I own the ability to create ludicrous material. But other than that, nothing. Kazuya Minekura owns the characters, Mattel and Rankin/Bass own some quotes. If you see any spelling or grammatical errors please show me the light.
By the Power of Grey Skull
He had the power.
He had the power to make things go his way. Gojyo was used to this behavior, and didn't really care as the only times it was directed at him was for his well being. Sometimes the women he'd try to bag were too good to be true. Wonderful large, breasty breasts and the cutting curves from the ribcage to the waist are tempting, but when they are attached to an assassin who's only goal in mind was his death- well, that's a no-no. Gojyo loved women with dirty minds, but he prefer the ones that assured that he would exist to see another pair of breasts. So when Hakkai asks for him to stop, or to let it go, he would do it. As annoying as it could be sometimes, it was tolerable.
Well at least, most of the time.
"Do you mind cutting these for me, Goku?"
After Hakkai got used to responding to his new name, he treated it with the same courtesy of his last. He would respond when called and within his state of reasoning, do what he was told (this also mildly implies to Goku and Gojyo as well). When he had first come to the temple Goku treated him on a equal level. While coming from different backgrounds of loss and pain, it was still Sanzo who pulled them out. The chains around their wrists removed bringing them back to the light that Goku was so obsessed with.
Less like a monkey, more like a moth.
"Oh! No, not at all Hakkai!" Goku immediately picked up the knife and began chopping away, it wasn't too long after that he began eating some of what he chopped.
"Please Goku, can't you wait for dinner?"
"Sorry." He returned Hakkai's smile with a coy one of his own. "I will." Goku then waited for Hakkai to turn his back before stuffing more ingredients into his mouth. Gojyo wondered if he'd should break the news to his green clad friend or reward the monkey for owning balls of iron.
Not that he knew, personally.
Woe to the 5/9 shippers.
Equality shifted into respect and somehow melted into dangerous authority. Sometimes Sanzo would ask Goku to do something which completely contradicts what Hakkai told him not to. Goku, as much as Gojyo liked to tease and make fun of him, he really wasn't that stupid. As simple as his mind was, he could learn, if a bit slow. But once he learned it, it stuck. His capability of retaining knowledge helps even out his ability to grasp it, in some strange, obscure way. Somehow he worked out how to balance between the monk's and teacher's will. Over time, when worse came to worse leadership seemed to be leaning on Hakkai more than the monk.
"Could you, perhaps, stop smoking in here Sanzo?" Hakkai waved the intruding smoke away from the open oven and the little white dragon who sat on top of it.
But Sanzo wasn't used to his title being questioned, for bad or good. Whether it was a cautious remark about his smoking habits or to not shoot that kind civilian over there. Sanzo didn't bend as easily to the whims of Hakkai, being the dry, dry dead stick that he was.
You know the saying that the bark worse than the bite? That's Sanzo.
Do you remember that in nature the growl was the warning before the strike? That's Hakkai.
A saying is only to make one think of deeper meaning, but nature does whatever the fuck it wants regardless. It didn't matter if Sanzo was moderately or completely against it. If Hakkai really wanted it, boy, it would be his. So, by theory, it should lead to some interesting fights. Hakkai was a patient man, but he wasn't Kanzeon. So, Gojyo was just waiting for the snap.
"Make me." Sanzo leaned against the counter behind Hakkai, arms folded and arrogance keeping his eyes focused on his back.
The snap of doom.
"Uh oh." mumbled Gojyo, backtracking out of the kitchen pulling Goku away from the onions and peppers he was chopping.
"Hey stupid! What are yo-" Goku was forced to stop his inquiry when Gojyo forced his hand over Goku's mouth and yanked him out of the kitchen. There was a brief struggle upon entering the living room and a minor slap fight afterwards but the meaning remained clear, as annoying as it was for Goku, that there was danger afoot.
"You should be thankful brat!" Gojyo rubbed his bruised left arm, "I just saved your life!"
"Saved my life?" Goku rubbed his offended cheek, "From what?"
"Only what could be..." Gojyo leaned over to whisper into his ear, "certain death."
"Certain death my ass." Goku rolled his eyes, "What's going on?"
