Title: How not to be a Doctor
Rating: PG
Spoilers: None
Archive: Heliopolis, Gateworld, Fanfiction.net
Details: SG-1/Scrubs crossover. Humour
Summary: The SGC infirmary gets some new recruits from Sacred Heart Hospital. Elliot gets a crush on Jack and won't leave him alone, JD and Dr Cox fight for Sam's affections, Turk is convinced that he and Teal'c should be best buddies and the janitor takes an instant dislike to Daniel - Carla doesn't.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
You all know that Scrubs isn't mine, so don't even try to sue me for it.
~ How not to be a Doctor ~
Copyright (c) 2003 Ruth
**********
"Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to announce that we have five new infirmary recruits and one new janitor arriving today. I hope you will make them feel welcome."
Jack looked up from his folder.
"Five? Why the hell do we need five?"
"The more doctors the better, son."
"And as for this janitor, I mean, why?"
"We also need more janitors, son. There's a surprisingly large amount of chemical spills around the base and we need people to handle them."
"Yes, sir."
"Now, I want you all to report to the infirmary and meet the new staff before your latest mission. Janet will talk them through your pre-mission check-up."
SG-1 all groaned.
"Come on, people! Let's get to it!" Hammond ordered.
**********
"So...let me get this straight...they go and analyse deep-space radar telemetry?" JD asked Janet.
"Yes, they do."
"So, how come we have to do this? I mean - it's not like radars bite back, is it?"
"Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. Elliot - are you okay with this?"
"Yes ofcourseIambutcanIaskyousomethingquickly?"
"Elliot, calm down. I need to be able to understand you."
"SorryDoctorFraiser, but..."
Dr Cox sighed and strode over to her.
"Barbie, you're really gonna have to speak slower, ya see, these military types - I know it's hard to understand - they are actually thicker than you, so you need to slow down!"
"That's an assumption, Dr Cox, and one that you will find to be very wrong,"
Janet said. "Carla? Turk? Are you ready?"
"Yeah."
"This is the point where Todd would want me to show him some love...but he's not here."
"Ooh," said Dr Cox, "Good one, doctor - you keep those informative ideas comin'!"
"Right. SG-1 will be arriving any moment, so Elliot and JD - I want you to take Major Carter, Carla, I want you to take Daniel, Turk - you can see Teal'c and Dr Cox - you can see Colonel O'Neill."
"And...what are you going to do?" JD asked.
"I'm going to watch you. Here they come now."
JD goes into one of his dream states. He imagines himself as a tall, strong doctor with loads of muscles hauling the 'military types' in on a gurney and saving lives, earning himself a kiss from Janet. He abruptly snaps back to reality upon hearing footsteps.
"Uh...Dr Fraiser...I'm a surgeon - I don't normally deal with things like this," Turk said, fiddling with a stethoscope.
"I assure you, Turk, we will get you into surgery but there are no patients that need surgery at the moment. Besides, improving your bedside manner couldn't hurt, could it?"
"No, ma'am."
**********
Jack was walking down the corridor behind Daniel when Daniel suddenly slipped on a patch of wet floor, and fell flat on his butt.
"Ow!"
"Jeez, the janitors around here should start doing their damned job!" Jack grunted, hauling Daniel back up onto his feet.
"The janitor is doing his job around here," the janitor replied, holding his mop in front of him.
"You must be the new janitor. Ah, I'm Daniel, and this is Jack."
"Ah, the one who thinks I'm not doing my job," he said, looking cooly at Jack.
"I...well..."
"I'll be watching you, Jackie," he warned, before continuing down the corridor behind them.
"Well, he was weird," Daniel commented.
**********
SG-1 entered the infirmary and came face to face with their new doctors and nurses.
"Ohmygod!" Elliot shouted excitedly when she saw Sam, "You'reawoman!"
Sam looked at Jack in despair.
"Well, gee, Barbie, you're certainly following in Doctor Do-brains' footsteps - that was a good point!" Dr Cox said. "Alright, which one of you is Colonel O'Neill?"
Jack held up his hand. "Me, sir!" he said, in a mocking tone.
"Get yer butt over here," Dr Cox grunted. "Now, are you gonna be an itsy-bitsy baby girl and tell me to pull the curtain?"
"Ohmygod! You'remajorcarter? You'rewithme!"
"Oh, great," Sam smiled uneasily.
"And me!" JD piped up, accidentally treading on Turk's stethoscope which was on the floor for some obscure reason.
"Good luck, Carter!" Jack yelled, and then, "Ow! Watch where you're puttin' that, nursie!"
"Oh, my God, did you just call me Nursie? Listen, dude, or whatever you like to call yourself, I am a medical professional and I will not be spoken to like that - in any way - so I suggest you can it because ultimately, I am the one holding the needle."
