Title: "Two Sides Of A Coin"
Author: Shaitanah
Rating: PG-13
Timeline: OotP, Occlumency lessons
Summary: Severus Snape is a complicated man with a hard life. These are random tidbits of his past along with his clouded present. Please R&R!
Disclaimer: Everything belongs to J.K. Rowling.
A/N: Implications of JP/SS slash. Note that the month in the end of the story means a lot. As far as I remember, Occlumency lessons ended in April.
A/N2: For Angel. A Snape story from moi, huh? ;)
TWO SIDES OF A COIN
When I seem to believe all that I've done wrong,
You can take all that's right, I will still move on.
Taken all I can give it seems that I don't belong.
Push me further from this, go on.
Oh, I live a lie, oh, I live a lie, oh, why even try?
I've been leaving thoughts below,
Still I feel I should know.
Default. 'Live A Lie'
That Monday evening he knew better than to leave his quarters. It was extremely cold outside, wind howled fiercely in the ventilation shafts, whirling a cloud of snowflakes before his window. The lesson with Gryffindors, deeply resented by him, was not that bad. Potter – cursed be that name! – was half-asleep all the time. It amused Snape to poke him with a long thin spoon he used to mix potions and ask him relatively idiotic questions that had absolutely nothing to do with the lesson itself.
Evening was at hand. Snape walked about his empty office, uncertain what to do before the boy arrived. That blasted little bespectacled nightmare that was a reckless, brainless, arrogant copy of his loser of a father was coming again tonight for another meaningless round of Occlumency. Lacking subtlety, being a proud, impatient fool, Potter would never master it – Snape told it to Dumbledore (in a far more subtle form, of course, since Harry was Dumbledore's favourite) but would the Headmaster listen? He had his motives for everything, a wonderful, mysterious man that Albus Dumbledore was.
Snape rolled something in his pocket. It was a light, little object; he extracted it to have a better look. An ancient coin. He had carried it in his pocket for as long as he cared to remember. One of its sides was dark, demonstrating its old age in every particle of dirt that covered it. Contrary to it, the other one was silvery, radiating pale glow. It was an old silver Galleon, long out of use. Snape had no idea how it came to be in his possession but he treasured it automatically.
He threw the coin up, watching it turn somersaults in the air, catching a few dim rays of light and reflecting them with its brighter side. The coin dropped to reveal heads covered in dirt. 'Voldemort', Snape thought. He played this game frequently these days. Voldemort was the black side. Shiny tails were Dumbledore. He threw the coin up once more.
'Voldemort again. A dangerous job. To fail means to die, but he trusts me as much as he can ever trust anyone at all. I'm his favourite, that takes a lot of wit. Damn!'
He tried again and got the bright side finally.
'Dumbledore', he sighed moodily. 'He trusts me too. He's the only one here who really values me. He was there for me whenever I really needed it. He's the best wizard in this stinking world. But he is holding Potter's leash. Mine too, come to think about it'.
The coin jingled as it touched the floor. Snape bent down and picked it up. Heads.
'Can I really turn back on my lifelong fascination with the Dark Arts? Can I become a poor scientist only interested in darkness to find the means to defeat it once and for all? Of course not!'
Tails.
'Did I really feel that bad when James was killed? I told the Dark Lord about the blasted Prophecy, didn't I?'
Heads.
'Dumbledore vouched for me so that I was cleared from any suspicions'.
Heads.
Snape glanced at the clock. Potter was late again. Typical.
He put the coin away. Heavy doors of his office snapped open and the boy slid in rapidly. He cast Snape a morose look as he strolled towards the seat he usually occupied in this class. Leaning against a cupboard where dusty old vials of potions were collected, Severus motioned for him to sit down. His thoughts were still adrift in some other remote space, not caring to get back to earth and this boring, pointless assignment the Headmaster had burdened him with.
"Evening, sir", said Harry. Snape gave a curt nod.
The coin was still in his pocket, scorching his fingers, a clear evidence of his hesitation. He grasped it as tight as he could, feeling its verge grind into his palm.
Silence dragged on. Potter's emerald eyes were fixed upon Snape stubbornly. It annoyed the professor pretty much. He frowned, saying dryly:
"Why are you staring at me in that ungrateful way? You should be thankful that I agreed to squander my evenings with you. My time is not boundless".
