This is one of those "first-fanfic" type affairs, but all in all it's a decent work. Superviolist, also an ffnet writer, deserves co-author credit for this one. Author's notes...who needs em, eh? Just read the story.
Helter Skelter!
First there was nothing…..
THEN THERE WAS FANFIC! All of a sudden, a bizarre universe snapped into existence. For a moment, everyone who had just been created wondered why they were here, what was their purpose in life, and why hadn't the author created enough donut stands? Then, as more donut stands were created, they got on with the lives they were apparently meant to live.
But there were dark forces, created for conflict in the fanfic which would have otherwise been a very dull world. Unfortunately, they couldn't stop bickering with each other.
"Nephlyte! Would you please get done with your primping? I need to take a shower!" screamed Zoisite, banging on the bathroom door.
"4997, 4998…" Nephlyte counted strokes as he brushed his hair.
"Yeah! You've been in there for an hour!" Jadeite shouted.
"I'm almost done," Nephlyte yelled.
"Yeah, that's what you said ten minutes ago!" Zoisite yelled.
"Couldn't the all-powerful Negaverse have more than one bathroom?" Jadeite demanded. Where is Malachite, you ask? He's in front of the mirror back home, primping his cape and lovely green tresses.
"5000. All finished!" Nephlyte announced. "I would have been out sooner if you hadn't made me lose count."
"I should have slept in today," Jadeite muttered. For once, Zoisite agreed.
"Grrrrrreat! My turn!!" Zoisite cried, lunging for the bathroom at the same time as Jadeite. Like idiots, they collided.
"Hey! I claimed it first!" Zoisite screamed. "ZOI!!!!!" she yelled, blasting Jadeite into the wall and swiftly capturing the bathroom in the same movement. She locked the door before Jadeite could get in. To complete her trademark villainy, she added a devilish laugh just loud enough for Jadeite to hear.
"I hate that!" Jadeite complained. He hunched down in a corner, and was bored for a while. "Why does Queen Beryl get her own bathroom and expect all four of us to share one?"
Malachite tried to make a dramatic entrance to the room by swinging his cape around over his shoulder. Too bad the window was open. A breeze blew the cape in his face.
"My hair! My beautiful hair!" He gasped. He pulled a compact from his uniform and made sure his hair was still perfect.
"Do you have an ego problem or what?" Jadeite exclaimed. Malachite sneered in Jadeite's general (hahahaha what a pun) direction.
"You're just jealous because you don't have the great looks…the defined, masculine but delicate build …the glimmering silky hair!" Malachite argued. Jadeite laughed sarcastically. Suddenly, they both fell silent. There was a quiet voice coming from the bathroom.
"Fighting evil by moonlight, winning love by daylight . . ." Zoisite sang.
"Zoisite, dear, would you cut the singing? Please!?!?!?" Malachite begged.
"Hmmmph! I don't like you any more, Malachite!" Zoisite screamed. Malachite rolled his eyes.
"Here we go again . . ." he muttered. He decided to leave the room and deal with the matter later. Before he could do so, Zoisite burst out of the bathroom in a newly pressed uniform.
"Don't you think the rose will work this time . . ." her voice trailed off as Malachite handed her the old rose. "Oh, Malachite, you do care!" Malachite winked at Jadeite.
"My turn! Whoopee!" Jadeite bolted into the bathroom. Zoisite turned an interesting shade of green.
"Uh, Jadeite, I really hate to put you out after you waited too long, but I think I'm gonna—bleah!" Zoisite cried, but it was too late. She threw up all over the floor.
"Oh, Zoey!" Malachite ran to her side.
"I think I'll be all right, I'm just a little dizzy…" She began to spew again, and Malachite pulled away.
"I just had this uniform dry-cleaned," he said.
"What's wrong?" Jadeite called over the hiss of the shower.
"Zoisite's just a little sick, that's all."
"CAN YOU JUST SHUT UP AND GET ME A FRIGGIN TOWEL?!?!?" Zoisite shouted. Jadeite tossed a towel to Malachite, who tossed it to Zoisite. But the towel was toast, because Zoisite hurled again.
