Kiss the Rain (Katharine's Lullaby)
The silent drops of water slid down the misty window just like the tears she had shed and tears that had left to fall. The air outside was warm even if it was riddled with the soft rain. It was only May and May showers were always the prettiest to her.
They reminded of Katharine of her beloved Spain. In fact, she always remembered that one rainy spring day in which she and her sisters had gotten caught under. They had played in the midst of the beating raindrops seemingly forgetting they were Infantas of Spain. They were just little girls at that point, smiling and laughing as their twirling gowns got soaked and their hair stuck itself to their bright little faces. Afterwards, Katharine remembered, they had played in the muddy puddles until their mother came and gave them a firm scolding. Still, they had enjoyed every minute of it.
Looking out her window, she wished for happier times. Those happy times when she had been young and in love, and Henry had seemed to love her back in return. Closing her eyes she could see his smile. That glowing smile he had given her when they had both been younger and happier together. What had happened to them? She liked to blame that Boleyn girl for his smiles lacking that sweetness they once held, but in reality, those smiles had left long before Anne ever showed up.
She opened her eyes to watch the droplets roll down. In that moment Katharine of Aragon looked like she had the sorrow of a thousand grieving widows etched in her face. Her cheeks in that shadowed light looked sullen and her eyes dull and dead. She wasn't the Katharine that had first arrived on England. She had been so full of life and promise then. Now, she could barely fathom what her future held.
She would lie awake that night. She could fathom that. She would think about him before dipping into a dreamless sleep. She would try to picture him being as in love with her as she was with him. Maybe, she thought, he had once loved me like I loved him now. But, how could that be possible, if he could barely even look at her now? That was Katharine's greatest sadness, knowing she had his heart, but yet, it was hollow.
She moved herself away from the window. It was just past the early morning and yet the clouds made it seem later than it was. She went to stand by the fireplace. The burning embers warmed her hands. When she finally felt warmth radiate through her, she walked towards the door, wanting to leave her chambers and walk out in the halls.
"Ladies," she told the women sitting behind her, "I wish to be alone, do not follow me."
"Yes Your Majesty," they responded in unison. None but Maria de Salinas, her most faithful lady, gave her a wary glance. She knew Catalina better than anyone else and saw that the queen was broken, and longed to have her distance. Once, a long time ago, Maria could have never thought that the King would ever even think to leave his once exceedingly beautiful wife.
But now he thought of leaving her, and Katharine had lost that youthful beauty. Giving her a nod Maria de Salinas turned and Katharine went on her way without company. Once outside in the large hallway that stretched far and well beyond many rooms, Katharine felt a chill of the past come back. It had seemed like only yesterday when she had first married Henry that radiant sun-filled day. It seemed like only yesterday there was complete love in his eyes when she held their first son before her poor little boy left her a failure in his eyes.
Walking mindlessly around the halls she failed to notice the many courtiers that were in shock over her sudden appearance. The queen rarely left her chambers now. Seeing her now was the first time in many weeks for some. Many thought the queen was brave. Others thought her foolish. But none could ever think of her as less deserving of the title which she held with great esteem.
But Katharine, lost in her thoughts, paid them no glance, no wave, or smile, instead the queen thought back to the earlier years in her marriage to Henry.
They would often walk these halls together back when they had been newlyweds. Lovingly he would whisper in her ear, and then when she fell pregnant that first time, he would carefully place his hand on her swollen belly as he face beamed a delighted smile over feeling the babe's strong kicks. Then after that first loss, her first stillborn, he had been the one to wipe her tears. And that had continued until after her last stillbirth.
Never again after that did he never ever bother to notice if tears streamed down her face. Even if he was still there, she felt so alone. She didn't have him anymore, not really anyway, even after all his promises of "never leaving her."
She walked around until she reached the door that led to the garden. The rain had stopped by then and the air had cooled. Katharine aching to feel the fresh air stepped outside until she was walking on the soft grass. She didn't care by then if her shoes dampened, or if the bottom of her gown muddied, she just wanted a peace of mind.