Potter's eyes narrowed to slits. "Yeah, sure", he uttered in a low rumbling voice.
"What's that?"
"Sore throat, sir", the boy hissed with extreme animosity, without even trying to conceal the mockery.
Severus snorted. So childish, so stupid! Too much like James.
"Get up!" he ordered. "Have you been practicing?"
The question clung to his palate like a dry remnant of candy. He asked it every lesson, and every lesson Harry fed him a clumsy lie, "Yes, I have".
"We'll see then", Snape murmured and took his wand out. Before Harry could concentrate, he fired a regular curse: "Legilimens!"
Harry sunk to the floor, blinded by an impenetrable shield of light and visions that swept through his mind, splitting his skull in half.
Dudley was bullying him in front of their classmates at primary school… again… He found a chocolate frog Dumbledore card… 'alas, ear wax!'… Sirius was asking Harry to come and live with him…
And then – Harry shouted 'Protego!' again, persistently and furiously – his mind got clouded by Snape's memories for the professor had no time to hide them.
'You will do as I say!' a tall, hook-nosed man was yelling angrily. 'Eileen, you hear me!? You will do as I say!'
The stream of horror emerging from the vision ended abruptly. Harry found himself lying on his back, his eyes wide open with fear, almost filled with tears as if he'd been in that room trying to force the dark-haired man away from the woman he was shouting at. His nostrils were cloyed with bitter metallic scent and some sticky liquid. His hand shot up to his face and only when his fingers came away stained with blood he realized it was broken.
Snape was looking down at him with cold, unreadable black eyes. "On your feet!" he mouthed as if there wasn't enough air for him in the room to speak the words aloud. Aching all over, Harry crept up on his feet, inhaled sharply and got ready to counter the next spell. The wizard, however, lingered.
"Good enough for a frightened amateur!" he concluded. "I always thought you were a bit overestimated".
Harry responded with an evil glare. "Who's Eileen?" he blurted out, mastering his breath.
Snape froze. He didn't realize the brat would pick up on a name snatched from a little tidbit of a memory, not even sufficient to make out the whole scene.
"None of your business", Snape snarled. "Let us go on. On the count of three. One – two –".
"Not until you tell me who Eileen is", Potter retorted stubbornly.
"Which part of none-of-your-business, Potter, do you not understand! –Three! Legilimens!"
Harry's world swam again. He gripped his head, compressed his temples and let out a long howl. Visions of his past beat wildly around him like caged birds. His parents in that scrapbook Hagrid presented him with in his first year… Saving Hermione from the troll in the dungeons… His first encounter with the Dark Lord… Cedric, stone-cold, and his father wailing over him, knowing his brilliant boy would never smile, talk, jump from the trees, win the first prizes again…
"No! No! Get the fuck out of my head!" Harry roared and pushed Snape away mentally. The wizard lost his balance and sank to the floor. His black eyes remained fixed on Harry steadily. The boy caught his breath and looked back, bewildered.
Snape bared his teeth as if to curse. Harry was staring at him, prepared for the worst. Could there be anything worse than just being here at all?
"Good", Snape said all of a sudden. "I see what it takes to actually make you work. Nobody likes the word 'no'!"
Soon after that Snape finally dismissed him. Harry disappeared behind the door, awarding professor with the dirtiest look he could manage.
"Get away from me!" a woman was screaming. She cried so loud, as if inside him, in one rhythm with his breath and his pounding heart, over and over again. "I'm taking the boy, I'm leaving you!"
"Fine! Take that abomination, you filthy liar! You should have told me sooner!" a man responded in a hoarse, piercing voice. "By God, you should have told me sooner, Eileen! I'll kill you now! I'll fucking kill you now!"
"Don't you dare touch me or him!"
"You'll burn in Hell, you fucking bitch! You'll see!"
The woman's dark eyes gleamed with tears of fury. She reached for the wand but her hand froze in mid-motion. The hook-nosed man struck her a swinging blow. She staggered, yelping quietly.
"Tobias, please! You'll wake him up!"
Tears streamed down her face. What happened? What the hell happened to them? They loved each each other in the beginning!