"Hi," Carla smiled at Daniel. "You must be Daniel. I'm Carla."
"Hi," Daniel smiled nervously.
"It's okay - just a pre-mission check, nothing to worry about. Come with me."
"Ah, you might want to draw the curtain round, Carla, these boys seem to be a bit woosy about their private parts."
"Would you shut up?" Jack said. "For crying out loud, would you just get on with it?"
Carter sat down on the bed as Elliot fussed around her, and JD looked off into space.
"Ohmygodthisissoexciting!" Elliot smiled, wrapping the blood pressure cuff around Sam's elbow.
"Uh...it goes lower than that, I think..." JD said, smiling sheepishly at Sam, "Look, give me that."
He put the cuff in its correct place and took her blood pressure. Elliot was still talking excitedly.
"Itmustbesocoolinthemilitary - withallthecuteguys!"
"It's..uh...it's very hard, actually," she said, wincing as Elliot tested her reflexes, slamming the hammer down on her knee.
"Why are you doing that?" Janet asked, sensing her friend's distress.
"I'mjustcheckingherreflexes, DrFraiser."
JD sighed and rolled his eyes. "That's you done, Major."
He went into another dream state. Sam rose up from the bed and came towards him, taking his head in her hands and kissing him.
"Thank you, doctor," she purred. JD smiled, and snapped out of his dream.
"Uh...thank you doctor..." Sam repeated, "Could you...um...get out of the way?"
"Oh, sure!" he laughed, "Sorry!!"
Sam went over to the area where Jack was still being tortured by Dr Cox.
"Carter!" he yelled.
"Sir? Are you okay in there?"
Dr Cox sighed and pushed back the curtain. "Relax, he's just being a little whiney about me sticking a needle in his - hello, ma'am, I didn't think they made them so pretty in the armed forces."
Sam sighed in annoyance and walked away, Dr Cox staring after her.
"Give up," Jack said, "That was the most pathetic chat-up line I have ever heard."
"Oh yeah? And what would yours be? Uh...miss....could ya come and take a look at my rocket?"
Teal'c raised his eyebrow as Turk finished the examination.
"Can I just say, it's so cool to meet another dude like myself," he smiled, "It's been a pleasure, T!"
"My name is Teal'c, and I am not like you," he replied, getting up and walking out of the infirmary.
"That's you all done," Carla smiled, pulling back the curtain and watching Daniel go. Turk eyed her suspiciously.
"He was c-ute," Carla smiled, "But not as cute as you, baby."
"I'm now really quite sure that you're doing this to piss me off," Jack said.
"Go on, get outta here grandpa," Dr Cox said, pulling back the curtain.
"Grandpa?" Jack squeaked.
**********
SG-1 stepped through the gate and sighed in relief.
"What did you think of them?" Daniel asked. "Carla was nice."
"Elliot was...." Carter shuddered..."Enthusiastic."
"Dr Cox was just plain evil," Jack said. Sam grinned.
"You're just annoyed because he can out-sarcasm you."
"He cannot! Nobody can out-sarcasm Jack O'Neill!"
"Dr Turk was also a little too enthusiastic. I do not believe that they have been briefed regarding the Stargate."
"Oh, hell. Well, let's try our damndest not to get injured."
**********
"Well, Colonel O'Neill was quite possibly the oldest man I have ever seen - including my own father, I might add."
"Aw, I thoughthewaskindacute!" Elliot giggled.
"Nah. Daniel, maybe." Carla interjected.
"Well, I'm sorry to interrupt your important conversation, but shouldn't we be talking about their medical histories, rather than their distinguishing features?" JD asked.
Dr Cox snorted. "Come on, Newbie, you were all over Major Carter!" he laughed.
"Well, hello, ma'am, I didn't think they made them so pretty in the armed forces." JD said, imitating Dr Cox's voice.
Dr Cox glared at him.
"Newbie, you have no idea how to charm women. I bet you Major Carter would go out with me before she went out with you."
JD shook his head. "She wants me."
**********
"FALL BACK!" Jack yelled, blasting at the encroaching jaffa with all of his might.
"Dammit, Jack! We're surround - AAGH!"
"Daniel!"
"Daniel's taken a hit, sir - AGH!"
"Sam!"
"Major Carter has taken a hit, O'Neill."
"AGH!"
"You have taken a hit, O'Neill."
"Teal'c, I know that."
**********
"Unscheduled offworld activation!"
"Who is it?" General Hammond asked.
"It's SG-1, sir."
"Open the iris!" he ordered.
Teal'c walked through the gate carrying Jack, and Sam with her arm around Daniel.
"Medical team to the gateroom!" he ordered.
"No!" Daniel moaned.
Janet appeared in the gateroom with her non-crazy staff to escort them up to the infirmary.
"Please..." Sam begged, holding onto her injured side, "Don't let Elliot near me."
