Tony Gordon does not fuck gypsies... but anything else is fair game.
Tony looked up from his desk with alarm, surprise showing slightly more in his big eye than in his normal sized one. "Is that a Frisbee?!" he exclaimed to himself.
He stormed to the door and glared out at his twattish workforce. "WAS THAT A FRISBEE?!" he yelled with a force that shook Olympus itself. "I saw a Frisbee! And ah said, if I see one more Frisbee, I'm firing the lot of you! So you're all fired!" he continued, glaring at them slightly more with his bigger eye than with his normal sized one.
Sean gurned at Tony. "But the only other money I get is from my crappy DVD games! You can't fire me!"
"Fuck off," Tony replied, chucking a Frisbee at Sean's head.
Kelly dived between Sean and Tony, catching the Frisbee in her mouth as she passed. She broke her fall with a roll and chucked the Frisbee back in Tony's direction with a deft flick of her wrist. It bounced off his smaller eye, and he howled in pain.
"It's fucking swollen now!" he cried. Sean squinted at him as he took his hand away from his face.
"But they look about the same size," he commented.
Tony glared at them with the full force of his now equally-sized eyes, and Sean shat himself. "I said you're fired, now fuck off!"
Sean nodded meekly and scuttled away, trying to hide the shit stains on his bum-bum. Tony turned his mighty glare on the rest of his workers and they fled in a similar manner.
Tony surveyed his empty factory with a peculiar sense of satisfaction. "That'll teach the bastards not to fuck me about. Time to go get a pasty, and I'll fuck Roy about while I'm getting it!"
As Tony entered Roy's Rolls, he noted that there was no-one else in the café and leaned over the counter to glare menacingly at Roy.
"Tony, I've observed that your eyes are now the same size! Have you had surgery?" Roy chirped.
"Don't fuck me about, Roy," Tony growled. "I'm only here because I have some tension to relieve with one of your rolls."
"Is it sexual tension?" Roy inquired.
"I said don't fuck me about!" Tony replied, narrowing his gaze.
"You're a lot more attractive now that your eyes are the same size," Roy noted.
Tony's eyes re-widened. "What?" he sputtered.
"I said, you're a lot more attractive now that your eyes are the same size. Fancy a fuck?"
Tony shook his head vigorously and backed away from the counter. "Don't fuck me about!" he repeated. He chucked a chair across the counter at Roy before fleeing the shop.
Tony sprinted across the street, but his escape was halted as Maria's car careened into him.
"You crazy bitch! Don't fucking run me over!" he yelled, glaring at her with his MIGHTY SAME SIZED EYES.
"Sorry, Tonyyy," Maria replied. She leaned out of the car window and peered curiously at him as he peeled himself from the asphalt. "You look a bit like Liam now that your eyes are the same size. Fancy a fuck?"
"No! Don't fucking run me over then fuck me about, Maria!" Tony replied. He sprinted away to the pavement before Maria had a chance to run him over again.
Running into the Rovers, Tony tried to find solace in the men's lavatory, however all he found in there was a rather flustered Norris. The sixty year old bespectacled pain in the arse got all in a tizzy at the sight of Tony's fucking gigantic hypnotic eyeballs.
"Norris... Get yer fucking eyes off my ball sack or I'll club you over the head with this Frisbee I confiscated earlier" Tony produced the large lime green Frisbee from his oversized MAN-POCKETS.
Norris placed a timid hand on Tony's shoulder, and the grand master ramrod's eyes grew to epic proportion. "Now Tony, if you want to get physical all you have to do is to direct those now not-gimpy eyes towards my penis packet"
Tony's eyes managed to grow wider than humanly possible, grabbed Norris' hunchback and threw him into a urinal. "Don't fuck me about!"
Lloyd burst in through the door and stared at the frail Norris whose head was now smashed through the urinal and through the wall behind it. "What did you do to that old man?!" he asked flabbergasted.
"Plenty..."
Lloyd could sense a threatening presence in the men's lavatory and made to leave. "Where d'ye think YOU'RE goe-wing?" Tony snarled at the Takeshi's Castle narrator.
Lloyd stammered, "I...I-"
"DON'T fuck me ABOUT, Lloyyyyyd!", Tony bellowed, and pummeled Lloyd's horrible face with his mighty Gordon-fists.