Something caught her eye. A movement. Eileen looked back at Tobias, hoping he hadn't noticed. His uncontrollable flashes of anger frightened her. More than she ever cared to think deeply about she felt a persistent desire to grab her wand and end it all at once. She was so much stronger than him, come to think about it. One wave of her wand…
Sometimes he realized he had been wrong. He would hug her afterwards and say he was sorry, so very sorry! He'd say he'd always loved her, he always would, but she cringed in his embrace, she became a tightened ball of nerves, ready for another swift blow. And he would sense it and blow up again.
Her greatest fear was to let their son see them. But then again, he was a good spy, he could hide well enough and sometimes even she, being his mother, didn't know where he would watch the fight from. He'd pretend he didn't cry afterwards. But she always knew his little secrets though, by Merlin, he was so good at keeping them.
He was there now, watching them again. Eileen tried to hold her husband's attention but he got distracted when something stirred in the corner.
"Get out!" he spat. "Now!"
The boy crawled out from the shadow. He stood erect in front of his father, trying to seen unafraid. But Eileen could feel his agitation.
"Come on, sweetie", she whispered. "Do as your papa says. Go to bed".
Tobias flashed her a warning look. Then he turned back to the boy. His eyes were so dark they resembled two pools swelling with pitch-black. The boy swallowed nervously.
"What have you been doing there?" Tobias asked menacingly.
"No-… Nothing", the boy murmured.
"Nothing, huh!? I'll teach you how to eavesdrop!" The man raised his hand. Eileen shrieked and wound up beside her son in a blink of an eye.
"I swear, Tobias, if you touch him–!"
"You'll do what!? Hex me, you fucking bitch!" he laughed bitterly. "Stay where you are!" he spat at the boy who was moving slowly away from the 'battle-field'.
He wouldn't stop at his father's words. Eileen was looking at him encouragingly. Tobias cursed furiously and reached for the boy.
Severus ran, listening to the harsh sound of his own breath, feeling the piercing pain between his ribs, but the staircase seemed never-ending, and he would never reach his room, he would never be safe again, and he left her alone with that evil, abusive man who had replaced his father, and guilt pressed on him like an unbearable weight, and he could hear stomping downstairs, and he…
…woke up.
Sweating and panting, he came back to reality in his cold dungeon. He threw the blanket off, letting the draught chill him out. His pulse sped up and wouldn't want to slow down. As if he were up there, running away, chased by his worst fears! He'd hurt her, he'd kill her, then he'd come after him!
Severus groaned quietly. Blasted Potter! Cursed – be – that – name! He was solely responsible for the return of those dreams. 'Who's Eileen?' he had asked.
Snape grabbed a water jug and hurled it at the wall.
Another Monday, Severus was thinking grimly as he waited for the lesson to start. The students were filling the classroom gradually, silver and green, red and gold flowing in, boiling around their seats, chattering and settling down. There he was, Potter. He wondered how much Potter had already babbled about him with his nasty friends.
Before the lesson started, he tried to cheer himself with throwing his coin up and catching it. A fairly pointless, idiotic game but Severus had come to like it.
"Everything alright, Professor?" young Malfoy asked sympathetically.
Snape flashed him a dismal glance. It must have been about his swollen eyes and his worn-out looks – bad dreams all the way through the week, including the week-end.
Granger whispered something in Potter's ear. He nodded stiffly, looking about the classroom as if afraid to be overheard. Talking about him? Or rather, her, Eileen? Snape frowned.
'Give'em hell, Severus', he told himself. After all, abusing his power as a teacher was what he could do best of all.
Harry burst in Snape's office, feeling very aggravated. Public humiliation in class was nothing next to his private affliction: he was considerably fed up with Cho's growing paranoia and jealousy, directed pointlessly towards Hermione. Harry was tired of telling her Hermione was just his friend. After all, it wasn't his fault that Hermione was always there for him and knew how to get his safety through the danger better. Yet Cho was getting jealous, without stopping to talk about Cedric all the time.
Harry thought he's had enough. The worst thing was he couldn't handle his emotions right now so he'd have to reveal his troubles to Snape and deserve another mockery and reproach. 'Occlumency is not for those who lack subtlety, Potter!' he monkeyed the professor, balling his fists nervously. 'The hell I need it then. What if I'm quite comfortable with my dreams without your bloody help?'
