Ello! Minion here! First I would like to say that I'm very proud and slightly troubled by this story! It's the first western Batman story I've seen on this website and I hope my mild drabble into the genre (first time writing a western too) will inspire other, better western writers to continue on in this genre.
Where did this madness come from? Well under the influence of coffee, near toxic sugar levels, and a Carrie Underwood song (Cowboy Casanova) I decided that Dr. Crane seemed pretty in tune with the lyrics except the 'womanizing' aspect. Enthralled by the idea of a Western Batman I've searched for fanart, fanfiction, anything and came up with a few results of fanart (on deviantart at least) but nothing like I wanted so I decided I would dabble into the genre I wouldn't have even poked with a 20 foot pole before. The result is less of a scene of a farmer (crane) leaning up against the record machine swindling everyone out of their minds with tantalizing blue eyes and more of a villain's saloon and an introduction to Batman with actual quotes from movies, comics, and games mixed in. Yet for the record Crane IS leaning against the record machine in this story (a referrence to the lyrics of Cowboy Casanova).
Also since EVERYTHING western is over my head I did tons of research over the four days I subjected myself to writing. I learned a lot and I hope you will too because my 'western' isn't the hollywood type but the real one with saloon girls whose dresses didn't go higher than their knees (and that was plenty scandalous) and the majority of men wore suits and bowler hats not chaps. I'd add links to pictures of this time period but Fanfiction doesn't allow that.
Now here's a key to the lingo:
DRINKS: Stone fence (rum and hard cider), Tom & Jerry (dark rum, cognac, and hot milk), Adam's Ale (water), firewater (hard liqour), Mint Julep (mint leaf, borboun, sugar, water)
SLANG: "all my eye" basically 'bullshit' like you don't believe something; "eagle" a ten dollar gold coin; "pokey" jail; "atwixt" between; "cats-paw" a phrase when you're being used by someone else; "biddy" uptight woman; "sodbuster" farmer; "trat" attractive woman; "See how the cat jumps" a prhase like 'do you understand how it works'; "hog-killin' time" a damn good time; "Get a run on 'im" is to make soemone the butt of the joke; "cad" a crook; "crawl your hump" is to start a fight so i guess it's like you're kicking his ass; "necktie social" is a hanging reffered to by vigilantes the joke is vigilantes would hang the outlaws but here Joker is threatening to hang the vigilante; "crowbar hotel" another term for jail used by crooks-and I think that's it!
Also I do not own in any way, shape, or form Batman with that in mind, enjoy!
The dusk sky could be glimpsed from the entryway of the saloon but the relevancy of the exact position of the moon was lost on the inhabitants within.
A whiff of desert blooms filled the air with the heady, sweet scent associated with the notorious happenings of The Iceberg.
The rustle of lace here, a hint of a garter there, a lipstick smirk—Oh traveller beware.
They were the sirens of sin, a trio of villainess each wicked in their own right.
One a sugary blonde with a cool gaze and a sharp tongue, known best for her sweet-n-sassy attitude. The next a blossom of desire, luring in men with a swish of her ochre hair and teasing throaty drawl. Lastly, as shady as the night this lady lurks within her domain prowling for whatever prey perks her curiosity.
On more than one occasion a brawl had broken among the men who flocked to them yet each night as bees to honey, they returned.
The clink of glass against the worn counter punctuated the degree of intoxication with the steady beat of a pocket-watch; a familiar record running its laps across the bridges and choruses filled the smoky air as the squat bartender, protruding nose and all, surveyed the lax scene through his monocle.
Seemingly in contradiction to the previous assumption, saloon doors opened revealing a cluster of men each boasting an array of wealth and colour.
The ringmaster of the show was the first to enter, the cut of his purple suit merely hinted as to his wealth while the provocative stare of his dangerous eyes hinted as to the method of procuring such wealth. Commanding the attention of the saloon with a grand gesture and his signature cackle, Joker pulled up a chair, "Eh Cobblepot, give me a stone fence."
"Puddin'!"
A dash of tulle, a smudge of rogue—Suddenly the smiling man's lap was occupied with a bundle of energetic affection better known as Harley, one of the Gotham Girls.
The display caused the remaining women to roll their eyes and continue their game of cards, sharp nails tapping a rhythm in tune with the music.
