A/N: The characters are from Batman the Animated Series and comics, but they've been 'nolanafied.'

Some of the most comforting word's I've heard came from a completely deranged man. He was holding the bank up, some of his plans had gone awry and his quick and simple theft was live on the 9 o'clock news.

"Why aren't you scared my dear?" he asked kneeling in front of me, "You're cute as button, and such lovely hair here, so tell me," he leaned forward, "does the carpet match the curtains?"

I screeched and pushed him away from me crawling over to one of the other captives.

A few hours later he came back to me, obviously bored.

"So, dame, what's your name?" he asked leering in too close for comfort.

"A-Alice," I whimpered.

"Oh, I do just love that name!" he twittered, spinning in a small circle, "Come now, girl we've got to move, when playing their game it's important not to lose."

It felt like he unhinged my shoulder as he yanked me up heading towards the back exit. When he arrived at the manhole, leading to the sewers I cried out loud: "You're completely mad!"

"Now dear Alice, we're all mad here, I'm mad, you're mad, there's really no helping this. It's best to move on, or in this case, down!" he hollered pushing me into the manhole as he followed.

--

He lived in the decrepit center of the city's plumbing. No signs of life apart from my captor and his help, the Tweedles, and myself, not even rats came this far down. It had been months since I'd seen the light of day. It was truly the most horrid thing to go through, I would wish it upon no one.

One day someone showed up.

I was reading when he arrived, so all I heard where the non-descript yells at first. Soon they calmed down and spoke politely.

I sat in my small 'room' wondering who would be mad enough to voluntarily come this deep into the sewer. The smell was wretched beyond belief, but after a week or so I didn't even notice it anymore. I wouldn't be surprised if the stench had soaked into my bones.

"Alice!" his shrill voice hollered. I stood up as Dee took me by the elbow. The pain was like the smell, after a while, I couldn't even tell. Dee's gnawed off fingernails dug into the familiar places in my arm as the orb shaped man pulled me into the main room.

The room was the main sewage collection; it was where all the pipes led. The sound was almost deafening. The small red haired man who had pushed me into the manhole sat at the head of the table sipping his tea.

Opposite the head of the table sat a well-dressed man. His purple suit was fitted and his hair clean and slicked back. He had beady black eyes, which I didn't like.

"Now, Mr. J do you really just expect me to give my toys away?"

"Of course not," Mr. J hollered back over the table, "I came to challenge you to a caucus race, winner takes all, and by all, I mean Alice."

The Hatter erupted into hysterics.

"You, you think you can be me, ME! The Mad Hatter at a caucus race? That's completely crazy! I wouldn't believe you if it weren't for your serious face."

"You know, anything can happen in a caucus race."

"Since I have nothing better to do, I accept the challenge posed by you."

"Fine."

Both men stood as Dum drew a chalk line on the ground. Both of the competitors got into the 'ready' position as the lackey spoke.

"Dah rules are dare are no rules," Dum announced loudly, "You must cheat to win, when dah whistle goes dah race has begun."

He raised the small piece of tin to his lips, but before the shrill noise filled the air, the Mad Hatter was off.

Mr. J just stood at the line, slowing righting himself from the crouched position. I watched as he approached Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum, who stood on either side of me, their hands like vice clamps on my shoulders.

"You seem like two nice young men," he started to say, fixing his cuffs, "It's really a shame, but here, let's shake to show no hard feelings," he offered both of his hand up to the two.

They exchanged looks before removing their hands from my shoulders and clasping onto the visitor's.

Their bodies shook violently for a moment before they both collapsed onto the floor. The suited man cried out with laughter, it sounded forced, but he looked like he'd never be able to stop.

He pulled both of the hand buzzers before wiping a tear from his cheek, smudging his face paint.

"Let's blow this pop stand," he said taking my arm and running in the opposite direction of the Mad Hatter.

He climbed into the back of a purple Cadillac, pulling me with him.

I moved as far away from him as I could. Even though it was setting, the sun was so bright I had to keep my eyes closed.

"What do you want?" I asked quietly.

"You."

"Why?"

"It's like with little kids, if your friend has the nice action figure, you want to take it."

--