Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, if I did, Harry would not have been so weak.

Therapy, a Harry Potter One-Shot

"Come in"

Harry opened the door and reluctantly went in. He would rather not be here, but Ginny refused to let him in the house until he finished his appointment and Hermione forbid Ron from letting him stay with them. It was a bloody conspiracy!

"You need to get some help, Harry." Hermione had said, "The past week alone you've thrown two aurors out the window and three more to St. Mungos. You've become way too paranoid."

He isn't paranoid and unstable, he really isn't! It isn't paranoia if they're really out to get you. Besides, it was the aurors' own fault for sneaking up on him. And unstable? In your dreams! Hermione didn't need to book him an appointment with a muggle therapist, emphasis on the muggle. What was Hermione thinking?

"Hello Mr. Potter, how are you doing today?"

Really horrible, who's asking? The nametag read Doctor Morgan Johnson.

"Fine." The Boy-Turned-Man-Who-Lived replied. Why is the Wizarding world obsessed with hyphens anyway? They should be the ones seeing a therapist for obsessive compulsive disorder.

"Have a seat Mr. Potter." Dr. Johnson said and gestured at the chair in front of her.

Harry sat down and resisted the urge to bolt. There wasn't really anything that he could tell her without breaking the Statue of Secrecy anyway. But since he is already here, he might as well make the best of it.

"So tell me, where do your problems stem from."

"Well, I suppose it began when I first went to boarding school."

"How old were you at the time?"

"I was eleven. I lived with my aunt and uncle because my parents were murdered when I was young and I never knew them, so when I was offered the chance to go to the same boarding school they did, I jumped at the chance. Oh," Harry added, "it might also have had something to do with the fact that we were in a run-down shack on a deserted rock in the middle of a storm when my acceptance letter was delivered by a half-giant."

Dr. Johnson blinked, "A half-giant?"

"He was really tall." Harry clarified, never mind the fact that Hagrid actually is half giant.

"Why exactly do you think that your school is the root of your problem?"

"Well," Harry began, trying to think of how best to put it, "one of my teacher turned out to be a mass murderer with a multiple personality disorder, the same one that killed my parents. He actually only had two personality; one was the mass murderer, and the other was the murderer's evil minion. The evil minion just happened to be my DADA teacher."

"DADA?"

Harry brain worked to find an excuse. "Um, Dad Appreciation Day Association." At her disbelieving look, Harry added, "We really appreciate our dads."

Dr. Johnson still didn't quite believe him but let it slide. "Continue."

"Well, the mass murderer tried to kill me because he was angry I escaped him the first time, so he sabotaged my... hang glider during Quidditch. Quidditch is a sport we play at school." He explained.

"You have hang glider lessons?"

"Yup." Harry said, popping the p.

"Okay." She said slowly.

"The mass murderer, let just call him Moldy for now, was at my school, Pigwart, because there was a rock he wanted there."

"A rock." The woman deadpanned.

"Yes." Harry nodded with a serious look, "It was a very special rock. The rock, Phil , was very hard and it could be used to kill people, so Moldy wanted it." Aren't all rocks hard? Morgan thought. "The Headmaster, Bumblebee, borrowed the Phil from a friend of his, Ancient, and it was his most prized possession. So Bumblebee guarded it very well with a lot of traps."

"And what did these traps entail?" Dr. Johnson enquired.

Harry eyed her suspiciously for a moment, but decided she didn't mean any harm, "It was guarded by a very dangerous dog named Fluffy, a plant, a door with keys, a chess set, Moldy's evil minion's minion who were busy with being drunk, a riddle, and a mirror."

"Very dangerous." Morgan stated sarcastically.

Harry nodded sagely, "Yes, very much so."

Morgan's eyebrow twitched and she sighed; this is going to be one long afternoon.

"In second year, Moldy came back, but his multiple personality disorder was cured and he instead had amnesia so he didn't remember anything that happened after he was sixteen. Still tried to kill on principal though, because Older Moldy tried to kill me and failed."

How can a multiple personality disorder be gone just like that?And amnesia?

"Younger Moldy had this huge ass snake that had this venom that can send people into comas. A cat and couple muggleborns were attacked."

"Muggleborns?"

"Students whose parents didn't appreciate dads." Harry clarified. "Well anyway, I was able to put a stop to it using a sword, a bird, and a hat. Moldy's amnesia was cured and he escaped the school."

"In third year, a serial killer, Snuffles, escaped from prison and came to Pigwart. He was actually my godfather and innocent, and he and his dog Padfoot proved it to us. But my new DADA teacher, Remy, had a pet wolf named Moony and he went rabid and tried to kill us."

A pet wolf? Morgan's mind blanked.

"And then, the guards sent to school to search for Snuffles, Cloak and Dagger, tried to kill us as well." Harry sniffled and wailed, "What did we do to deserve such treatment?!"

Morgan awkwardly patted him on the back and handed him a tissue. Harry proceeded to blow his nose, loudly.

"In fourth year, we had this tournament between three schools to see who appreciate our dads better. There was three tasks we had to complete. We first had to get past a lizard, then we had a swimming competition, and lastly we had to navigate a maze."