"Something bad." Gojyo leaned his back against the wall blocking the kitchen before turning his head to the doorway. "You know how it-"
"No, I don't." Goku rolled his eyes as Hakkai had closed the oven and placed the mitts on the counter before giving Sanzo a level stare,
"Then could you please take your cigarette someplace else while I make dinner?" Gojyo noted the forced smile, trying to keep things in good humor while Sanzo clearly ignored it.
"Work around me." Gojyo's best guess to translate that situation was that Sanzo wanted to die. "You are only making a fucking casserole, it's not that complicated." Sanzo wanted to die and he wanted to do it in a slow suffering manner.
"Well," Hakkai's eyes darted to the floor before meeting Sanzo's again, "I guess I can work with a handicap." He lifted Goku's cutting board. "Do you mind? My helper seems to have gone missing." Sanzo eyed the red onions before putting his cigarette out on a green pepper.
"No thanks I'm good." Sanzo said flicking the stub over Hakkai's shoulder and into the sink behind him.
"Shit." mumbled Gojyo.
"Damn!" gasped Goku.
Neither stayed at the doorway long as Sanzo came walking in their direction and they immediately dived into the corresponding hallway to avoid the walking nightmare. Sanzo was the angst miser and whatever he touches- gets instantly depressed in his clutch.
He's too much.
After Sanzo and his ego left the premises the tallest and the smallest animals peeked back into the kitchen in time for Hakkai to stiffly place the cutter back on the counter.
"He's pissed." Gojyo sighed.
"He's really pissed!" Goku corrected. He stiffened when he felt Gojyo's hand on his back.
"You should cheer him up." Goku dug his shoes into the floor as Gojyo tried to push him into the kitchen. "Common monkey, you promised you'd chop the veggies!"
"No way man, I'm too young to die!" Goku cried, his hands clinging to the sides of the doorway blissfully unaware of the irony in that sentence. Hakkai looked up at the two, as the rambunctious fools were too noisy not to notice.
"Ah Goku, did you bring Gojyo to help?" The two froze in mid battle to look at Hakkai. His beginning to be stern face was softening at their presence so maybe, if they didn't blow it, they could be safe (could, the key word to this).
"Um, yea." Goku released his grip on the door frame and reclaimed his position at the cutting board.
"Please don't eat anymore of the ingredients Goku," Hakkai's smile was graced with a twitch, "unless you want me to replace the onions with pears or beans with parsley." Gojyo heard the threat, and went straight to opening cans. He knew Goku heard it too, but he wasn't sure Goku cared if pears and beef went together. As long as it was edible, Goku would eat it. In fact, Gojyo was pretty sure that if they took everything from the fridge and crammed it into the blender Goku would down it if he were Hakkai in a drinking contest.
The cooking operation was cut short again as a mace and chain broke through the kitchen window. In a manner of seconds Goku and Gojyo had summoned their weapons and Hakkai had tossed out two chi blasts at the invading demons. Three more minutes and five demons dropped dead with the sixth one being shot in the head by the only guy who has a gun in the group.
"About fucking time you joined in!" Gojyo shouted dodging a clawed hand to his face. "Were you too busy giving yourself a manicure or what?" He grinned, pleased with his insult as he shoved the butt of the Shakujou into the nearest demon's mouth cutting his head in two thirds. Saying in half would be mathematically inaccurate.
"I was expecting you three be able to handle such small fry by yourself." Sanzo drawled, shooting three more heads, "But I see that I was wrong."
"Aw!" Goku shoved his Nyoi-bo into the ground as four demons surrounded him. "Sanzo, you'd know if it were just twenty-" kicking the first demon, he used the momentum to swing around and kick the others, "I'd take 'em down just fine!" Before Goku could kick the forth however, a chi blast vaporized it leaving Goku swinging at nothing. "Dammit!"
"Whoops! Sorry Goku." Hakkai chirped elbowing a demon in the gut, "I know how much you wanted to perfect that technique."
"The monkey can get over it," Gojyo rolled his eyes as he released the chain, decapitating four more demons, "there are plenty of bad guys to go around."
"It makes one wonder, however." Hakkai dodged a blow to his back.
"Yea?" Gojyo prompted as the chain zipped back into the staff.
"Do you demons fuck like rabbits?" Sanzo growled, shooting the second to last one, "Your numbers never seem to decrease."
