Disclaimer: The world of Harry Potter doesn't belong to us. We just like to throw the characters into incredibly unrealistic situations for our own amusement.
The Damnation
A PANTSnCHEESECAKE production!
A squirrel scampered slowly south, into a donut's mouth.
A tire rolled down a hill into a pond where it was promptly eaten by a guppy. (Damn you, guppies.) Inconsequently, while this was happening, a teenage Sybil Trelawney was making a prophecy. It was a damn good prophecy, she thought. Of course, most every prophecy that predicted the suffering and possible demise of a perfectly innocent citizen was good, especially if it involved burning hot coals and small bunnies that were liable to be scorched into oblivion. In fact, Sybil had once owned a pet rabbit. It had been a terribly overweight and useless piece of fur and flesh, but mostly fur. It's main hobby was sleeping, but occasionally it would strike up enough energy to move its great bunny mass to the kitchen to eat a carrot, and attempt to eat young Sybil's crystal ball.
Yes, Trelawny and her mother had always agreed that it was a rather intelligent rabbit when it wanted to be. And in her first year at Hogwarts, Sybil had come home to find her bunny missing. 'She was getting too crafty, dear,' her mother had told her gently. 'When they get too crafty, you've got to put 'em down.'
Little Sybil had known that her mother was right. It was not wise to add to the wizarding world's population of crafty rabbits. After all, a male and a female meant hundreds more, and if they had brains… Well, Sybil knew all about world domination. Still, thinking about the death of her furry friend left her in a teary state.
She sniffed.
Yes, killing innocent witches and wizards was one thing, but rabbits? Preposterous. She scratched that part of the prophecy out on the parchment in front of her.
Meanwhile, in another part of Hogwarts castle, Sirius Black was getting ready for his date with Disaster. (Damn you, Disaster.) Well, actually, besides being a terrible cliché, Disaster was a 7th year Gryffindor girl named Melanie. She was blonde and tall, with eyes that changed color with her mood and a knack for getting other people into trouble. Her interests included seduction, hunting, and sentinels, all of which she took on from her father, who was a squib and spent much of his time with muggles.
Melanie Disaster was waiting in the common room wearing a silky, see-through dress when poor, unsuspecting Sirius came down the stairs for his first date with her.
But SWEET MERLIN, SOMEONE WAS ALREADY WITH MELANIE and they were making out. Who could this imposter be!
"Damn you, Snape!" Sirius ran down the stairs to his date and pulled the intruder off of her.
"Ah!" screamed Disaster, when she realized she was making out with Hogwarts' most disgusting student. (Did we mention she wasn't too bright?)
Sirius was just about to punch Snape square in his deformed nose when a voice sounded from behind the couch.
"Relax, Padfoot, relax." It was James Potter. He was wearing hair gel and a flower on his tuxedo. He was smiling. Something was very wrong.
"Prongs," began Sirius, "what's Snape doing in our common room?"
"Hey," whined Snape (very un-Snape-ish-ly), face scrunching up in distaste. "What's wrong with…with…who am I supposed to be again?" Sirius' befuddlement must have shown on his face, because James snorted, took out his wand from his belt, and muttered some indistinguishable Latin under his breath. The pale, greasy face in front of Sirius' twisted oddly and reformed into that of Peter Pettigrew's.
The Snape imposter was Peter. Disaster screamed bloody murder and fell over dead. Or, at least, that's what the boys thought.
"Sirius, what are you doing?" she asked as she began to stand up and dust herself off.
"What am I doing!" spluttered Sirius. "You can't just go off making out with him!"
"'Him' asked me to make out with him, so I did. Him was just so nice about it… how could I say no?" Disaster smiled at Sirius, revealing her beautifully perfect teeth. "But now we have to go to the party that Snapeypoo has planned in his dorm."
Sirius just stared at Disaster for a few moments, trying to digest what he had just been told. "Wha-," he began, but really didn't know how to complete his thought. So, he simply closed his mouth (which had been hanging open in a very distasteful manner) and looked back and forth between the Snape and Disaster. "But," he started again, getting angrier and angrier as reality began to take hold, "but… but… 'Snapeypoo' is my friend Peter! AND THIS IS MY DORM!"
"Shut up!" yelled another student in the room.