"Maybe you should rest, Zoey. I'll carry you back home," Malachite offered reluctantly. Zoisite was very happy with this.
Soon, Zoisite was resting at home with a bucket by her side. Malachite had made several unsuccessful attempts to take her temperature, but she barfed every time. He had given up.
"What would you like to drink?" he asked through gritted teeth.
"Avalon Natural Spring Water would be nice . . ." she said.
"But we have water . . ."
"Not Avalon . . ." Zoisite stuck out her lower lip and blinked repeatedly, looking like a sad puppy.
"Avalon it is . . ." he sighed. "I'll be back in a couple of minutes. If there's an emergency, get Nephlyte or something." Malachite attached his cape and left.
"Need any help?" a worker at the store asked.
"NO!!!" Malachite yelled, and blasted the worker to the floor. Normally, he wouldn't have done such a thing, but Zoisite and her constant demands had put him in a horrible mood. Well, she was sick . . .
He bought a case of Avalon. It was sickeningly over-priced, but for just this one occasion, it was all right. He bought it and was very eager to appease Zoisite. He should have known better . . .
"Did I say I wanted Avalon? I meant Evian!" Zoisite hit her head. This was a bad idea, though. It made her headache worse. Malachite thought for a second that he should blast her to nothing, but the thought quickly left his mind.
"But will you drink the Avalon? I paid 16 bucks for a case with four measly bottles!" Malachite complained.
"I gue—bleaaaaaah!" She threw up again.
"That's it. I'm calling the doctor." Malachite picked up the phone.
"Uh…cape boy, what doctor?" Zoisite coughed.
"Good question. I'll ask Nephlyte. He's always telling me the stars know everything. Oh, Neffy!"
"What?" he replied, sticking his head through the doorway.
"Can you tell us where to find a good doctor?"
"You might want to start at a hospital. It's a lot quicker than going door-to-door asking," Nephlyte said sagely.
"Quite funny. There are no hospitals in the Negaverse!" Malachite screamed, his temper getting the better of him again.
"Then go to Earth, dimwit!" Nephlyte groaned, shaking his head.
"You up to a teleport, Zoey?" asked Malachite.
"Just the thought of it makes me…" She leaned over the bucket again. "But I guess I'd better go."
"Okay, Zoey, then grab your bucket and we'll go."
Meanwhile on the streets of Tokyo, six teenagers rollerbladed down the street. Two cats were panting with the effort of keeping up with the girls.
"Look!" Lita cried. "It's Andrew!"
"Where? Whoa—YEEAAH!!" Serena twisted to look for him and fell. She immediately began bawling.
"Whoops! False alarm!" Lita said, putting her hand over her mouth.
"Serena! Are you all right?" asked Luna.
"Nooooo!" she wailed. "I—I think I broke my leg!"
"Really, Serena?" wondered Molly.
"C'mon, Serena, all you did was skin your knee," Raye said scornfully.
"I did not just skin my knee!" Serena snapped. "I need to get to a hospital right now!"
"Maybe…if you put one arm around Mina, and one around me, could we kind of roll you there?" the ever-intelligent Ami suggested.
"You can try," sobbed Serena. Mina and Ami lifted her up carefully, and began skating towards the hospital that had been created just for their purpose.
They ran into a couple just entering the hospital. "I'm thirsty again," said a voice that was vaguely familiar, though in an attempt to build up suspense none of the girls or cats could place it.
"That voice sounds familiar, but I just can't place it," the girls and cats said, except for Molly, who just said "Huh?"
"Something tells me I've seen those kids before," Malachite said.
"I wouldn't know," Zoisite said. All she was seeing was the inside of a bucket. When she looked up, she got dizzy and collapsed into Malachite's arms.
"Uh…may I help you?" asked a receptionist.
"Yeah. Zoisite is sick. Are there any doctors here?" asked Malachite. The receptionist looked at them over her wire-rimmed spectacles, wondering what to make of the situation.
