Sonder.
Summary: Your soulmate's name fading before their death it's unimaginable, but Tony Stark seems to achieve the impossible again and again.
After Sokovia and their final fight in Siberia, Steve's name is erasing itself from his wrist; it's the final proof of the end of their bond
A/n: Another twist…after the soul crushing movie that was Civil War; again spoilers and read at your discretion. Also this is for my Stony Bingo Card, the position O-3 that is free, so it will be Soulmates.
Quotes of the movie and Avengers Prime #5, in the middle there is one of my favorites poems: 'If you forget me' by Pablo Neruda.
Edit: Fixed some mistakes, thank you Kizmet & Surprise_Beta. On that note if someone know about a beta or you wanted to proof-read this fic (an some others I'm working on) please let me know, I'll be really grateful.
I want you to know
one thing.
You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.
.
.
Meeting Steve was like breathing after being a long time underwater, it was exhilarating and it made him feel alive again.
Tony loved him since the beginning, before they have met…after the first story about Steve Rogers (the kid from Brooklyn) that his Aunt Peggy had told him.
He remembers tracing, over and over, the name on his wrist ever since it appeared at his eight birthday; the elegant penmanship forming his soulmate's name, his finger following each curve and sharp angle the move full of longing and heartache. He still does it, when he feels especially anxious it seems to help him calm, it's like a balm for the hole in his soul a kind of painkiller for the ache that resides in his heart. It is a little silly, taking comfort in something so childish, but it has been one of the few touches that had lighten some of the burden since childhood…only comparable to his mother's and Jarvis' hugs.
That's why he is doing it now, inconspicuously as he can, telling his team about Charles Spencer's death and his position towards the Accords, he can feel Steve's disapproval through the bond a feeling so muted that makes Tony wonder if his partner is trying to quell it.
At some point Tony tries to maintain eye contact with Steve, but he receives a text and leaves the room without explanation. Another feeling unusually quiet pass…it's grief.
An incoming call comes from his own phone and Sharon Carter tells him that Aunt Peggy is dead. His world crumbles a little more, another piece falls and he is alone to deal with it; his soulmate is already in a quinjet flying toward London so lost in his own sorrow that he does not remember that he has another person who he can share it with, Steve lost his girl, Tony lost the last member of his family.
.
.
.
He wonders if Steve knew that he was there, he chose to sit the last row trying to pass unnoticed and went through the ceremony in calm dealing with his loss. He heard Sharon's speech and the glances that she and Steve shared. It was when he knew that Steve wouldn't sign the Accords.
His wrist hurts and Steve's name feels a little hot, Tony nods to the pilot and goes to Vienna with Natasha, he sees the news in the middle of the flight.
Bucky Barnes' face is in all the news, the count of deaths is rising and General Cross is filling his voice mail with angry demands for information. He closes his eyes and breathing is difficult, he waits for something but nothing comes from Steve's end not anger or hurt and it scares shitless Tony.
The flight pass to quickly and he is in front of Steve trying to convince him in signing, he wants to explain that it's their best shot if they want to have a hand in something that appears to be irremediable.
But Wanda's custody in the Complex changes it all and Steve turns in someone Tony doesn't recognize.
"Sometimes I want to punch you in your perfect teeth"
He is furious, with himself and with Steve, but self-deprecation still works and he hates himself a little bit more; because Tony could have prevented it, or at least he could have tried harder to make Steve listen.
But then the Winter Soldier escapes, again, tries to kill him and whoever is put in front of him. Steve goes after him and Tony convinces himself that it is right, Barnes is Steve's best friend and of course he will go for him. It doesn't matter that he doesn't stop to see if Tony is okay, he must have feel it from the bond; but that doesn't calm Tony as he wants, something inside of him is shouting wrongwrongwrong and everything begin to seem faded.
Tony persuades General Ross to let him in charge to the persecution in hopes to protect his wayward other half.
He traces Steve's name from memory inside his left wrist again and again, the gesture is less soothing that he remembers.
.
.
Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.
If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.
If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.
.
.
There is the memory from their first kiss, it was sweet and he associated it with the savor of peaches and the smell of petrichor, he guards the remembrance with all his might, willing himself in never forgetting it.
