Demons
Look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide
Don't get too close
Its dark inside
It's where my demons hide
Its easy to deceive yourself, you don't let anyone get close, to ground you and remind you are still human, not the monster you have created in your head. The homewrecker, the alcoholic, the gambler, the killer.
You live your life on a knifes edge, adrenaline pulling you through, even at the end of the day, your body exhausted, you don't sleep, you sit with your demons and allow them to manifest In your mind, replaying your life's mistakes, the regrets and the pain, you quickly snap back to reality, not allowing your mind to take you back to the darkest of moments, you need something, you need control
"I hope she's at a casino" Nick laughs, he's serious, Carla's behaviour had become so erratic recently, he wishes it was just as simple as the gambling. Her drinking had become increasingly concerning, she didn't sleep, she didn't eat...
"She's skin and bones, she says she eats, but I know she doesn't" he looks up at Rob, realising the only time she eats a proper meal is when she's at the Bistro
"What's her favourite dish, I could cook her up a meal" Rob looks at Nick, feeling guilty, wanting to help, knowing all of Carla's pain is solely because of the woman, who until recently he had shared a bed with
Nick sighs and runs a hand through his hair "I think all she's interested in here is the drink" he looks over to the door, hoping she will walk through at any minute.
"I bet she's at a bar, drinking cocktails on her own, probably finish the night by wrapping her car round a tree" Nick shakes his head at the thought, he looks up at Rob who looks shocked at his admission, Nick laughs it off, knowing if he didn't laugh he would cry
"You better get back to the kitchen" Nick adds, standing up, he can't keep sitting here thinking about the woman he loves destroying herself, she did tell him she would end up hurting him in the end. He walks back to the bar and checks his phone, wishing, hoping, that she had sent him a text, even if it was to ask for money, he would give her anything to stop her gambling with her life. He texts Michelle and suggests they look for her, he can't keep torturing himself with scenarios of how he would find Carla. He leaves Leanne and Rob to close the Bistro, unable to wait any longer.
"Casino first? " Michelle is waiting beside his car, pulling her coat around her to keep the chill out, Nick nods as he unlocks the car and starts the engine. Michelle looks at Nick, she can see how broken he is, how much he cares about Carla, how much he loves her...
"Once she's in self destruct mode she won't let anyone help, especially those who want to make her feel better about herself" Michelle looks out the window, remembering when Carla had told her about her suicide attempt after the rape, should she tell Nick? Surely she had learnt from the last time, and Michelle had swore never to tell anyone, she hadn't even told Steve.
The drive to the casino was quick, Nick remembering the first time Carla had taken him there, he knew he should of tried to stop her then, but he was with Erica then.
He parked up, in the same spot she had parked all those weeks ago. It had started to rain, Nick hoping she would be inside, not out somewhere in this weather, drunk and vulnerable.
They rush inside, both praying she will be inside, she will give them that look, complain that they came looking, telling them she doesn't need anyone's help. But she's not here, she hasn't been in for over a week, the colour drains from Nicks face.
They drive around for over a hour, having no luck. Nick tells Michelle she should go home, get some rest, he'll go back to Carla's flat, she had given him a key, it felt right, that he could come and go as he pleased, knowing he could check she was safe. He drops Michelle off outside the rovers and drives back to their apartment block.
He takes the stairs leading to the flat, each step full of hope that he'll find her there, he'd even accept finding her passed out, drunk on the sofa. He lets himself into her flat, it's empty, boxes still pulled up and unopened, like she was planning on running at any minute, because that's what she's good at it, isn't it?
Nick puts the keys on the counter, looking at the empty wine glasses in the sink, next the to numerous empty bottles of wine. He shakes his head and grabs a bag to put them in and places them next to the bin. He looks in the fridge, it's empty apart from some orange juice he had insisted she kept for her hangovers, he really should buy her some food, make sure she starts eating more, he had noticed the weight loss, the way her clothes started to hang on her already slight frame and what was it Erica had said? "cheekbones like wing mirrors"
Nick frowned slightly and sighed, he knew she wouldn't let him take care of him, but maybe he could make sure she started taking care of herself better.
He took his jacket off and hangs it over the back of the sofa, his hand lingering as flashbacks of the nights they spent together go through his mind, easier times, happier times. Nick softly smiled to himself and walked over towards the window, he looked out into the night, the rain subsiding, leaving puddles, the street lights reflecting in them, it seemed so peaceful, a far comparison to his mind, he pressed his head against the glass, relishing the coolness, he inhaled, trying to process the past few hours, processing how fast Carla was deteriorating, in mind and health.
Finally Nick heard the key turn in the door, his heart in his throat, his eyes locking with hers, she had been crying, again, he saw the wall that she was building to protect herself, but he also saw how easily that wall could become cracked and broken. They stand and look at each other for what seems an eternity, he knows she won't make the first move, she won't appear weak, he walks slowly over to her and let's her fall into his arms, burying her head under his chin, he can smell the alcohol on her as he kisses her softly on the head, he closes his eyes and forces back the tears, she's safe, for now.