**********
"Turk!" Janet yelled, "Scrub in NOW!"
"Y..yes ma'am!" Turk said, turning round and quickly running into the door.
"Dr Cox, you take Major Carter. She's taken a major hit to her left side, bleeding profusely. JD! You take Daniel - he's taken a hit to his arm, needs cleaning up and possibly stitches. Carla - you see to Jack - he's taken a minor hit just above his knee, needs cleaning up and stitching. Elliot - you make sure that Teal'c is okay!"
Teal'c gave Janet a withering look.
**********
Dr Cox examined the wound on Sam's side.
"You're gonna need surgery," he said.
"Oh, jeez..." Sam moaned.
"I know," he said, "Trust me, I'd be saying the same if I knew that Turk would be operating on me. Good luck."
**********
"Where's she going?" Jack asked, shifting in the bed as he saw Carter being wheeled out of the room.
"Probably to surgery, Jack, I want you to relax."
"But..but..Carter!" he shouted, "Dammit, I want to see her."
"Jack! Stay still, or I will get one of my needles!" Janet ordered, coming over to him. "I'm going in with her - she'll be fine."
**********
"Hi!" Turk squealed, putting the mask over Sam's face, "You're my new patient! Nothing to worry about, I know exactly what I'm doing!"
Sam watched him pick up an instrument off of the steel tray and looked at it suspiciously.
"Dr Turk..." whispered one of the nurses, "That's a fork."
"Oh, shit!" Sam moaned, falling unconscious before she could do anything else.
**********
"Daniel, you're gonna be fine," JD said confidently, walking away, tripping over his stethoscope which, again, was on the floor, and falling flat on his face.
Daniel rolled his eyes and called over to Teal'c.
"Teal'c! You okay?"
"I am in need of assistance, Daniel Jackson!" he shouted, as Elliot began to examine his tattoo.
"Ohmygod! Thatissocool!"
"Dr Reed, could you please get off of my leg," Teal'c said.
"Wheredidyougetitfrom?" she asked, touching it. "OHMYGOD!
Isthatgold?Isthatreallygold?"
"Doctor Fraiser!" Teal'c yelled.
**********
"Sam? Sam, can you hear me?" Janet asked, looking down at her friend.
"Hey," she said, trying to move but failing.
"You're fine - Dr Turk did a brilliant job."
At that moment, Turk walked into the room.
"Hey! Uh...has anyone seen my car keys?"
**********
"I wanna see Sam now!" Jack said.
"Well, grandpa, you're gonna have to stop pissing around, you can't see her because she's just come out of surgery."
"STOP CALLING ME GRANDPA!"
"Well, if you insist, but a far worse fate awaits you."
Dr Elliot Reed came bounding up to him.
"Hi Jack!" she smiled.
"Hey, Elliot."
"CanIjustsaythatIthinktyou'rereallycute!"
"Well...uh...thank you," said Jack, holding back a wince of disgust as she leant forwards over him.
"We could...get together after work.."
"Barbie!" Dr Cox warned, "Careful! You'll take his eye out!"
**********
Teal'c got up and went to his quarters for some peace. He was beginning his kelno'reem when there was a knock on the door and Turk bounded in.
"Hey dude! Just thought I'd come and see how my pal was getting on!"
Turk cast a look around the room and smiled as he saw all the candles.
"Dude, are you doin' voodoo or something?"
"I am not," Teal'c glowered, giving Turk his best 'leave me alone' look. It didn't work.
"Oh - you're meditating! That is waaay cool!" Turk grinned, sitting down in a place where he really shouldn't have.
Teal'c sighed, deeply.
"Doctor Turk, your rear end is igniting."
"Wha - AAAGGGHHH! MY BUTT'S ON FIRE!"
**********
Daniel decided to get up for a walk. He passed Sergeant Siler's office and smiled, taking another step - straight onto a banana skin.
"Ow!" he said, rubbing his back, "Damned Janitor."
The janitor appeared.
"I do my job all day, and scum like you come along and drop litter. I'm ashamed."
"But I..." Daniel protested.
"I don't want to hear it!" the janitor said, picking up the banana skin and putting it on his head. "There - now you have a hat."
He walked away, deliberately sliding his mop over Daniel's shoe so that he fell over again the minute he tried to stand up.
**********
Sam woke up again to see Jack sitting beside her.
"Colonel. Oh, thank goodness you're not Elliot."
"You don't have to worry - she's off with Janet at the moment."
"Then I have to worry for Janet?"
"Uh huh. Look...uh...Elliot wants to go out with me."
Sam made a choking noise.
"You do what you want, sir."
Jack paled. "For the love of god, Carter! I don't want to go out with her! I just can't find a way to tell her!"
