Disclaimer: I don't own anything for one, and secondly I do NOT wish to offend anyone by my writing and I hope everyone can understand this is for humor and enjoyment nor am I trying to imply that these ideas are correct. I am just a kid who's got nothing better to do. Thirdly, I'm sorry this disclaimer is so long.
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What really happened to Jesus.
Jesus had just finished yelling at John "the Baptist", as he called himself, had just shot him in the face with a water pistol. 'I hate John' he thought to himself 'Thinks he's so cool shooting me with a water gun, Lord,that might mean me though, uh, God, no too formal. Dad, yeah, Dad please kill him!' Jesus walked a bit more. He thought of John and how he couldn't believe they were cousins.
Jesus returned to his clubhouse where some of his followers were trying to play Light as a Feather Stiff as a Board. He was almost to the clubhouse when some kid walked up to him, it was Fred the most obnoxious kid on this side of hell, "Hey Jesus!" He said, "If you're so godly why do you and your followers hide in a clubhouse?"
Jesus had heard this question a hundred times before, "Because, Fred, there aren't any trees here or else we'd have a treehouse, you imbecile!"
"pshh, whatever." Fred said as he ran off.
'He's just jealous because I have better hair than him' Jesus thought as he continued to his clubhouse.
A few minutes later Jesus came to the clubhouse. "Hey Jesus! Guess what!" Yelled one of his followers from his perch on top of the clubhouse.
"What do you want Rick?" Jesus asked in a slightly annoyed tone.
"You're stuck with it!"
Jesus could only stare, "Stuck with what?"
"I don't know." Rick said, "You're wicked smart, no wonder you're gunna save us!" Rick ran off to only god knows where.
Dad, where is he going? Jesus thought, he looked up to the heavens then went into his bright red clubhouse.
It wasn't a very big place, but you could comfetably fit about 12 people in the Clubhouse. Most of The Followers were men, of the 12 Followers there was 1 women, Magdelin, she was Rick's girlfriend. When Jesus had gotten to the Clubhouse there was only four people there, Magdelin (sometimes called Maggie), Tom, Viktor, and Damien. Tom was a short young man with a speech impediment and an obsession with maps. Viktor was tall and loud and enjoyed playing children's games despite being almost 45 years old. And Damien was about 20 years old and was obsessed with Jesus. Together, and with Rick too, they made up the Clubhouse regulars who had nothing better to do than hang about the Clubhouse and worship and play games.
"Hey Jesus?" Tom asked from a chair in the corner.
"How may I save you?" Jesus said jokingly, after he got over the immense terror of finding out he had to save everyone he took his job very lightly.
"Yeah, Fred said that you was a bastard 'cause your ma didn't marry god, I said he's no bastard you are, but I wasn't sure. Why'd god leave ya' on this planet with Joseph anyways?" Tom said as he got up and stretched.
"You're right." Jesus said, "My Dad, my real Dad not Joseph, did leave me on this Earth and left me with Joseph and Mom. And you know what else?"
"What?" Damien said from a chair they had suspended from the ceiling of the clubhouse.
"Mom hasn't seen one child-support check! Not one!" Jesus yelled.
"You should talk to him." Viktor suggested from another corner.
"I tried, he's not answering." said Jesus, he looked up at Damien, "Shut up." he said anticipating one of Damien's smart remarks.
"Jesus, don't be so bossy," Damien jumped down from the chair, "Just take it easy Savior."
"What did I say about using stupid nicknames?" Jesus asked leaning against a wall.
"Not to?" Damien answered unsurely.
"And is 'Savior' a stupid nickname?"
"Possibly, I'm not sure; I thought it was both cute and appropriate."
"I agree that it's both cute and appropriate." Rick said as he entered through a window.
Jesus was now ticked off, "Who asked you?"
There was a sudden very loud knock at the door. "Who is it?" Damien asked
"We're here for Jesus." Said a deep voice.
"I didn't asked what you wanted, only who you were." Damien said.
"It's the Romans." they said, "Jesus has to be crucified."
"Oh my gosh!" Damien yelled.
Good, maybe I'll see Dad when I die. "I'm ready to collect my child-support, I mean die."
"Jesus," Damien said, "I love you."
"See, I told you he was a fag!" Viktor yelled, "Twenty dollars Rick, give it!"
"Lucky guess!" Tom yelled.
"Oh, before I go." Jesus said, "Rick, your girl's got my baby."
"What!" Rick yelled, "You know what Jesus Christ, I hope you burn in hell!" Rick left in a hurry and went home.
"Thank you Jesus." Maggie said, "For getting rid of him, he's so clingy I do need my space."
"Good-bye." Jesus said as the Romans led him towards the crucifixion.
Jesus was glad to be out of the Clubhouse, which now seemed to be a house for wierd situations. He willingly was hung on the cross; soon all of his followers came and saw him.
"What are you doing?" Tom asked.
Jesus was angered by this question, "I'm having tea, what does it look like? I'm dying!"
"I was just trying to make conversation." Tom said.
Rick spoke next, "When do they drive the nails through your wrists?"
"Friday, Richard." He said in a nasty tone, "Shut up Damien!" he said before Damien could comment.
"We're going for coffee; you want us to get anything?" Viktor asked thoughtfully.
"NO!" Jesus yelled, "Now get out of here I have some thinking to do. Shut up Damien." The Followers left and the Romans came. They placed the thorny crown on his head.
The next day was uneventful, Damien had tried to make conversation, but Jesus was homophobic and sent Damien away. The next day the nails were sent through Jesus' wrists and feet. He soon died.
Jesus, that is his soul was now stuck in the crossroads between Heaven and Hell. 'Well, this stinks' Jesus thought as he started to "swim" towards Heaven.