She walked over to the fountain and sat on the still wet edge. This garden was a still a secret to most people. It had been commissioned to be built years ago by Henry and practically given to her as a token of his appreciation to her. Only she would come now though. Henry had long since stopped visiting the rose beds and sitting by her at the fountain. Now, as everyone knew, the king spent all his time entertaining Anne in his rooms.
Katharine looked back at her reflection in the calm water. Nothing other than the grass being wet and her own damp sitting place could indicate that it had just finished raining. The water was calm and clear.
Her reflection was something she had not wanted to see in a long time. She knew what would be looking back at her. Her eyes, she observed, were heavy and her face was becoming flaccid. Only her lips retained a trace of youthfulness. She figured it was because she still had to wear a fake smile and that kept them looking plump. However, she thought, soon they would become like the rest of her, old and torn as she stopped wearing that fake mask of happiness.
"I'm not the Catalina I used to be," she murmured to herself, "He is not the Harry that used to be," she finished sadly.
She imagined him coming and holding her here by their once fountain. But as quickly as that image came it left her all too soon. All that was left of him was only a dim memory. That Henry that once was only existed in her dreams.
She must have stayed outside for nearly an hour just looking over at the roses and the dewy swaying grass before she felt a tiny splat of water fall on her nose. Then she felt dozens more start to fall over her head. A part of her began telling her to run back into the castle, another part begged her to stay.
So she stayed. As the rain fell lightly on her head she felt the Gable Hood on her head become increasingly heavy. She took it off and placed it on her lap letting her long, auburn hair flow freely as it used too. It took no time for the rain to make her gentle curls to become heavy with water. In fact, it took no time for the droplets to be sliding down her face and on her chest like tears. In little time her own tears began to mix with the drops of rain as she thought about the past she couldn't change.
Katharine couldn't do a thing to change the past and she had been foolishly to have believed that she could. She had to live in the present now. Katharine had to live in her current pain and accept it they way she had always done everything else, graciously and with her strong faith.
Deep down in her heart however, she always knew she would love him despite whatever he might do to her. It was because of this love she felt that she kept fighting for her and her daughter. He loved them too somehow, she knew it. They had been his whole world once, she remembered, surely those thoughts couldn't have evaporated away so quickly.
But, no matter what she felt or what he felt, she was still here in the rain mixing her tears with the water that fell from above.
The rain continued on for some good minutes, but, suddenly her crying ceased as the rain brought back the memory her and her sisters that one time in the rain. She thought about Juana chasing after Isabella through the small puddles that had formed. She remembered herself laughing at their antics most of all while she jumped up and down forgetting that her dress was brand new or that the braids in her hair had taken a long time to make. Then she thought about how Maria, usually serious and with a line for a mouth, had smiled as she had twirled around in that old blue dress. She thought about how she had felt that very moment years ago. And these past thoughts made her forget the present ones.
As she stood up, letting the Gable Hood that had sat on her lap fall to the floor, she decided that she, if only for a few seconds, would be like she once had been. Happy. She would forget her misery if only for a while. She would forget Henry, if only for a bit, and she would pretend to be that young Spanish princess.
Katharine began to twirl slowly and let the rain drench all of her. She felt the cool drops find their way on her shoulders and between the crevices of her hands. She relaxed her muscles slowly and started to let go of her body and began to slowly twirl around in her purple dress as she felt her heart get lighter and lighter. Her twirling began to be faster, her hair began to stick to her face just like that old day back in Spain, and her face began to smile. She felt corners of her mouth began to perk up before she found herself giggling like a little girl again. Just like that little girl who had once been caught in the rain.
She ceased to be queen in those moments. She was only a woman then, not a queen or a wife, just Katharine. She felt younger somehow and that would have been clear by all that would have seen her as life began to flow through her eyes. She raised her hands up in the air wanting to catch the raindrops in her hands and possibly hold a piece of these moments forever. She didn't even feel the need stop twirling even when she thought of the possibility of someone watching her.
She just kissed the rain as that figure of a sullen queen became replaced by the image of girl who had once been.
The End