Roy jumped as Tony reappeared from the lavatory with such a bang it would send Brian Blessed into convulsions. Mr. Gordon paused suddenly, narrowing his abnormal eyes in concentration.
"My Tony senses are TING-GA-LING!", he exclaimed, and made a dramatic exit through the door of the Rovers.
At the speed of his own self Tony tripped and fell over in the street. Now sprawled on the ground in a rather undashing fashion he came to his knees and yelled, "CARLAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Where are you! I fell on my bum-bum!" he stifled a whimper and clambered to his feet.
He glared menacingly at the pavement, "don't fuck me about!" he shook his fist at the ground and stomped down the street. Both women and men alike would whistle and gawp as he went, to which he would just reply, "I'm Tony fucking Gordon, don't fuck me about"
Tony found himself back outside Roy's Rolls, and he wandered inside. Roy yelped and retreated into the back when he saw Tony return. "I forgot my pasty!" Tony exclaimed. He vaulted over the dent in the counter his earlier attack had left and rooted around behind the glass case. "None of these pasties belong to a real food group!" he grumbled, but he grabbed one anyway and casually toddled out of the shop.
As he stepped out on to the street, he spotted a familiar vehicle driving past within the local speed limit. "CARLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" he cried, throwing himself across the bonnet. Carla frowned up at him through the windscreen.
"Tony, what are you doing?" she snapped, but he didn't hear her because A) there was a windscreen between them and B) he was distracted by her huge lips. "You're getting pasty smears on me windscreen ya dingleberry!"
Tony continued clawing at her windscreen and screaming her name until she got out of the car. He sat up on the bonnet and she stared vacantly at his face. "Tony, what happened to your eyes? They're strangely sexual. You look a bit like Liam now that they're the same size. Fancy a fuck?"
Tony put the pasty down on the car roof and lay across the bonnet. "Fuck me about, Carla," he replied.
Carla stripped down to her pants with the speed of Bruce Banner turning into The Hulk, while Tony writhed about on the bonnet trying to squirm out of his trousers. "Hurry up, you tit!" she commanded. But she was impatient, and so she ripped his trousers off him herself and leapt on him.
"Carla!" Tony cried, looking with disdain at the remains of his shredded trousers. "Those were my best pair!"
"You can get another pair of trousers any time Tony, but now is your only chance for you to fuck me and have me enjoy it."
Carla rode him for a full hour like a wild animal riding a domesticated animal of the same species. By the time they were done the entire street had gathered to watch and cheer them on. As they finished, the crowd burst into applause.
"I haven't seen a fuck like that for decades," commented a miraculously healed Norris, wiping a nostalgic tear from his eye.
Tony and Carla climbed into Carla's car. Noting the sex stains splattered across her windscreen, Carla scowled and turned on the wipers. "Now let's go home and get you some trousers," Carla commented. Tony didn't answer, his mind still lost in sexual euphoria.
Carla gave the half-naked Tony a coal carry and chucked him down on the couch.
"Carla, will you ever fuck me about again?"
"No."
Tony, now coming back to his magnificent arsehole senses, knew that if he ever wanted to be fucked about again he'd have to learn to make her love him like she loved Liam. And the only way to do that was to contact Liam. He snatched the cold pasty up from the desk and ran away to his room.
"Tony!" Carla called after him. "Put some fucking trousers on!"
In his room, Tony switched on his computer, and as soon as it was fully operational he googled "how to make a Ouija board".
Tony tipped all the papers and precious china plates from his desk and set up the Ouija board. He lit candles on his desk and turned out the lights, then sat in front of the desk with the pasty held in front of him.
"Liam..." he muttered. "Liam!"
Liam's face appeared in swirling green mist like the Wizard of Oz. "What is it, Tony?" he asked. "Come to apologize for killing me?"
"Don't fuck me about, Liam. This isn't how Ouija boards work."
"Fuck you, Tony."
"Fuck you, Liam. But since you're here, I want lessons in fucking."
"What's in it for me?"
"This pasty." Tony waved the cold pasty at Liam's weird ghosty face.
"I love pasties, me. You've got a deal. The first lesson in fucking is—"
Light flooded the room, and Liam's face disappeared.
"Liam, don't fuck off on me!" Tony cried.
Carla squinted at him from the doorway. "Tony, why are you fucking about in the dark with candles?"
"Carla! I had no idea you were there watching my floor sausage at work!" Tony threw the pasty at the wall and it stuck.
The End