"I believe that is a question Gojyo is best suitable to answer." Hakkai tossed another chi ball removing the mid half of the last demon.
"That's harsh man." Gojyo mock whined.
After kicking some serious ass, it seemed Hakkai had relaxed a bit and the rest of the dinner preparations could go smoothly. Gojyo relaxed thinking, 'Great, the rest of the night can be quiet, we'll have dinner, maybe play mahjong and go to bed.' Then he looked over at Sanzo and corrected his thinking, 'Okay, the rest of the night will be spent bickering with the golden ass, eating dinner, maybe mahjong and then bed.' As he walked into the kitchen, he realized he had to remodel his goal again.
"Goku."
"Yea, Hakkai?"
"What did I say?"
"Um," Goku stopped chewing to swallow, "about what?"
'Either stop Goku from eating the ingredients or prevent Hakkai from noticing. Argue with Sanzo. Eat what's left of dinner and go to bed as fast as possible.'
"He just killed a bunch of demons," Gojyo jumped in, "he probably needed a quick refuel."
"Alright." Hakkai sighed, "Just as long as that is the last Goku tosses into his mouth before dinner."
"No problem!" Gojyo forced a laugh, though was nowhere near the mock happiness Hakkai tossed out on a regular basis, "Right Goku?"
"Yea!" Goku cheered.
"Good! Good." Hakkai pulled the ceramic bowl off the counter, "Then just toss the onions and such in here Goku, if you please." Goku took the bowl from Hakkai.
"Sure!" he stopped, staring at the cutting board.
"What's the matter monkey?"
"Um, I kinda ate it all." Both gulped as they felt what only could be Hakkai's growing shadow flooding the room.
"Is... that so." Hakkai's voice still held the tone of a cheerful one, but even Goku felt the doom lingering in it. "Well, I guess I will just have to substitute..."
"Don't get your panties in a bunch." they heard Sanzo in the living room, "I'm going out for cigarettes anyways, might as well kill some birds with some stones."
"The proper saying is kill two birds with one stone, but Sanzo-" Hakkai was interrupted by the sound of the door slamming and lack of Sanzo to talk to. Gojyo and Goku felt Hakkai's shadow grow darker. "Well," he turned to face his butt monkeys, "it's not like Sanzo knows what to get, so I guess I will have to make do with what we have. ...Right?" he added, his green eyes landing on them. The look giving a feeling of 'Whoever trips the wire this time is not getting a save me from Hakkai free card, get it?' The feeling felt like it was radiating.
"Um, yea!" Gojyo and Goku refrained from saluting their new lord and master. Sanzo only wished he could be this scary.
"I'll get the cans!" Goku quickly added and left the room. Gojyo felt cold and alone in the world.
"Gojyo, my dear friend," Hakkai smiled picking up the butchers knife with his right hand and let his free hand play with the blade, "would you kindly cut the beef?"
"Uh..." Gojyo forced himself to cut eye contact with the blade, "s-sure Hakkai!" He reached out for the blade, knowing full well Hakkai wouldn't stab him, but the feeling wouldn't go away. As Gojyo received the blade's handle in his hand and not the blade in his gut, he wondered if Hakkai studied reverse psychology in his spare time.
The next thirty minuets in the kitchen were spent in almost complete silence, which was only broken from the sound of the boiling vegetables, sizzling meat and the worried chirps of Jeep. When it came to setting the table, both Gojyo and Goku agreed to do it together just to grab some distance away from the gleaming monocle and dangerous smile.
"Karma better reward me for this," Gojyo hissed placing the plates down, "I didn't do anything deserving Hakkai's wrath."
"Oh please," Goku bit as he put the glasses down, "Hakkai doesn't throw his rage around indiscriminately. You probably deserved it."
"Yea, unlike the monk." he rolled his eyes knowing what was coming next.
"Sanzo's got reasons!" Goku jabbed a chopstick in his direction.
"Yea?" Gojyo smacked the chopstick aside, "Well they're stupid reasons."
"Are not!"
"Are too!"
"You're so stupid you wouldn't know what stupid was even if it were dancing stupidly in front of you!"
"Oh yea?"
"Yea!" Both glared at each other from opposite ends of the table. Oh, it was so on.