At that point, JD and Doctor Cox burst into the room. They tried to go through the door at the same time, which didn't work, and JD ended up with his face pressed into the doorframe as Dr Cox shoved past him.
"Hello, Major Carter," he looked at Jack, "Could ya give us a few minutes?"
Jack stood up and momentarily glared at him, walking out of the room just as JD managed to get his nose back into the right shape.
"How are you feeling?" Dr Cox asked, sitting down on the edge of the bed, "Can I get you anything?"
"No, I'm fine thankyou," she said.
"Can I take you to dinner?" JD asked from the doorway.
Sam was taken aback. "Well..."
"Or, you could go with me," Dr Cox said, glaring at JD.
"Oh, you don't wanna go out with him!" JD smiled, "He's just old and sarcastic and..." his voice trailed off as he saw the expression on Dr Cox's face.
"And Dorothy here is still a virgin to the dating scene," he replied, "So ya might not have a very good night of it."
"I thought it was just dinner," Sam smiled.
"Ooh, she wants me," JD smiled, going into another of his dreams.
He sat in a restaurant with Sam, laughing and joking. She leant over the table and kissed him, whilst the janitor walked past, wiping the floor with Dr Cox.
He snapped out of the dream when he saw Sam looking at him in confusion.
"I'll be going, then," he said, "The offer's still on, though."
He walked backwards out of the door, tripping over a can and falling onto his butt again.
"You really don't wanna go out with him," Dr Cox explained.
**********
Teal'c fetched a bucket of water and got Turk to sit in it for a few moments.
"Aaaahhhhh....dude, you are now even more my best friend - you saved my life!" he grinned.
Teal'c covered his face with his hand and bit back the urge to scream.
**********
Jack was in his office when there was a knock on the door.
"Yeah?" he asked.
"Hi, Jack!"
Elliot walked in, clad only in her underwear.
"Uh...Elliot...where are your clothes?"
"I don't know, and I don't care, Jack."
Jack began to back away as she came closer to him. There was another knock on the door, and Siler entered.
"Colonel - I...Oh! Sorry, Colonel, I didn't realise that you were busy."
"No!" Jack shouted in desperation, "Siler!"
"Come on, Jack," Elliot grinned, "You know you want me!"
"Nnnnnooooo!"
**********
"I'd love to go to dinner with you," Sam smiled, as Dr Cox inflated with pride to about three times his size.
"Thank you," he said.
**********
"I'd love to go to dinner with you," Sam smiled, as JD inflated with pride to about three times his size.
"T..thank you," he said.
Sam just smiled to herself. Sure, dinner was going to consist of an infirmary meal, but she would have the added entertainment of Dr Cox and JD's arguing.
**********
Jack ran out of his office in terror, looking for somewhere to hide. His shirt was ripped and hanging off of him, his hair was tousled and there was a lipstick smudge on his cheek.
"Jack!" Elliot called, running down the corridor after him.
"She won't be able to get me in here," Jack said, running into the men's toilets and locking the door of one of the cubicles.
**********
Later that evening, Dr Cox and JD both made their way to Sam's room, totally unsuspecting.
Janet was talking to Sam.
"You didn't! Sam, you're wicked!"
"What's on the romantic menu tonight?" Sam asked.
"Macaroni cheese and blue jello."
"Sweet. That should sure get a romantic atmosphere going."
**********
Teal'c picked Turk up by his leg and practically threw him out of the room.
"Seeya later, buddy!" said Turk, from outside the door.
Teal'c clasped his face with his hands and tried to calm himself down.
**********
Daniel was limping back to his lab when he saw Carla.
"Hey, Daniel, are you alright?" she asked.
"Yeah, I just had a run-in with the janitor," he said sheepishly.
"Oh, ignore him!" Carla smiled, "He just needs somebody to hurt. He does it to Bambi all of the time."
"Uh..bambi?" Daniel asked.
"It's my nickname for JD. He hates it."
**********
"What the hell are you doing here?" Dr Cox shouted.
"What the hell are you doing here?" JD shouted in reply.
**********
"Jack, I know you're in there - you're just gonna have to come out, I know you can't resist me for much longer," Elliot purred.
Jack began to cry.
**********
"Well, thank you, gentlemen," Sam smiled, "I really enjoyed myself."
"Yeah..." said JD, glaring at Dr Cox.
"Yeah..." said Dr Cox, glaring at JD.
"I hope I can see the two of you again, sometime," Sam smiled.
**********
Jack stayed in the toilet all night. Daniel stayed in his lab all night. Sam was in the infirmary all night, and Teal'c was in a state of kelno'reem all night.
When they woke up, however, they all found themselves in the infirmary.
"It's okay," Janet soothed, "They're gone. They were only here for a day."
"What a relief," Sam smiled.
"However - they will be coming back for another day in the next few months," Janet said carefully.
"NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
**********
THE END
Please R&R! I crave feedback!