"I, uh, assume you're first-time patients here?"
"Yeah. Can you help her?"
"I'll…uh…call one of the med. students. Here are some insurance forms for you to fill out." She handed Malachite a stack of papers that was about as thick as a phone book. "Next?"
"See that girl over there?" asked Raye. "She thinks she broke her leg skating. Now, I think—" Serena was growling from her seat.
The receptionist snapped her fingers. "Ronnie? Could you wheel that girl down to the emergency room?"
A guy who looked like a human version of Sweetums from the Muppet Show (Y'know, the big tall hairy thing?) bounded over. "Emergency room!" He lifted Serena onto a stretcher and started towards a big door with a flashing red sign that said "ER".
"Mina, could you call Darien for me and ask him to come down here?" Serena called from the stretcher.
"Okay, Serena!" Mina replied, happy to have her first speaking part. She picked up the pay phone, which someone had amazingly left their quarter in. She dialed Darien's number.
"Hi! This is Darien," Darien said.
"Hello Darien, it's Mina. You see, Serena hurt herself skating and we're all at the hospital, and she wants you to come down here."
"Is Serena hurt?!?! Must be bad! (Sound familiar?) I'm on my way!"
"Wait, Darien, it's not what you--" Mina sighed as she heard a dial tone.
Darien was already hopping from building to building, saying to himself, "Faster than a locomotive! Can leap tall buildings in a single bound! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's…TUXEDO MASK! Actually, Darien, but who's counting, eh?" He continued hopping until he reached the hospital. He threw open the doors. The girls rushed to meet him.
"Darien, I want to warn you, it's not---" Raye started.
"Where is Serena?" he demanded.
"Emergency room," the five girls sighed. Darien ran to the emergency room.
"Darien! You came!" Serena cried happily. She had a rather large Band-Aid ® on her left knee.
"Is your leg . . . scraped?!?!" Darien was confused (what else is new?). "You brought me here for a scraped knee?!?!"
"It really stings, Darien . . ." Serena pouted. "Would you kiss it and make it all better?" she pleaded. All the nurses and doctors snickered.
"I feel so stupid," Darien muttered to himself as he leaned over to give Serena a peck on the . . . er . . . knee.
"Thanks, Darienie-poo! I feel all better! Wanna go out for some burgers and shakes?" Serena asked.
"Sure," Darien agreed.
"I've finished the papers," Malachite said. He had gone through four pens filling out those, and Zoisite had barfed about 3 gallons' worth.
"All right . . . Zoisite? The doctor will see you now," a receptionist said. She gulped. She had never seen a doctor before. Sometimes, she had turned them into Negaverse monsters, but that was it.
"I'll be out here," Malachite said. He picked up the latest edition of People Weekly.
"Now Zoisite, I understand that you've been experiencing nausea, correct?" the nurse asked.
"Excuse me?" Zoisite asked, her eyes wide.
"Throwing up, headaches, dizziness?"
"Oh, then yeah!" Zoisite nodded eagerly.
"Well, I'm going to ask you to urinate in this cup and---"
"What? Right here? Right now? No way does the elegant and beautiful Zoisite pee in a cup!" Zoisite folded her arms indignantly.
"Well, there is the less preferred blood test," the nurse offered.
"What do you do there?" Zoisite asked nervously.
"We draw blood from your bloodstream with a syringe."
"Show me the bathroom, lady!" It took a long time to get Zoisite to pee in the cup, and for Zoisite's sake, I won't describe anything.
"Well, I'll just take this down to the lab, and in about half an hour, we should know what's going on. See the receptionist at the desk for your bill." The nurse waved, but Zoisite didn't leave.
"You mean I'm supposed to pay you? I'm the one who had to pee in a cup, remember?" She stood up to argue in the woman's face, but it was a bad choice. Zoisite grew quite queasy, barfed, and promptly laid back down. Malachite came in to keep her company.
"What's up, sweetling?" he asked.
"I'm scared, Malachite. What if I'm dying? What if I lose my powers? I just can't live without being able to Zoi!"
