Author's Note: Originally posted on tumblr. I enjoyed writing this so much, and I hope you enjoy reading it!
Shepard was a soldier, there was no doubt about that. His build, his face, even his voice screamed "poster boy". But there was more to him than that.
He talked often with Garrus, about various weapon modifications, and the Mako, way back when. Though conversation about that old thing was still heard from time to time. Shepard and Garrus had a unique friendship, due to their circumstances. Best friends until the end, one might say.
Shepard was also seemingly close to Liara as well. Her vast information network gave the pair plenty to talk about. What others were doing, how something could change this or that, even snooping on shared enemies as they fumbled through life.
Even Tali, who didn't seem to have anything in common with the man but an honorary title among her people, had a special bond with Shepard. They talked endlessly about her people, or her childhood. Once they were overheard discussing music.
But Kaidan? He had nothing in common, spare for the fact that they were both Spectres, now. It seemed like they used to be so much closer, and Kaidan longed to have that connection back. So when Shepard came to check in on him after a particularly stressful mission, Kaidan decided he was going to try to reestablish that friendship that was so strong just a few years ago. And maybe he'd find out if there was the possibility of more between them. He'd thought he saw something there with their lunch at Apollo's but that had been so long ago-
"Kaidan, how're you holding up?"
"I feel great. Ready for anything." He shrugged with a small smile as he turned to look at Shepard entering the room. "I doubt you came by just to check on me, though."
"You seem like you've been uncomfortable, Kaidan. What's bothering you?" Shepard took the opportunity to sit down beside Kaidan. He'd taken up residence in the lounge, finding the stars relaxing. And the couch wasn't too bad, either. Kaidan sighed and leaned back.
"I've had a lot on my mind, lately." This was starting easy, but he doubted it would go that smoothly. Shepard had a way of making things difficult, it was just his nature.
"Well, talk to me. You know how I feel about people keeping things bottled up. And I'm your friend, aren't I?"
Kaidan worried the inside of his cheek between his teeth for a moment before speaking, nodding solemnly.
"You and I have been good friends, Shepard. Excluding Horizon."
"Yeah, that was a dick move, even if you were right." Shepard teased, both laughing for a moment at the dissolved tension.
"But seriously, I don't think there are a lot of people who I could consider a friend. I just feel like we haven't really been… doing whatever friends do, I guess." He shrugged his shoulders and looked to his left, watching Shepard smirk a little as he continued talking, "I feel like I don't really get to hang out with you like we used to. You're… always talking with someone else and I'd feel bad taking away their time with you if I walked up."
"Do you realize how much you sound like a jealous boyfriend right now?" Shepard cut him off from his rambling. Kaidan nearly blushed, and luckily he was able to will it away this time. He cleared his throat.
"I've been told I can be a handful, sometimes." Kaidan laughed, a little nervous, his gaze falling to the floor.
"More than a handful." The other man shifted, turning more towards Kaidan, "But if you want to talk, all you have to do is let me know. I can make time to talk with you, Kaidan."
"I don't want to force you to talk with me, just because I feel lonely-"
"Lonely?" His face was serious when Kaidan looked up from the floor. "Exactly how many people do you talk to regularly?"
"Besides Joker? Probably only two others."
"And who would those others be?" His eyes narrowed a bit. Kaidan knew that look. He was being slightly judged, but he knew it was with good intentions. This was Shepard.
"Uh… EDI and occasionally Liara."
"What do you usually talk about with them?" There was the conversation starter Kaidan needed. He cracked a smile, almost embarrassed.
"Tech, biotics, and a bunch of other things you'd probably find boring."
"That's only because I don't know anything about that stuff. Guns, I can talk about. Politics, I can tolerate. Tech? Way over my head. That's why I like bringing you along when I have trouble with locked doors."
"So you don't bring me along because you enjoy the banter? That hurts, Shepard." Kaidan was glad when he got a laugh from Shepard, "But honestly, it's really simple, Shepard. Let me see your omni-tool."