Rating: PG
Spoilers: None
Archive: Heliopolis, Gateworld, Fanfiction.net
Details: SG-1/Scrubs crossover. Humour
Summary: The SGC infirmary gets some new recruits from Sacred Heart Hospital. Elliot gets a crush on Jack and won't leave him alone, JD and Dr Cox fight for Sam's affections, Turk is convinced that he and Teal'c should be best buddies and the janitor takes an instant dislike to Daniel - Carla doesn't.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
You all know that Scrubs isn't mine, so don't even try to sue me for it.
~ How not to be a Doctor ~
Copyright (c) 2003 Ruth
**********
"Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to announce that we have five new infirmary recruits and one new janitor arriving today. I hope you will make them feel welcome."
Jack looked up from his folder.
"Five? Why the hell do we need five?"
"The more doctors the better, son."
"And as for this janitor, I mean, why?"
"We also need more janitors, son. There's a surprisingly large amount of chemical spills around the base and we need people to handle them."
"Yes, sir."
"Now, I want you all to report to the infirmary and meet the new staff before your latest mission. Janet will talk them through your pre-mission check-up."
SG-1 all groaned.
"Come on, people! Let's get to it!" Hammond ordered.
**********
"So...let me get this straight...they go and analyse deep-space radar telemetry?" JD asked Janet.
"Yes, they do."
"So, how come we have to do this? I mean - it's not like radars bite back, is it?"
"Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. Elliot - are you okay with this?"
"Yes ofcourseIambutcanIaskyousomethingquickly?"
"Elliot, calm down. I need to be able to understand you."
"SorryDoctorFraiser, but..."
Dr Cox sighed and strode over to her.
"Barbie, you're really gonna have to speak slower, ya see, these military types - I know it's hard to understand - they are actually thicker than you, so you need to slow down!"
"That's an assumption, Dr Cox, and one that you will find to be very wrong,"
Janet said. "Carla? Turk? Are you ready?"
"Yeah."
"This is the point where Todd would want me to show him some love...but he's not here."
"Ooh," said Dr Cox, "Good one, doctor - you keep those informative ideas comin'!"
"Right. SG-1 will be arriving any moment, so Elliot and JD - I want you to take Major Carter, Carla, I want you to take Daniel, Turk - you can see Teal'c and Dr Cox - you can see Colonel O'Neill."
"And...what are you going to do?" JD asked.
"I'm going to watch you. Here they come now."
JD goes into one of his dream states. He imagines himself as a tall, strong doctor with loads of muscles hauling the 'military types' in on a gurney and saving lives, earning himself a kiss from Janet. He abruptly snaps back to reality upon hearing footsteps.
"Uh...Dr Fraiser...I'm a surgeon - I don't normally deal with things like this," Turk said, fiddling with a stethoscope.
"I assure you, Turk, we will get you into surgery but there are no patients that need surgery at the moment. Besides, improving your bedside manner couldn't hurt, could it?"
"No, ma'am."
**********
Jack was walking down the corridor behind Daniel when Daniel suddenly slipped on a patch of wet floor, and fell flat on his butt.
"Ow!"
"Jeez, the janitors around here should start doing their damned job!" Jack grunted, hauling Daniel back up onto his feet.
"The janitor is doing his job around here," the janitor replied, holding his mop in front of him.
"You must be the new janitor. Ah, I'm Daniel, and this is Jack."
"Ah, the one who thinks I'm not doing my job," he said, looking cooly at Jack.
"I...well..."
"I'll be watching you, Jackie," he warned, before continuing down the corridor behind them.
"Well, he was weird," Daniel commented.
**********
SG-1 entered the infirmary and came face to face with their new doctors and nurses.
"Ohmygod!" Elliot shouted excitedly when she saw Sam, "You'reawoman!"
Sam looked at Jack in despair.
"Well, gee, Barbie, you're certainly following in Doctor Do-brains' footsteps - that was a good point!" Dr Cox said. "Alright, which one of you is Colonel O'Neill?"
Jack held up his hand. "Me, sir!" he said, in a mocking tone.
"Get yer butt over here," Dr Cox grunted. "Now, are you gonna be an itsy-bitsy baby girl and tell me to pull the curtain?"
"Ohmygod! You'remajorcarter? You'rewithme!"
"Oh, great," Sam smiled uneasily.
"And me!" JD piped up, accidentally treading on Turk's stethoscope which was on the floor for some obscure reason.
"Good luck, Carter!" Jack yelled, and then, "Ow! Watch where you're puttin' that, nursie!"
"Oh, my God, did you just call me Nursie? Listen, dude, or whatever you like to call yourself, I am a medical professional and I will not be spoken to like that - in any way - so I suggest you can it because ultimately, I am the one holding the needle."
"Hi," Carla smiled at Daniel. "You must be Daniel. I'm Carla."
