his courage and, though he knew he must not, began struggling through the storm towards Hayner. What could have stopped him, anyway? He would do anything for Hayner.
Waves assaulted him like soldiers unwilling to permit him through their ranks, dedicated to the last in their effort to prohibit him from reaching his desperate goal. Salt stung his eyes and his sinuses. He could barely breathe or see and his heart was palpitating awfully, erratically pounding blood through his stressed body. His muscles felt as if they were splitting with the energy he had to expend to surge against the impenetrable force of this deadly whirlpool. He wanted to turn back, but he would not.
The wind built up, hissing sea spray into his face and incapacitating his senses. Seifer swam on blindly, each breath of salty water burning his lungs. It was so much sharper and so much more painful in reality than his dream. Bitterly at the back of his mind he scorned his earlier self for having feared something that was nothing compared to this terrifying reality.
"Hayner!" he screamed again, now beginning to search in frantic desperation for somebody to help him - still Hayner had not surfaced from the black mass. Was he over there? Was he under, caught in the rip?
He spun hysterically in the bullying tide, trying to look for any sign - there! Hayner sputtered and gasped in a mouthful of ocean, arms flailing and hands grasping at air.
Panic hit him at full force, like a block of cement, and it was heavy enough that he was almost dragged under by his own shock. Hayner was almost a better swimmer than he, and he would never be seen thrashing about like this. Hayner was drowning in the rip.
"Hay -" he screamed, but was subdued by the force of the army that hurtled into him and drove him underwater.
Seifer was battling every screaming nerve ending in his system to focus, focus, concentrate on Hayner and just survive this hell, to not think about the goddamn dream that had ominously foretold this fate, to just get to Hayner. His vision was blurred, his ears exploding with pain. He didn't know if he could survive this ordeal, but it didn't matter.
All this time I can't believe I couldn't see
Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything
Without a thought without a voice without a soul
Don't let me die here
There must be something more
Bring me to life
He surfaced once more and came up screaming Hayner's name, salt rattling down his windpipe and his eyes burned almost to uselessness by seawater, and he saw a dark mop of hair very close to him. He made to grab for it, and that was when the red glare of the lifeboat seared through his vision.
"Take my hand!" A voice yelled, and Seifer leapt at Hayner again but the oceanic devil that had been mocking him all along grabbed him and tossed him away. Seifer felt his body hit the bottom, hard, and there was a hand on his shoulder, demanding attention, but the seawater in his face stopped him from being able to respond. He blinked, realising he was in the lifeboat, and he shot up and saw Hayner's battered form being hauled into the boat.
"Let's go!" somebody roared over the din of the portal to hell that was coming for them, the dark horses that would end Seifer's days, that evil spirit that he knew would somehow find a way to continue his misery from this moment forth, even though they were escaping and the sandy beach was now at their feet.
Seifer was propelled out of the boat, his whole being screaming for him to go to Hayner, but his energy had been sapped by the depths of the hellish ocean and he could only watch as Hayner was laid out on the beach and a lifeguard descended upon his mouth, attempting to insert some form of life into him, hands on his chest, vigorous movement doing nothing to reanimate the love of his life. Seifer could only watch as Hayner's half-closed eyes did not flicker, as that poor, weak body seemed to retreat into itself, as Hayner did not respond to the resuscitation.
"Hayner," he croaked, and his body animated itself and he was lurching over Hayner as the ambulance came screeching up even as the lifeguard attempted once again to find a sign of life and shook his head, lips pressed into a thin line.
"Hayner, Hayner," he said, and there were hot tears in his eyes spilling down his face, washing out all the sea salt and it was all for the worse because now he could see just how clearly Hayner was not coming back. His lips were already losing colour, his body ever slackening and his face like wax.
Seifer felt a raw fury broiling inside him and it broke out with a black vengeance. His hands trembled, his lungs felt as though they were caving in and his stomach churned and he wanted to vomit. He grabbed Hayner's shoulders and shrieked at him with all the uncontrollable tragedy of an abandoned lover, "Goddamit, Hayner! Fuck! Answer me! Oh, no, no … "
He didn't realise he was shaking Hayner until the paramedics gently led him away and Hayner was loaded up onto a stretcher and into the ambulance. There was no siren.
(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
Bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up)
Before I come undone
(Save me)
Save me from the nothing I've become
Black waves crashed through Seifer's dreams once again. He was tumbling, tossing, suffering in this giant grotesque hell. He was bruised purple and black and blue, deprived of sense, at the helpless mercy of this demon.
He would wander without stopping, without relenting, forever seeking, but the desert was endless and cruel.
Bring me to life
I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside
Bring me to life