"What?" Shepard was absolutely confused, and even looked scared.
"I said, let me see your omni-tool. I'm going to show you a simple hack to open doors if they're locked." Kaidan was pulling up his omni-tool as well to transfer the program. There was silence for a moment as they set up the link, waiting for the program to download.
"Kaidan, you really don't have to-"
"What if you somehow get separated and have to unlock a door, huh? I might not always be there." Kaidan looked over, quickly turning his head before he could think about what his words could mean. And it was the absolute truth - Kaidan could very well die, or go missing on any of these missions.
"Well if that ever happens, maybe I deserve it for letting you get away." Shepard said, barely speaking above a whisper. If Kaidan wasn't sitting right next to him, he might not have heard it.
"What do you mean?" he lowered his omni-tool, concerned, now. It wasn't often that Shepard let his guard down like this.
"I mean…" Shepard sighed and shook his head, "You were there for me before anyone else, and I took it for granted, until we met on Horizon. And after you walked away, I was in fear that I had just lost one of my closest friends. I… I didn't speak to anyone for a few days after that. I told Joker to take us to the citadel for some shore leave, and I didn't even leave the cabin." There was an uncomfortably long silence before Shepard spoke again, "You mean a lot to me, Kaidan, and if I lost you for good, I don't know that I could stand going through the pain for real."
Kaidan hadn't realized he'd been holding his breath until he felt his body growing too warm for comfort, and a dull burning sensation in his lungs. He made sure to take in another breath very slowly. The burning and warmth were suddenly fading away, and Kaidan was struggling to come up with something to say. Shepard looked - and probably felt - wounded, and hurt as he stared at the floor like Kaidan had earlier. So finally, Kaidan cleared his throat to speak.
"I… Beat myself up over what I said to you. I should have let you explain yourself, I should have tried to understand that you were doing what you thought was best… There were a lot of 'I should have's being thrown around in my head. And after I sent you that apology, I was waiting for a reply. It was hard not knowing if I had burned that bridge, but then Anderson told me you were going through the Omega 4 relay, and-" Kaidan was actually getting choked up thinking about it. He took a breath to steady himself, ignoring the tears in his eyes, "Shepard, I thought you weren't going to come back. I kept preparing myself for a news report that the Normandy had gone missing, and that there was no trace of where you'd gone off too." Kaidan leaned forward, bringing a hand over his face. He didn't really want to be seen crying.
"I came back, Kaidan." Shepard said, his voice uneven. Kaidan felt a strong hand on his back. It was comforting and he managed to look up after a moment, only to have that hand slide across his back, Shepard's arm pulling him closer. "I came back." he repeated once Kaidan's face was buried in his uniform. That was all he needed, to know that he wasn't just looking into things too deep between them.
Neither knew how long they sat in that embrace, but it felt good. It was a reassurance Kaidan didn't know he needed. When it felt like it had been long enough, they both pulled back at the same time, smiling a little. Kaidan didn't know what to say, so he glanced down, pulling his omni-tool up again.
"God, what a nerd." Shepard chuckled, though doing the same.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Kaidan smirked, tapping away at the device.
"You don't say anything, so you open up your omni-tool to open up that program. You're a nerd, Kaidan."
"Alright, fine. I'm a nerd. I don't see the problem since you already knew that about me." Kaidan shrugged, looking up.
"You're my nerd." Shepard said, putting his arm around Kaidan's shoulders. "I'm not letting you get away again."
"Yeah, well I'm letting you out of this room until you hack the door open." Kaidan smirked. Shepard immediately turned to look at the red lock of the door.
"You didn't just-"
"I did just lock you in here with me." Kaidan folded his arms across his chest with a shit-eating grin plastered on his face. "Better get to it. I overheard James talking about cooking for the crew tonight. Dinner is in a half hour."
"I hate you, Kaidan." Shepard growled, pulling up his omni-tool and walking over to the door.