"Well, you're so stupid you can't identify an asshole properly!"
"I see one right in front of me!"
"Why you-!" Neither having enough tact to hold an insulting conversation they decided to go back to their old reliables. Their fists if you didn't catch that. Two plates and a glass hit the floor and broke as the two rolled around on the floor trying to swing as many punches while avoiding the others' fists as much as possible. Gojyo managed to pin Goku beneath him putting his weight into his legs to hold Goku's to prevent his valuables from getting kicked. Hakkai walked in the room, noted the two on the floor as he placed the main course and it's sides in the middle of the table. Before Gojyo could grab Goku's arms, Hakkai took a plate off the table and dropped it on Gojyo's head.
"Oops." he said, the tone not really sounding apologetic as Gojyo released Goku so he could cradle his head.
"Ow! Mother fucki-" Gojyo stopped in mid cuss realizing who the plate dealer was.
"I like how you set up the table," Hakkai's eyes narrowed as the smile stayed in place, "it's like it was done by a group of monkeys that have no remorse for another one's property." He began to pick up the pieces of the broken pottery. "Quite an artistic touch really." Gojyo and Goku looked back at the table and aside from the center where the food was placed, everything that wasn't broken was in disarray. Goku shoved Gojyo off of him and both jumped back up to their feet.
"Sorry Hakkai!"
"Let us clean up!"
"We're really sorry Hakkai!"
"We didn't mean to do that!"
"Then pray tell, what did you mean?" Both stayed quiet as the green eyes scanned them again. Gojyo, the first to break out of the trance ran to the kitchen to get replacements for the table. Goku prompted by that move, went to pick up the rest of the shards. Hakkai stepped back and stroked Jeep's neck while the other two fumbled around with the placements. Panting due to fast work and stress, Gojyo and Goku sat down at the table.
"Done." Gojyo sighed.
"We can finally eat!" Goku cheered picking up his chopsticks and reached for the tongs to help himself to the meal, only to have his hand pulled back by the wrist. Goku gave a pleading look to Hakkai, but he only shook his head.
"When Sanzo gets back, which shouldn't be too long, we will begin dinner."
"But dinner's done now." Goku whined, "Why can't we eat it now? Why do we have to wait?" Hakkai released Goku's wrist and crossed his arms.
"I just wanted to do something nice for a change. Do something nice, and have the lingering feeling last longer than five minuets." Goku gulped nervously at Hakkai, then gulped hungrily at the untouched food. "Is that too hard to ask? Is it really that too much to ask?"
"N-no," Gojyo gave a nervous smile and wave, "I've got no problem. But-"
"But?" Gojyo shivered hearing the venom dripping from the chirpy voice.
"Never mind! I can wait!"
"What about a taste? Is that ok-" Goku and Gojyo jumped as the knife was shoved deep into the oak table. No one made a sound as Hakkai leaned over the table and hissed in a low tone,
"No one is to touch anything until Sanzo gets back. If anyone touches this meal before dinner time, there will be hell to pay. Capeesh?" Since he was raised in a Christian orphanage, no one questioned the meaning. They were sure he meant it, unorthodox or not.
Gojyo knew whatever Hakkai made was good but he started to think he wasn't in for casserole tonight. He leaned back in his chair and looked at the table thinking maybe he should just skip dinner and go straight to bed. Sanzo would be coming in soon, with or without groceries and Hakkai would surprise him, or mildly amuse him with a finished diner and a nicely placed table. Something families did. Or at least, some families. Close ones. Ones that spent gratuitous amount of time together without being asked. Ones that waited for everyone to be at the table before even thinking about food. Even if they were annoying or frustrating, family was people you cared about. Something only Hakkai had done years back.
Gojyo was starting to see what Hakkai was trying to do.
"Hey squirt," he flicked some lint in Goku's direction, "you think you can wait for Sanzo?"
"Of course! I can do anything for Sanzo!" Goku raised his fists as if he were challenged to a fight. Gojyo smirked to himself and gave Hakkai a wink. He seemed to loosen up a bit, somewhat reassured that this time they would do as he asked.
Or else.
And for the record, no, I don't know what kind of casserole Hakkai made. It's almost as mysterious as the man himself. Almost.
Thank you for reading.