He recalls the memory in the route towards Leipzig remembering that it's his soulmate who will be there, it will be Steve his other half and he will be able to talk, to resolve this ridiculous situation like adults.
Natasha rests her hand on his shoulder in a silent support, Tony relaxes a little and abides the anger that threats to overwhelm him. He can hear Peter's exited commentary of how amazing the quinjet is, Rhodey is going in the armor and his Highness has his own transport.
"Where did you find the kid?" Natasha asks watching the 'kid' amused.
"Queens"
There is the memory of the first time that Steve told him that he loved him, but Tony can't remember the last time Steve repeated it.
.
.
.
Steve doesn't surrender so they fight, teams against team, all of them friends in different sides, all them wanting to do the right thing. Tony is tired and the anger resurges, he wants to finish this and return home…to have a movie night with all of them, to cuddle with Steve in the loveseat and being so unbearably sweet with each other that Clint will throw at them popcorns while the others watch the scene fondly.
He wants their family, but the fight progress and it doesn't seem to end.
Then Rhodey falls and Tony is screaming inside his mind flying towards his friend the fastest that he can; but he doesn't reach him in time and his friend doesn't answer his calls, there is pulse and Tony can breath.
He fires a repulsor towards Sam and forgets everything aside from get Rhodey medical attention, he goes with him in the ambulance; he left Ross' men deal with the rest of his teammates, Natasha and Vision arrives at the Hospital some minutes after them.
He is quiet watching the proceedings pass his eyes and doesn't assimilate the situation, not yet.
Because Rhodey, his best friend, is there because of him, no, it's because the spot Steve has put them all with his unwillingness to hear, his tunnel vision with all Barnes' related, he put them all in risk for a single man.
And Steve has still the gall to say that theirs are still the best hands.
Tony feels hate for a single moment and it terrifies him. But when there was anyone he still had Rhodey, he never left him and his friend was with him in everything that matters. James was the one that found him, who didn't stop to search for him when everybody gave him for lost.
So Tony kind of understand where Steve is coming from with Barnes, but Tony will never forgive himself that in doing that he hurts innocents of put them in risk…Also, Rhodey will never forgive him too.
They have power and a great responsibility along with it, their life come to second to those they swear themselves to protect when they accepted the role of Avengers.
.
.
.
He still goes to the RAFT that excuse of prison that Ross will paid later for daring to put their team in it. That was never the plan and the Accords established a fair trial before imprisonment.
"The futurist is here, gentlemen! He sees all. He knows what's best for you, whether you like it or not."
Tony hears Clint's painful jabs stoically, he doesn't have the time to discuss with him, and he needs Sam cooperation if he wants to save Steve and Barnes.
He tells Sam about one Colonel Helmut Zemo and his part in the bombing in Vienna. Tony also talks a little about Rhodey in crisp tone because he is angry with him.
"I have to go, he is my soulmate Sam even if he didn't want it"
Tony is not sure where this situation leaves their relationship, if after this they will still have some resemblance of it.
"Okay"
Sam must has seen something in his eyes but Tony doesn't care in what, he thanks him and goes for his stubborn mate with all intention to help him in that suicide mission of his.
Accords can be dammed.
"Tell me something that you have never said to anyone else"
"My mom played the piano, she was a prodigious without doubt, she played for me when I had nightmares, also when she was happy or I'd bugged her enough to play for me" he said with a small smile and subdued tone, "She also taught me how to play, I was not as good as her but well…I loved her and I hate that I couldn't tell her that before her death…she deserved to feel loved, I wish that that day I stopped her from going with Howard and I hate myself for that too"
Steve hugged him and whispered sweet nothings at his ear, it was the last time he hugged him like that, after that came Ultron and his retirement, the drills and Steve's quest to find Barnes.
Steve never asked him to play the piano; Tony didn't know what to feel about that.
He still doesn't.
.
"Did you know?"
"I didn't know it was him..."
"Don't shit me, Rogers! Did you know?"
"Yes"
.
They fight, Tony wants to kill his parent murderer all logic disappeared and is replaced with grief and visceral anger. It doesn't matter that he has to pass through his soulmate to get him, he wants revenge like anything else.