"Hi," Daniel smiled nervously.
"It's okay - just a pre-mission check, nothing to worry about. Come with me."
"Ah, you might want to draw the curtain round, Carla, these boys seem to be a bit woosy about their private parts."
"Would you shut up?" Jack said. "For crying out loud, would you just get on with it?"
Carter sat down on the bed as Elliot fussed around her, and JD looked off into space.
"Ohmygodthisissoexciting!" Elliot smiled, wrapping the blood pressure cuff around Sam's elbow.
"Uh...it goes lower than that, I think..." JD said, smiling sheepishly at Sam, "Look, give me that."
He put the cuff in its correct place and took her blood pressure. Elliot was still talking excitedly.
"Itmustbesocoolinthemilitary - withallthecuteguys!"
"It's..uh...it's very hard, actually," she said, wincing as Elliot tested her reflexes, slamming the hammer down on her knee.
"Why are you doing that?" Janet asked, sensing her friend's distress.
"I'mjustcheckingherreflexes, DrFraiser."
JD sighed and rolled his eyes. "That's you done, Major."
He went into another dream state. Sam rose up from the bed and came towards him, taking his head in her hands and kissing him.
"Thank you, doctor," she purred. JD smiled, and snapped out of his dream.
"Uh...thank you doctor..." Sam repeated, "Could you...um...get out of the way?"
"Oh, sure!" he laughed, "Sorry!!"
Sam went over to the area where Jack was still being tortured by Dr Cox.
"Carter!" he yelled.
"Sir? Are you okay in there?"
Dr Cox sighed and pushed back the curtain. "Relax, he's just being a little whiney about me sticking a needle in his - hello, ma'am, I didn't think they made them so pretty in the armed forces."
Sam sighed in annoyance and walked away, Dr Cox staring after her.
"Give up," Jack said, "That was the most pathetic chat-up line I have ever heard."
"Oh yeah? And what would yours be? Uh...miss....could ya come and take a look at my rocket?"
Teal'c raised his eyebrow as Turk finished the examination.
"Can I just say, it's so cool to meet another dude like myself," he smiled, "It's been a pleasure, T!"
"My name is Teal'c, and I am not like you," he replied, getting up and walking out of the infirmary.
"That's you all done," Carla smiled, pulling back the curtain and watching Daniel go. Turk eyed her suspiciously.
"He was c-ute," Carla smiled, "But not as cute as you, baby."
"I'm now really quite sure that you're doing this to piss me off," Jack said.
"Go on, get outta here grandpa," Dr Cox said, pulling back the curtain.
"Grandpa?" Jack squeaked.
**********
SG-1 stepped through the gate and sighed in relief.
"What did you think of them?" Daniel asked. "Carla was nice."
"Elliot was...." Carter shuddered..."Enthusiastic."
"Dr Cox was just plain evil," Jack said. Sam grinned.
"You're just annoyed because he can out-sarcasm you."
"He cannot! Nobody can out-sarcasm Jack O'Neill!"
"Dr Turk was also a little too enthusiastic. I do not believe that they have been briefed regarding the Stargate."
"Oh, hell. Well, let's try our damndest not to get injured."
**********
"Well, Colonel O'Neill was quite possibly the oldest man I have ever seen - including my own father, I might add."
"Aw, I thoughthewaskindacute!" Elliot giggled.
"Nah. Daniel, maybe." Carla interjected.
"Well, I'm sorry to interrupt your important conversation, but shouldn't we be talking about their medical histories, rather than their distinguishing features?" JD asked.
Dr Cox snorted. "Come on, Newbie, you were all over Major Carter!" he laughed.
"Well, hello, ma'am, I didn't think they made them so pretty in the armed forces." JD said, imitating Dr Cox's voice.
Dr Cox glared at him.
"Newbie, you have no idea how to charm women. I bet you Major Carter would go out with me before she went out with you."
JD shook his head. "She wants me."
**********
"FALL BACK!" Jack yelled, blasting at the encroaching jaffa with all of his might.
"Dammit, Jack! We're surround - AAGH!"
"Daniel!"
"Daniel's taken a hit, sir - AGH!"
"Sam!"
"Major Carter has taken a hit, O'Neill."
"AGH!"
"You have taken a hit, O'Neill."
"Teal'c, I know that."
**********
"Unscheduled offworld activation!"
"Who is it?" General Hammond asked.
"It's SG-1, sir."
"Open the iris!" he ordered.
Teal'c walked through the gate carrying Jack, and Sam with her arm around Daniel.
"Medical team to the gateroom!" he ordered.
"No!" Daniel moaned.
Janet appeared in the gateroom with her non-crazy staff to escort them up to the infirmary.
"Please..." Sam begged, holding onto her injured side, "Don't let Elliot near me."