He was beginning to despise the whole world, revolving crudely around him. It was Dumbledore's stupid idea to leave him to the sadistic Snape's mercy! It was Cho who wanted him to repeat every juicy detail of Diggory's demise over and over again.
'Cedric was lucky he died soon enough!' he wanted to scream in her face. 'I was in danger! I was tied to the tombstone, tortured, I had my arm cut and it was my blood that brought that murderous bastard back to life! I had to duel with him in front of his lunatic minions. I'm being tormented by dreams and visions, I'm labeled a liar!'
Harry caught his breath and brushed his sweaty palm over his forehead. He noticed it only then that Professor Snape had already occupied his regular seat at the table and was watching him, intrigued.
"Good evening, sir", Harry squeaked, slightly embarrassed. Snape nodded and asked his infamous question. "Yes, I have been practicing!", Harry pressed, hoping his lie had not emaciated from him so that Snape could sense it.
His gaze fell upon a round object on Snape's table. A coin? Harry drew closer, dreading to be so close to the Potions Master, but Snape continued staring at him with a sort of curiousity shining in his eyes that seemed quite striking from this point of view. Harry picked the coin up and took a better look at it. It was weird. A Galleon, obviously, a bit heavier than modern ones, which told Harry it must have been an older version. It was double-colored, one side of it almost brown, the other – bright and beautiful. Harry wondered if the coin was enchanted or something.
"I want you to tell me about Eileen", Harry said and added in haste, "…sir!"
"Very funny, Potter. Haven't you been listening to me all those years we've known each other? I don't do favours".
"No", Harry agreed. "Let's play then. Heads or tails?"
Snape considered the offer. Harry was half-sure he wouldn't agree, but the Potions Master mouthed lazily, "Heads".
"Fine! Heads – we continue Occlumency; tails – you tell me something about Eileen".
He threw the coin up. It reversed in the air several times. Harry's stomach growled nervously. What if it worked?.. Would he learn something about… Snape?
The coin landed with a soft jingle. Snape took it and showed Potter a hideous brown side. A satisfactory smile bloomed on his forever sullen face. With a sigh of defeat Harry grabbed his wand and prepared to shield his mind from intrusion.
Weeks went by. It amused Snape that Harry was set to begin every study from that simple game. He threw and threw the coin up but he never go what he wanted. It made him think the coin was jinxed. He insisted on taking another one. Snape swallowed laughter but let the boy do what he would – just because it was funny to watch him try to have things his way.
One day luck deserted Severus. Astounded, he saw the coin land on the verge, roll around and fall the silver side up.
Harry's eyes shone triumphantly. Snape frowned.
"Well?" the boy grinned. "How about you tell me about Eileen now?"
"Eileen was my mother!" Snape barked. "Now get out! The lesson is cancelled!"
"Don't turn your back on me, James, you hear me!" Malfoy yelled, pointing his wand at the figure that was slowly going away into the fog. "We're not finished yet!"
"Oh yes, we are. See you in the pitch, Lucius".
Severus inhaled harshly. It was sheer madness to duel with Lucius Malfoy who was not only a few years older, but he also descended from a grand clan of black wizards. Malfoy might not have been the brightest sorcerer of his age but he was not exactly dumb either. What Potter was about to start, could have been considered a suicide. He'd be off to his own funeral in a matchbox!
The next day Snape overheard a conversation between Potter and his gang. Black's face had gone absolutely purple as he hissed, fuming, through his clenched teeth:
"You must be out of your fucking mind, mate! You cannot do this! He certainly knows some dangerous stuff we don't even want to know!"
"Yes", Lupin's solemn voice came. "Just look at him: he's neck-deep in the Dark Arts. It's running in the family".
"Is this because of Evans?! Chill out, Malfoy doesn't want her!"
"I know", Potter replied coolly. A screeching sound flowed from behind the door. Snape drew back rapidly. He certainly didn't want them to catch him eavesdropping on their argument. Fortunately for him, the sound was nothing more than the fourth of them, the chubby, dim-witted Pettigrew speaking. He mumbled something indecisively, causing the fight to pause.
"What's that, Peter?" Black asked sharply.
"He wants to impress her", Pettigrew repeated shyly. "Lily Evans".
"Fat chance", Lupin remarked.