There was a loud booming voice, "Jesus, Jesus, go to Hell."
Jesus stopped in a state of disbelief, "What? I did not come all this way just to get sent to Hell, no I need to see God, my Father, right now!"
The voice boomed again, "Jesus this is God, go to Hell and free your people."
"No, I have to talk to you and I won't take 'No' for an answer, and you have no power to send me there because I'm part "God" too."
"Fine, you stubborn fool, get here quickly and we'll have tea and discuss then I'll send you back to Earth and you'll be wicked cool."
"And?" Jesus asked getting very close to Heaven now.
"And I'll pay my child-support."
"Thank you, that's practically the whole reason I came." Jesus said as he reached the portal to through Heaven.
God was there to greet him when Jesus came. God looked to be in his mid-twenties and had dyed his hair blue, he had a crooked nose and wore combat boots and Wrangler jeans with a black leather Jacket.
"How are you?" God asked
"Dad, look at your hair, it's awsome!" Jesus said starting to get excited about staying in Heaven.
"Yeah, I know right." God said, "Oh, right, this is Gabriel, my personal assistant." He gestured to the young man next to him.
"Anyways," Jesus began, "Why did you leave me with Joseph?"
"I dunno. I was, like, going through a phase and, like, this kid, he was, like, a baby and I was, like, wasted, and I just, like, dude, Mary, have my baby. So I gave her you. How was I supposed to know this would happen?" explained God.
Jesus stared for almost two minutes, "You're weird.," he finally said.
"That's not the first time I've heard that." God said as he began to walk away, Jesus and Gabriel followed close.
They came to a large building, God entered, the two others not far behind. "So, Jesus, you want your child-support, eh?"
"Yes."
"Well, being, ya' know, God and all, I knew and I have the gold being imported to your house on Earth now."
"Cool, so can I stay here a while?"
"Yeah, whatever. Just tell me when you go back, OK, that way you can actually benefit from child-support and live again and just 'cause I like you and think you're a pretty cool cat, I'll forgive everyone's sins. You got all that, Gabe?"
Gabriel looked down at his clipboards, there was a picture of a moose driving a truck while an anvil was about to hit it, "Yeah, yeah I think so." he answered.
"Sweet." God said sitting behind a desk and spinning in the chair, "So Jay, can I call ya' Jay?"
"I guess so." Jesus answered unsurely.
"Gabe," God yelled, "Make a note reminding me not to call Jesus 'Jay'." Gabriel scribbled a picture of a piggy onto the paper. God leaned over hi desk and gestured for Jesus to do the same, "Did you know," he started, "That Gabe never really does anything useful he just draws cartoons all day?"
"Then why do you keep him?"
"I dunno, he's a pretty nice guy once you get to know him, but he's just not all there in the head."
Jesus stared at God for a moment. "What's with all the staring! Jesus, uh, Heavens, didn't Joseph teach ya' manners, you're so fucking rude! I should just hit you, but I won't 'cause I've got enough shit to deal with without you suing me."
"Well, I'd just kill myself if I had lived with you!" Jesus yelled.
"You couldn't have 'cause you were already dead, you stupid, rude, bastard!"
"I wouldn't be a bastard if you weren't so stupid!"
"Jesus, I'm documenting this argument," Gabriel said, "Could you repeat that?"
"You don't document anything, fag." Jesus yelled.
"Firstly, how did you know? And secondly, where did that temper come from, I know it's not God's? Thirdly and fourthly I do so document stuff around here!" Gabriel said, looking up from the picture of a toad he had drawn.
Jesus left the building in a huff.
"He's weird," God said as it got really quiet, "One minute he's eager to stay the next minute he's insulting assistants. No wonder they crucified him."
"He's got nice hair though." said Gabriel as he walked over to God's desk.
"Yes, that's true." God admitted, he got up from his chair and left the building with Gabriel following closely.
Jesus ran away for aloms ttwo days, what happened was; he left in a huff; then he went to one of Heaven's many fine beaches, where there was a concert going on; he met up with some people who took him surfing; there was a party that night and Jesus passed out for 24 hours; then Jesus accidentally went to an administrative building, where he found God(literally)and they had a brief discussion about what Jesus would do back on Earth and how he should act respectfully and not stare at people. Then Jesus was reincarnated, but after being on Earth for ten seconds a fiery arrow shot him in the face and Jesus died again. Therefore, God reincarnated Jesus again and this time he didn't die so quickly.
He went to the Clubhouse where all of his followers were just sitting around playing music and cheered for Jesus when he walked in. Jesus noticed that Rick wasn't there, but didn't like Rick anymore so he didn't care. Then he continued living in relative comfort for many years, but went to Hell for killing Damien (this happened about three years after the reincarnation.)
Hell, surprisingly is more pleasant than Heaven, it's warm and tropical, but the broiler room for the whole entire Earth which one must work neart wice a month isn't great. Jesus enjoyed many wild parties down there and, being the son of God, he got to visit Heaven whenever he wanted. He eventually lured God to Hell, where God stayed forever. Gabriel soon met Damien and they lived together for years until Gabe caught Damien cheating on him and they got into a big fight and never spoke again. No one know what happened to the other followers, but some say they went surfing on Heaven's beaches for all eternity. Jesus took over Heaven and made sure he kept gays out (because he was homophobic remember) and he eventually published an book called "My Life as a Sort of God-Like Figure." which was never too popular, but he did get a book called "The Bible" published which didn't fly off the shelves, but eventually became the second best seller in the whole world, right after "Harry Potter" of course.
And that is roughly what happened.
The End. (I hope it's the end anyways, I hope I didn't miss something because that would really be embarrassing. I so missed something, but I don't know what!)