All four Gryffindors turned to see who had brought on such unprecedented rudeness. The boy, or rather, young man, who sneered back at them had long blonde hair, and sharp gray eyes. His name was…
"Jason Isaacs?" asked James.
The monkey in the background farted.
The purple chicken on a hot farm in Texas scratched the ground and the farmer yelled at it to get off his property, and then stopped abruptly when he realized that the chicken was his property.
"How did Jason Isaacs get into Hogwarts?" asked James, in genuine curiosity.
No one had time to answer, though, because all at once, a dark elf descended from the clouds and lobbed a grenade at the chicken, which ate it and exploded. This spontaneous combustion caused a chain reaction, which made the farmer explode. In approximately sixteen minutes and 38 seconds, the elf, named Pricilla, was flying into the window Sirius had (stupidly) left open by the desk in the common room where he was currently standing.
"What the-"
But Sirius, in all the commotion, was never able to finish his sentence, for right at that very moment, Pricilla threw another grenade, this time at Jason Isaacs, and watched the pieces soil the tapestries.
"What the hell?" asked Sirius to no one in particular.
Disaster fainted- for real this time- and landed on Jason's dismembered foot. Sirius was almost positive he saw it twitch.
"Bloody hell," said Sirius. And he fainted, too, landing on Jason's big toe and middle finger.
There was a deathly stillness in which the pleasant sound of burning carpets was the only thing that could be heard. And then…
Pricilla decided to have a tea party with her fairy friends and then wreak havoc on poor, defenseless Hogwarts; poor, poor Hogwarts.
Hogwarts was upset that havoc was about to be wreaked on it, so it walked to Germany to eat German chocolate and wait for havoc to leave.
At about this moment, Sybil Trelawny – oblivious of her new location- decided that she was hungry. She took one last look at the prophecy on the desk in front of her, and stood to find that the landscape outside her dorm-room window was not as it should have been.
"I walls speak of rain," she said cryptically before walking to the kitchens for some chocolate.
"YAY," yelled Severus Snape in a particularly girlish manner. The lucky (greasy) little goose had realized a few moments prior, that Hogwarts castle had vanished mysteriously in the fifteen short minutes it had taken him to travel from his dorm room in the dungeons to Hogsmeade village in search of pickled toad legs and back. Now, the Slytherin's joy was not as much due to the fact that the castle itself had gone, but rather, that the annoying inhabitants inside it had gone, also. But since havoc could not be wreaked on Hogwarts (and it just had to be wreaked on something), Pricilla and her irresistibly evil fairy friends did the next best thing: they wreaked havoc on Snape and his slytherin buddies, Lucius Malfoy, and Naricissa and Bellatrix Black.
"DAMN YOU, PRICILLA!" shouted Snape, waving his fist menacingly in the air.
Unfortunately for him, this obvious display of rage did no good because, as it turned out, Bellatrix was a fairy too, and she didn't take kindly to this sort of discrimination to finer races. So, she blasted Snape's raging fist cleanly off the scrawny, pale arm to which it was attached.
"Crap," Snape muttered as his limb landed twenty some yards away. It uncurled itself and ran away whimpering, in search of a hole to hide in. In the first hole it entered, a mama badger bit its pinky off and chased it to another hole nearby.
"DAMN YOU, MAMA BADGER!"
Bella came over to Cissa and blasted her foot off so it fell twenty-one yards away and crawled up a tree.
"THAT WAS MY BEST FOOT!" screeched Narcissa. "I JUST GOT IT PETTICURED!"
"Did someone call my name?" asked Peter. He had suddenly gotten back from Germany and was angry that the many German chocolates he had tried weren't as good as everyone had claimed. Not that he would do anything about it, of course.
"I demand service! I will kick your arse! Get over 'ere!" Peter screamed. Bella cowered down and crawled on her hands and knees to her Master Peter.
"Holy crap," said Snape, completely forgetting the fact that he'd lost a hand.
Bella fell on the ground as Peter did what he said, and kicked her arse. Narcissa laughed shrilly.
And then there were three. Bella had died of pure shock. It was shocking. So was the lightning bolt that Zeus suddenly sent down to kill them all.
"THEM ALL," whispered Lucius mystically.
"Shut up," said Snape.
It began to rain.
FIN
AUTHOR'S NOTES!
CHEESECAKE: Our first post is pure and utter insanity that I tried to make intelligible. And it sort of is, I guess. I mean, we can follow it. XD