**********
"Turk!" Janet yelled, "Scrub in NOW!"
"Y..yes ma'am!" Turk said, turning round and quickly running into the door.
"Dr Cox, you take Major Carter. She's taken a major hit to her left side, bleeding profusely. JD! You take Daniel - he's taken a hit to his arm, needs cleaning up and possibly stitches. Carla - you see to Jack - he's taken a minor hit just above his knee, needs cleaning up and stitching. Elliot - you make sure that Teal'c is okay!"
Teal'c gave Janet a withering look.
**********
Dr Cox examined the wound on Sam's side.
"You're gonna need surgery," he said.
"Oh, jeez..." Sam moaned.
"I know," he said, "Trust me, I'd be saying the same if I knew that Turk would be operating on me. Good luck."
**********
"Where's she going?" Jack asked, shifting in the bed as he saw Carter being wheeled out of the room.
"Probably to surgery, Jack, I want you to relax."
"But..but..Carter!" he shouted, "Dammit, I want to see her."
"Jack! Stay still, or I will get one of my needles!" Janet ordered, coming over to him. "I'm going in with her - she'll be fine."
**********
"Hi!" Turk squealed, putting the mask over Sam's face, "You're my new patient! Nothing to worry about, I know exactly what I'm doing!"
Sam watched him pick up an instrument off of the steel tray and looked at it suspiciously.
"Dr Turk..." whispered one of the nurses, "That's a fork."
"Oh, shit!" Sam moaned, falling unconscious before she could do anything else.
**********
"Daniel, you're gonna be fine," JD said confidently, walking away, tripping over his stethoscope which, again, was on the floor, and falling flat on his face.
Daniel rolled his eyes and called over to Teal'c.
"Teal'c! You okay?"
"I am in need of assistance, Daniel Jackson!" he shouted, as Elliot began to examine his tattoo.
"Ohmygod! Thatissocool!"
"Dr Reed, could you please get off of my leg," Teal'c said.
"Wheredidyougetitfrom?" she asked, touching it. "OHMYGOD!
Isthatgold?Isthatreallygold?"
"Doctor Fraiser!" Teal'c yelled.
**********
"Sam? Sam, can you hear me?" Janet asked, looking down at her friend.
"Hey," she said, trying to move but failing.
"You're fine - Dr Turk did a brilliant job."
At that moment, Turk walked into the room.
"Hey! Uh...has anyone seen my car keys?"
**********
"I wanna see Sam now!" Jack said.
"Well, grandpa, you're gonna have to stop pissing around, you can't see her because she's just come out of surgery."
"STOP CALLING ME GRANDPA!"
"Well, if you insist, but a far worse fate awaits you."
Dr Elliot Reed came bounding up to him.
"Hi Jack!" she smiled.
"Hey, Elliot."
"CanIjustsaythatIthinktyou'rereallycute!"
"Well...uh...thank you," said Jack, holding back a wince of disgust as she leant forwards over him.
"We could...get together after work.."
"Barbie!" Dr Cox warned, "Careful! You'll take his eye out!"
**********
Teal'c got up and went to his quarters for some peace. He was beginning his kelno'reem when there was a knock on the door and Turk bounded in.
"Hey dude! Just thought I'd come and see how my pal was getting on!"
Turk cast a look around the room and smiled as he saw all the candles.
"Dude, are you doin' voodoo or something?"
"I am not," Teal'c glowered, giving Turk his best 'leave me alone' look. It didn't work.
"Oh - you're meditating! That is waaay cool!" Turk grinned, sitting down in a place where he really shouldn't have.
Teal'c sighed, deeply.
"Doctor Turk, your rear end is igniting."
"Wha - AAAGGGHHH! MY BUTT'S ON FIRE!"
**********
Daniel decided to get up for a walk. He passed Sergeant Siler's office and smiled, taking another step - straight onto a banana skin.
"Ow!" he said, rubbing his back, "Damned Janitor."
The janitor appeared.
"I do my job all day, and scum like you come along and drop litter. I'm ashamed."
"But I..." Daniel protested.
"I don't want to hear it!" the janitor said, picking up the banana skin and putting it on his head. "There - now you have a hat."
He walked away, deliberately sliding his mop over Daniel's shoe so that he fell over again the minute he tried to stand up.
**********
Sam woke up again to see Jack sitting beside her.
"Colonel. Oh, thank goodness you're not Elliot."
"You don't have to worry - she's off with Janet at the moment."
"Then I have to worry for Janet?"
"Uh huh. Look...uh...Elliot wants to go out with me."
Sam made a choking noise.
"You do what you want, sir."
Jack paled. "For the love of god, Carter! I don't want to go out with her! I just can't find a way to tell her!"
At that point, JD and Doctor Cox burst into the room. They tried to go through the door at the same time, which didn't work, and JD ended up with his face pressed into the doorframe as Dr Cox shoved past him.