Snape wondered briefly why Potter wasn't talking for himself. He leaned closer to the key-hole and peered inside the common room. Sitting on the back of the coach, Sirius was looking disapprovingly at his friend who paced quietly in front of him. Pettigrew skulked in the corner with a look of humble despair upon his face. Lupin as the most tolerable of the four, so to speak, was reading by the window.
"This is nuts", Black sighed, exasperated.
James glanced at him and spoke with sudden fury: "For Merlin's sake, Sirius, stop patronizing me! Let me do what I want with my bloody life!"
He stormed out of the room. Severus barely had enough time to hide back in the shadows, otherwise, Potter would have noticed him. He could hear stirring in the room and Pettigrew's squeaky voice uttered timidly: "He's kinda right, you know. Sometimes you're just a bit overbearing…"
'His mother', Harry was thinking, tossing in his bed that sleepless night. Right… He'd already seen her, the same flashback when a hook-nosed man was shouting at a cowering woman and a little boy was contemplating the fight.
"Damn!" Harry groaned out loud. Next to him Ron turned in his bed, mumbled something in his sleep, and Harry tensed. Giving away Snape's secrets would be too dangerous. He remembered the way the Potions Master was looking at him during the lesson. Clearly, he was expecting to be betrayed. 'Huh! So that you could hate me more!? Never, Professor!'
Ron fell quiet. Harry let out a breath he didn't realize he'd been holding and dropped his head on the pillow. He should try to get some sleep before another busy day.
Severus raised his head. Potter rushed into the library, his hands were shaking violently, and he nearly smashed the mug of hot pumpkin juice he was holding. Snape swallowed the giggle.
James glared at him menacingly and asked in a hoarse voice: "What are you doing here?"
"Unlike some – let's not specify – I am reading", Severus fired back. "Though I s'pose, you have no idea what that is".
"Watch it, 'Snivellus'!" Potter growled, but there was no heat in his tone, there was no J a m e s.
He walked about the room, took a random book from the shelf, flopped in the chair, rustled through the pages, jumped up, threw the book on the table and began pacing annoyingly fast and loud. Snape maintained his visual control though Potter's actions were beginning to drive him out of his mind.
"Ready for tomorrow, Potter?" he asked insolently. "The whole Slytherin House has been absolutely buzzing about it. Trust Lucius to keep things in secret!"
"What, Snape, envious? After all, it's not you who's going to kick my ass tomorrow".
Severus got up. Insult was ready to leap forth from his lips but as he came up to James, the boy turned round to face him, and their lips collided. It wasn't a kiss, at least not a proper kiss. They just remained silent and motionless, their lips pressed together, until James opened his mouth awkwardly and let Severus's tongue slide in. Clumsily at first, Snape regained control of his movements. He stepped up to James, not leaving a stream of air between their bodies. It was oddly arousing. Snape inhaled, sucking James's scent in with an insatiable force.
Potter interrupted their kiss and stumbled backwards. His eyes glinted with excitement. Snape lowered his head. 'Shit!' the thought crossed his mind. 'Bloody hell!'
Harry shrieked as a lightning of visions ripped through his mind. He tried to push the Potions Master out as hard as he possibly could, but his grip tightened, his coffee-black eyes gleamed with fierce determination. Harry balled his fists, dipping his bitten fingernails deep into the soft flesh of his palms. He hoped the pain would chase the sensation away.
He could see Cho and Cedric at the Yule Ball last year, he felt the same jealousy again. Ron had refused to talk to him, and the whole school called Harry names after it was revealed that he'd take part in the TriWizard Tournament.
Harry wailed. Sharp ache shot through his knee. He hit Snape's table again, damn! It started to sting as it started to swell, and the boy breathed in and out in a harsh, martial fashion.
Malfoy offered him friendship and he declined. He never liked the way this unpleasant, pallid boy spoke about the inferior. As if there was someone inferior to him at all!
Harry swept his palms over his face.
"Stop…" he muttered. "Please. Stop! STOP!!"
He opened his eyes, feeling dizzy. The floor swayed beneath him. Snape's shape before him looked oddly dim. A strong hand gripped his forearm and helped him up on his feet.
"It only hurts when you're trying to fight back", Snape said. "If it hurts, it means you're doing the right thing".