If Steve is able to do the same, hitting him to protect his friend, he will do the same and avenge his Mother.
"Sorry Tony, but he's my friend"
"So was I"
He believed he was more to Steve, but apparently he didn't meant enough to try for him; the same way he did it in the helicarrier when he let himself being punched by his best friend in order to recover some form of memory. Tony isn't worth enough of the sacrifice. So he fights for himself.
Each hit is painful and the burning in his wrist worsen minute after minute but Tony does his best to ignore it. He tears Barnes' left arm and he feels a vicious satisfaction with that, Steve increases the power of his punches but FRIDAY finishes to analyze his fight pattern. He is in the floor and Tony wishes he remains there.
The anger subdues a little and Tony only wants this farce finish and return home to recuperate some form of peace.
"Stay down…final warning"
"I can do this all day"
Something breaks and he feel his wrist in flames a distraction that Steve takes advantage of and now he is in the floor, the other forces his helmet out and they are seeing eye to eye, Steve furious like he has never seen him, hitting with his shield all in reach, it doesn't matter that he can't defend properly himself.
Tony feels fear because this Steve is not pulling anything and with each hit of his shield seems nearer to be a fatal hit. For a moment he can see the shield going down towards his neck, and he has the ridiculous impulse to say "Finish it", but part of him rebels with the idea to die and give him that satisfaction.
He is tired and when Steve changes the trajectory towards the Arc Reactor, Tony can feel his heart breaks like the power source.
If he has felt betrayed when he knew that Steve hide the true about his parents death, this finished to kill the hope that he stupidly harbored; because he knew about the Reactor and his issues with it.
He confided that to him…like a lot of things, he trusted him against his brain telling him that it was not wise. He loved him like he has never loved him anyone else, with all the parts of his broken heart and putting all his being in his hands.
But it was not enough; Tony never seems to be sufficient.
"That shield doesn't belong to you. You don't deserve it! My father made that shield!"
Steve, no, Rogers leaves the shield and Tony finds the act oddly poetic. He also has his answer about his relationship with that.
He loses something he never had.
.
.
.
It's after T'challa comes for him that he can leave the armor, he looks at his wrist remembering the burning and find it blank, there is no name…Steve Rogers is erased from his skin leaving his wrist clean in a way he didn't remember.
He wants to shout, to cry, but he doesn't have the time…there is much to deal with and the world doesn't stop because he wants and the problems don't solve themselves for much stubborn he is on them, Rogers doesn't seem to grasp that concept.
Stupid advice was that Carter.
"Compromise where you can. Where you can't, don't. Even if everyone is telling you that something wrong is something right. Even if the whole world is telling you to move, it is your duty to plant yourself like a tree, look them in the eye, and say, 'No, you move'."
He grieves again and asks himself if it will ever stop, he traces the familiar patter of that man's name, over and over on a blank wrist. He wonders if Steve feels hollow like him, if loosing his name hurts to him, like it's killing Tony.
.
.
Tony.
I'm glad you're back at the compound. I don't like the idea of you rattling around a mansion by yourself. We all need family. The Avengers are yours, maybe more so than mine. I've been on my own since I was 18. I never really fit in anywhere, even in the army.
My faith's in people, I guess. Individuals. And I'm happy to say that, for the most part, they haven't let me down. Which is why I can't let them down either. Locks can be replaced, but maybe they shouldn't.
I know I hurt you, Tony. I guess I thought by not telling you about your parents I was sparing you, but I can see now that I was really sparing myself, and I'm sorry.
Hopefully one day you can understand. I wish we agreed on the Accords, I really do. I know you're doing what you believe in, and that's all any of us can do. That's all any of us should... So no matter what, I promise you, if you need us…if you need me.
I'll be there.
.
P.S. You never were my friend; you are my other half…my better half.
I'm not half as good at– at anything as I am when I'm doing it next to you. And that's the truth.
I love you.
.
He stares at the flip-phone and checks at the contact, he takes a photo of his blank wrist at sends it.
He is tired of all this farce; he has work to do and a mess to fix thanks to Rogers.
.
.
.
But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.
-If you forget me (Pablo Neruda).