"Hello, Major Carter," he looked at Jack, "Could ya give us a few minutes?"
Jack stood up and momentarily glared at him, walking out of the room just as JD managed to get his nose back into the right shape.
"How are you feeling?" Dr Cox asked, sitting down on the edge of the bed, "Can I get you anything?"
"No, I'm fine thankyou," she said.
"Can I take you to dinner?" JD asked from the doorway.
Sam was taken aback. "Well..."
"Or, you could go with me," Dr Cox said, glaring at JD.
"Oh, you don't wanna go out with him!" JD smiled, "He's just old and sarcastic and..." his voice trailed off as he saw the expression on Dr Cox's face.
"And Dorothy here is still a virgin to the dating scene," he replied, "So ya might not have a very good night of it."
"I thought it was just dinner," Sam smiled.
"Ooh, she wants me," JD smiled, going into another of his dreams.
He sat in a restaurant with Sam, laughing and joking. She leant over the table and kissed him, whilst the janitor walked past, wiping the floor with Dr Cox.
He snapped out of the dream when he saw Sam looking at him in confusion.
"I'll be going, then," he said, "The offer's still on, though."
He walked backwards out of the door, tripping over a can and falling onto his butt again.
"You really don't wanna go out with him," Dr Cox explained.
**********
Teal'c fetched a bucket of water and got Turk to sit in it for a few moments.
"Aaaahhhhh....dude, you are now even more my best friend - you saved my life!" he grinned.
Teal'c covered his face with his hand and bit back the urge to scream.
**********
Jack was in his office when there was a knock on the door.
"Yeah?" he asked.
"Hi, Jack!"
Elliot walked in, clad only in her underwear.
"Uh...Elliot...where are your clothes?"
"I don't know, and I don't care, Jack."
Jack began to back away as she came closer to him. There was another knock on the door, and Siler entered.
"Colonel - I...Oh! Sorry, Colonel, I didn't realise that you were busy."
"No!" Jack shouted in desperation, "Siler!"
"Come on, Jack," Elliot grinned, "You know you want me!"
"Nnnnnooooo!"
**********
"I'd love to go to dinner with you," Sam smiled, as Dr Cox inflated with pride to about three times his size.
"Thank you," he said.
**********
"I'd love to go to dinner with you," Sam smiled, as JD inflated with pride to about three times his size.
"T..thank you," he said.
Sam just smiled to herself. Sure, dinner was going to consist of an infirmary meal, but she would have the added entertainment of Dr Cox and JD's arguing.
**********
Jack ran out of his office in terror, looking for somewhere to hide. His shirt was ripped and hanging off of him, his hair was tousled and there was a lipstick smudge on his cheek.
"Jack!" Elliot called, running down the corridor after him.
"She won't be able to get me in here," Jack said, running into the men's toilets and locking the door of one of the cubicles.
**********
Later that evening, Dr Cox and JD both made their way to Sam's room, totally unsuspecting.
Janet was talking to Sam.
"You didn't! Sam, you're wicked!"
"What's on the romantic menu tonight?" Sam asked.
"Macaroni cheese and blue jello."
"Sweet. That should sure get a romantic atmosphere going."
**********
Teal'c picked Turk up by his leg and practically threw him out of the room.
"Seeya later, buddy!" said Turk, from outside the door.
Teal'c clasped his face with his hands and tried to calm himself down.
**********
Daniel was limping back to his lab when he saw Carla.
"Hey, Daniel, are you alright?" she asked.
"Yeah, I just had a run-in with the janitor," he said sheepishly.
"Oh, ignore him!" Carla smiled, "He just needs somebody to hurt. He does it to Bambi all of the time."
"Uh..bambi?" Daniel asked.
"It's my nickname for JD. He hates it."
**********
"What the hell are you doing here?" Dr Cox shouted.
"What the hell are you doing here?" JD shouted in reply.
**********
"Jack, I know you're in there - you're just gonna have to come out, I know you can't resist me for much longer," Elliot purred.
Jack began to cry.
**********
"Well, thank you, gentlemen," Sam smiled, "I really enjoyed myself."
"Yeah..." said JD, glaring at Dr Cox.
"Yeah..." said Dr Cox, glaring at JD.
"I hope I can see the two of you again, sometime," Sam smiled.
**********
Jack stayed in the toilet all night. Daniel stayed in his lab all night. Sam was in the infirmary all night, and Teal'c was in a state of kelno'reem all night.
When they woke up, however, they all found themselves in the infirmary.
"It's okay," Janet soothed, "They're gone. They were only here for a day."
"What a relief," Sam smiled.
"However - they will be coming back for another day in the next few months," Janet said carefully.
"NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
**********
THE END
Please R&R! I crave feedback!