"Even if it's intertwined with something I'm not supposed to see?" Harry blurted out.
He already regretted having said it. Snape regarded him with a tough, icy look and answered reluctantly: "Yes, even in such circumstances. Come on, the lesson is not over yet".
"Wait", Potter said. The double-colored coin was lying solemnly on the table. Snape followed his pupil's gaze and rolled his eyes. Fortunately, the student didn't see that moment of weakness. "Shall we play?"
"I've already told you about Eileen".
"Well, then you tell me something else".
Snape shrugged. What bad could it possibly do? Every hard lesson needs an occasional break. Besides, Potter wouldn't get tails now. It took him several weeks to get tails on the last question, and Snape had even let him throw the coin three times in a row.
"Tails", the boy grinned mischievously.
Snape gaped at him. 'Shit! Shit!! Shit!!!'
"Alright", he said with a clear look of disgust. "What do you want?"
"A kiss", Harry drew out with a mix of doubt and suggestion. Instead of smacking him across the face (as he would have expected) Snape merely laughed. Harry added more bravely: "What do you know, I might just kiss you and turn you to a better teacher as in a fairytale?"
"Are you implying I am a bad teacher?" Snape scoffed, trying to handle his laughter. Not the easiest thing to do…
"I can't understand a single word you're saying about Potions".
"It only proves that you're a poor student. The answer is no, Potter".
Harry grinned maliciously. His forest-green eyes darkened. "I saw you kiss my father in that dream".
Snape leaned into him, their faces almost touching. Harry quivered. Did he really want it? To kiss Snape? What was he thinking? What he saw in that vision was a mistake of two confused teenagers. His father was on edge because of the upcoming duel (oh he knew how well a Malfoy could piss a person off!) and Snape's jests. It was never meant to happen.
He held his breath. Was Snape really going to do this? Why did he linger then?
Snape smelled of herbs faintly. It was a vague spicy, clinging smell that would remain on Harry's clothes if he should press his body to Severus's, in Harry's mouth if their lips should touch.
Snape smirked unpleasantly. "I thought you hated being compared to your father", he said coolly.
He walked away. The door of his private door banged dismissively. Harry knew the lesson was over. Something inside of him trembled like a string that had been let go.
April showers came swiftly, unexpectedly. The sky, still greyish, already bore the gentle touch of spring blue, hardly visible through the rain – yet somehow it was known (the sixth sense, maybe) that it was there, patiently waiting to reveal itself, to blaze anew through the sky, breathing life into the waking world. Blades of grass fought their way through the remaining snow cover. Sometimes, young and juicy, they got caught unawares by another bout of frost. They lost the battle, they fell asleep again, withering and drained of color. But then the cold was gone for good, and grass made another appearance, not as bright and sudden as the first one, but the most necessary.
All through these months dreams wouldn't leave Severus alone. Moreover, he knew Potter had not been practicing out of class. Their lessons became longer and harder. The more they studied, the less sleep Snape could get but it didn't bother him as long as he was certain of the outcome.
April was in bloom. Sitting at the table, Snape glimpsed the calendar quickly. His coin was lying on the table as usual, covered by his palm protectively. He picked it up, rolled it between his fingers as if examining for the very first time.
He ought to have kept the boy at distance.
'Heads – Voldemort, tails – Dumbledore'. It was an old game; he almost forgot about it. But something inside him refused to let go easily. He threw the coin up.
The silver side. He already knew. It was still in the air, but Severus had already decided for himself. Whatever the circumstances, he had already chosen the silver side…
Severus took a seat in a comfortable over-sized chair and relaxed for the first time in the past few days.
The All Hallows' Eve thundered like a canon in the deafening silence. Everyone knew the Potters had been marked for death but those who helped create the Fidelius Charm to shield their house in Godric's Hollow believed in the best. Such naiveté was soothing, producing the feeling of false safety. When Severus learnt of the tragedy that broke out a few days ago, he felt the foundation of the world had shattered.
He didn't sleep much those days. He dared not close his eyes: images of the deaths he had never witnessed haunted him.
The night the Dark Lord fell his Dark Mark scorched painfully once more and wound up still. Snape rolled up his sleeve to examine his forearm. The Mark paled a few shades. Soon it should disappear completely.