"How does that have anything to do with appreciating your dad?"

"It's about how much we're willing to do for them." Harry explained. "Anyway, the DADA teacher of that year turned out to be another evil minion of Moldy's." Here Harry's voice grew angry. "He tricked us and then kidnapped another champion, Puff. He took us to a cemetery where Moldy killed Dig." Harry's hands twitched. Morgan took pity on him and handed him a stuffed bear.

"Thanks." Harry put his hands around the bear's neck and strangle him. "That rotting old-codger, good for nothing piss-ant, war-mongering big-baby, demented son of a whore. If he wasn't already dead, I'll cut him open and pull out his intestine to make them into soba noodles. Then I'll feed it to him and then castrate him with a rusty spoon..." Harry continued to rant angrily.

Five minutes later...

Morgan could only look on in open-mouthed horrification as her teddy bear was utterly decimated. She was glad that she didn't have lunch, otherwise she would have vomited it all out.

"Now," Harry put down the lump of stuffing no longer recognizable as a bear, "Where were we?"

"In fifth year, I was attacked by two of the Cloak and Daggers and managed to defeat them. But the police arrested me for attacking them. Luckily, I won my trial and was allowed to go back to Pigwart. But that year was horrible! The DADA teacher, Umbitch, was female and instead of Dad Appreciation, she taught us Mom Appreciation. So we started this club called Dad's Army, the DA. Her detentions were horrible and cruel. Child abuse, I tell you."

"What was it?" Morgan asked, alarmed.

"Lines!" Harry cried in a horrified tone of voice.

Lines? That's it? Isn't it standard punishment?

"In addition, Moldy sent me email and Bumblebee won't talk to me. The emails gave me nightmare and I couldn't sleep well the whole year."

Can't you just block the email?

"At the end of the year, he sent me a ransom note for Snuffles. I commanded a rescue operation to save him, but Snuffles wasn't actually there. Snuffles was on the operation to save us, but then," Harry sniffled and his eyes watered, "Snuffles died!"

What kind of teachers let students leave the school and command rescue operations?

"Waah!" The Gryffindor wailed and started banging his head on the wall. "It's all my fault! Bad Harry!"

Morgan hurriedly dragged him back down before he gave himself brain trauma.

"In my sixth year at Pigwart, our Chemistry teacher, Snivel, became our DADA teacher and another teacher, Slug, took his place. I suppose we did learn a lot that year, but me and Snivel had a relationship of mutual hatred, so that year was horrible as well." Harry took a moment to mourn Snape; he didn't like the man, but he didn't deserve to die and he made a lot of contributions to the Light. "But that year, a lot of student became Moldy junior evil minions. And at the end of the year, the Juniors let the senior evil minions into the school. Loads of people died, including Bumblebee."

Why are there so many death? And where on earth is this school? Shouldn't it have made the news by now?

"My girlfriend Red and I also broke up at the end of the year." Harry sighed.

So many people dead and that's what you think about?!

"In my seventh year, well," Harry paused, "we, that is my best friends Freckles and Bushy, didn't actually go to school. The whole year was just a giant camping trip."

WHAT?

"But so many things happened that year that I just don't know where to begin." Harry sighed, "I suppose that I should start with my pet owl..."

"I knew that I shouldn't have brought Whitey to the movie theatre with me." Harry brought his knees up to his chest and started rocking. "Then she wouldn't have died of fright."

Is that even possible? And don't movie theatres ban animals?

"We visited Snuffles' house and spoke with Meany. Then we raided the MoM."

"What is the MoM?

"Moms are Best."

"...That doesn't make sense."

"I know."

"I visited my parent's graves and childhood room and was attacked by a giant snake, again."

Where do all these snakes come from? Does Moldy have a snake-fetish?

"I almost drowned but Freckles rescued me..."

"We got captured and brought to some of Moldy's top minions, including Blondy, one of my classmates who became a Junior. But we were able to escape with the help of Socks."

"We robbed a bank but escaped using a helicopter..."

Isn't that illegal?

"The final battle was at Pigwart and we were able to win, but it cost us a lot of lives, including Remy and Moony."

I say good riddance for the wolf.

"Well, thank you so much for your time and I wish you a good day." Harry turned and almost skipped out the door. He did feel sort of better, maybe Hermione's right after all. He mentally went trough his schedule. Hmm, he is pretty busy as an Unspeakable, but he has a free time slot next week. Maybe he'll come visit Dr. Johnson again...

Morgan waited until she could no longer hear the footsteps of Mr. Potter to get up. She walked over to the phone and picked it up. After dialling, she waited a moment before the phone call went through.

"Hello, this is the Anderson Residence, how may I help you?"

"Lilith, it's me, Morgan. I was wondering if you know any good therapists?"

A pause. "Finally found a case that you can't handle?"

"No."

"Then why?"

"It's for myself." Morgan clarified.

So how was it? I don't actually know how therapy goes, having never gone trough it myself, but this is just for laughs anyway. And trying to mugglefy things was fun.

Please review!

Tsuki Hikaru