Castlevania in TV Land (Part 1)

Death: (Turning on television) All right. "Mysteries of Death" is about to start. I better go to the can before it does. Oh, uh, I forgot I was working on a new spell. Hmmm... well, I'll just leave it here with a note. Nobody will touch it. "Do not touch, signed Death." There we go.

(Death leaves. Vampire hunters, along with Slogra, Gaibon and Dracula, enter.)

Dracula: Yeah, go Packers.

Simon: I thought you were from Romania, not Wisconsin.

Dracula: Well, we don't have a football team, and I really like cheese. So, go Packers, yeah!

Gaibon: Who wants brownies? I just made 'em.

Trevor: Oh, you idiot! He's right there. Tackle him already!!!

Sonia: This game is so barbaric. Why are men always so interested with senseless violence?

Alucard: Then why are you watching it?

Sonia: I like to look at the players butts.

Gaibon: Hey Slogra, brownie?

Slogra: No thanks dude, I got the big sandwich.

Gaibon: Fine, I'll eat them myself. (Notices Death's note.) What's this? D...Do....Donut touch. Signed Death. Ohhh, this will go great on my brownies. He wont mind. (Opens Death's jar with glowing pink ball inside. The ball begins flying around the room, hitting everyone and sending them into the television.)

Minutes later...

Death: Who changed my channel? And what the hell happened to the jar? Can't you idiots read? Oh well. Hey what's this?

Dracula: (Inside TV) Yeah go Packers, go ooffffffff......

Packers: Look what you did old man, you made me miss the catch!

Dracula: The hell?

Death: Hahahahaha, they opened the jar, and it sucked them into the show. That's great.

Orlock: Hey Death, what's up?

Death: Sit down and watch a little TV.

Orlock: Is that the boss, being carried away on a stretcher?

Death: Yup.

Orlock: When did he get tickets?

Death: He didn't. They're stuck in the show.

Orlock: You serious? Cool. Let's see what else is on.

Audience: (Chanting) Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.

Jerry: Hi, I'm Jerry Springer. Today's topic; vampire hunters, modern day heroes or just looking for trouble. With me now is Alucard, vampire and vampire hunter. Tell me, why do see a need to fight your own kind?

Alucard: They're evil.

Jerry: So does this mean you're evil?

Alucard: No.

Jerry: But if your good, then hasn't it ever been a possibility that others that you've killed were good too?

Alucard: No, just me. The rest are all evil.

Jerry: Well, I don't seem to be getting anywhere. So let's hear from my next guest, Gaibon. Mr. Gaibon, why do you think the vampire hunters hunt you.

Gaibon: Well Jerry, it all started about ten years ago. I was driving along, minding my own business, when I had to pull onto the freeway. Unfortunately, I didn't see the Belmonts, who were all riding in their mini van. I guess I cut them off or something, because they followed me all the way back to the castle and beat the hell out of me. Then they went after everyone else.

Richter: That's not true you lying piece of @#%$.

Gaibon: Oh yeah, well #$#!@$# you and yo mamma too.

Richter: Why you?!? (They fight)

Orlock: Oh, this is great.

Death: Let's see what else is on.

Man: Hello, I'm the Crocodile Hunter. And today, were gonna take a look at a strange little crittah. I think it's the last of 'is kind. His body looks like that of a dinosaurs skeleton, but with no skin. In fact, the only organs he does have are his eyes. Then, to make matters worse, he has this huge four foot beak, like that of a bird. Lets take a look. (Goes up to Slogra, chained and drugged.)

Slogra: Wow, this is great.

Croc. Hunter: Now, I'm gonna stick my hand down 'is mouth, and see what I can see.

Slogra: What the hell? Hey, don't go ughhggggghhhhh.......

Croc. Hunter: Now I'll just (chomp) ahhhh!!! My arm, he bit off my arm. Crikey, that smarts. They told me this would happen some day, but I just wouldn't listen.

Death: Ugh, this is disgusting.

Orlock: This from a man with maggots inside his stomach.

Announcer: COPS is recorded live along side the men and women of law enforcement. All suspects are considered innocent until proven guilty in a court of law.