The hunt for the Death Eaters had already begun. It took Snape a lot of cunning effort to get to the Order's headquarters. He wished to speak to Dumbledore. After all, his future had already been determined.
The sound of footsteps grew louder. Severus rose to greet Professor McGonagall. She was dressed formally though it was hard to say if she was mourning or celebrating. Dark-violet shades encircled her sparkling eyes. She hadn't slept for a long time either.
McGonagall offered Snape a weak smile.
"So nice to see you, Severus", she said, patting his shoulder. "We've been so worried about you".
"I'm quite alright, Minerva", Snape nodded courteously. He rarely called the members of the Order by their first names. Well, this must have been an exclusive moment.
"The Aurors will be looking for you shortly", McGonagall went on rapidly. "After all, you are registered as a present Death Eater. Please, do not stand up to law. Professor Dumbledore should find a way to clear your name as soon as possible. The Order will abandon you by no means!"
"I certainly hope so. I have no wish to spend the rest of my life in Azkaban", Snape remarked sardonically.
McGonagall's eyes glistened with tears of compassion. Nevertheless, she managed another smile, a brave, strong woman that she was. She opened her mouth as if to add something but she restrained herself. Snape shut his eyes for a brief moment.
"I understand how you feel", Minerva whispered. He doubted it though he gave none of his thoughts away. "But noone blames you. You had to maintain your legend. None of this is your fault".
"Do you really believe what you're saying?" Snape maundered bitterly.
"I'll go get Professor Dumbledore. Wait here".
She left. Snape strolled about the room, listening to vague sounds of doors opening and sliding closed in the distance. Remorse crawled back into his soul, eating him from the inside. He shouldn't have told Voldemort about… He just should not have!..
A baby whined in the nearby. Snape looked around and saw an unlocked door. Light fell on the carpet through the narrow slit, turning its patterns silver. Severus walked in carefully. A crib was placed next to the window. A little boy, barely over a year old, was sitting on a laying of soft sheets, reaching out for a ridiculous-looking plush bear that must have fallen out for it was tumbled down a few inches away from the crib.
"Hello there", Severus muttered. The baby regarded him with a mixed look of curiousity and pleading. His peach-colored face wrinkled. Rosy flush appeared on his plump cheeks.
Severus pointed the wand at the bear. Airborne, it whirled above the baby's head and made a couple of hilarious dance pax. The boy's first reaction was puzzlement. His emerald eyes grew enormous. Such familiar eyes… He waggled his head, and Severus noticed an odd lightning-shaped scar crossing half of his forehead.
"Ah, Severus", Dumbledore's placid, husky voice snapped him back to reality. Snape nodded to greet the Headmaster. "I see you've met Harry, our little guest".
Harry… The name was supposed to mean something to him, wasn't it? Snape frowned. To hell with it! It didn't matter at all right now.
"Albus", McGonagall rasped impatiently. "Hagrid is waiting. If you are still certain–".
"Of course, I am certain, Minerva! Voldemort's followers will keep looking for him once the word is spread he had survived. This boy, after all", Severus noticed that Dumbledore was now looking solely at him, "is a legend. The one who defeated Him-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. He is the Boy Who Lived. The Potters' boy".
"The Potters'…" Snape murmured. Of course! That's where he heard the name 'Harry"!
McGonagall carried the baby away. His beautiful eyes (Lily Evans's eyes, now that he could recall) stayed fixed upon Severus till the woman walked out of the room and the man's view.
"If I am allowed to ask, Headmaster", began Snape, "Where are you taking him? The Potters' have no relatives alive, to my knowledge".
"Oh yes, my friend, they do. Lily had a sister. She is now married to a Muggle whose surname is Dursley. I am placing the boy under their care".
"Muggles?" Snape exclaimed, unable to restrain himself. His lip curled in resentment. "But wouldn't it be better for this… Hero of the Wizarding World… to–?"
"Trust me", Dumbledore interrupted him gently, "I have my reasons. I shall explain everything later. When the time is right. Now, shall we discuss y o u r future?"
The door cracked open. Harry's head crowned by an entire stack of untidy black hair appeared. Snape got up lazily and walked to meet him.
The coin dropped with a jingle.
The pallid glow of its silver side had been swallowed by the dark wood of the table surface. The coin landed the brown side…
…up.
October 25, 2006