Flourishing a green cane to compliment the shade of his ivy suit, a smirking man strode to the bar with ease, his wild orange hair from under his bowler hat catching the dim light of the sparse chandlers.
The devilish eyes of the green man zeroed in on deformed hands curved around a glass, "Ah Penguin, my friend, forget ol' Joker o'er there and get me a Tom & Jerry!"
The bartender let out a nasally snarl, "Get off yerself Riddler, you gotta admit I play this stinkin' lounge like a harp from hell—Where'd you be without me?"
Finished with the original drink, Penguin began the next after sliding the first order down to the waiting clown whose hands were occupied with sharpening his shark knife around the curve of his lady's bodice.
However, the other two men who entered with the two flashy crooks took their respective posts one near a wooden beam and the other, the brim of his dirtied farmer's hat pulled low, against the record machine
"All my eye, Penguin you're just a crook out for an eagle or two," flipping a gold coin himself, the first man possessed dual qualities present in his mixed attire, a reflection of his partially scarred appearance.
Snorting the bartender shot back his retort, "Ha! An' I suppose you want a shot of Adam's Ale to celebrate your return from pokey? Or are you caught atwixt again?"
"Oh please," one of the Gotham Girls, a temptress by the name Ivy, drawled, "A man like that would guzzle all the firewater in your tap and it still wouldn't improve his judgement, eh Two Face?"
Angrily storming over to the table and incurring a hiss from Ivy's playmate, Selina, Two Face towered over the table, "You know half of me wants to strangle you..."
Raising herself up so as to perch herself atop the table provocatively, Ivy leaned close her green eyes sparkling, "And what does the other half want?"
Shoving her back he spit out, "To trample ya with a horse."
Green sequins glittered in the low lights as she leaned back, resting her elbows across the table, as though stretching while kicking up her leg atop his shoulder. The motion forced the leaf patterned fabric of her dress to hike up scandalously to her knee. Scratching his scarred ear with her sharp heel, Ivy leaned closer simultaneously revealing more and more of her gartered leg.
"It's been a long time, Harvey..."
Enticed by the vulgar display before him, Two Face found himself leaning closer as well, barely placing a warm hand atop her stockings before she swiftly kicked her raised leg to the left knocking his head harshly as she rose with a flourish and sashayed to the bar.
Looking over her shoulder at the cursing villain she continued, "You're still looking around halfway decent."
Directing her attention to Penguin she then ordered a Mint Julep and resigned herself to making conversation with a few rugged patrons as Two Face stewed in a chair across from Riddler's.
Huffing at the blatant regard for their card game, the last siren growled lowly in her throat yet a low voice caused her to perk up and curl her claw like nails around the chair's back.
"Afraid to be alone, Selina? Or perhaps you're frightened to be made a cats-paw of?"
"Cats-paw? Hardly..." swinging herself around in her seat indecently to view the rouged farmer, Selina narrowed her eyes, "I am Catwoman—Hear me roar."
A loud laugh drew their attention to a smug Riddler, "Come now don't be a biddy, that sodbuster is preying on a trat like you in an attempt to get his kicks from your fear—See how the cat jumps?"
Rolling her eyes she kicked back in her seat, her legs crossed over one another and propped up by the table giving the entire saloon a view of just how high she wore her garters.
As more than a few jaws dropped she purred sweetly, "You poor guys...Always confusing your pistols with your privates."
Suddenly the doors to the saloon opened once more this time admitting a new patron to the sequestered lounge.
The moment the dark stranger entered a tense silence pressed over the room, causing plop of the dripping tap and shriek of the slightly scratched record to give testimony to the wilted atmosphere in the saloon.
The dark figure wore dusty, dark clothes the cut suggesting a gentleman yet the wear seemed unique to a cowboy; his face was masked by the shadow of his hat's long brim.
A drunk laughter sounded as a few men in the back slapped the table in liquor induced cheer, "Get yerself in 'ere and we'll all have a hog-killin' time!"
The main clientele of the Iceberg shared knowing glances—This saloon was unlike any in town and although the man seemed to be a foreigner to the region he would soon become acquainted with its rules.
"Yes, Gotham City!" Joker stood forcing Harley to not so gracefully pick herself off from the floor with a 'hmph' as he crossed the distance between the two men, "Always brings a smile to my face—Joker here," he held out his hand for a greeting, "Put 'er there..."