Cop1: Okay, we got a call about five minutes ago about a couple of suspicious looking characters loitering around. They're supposedly armed, so we're gonna have to proceed with a little caution here.

Cop2: There they are up ahead.

(Cops park car and get out, shining flashlights.)

John Morris: Is there a problem officer?

Cop2: Do you gentlemen have a permit for your...what is that, a whip? What are you, some sort of pervert or something?

John: Look, it's not like that at all.

(Cop1 tries to take Eric Lecarde's spear.)

Eric: Get the hell out of here!

Cop1: Easy fella, we don't wanna hurt anyone.

Eric: Hey, I don't have to explain myself to you or anybody.

Cop1: He sounds drunk. Give him a sobriety test.

Eric: Oh no, not that.

Cop2: Just come along quietly and...hey, he's running.

(Eric runs, but not very fast. Cop1 tackles him.)

Cop1: All right asshole, your going away for a long time.

(Click)

Rock: The Rock will lay the smack down on your roody poo candy ass!

Simon: Bring it, bitch! (Rips off shirt. Rock runs into ring. Simon throws holy water in Rock's face, blinding him, and tosses him through the announce table. As Simon does his victory dance, Stone Cold comes into the ring, stuns Simon, and pours beer on him.)

(Click)

Dude1: Wuzaaaaaaaappppppppp!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Dude2: Wuzaaaaaaaappppppppp!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Dude3: Wuzaaaaaaaappppppppp!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Slogra: Wuzaaaaaaaappppppppp!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

(Click)

Announcer: American Movie Classics now presents "Abbot and Costello Meet Dracula."

Costello: Gee, it sure is spooky in here, Abbot.

Dracula: (Noticing Costello) The hell are you doing in my house, fool?!?

Costello: Abbot! Abbot, help!

Abbot: What'sa madda?

Costello: I saw a vampire. He was gonna bite me.

Abbot: (Slaps Costello) Snap out of it. You're crazy. There's no such things as vampires.

Dracula: And just who in the hell am I supposed to be, Batman?

Abbot and Costello: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dracula: (Chasing the two) Now get the hell out of my house before I beat the shit out of you. Oh, and I don't like biting pork. Jeez, first the Belmonts, then my own son, now these two jokers. I need to start locking that door.

(Click)

(Sonia stands in a cartoon world.)

Cartoon Wolf: Ooooooh, baby. (Eyes bug out and tongue rolls on ground.)

Sonia: (Grabbing the wolf's neck) You do that again, and I will rip out that tongue of yours and staple it to your ass.

(Click)

Regis: Well, you don't have any lifelines left. Do you still want to go for it?

Contestant: Let's do it.

Regis: For one million dollars, Columbus had three ships, the Nina, the Pinta, and

A. The San Jose B. The Santa Claus C. The Santa Maria or D. The San Salvador

Contestant: Hmmm... This one's pretty tough. I'm all out of lifelines, right?

Regis: Correct.

Contestant: I think it's either A or D, but I'm not sure.

Trevor: Oh, for crying out loud, it's C, you idiot! You hear me, C. Trust me, I was alive when it happened. I was there. I would know.

(Click)

Man1: I found a dollar.

Man2: Big deal.

Man1: Big deal!?! Did you know that you can get all your long distance telephone calls for only a dollar, if you call 10-10-811?

Man2: All calls for a dollar? With no monthly fees? Woweeee!

Alucard: Who cares, you cheap bastards. Even in my time, a dollar isn't a lot of money.

Gaibon: What's a telephone?

(Click)

Al Gore: So this is why we must reduce spending costs, and at the same time, raise enough money to feed the hungry children of Guatemala.

Simon: Man, is this guy boring.

Eric: Wait a minute. That pale complexion, those evil looking eyes, he must be a vampire. Let's get him, Simon. (Charges Al Gore)

Simon: Wait, Eric, he's not a vampire. (Eric hit's Al Gore with his whip, ripping off his skin.)

Congressman: Oh no, Al Gore is a robot.

Al Gore: Must.....Destroy.......Humans........

Eric: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Well, that's it for this part. What will happen next? Will our crew make friends with Jerry Seinfeld, or maybe drop in on Mr. Rogers. You'll just have to stay tuned to find out.