Malachite got a sweat drop. "That's nothing compared to what Queen Beryl will say when she sees that bill! I wonder if our Nega-insurance covers all of this?!?"
"Don't worry. We're on the MNP--Mega-Nega Plan."
All of a sudden, music began playing. It gradually got louder, and Malachite could discern someone singing "Here come the Men in Black." Then the door blasted open. Two men stood in the doorway.
"We're the men in black, here to protect the Earth from the scum of the Universe."
"There must be some mistake," Malachite said, standing up. "You see, we're not even from this universe. We're a part of the Negaverse. Therefore, you can't destroy us. In fact, I could even slap you with a lawsuit that would pay Zoisite's hospital bills." Hmm. That might not be such a bad idea...
The MIBs grew pale. "Uh, sorry to bother you..."
"I'll see you in court!" Malachite called after them.
"Oh, Darien, don't you just love this new flavor of ice cream?" Serena gushed.
"Darien likes anything, so long as it's Dairy-food!" Rini giggled. Serena groaned at the bad pun. They each had Darien by an arm, so not much ice cream was making it to Darien's mouth.
"Funny, most guys would be jealous of a guy who has two girls after him," Darien muttered. This daughter of his . . . had some problems. The red eyes, the pink hair . . . where did this come from?
He was tempted to say: "I get it, Serena, you've been cheating on me!!", but that was more like something she'd say to him. Why couldn't Rini have gotten his beautiful silky black hair, that's what he wanted to know. Even Serena's hair would have been better.
Serena deviously eyed Darien's ice cream. "Are you gonna finish that?" she asked. 'At this rate, no' he thought. He shook his head and she took it, finishing it in three huge bites. This made Rini insanely jealous.
"Darien's mine, stupid Serena!" she yelled. Darien set Rini down in front of him and tried to knock some sense into her.
"Rini . . . I--am--your--faaaaaather," he said. His allergies started acting up and he wheezed.
"Why couldn't you have been Serena's father?" Rini demanded. "I have to be eight years old, don't I? You just like Serena cause she's older! Well, Mr. Darien-Head, explain that!" Rini cried in her typical immature way.
"A few reasons . . . incest, cradle-robbing, bigamy. Such things aren't accepted in today's mature legal system . . . Plus, the dubbers would get really angry..." Darien went on and on. Serena and Rini got huge Sweatdrops and both fell asleep.
Some time later . . .
"So, as you can plainly see, it's just unconstitutional!" Darien finished. "Serena? Rini? Um . . ." He went over to where the two were sleeping and shook them both.
"Darien . . ." they both sighed in their sleep. He rolled his eyes. How was he ever going to get them up? He shook them some more, to no avail.
"Hey, I bet Raye could wake them up!" Darien thought. As if on command, Raye and Mina rounded the corner.
"Look, it's Darien!" Raye cried. "Hi!"
"Raye, could you wake them up . . . please?"
"Sure thing. SERENA!!!! RINI!!!! GET YOUR MEATBALL HEADED BUTTS UP!!!" she screamed.
"Wh-what? Was I sleeping? I'm so sorry, Darien. Raye, why'd you have to yell at me?" Serena mumbled. Serena was about to hug Darien's arm, but Rini beat her to it.
"Ha ha ha ha! I beat you!" she cried. Darien shrugged as Rini and Serena started screaming at each other as to who got Darien.
"Maybe you should have let them sleep," Mina suggested. Darien smiled nervously.
"Come on, girls. You two should be getting home now . . ." Darien said. Again, Serena attached herself to one arm, Rini, the other. Darien sighed and led them home.
"Well, Zoisite, your test results are in," the nurse said. Zoisite and Malachite were both very eager to find out what was up with Zoisite.
"Yes . . ." Zoisite said nervously.
"It seems that . . ."
What will come of Zoisite's medical condition? Will Rini ever realize that she's Darien's daughter? Will Serena and Raye ever resolve their differences? Is there really a man on the moon? Find out in the next exciting episode, Dude Looks Like a Lady!