Riddler snorted already predicting the usual course of such matters and resigned himself to finding the bottom of his drink. While the rest of the villain's followed suit, one Gotham Girl found herself transfixed on the newest mystery to stalk the night.
However, the stranger merely nodded in acknowledgement leaving Joker's hand waiting.
Joker's green eyes danced with a dark anticipation as his smile never faltered as he took his hand back and laughed, "Ain't that always the way? You get in the mood then company shows up."
Harley strutted up to the two and huffed, "How rude! Come on Puddin' get a run on 'im!"
"I'm about to..." Joker growled yet he was interrupted by the dark man's rough voice.
"Not so fast Joker...I come here bearing a warning to every cad here."
As if every patron was jerked by a puppet's string, over twenty eyes bored into the newcomer with hostility.
Without blinking the newly sharpened shark knife appeared in Joker's hand yet he wasn't the only one to draw a weapon—Even the saloon girl Selina stealthily withdrew a stiletto dagger from her boot, her eyes promising a rough tumble.
"The police in the town is about as rank as this rowdy-dow saloon—Just look around even the sheriff is fresh out of jail, half his judgements askew. The banker is serving up booze to every crooked man willing to pay. There's a farmer guilty of terrorizing his neighbors out of their land, a notorious thief as slick as a cat, and a handful of outlaw's too greasy to have ever been tried."
Joker's hands were toying with his knife as he spoke, "I see we've got a rat in 'ere who thinks he can fly above the real law in this city..."
Riddler spoke up, fingering the handle of his cane ready to burst into action, "Riddle me this, Riddle me that: who's afraid of the big, black bat?"
"Not me..." Selina purred, slinking up to the unknown vigilante so as to curl around his body provocatively, "You're catnip to a girl like me...Handsome, dazed—" attempting to hit him upside the head with the butt of her dagger, the dark man twisted her around forcefully before knocking the dagger out of her hand and letting her fall to the floor before slinking away hissing.
One of the lesser known patrons spit on the floor and stood, "You'd hurt a lady? Oh I'm about to crawl your hump..."
"Ah ah ah, the Bat's mine..." Joker made to lunge for him yet the dark man used defensive moves to bring the short scuffle to an end.
"I'm not here to take you in, not yet—I've come to warn you that a new law is coming into town."
Barely out of breath, Joker laughed, "A vigilante? Alright let's make this a necktie social..."
Unable to avoid a brush of fists, the newly dubbed 'Bat' found himself engaged with Joker like two rattlesnakes wrapping around one another attempting to bite.
Not likely to play fair, a few other patrons advanced as well but before they could clear the cluster of tables, Riddler lashed out with his cane catching two men unaware, "You're ruining his big party! Are you insane?"
Pushed back from a sharp knee to his middle, Joker gave a wheezing gasp of laughter, "You have nothing, nothing to threaten me with. Nothing to do with all your strength."
The dark vigilante who had miraculously kept his hat on his head, the brim pulled low, "The next time I see you, you're going to Arkham. You'll be in a stone cell forever."
The mention of the county's roughest crowbar hotel caused more than a few to spit and back away cursing—Rumor was, no one left Arkham and up until this point there was no one thick enough to threaten Gotham's elitist crime gang.
"Maybe we can share one!" he cackled catching his breath against a table.
Addressing the entire saloon, the dark vigilante began to back out towards the door, "Ladies, gentlemen, you've eaten well. You've eaten Gotham's wealth, its spirit...but your feast is nearly over. From this moment on, none of you are safe."
Under the flourish of his dark overcoat, the man left.
A slow dark chuckle grew to a chilling laugh as Joker addressed those within the saloon, particularly the higher ups in crime, "This city is under my control! That's right, boys and girls! Mine, mine, mine, mine!"
A malicious smile lit up his face as he thumbed the blunt edge of his shark knife, "Oh, the plans I have for this place. It's going to be glorious!
Selina, who had watched the spectacle from a darkened post, gazed at the saloon doors with playful desire, "I like the way that man operates..."
As those within The Iceberg collected their wits, the shrouded farmer who was leaning against the record machine asked the question everyone was thinking, "This man, this bat,is going to change everything...the entire city will be screaming in fear. I wonder if we'll be able to hear it?"