Chapter 1: Doubt

Locus' eyes snapped open and a breath caught in his throat as he bolted up right. His skin was damp with cold sweat. Vivid images of carnage and war raced through his mind. His body trembled and a loud sob choked past his lips. He silenced himself by bring a hand up to his mouth. Hot tears welled in his eyes, but he willed them away.

With weak legs and trembling hands, he got to his feet and walked over the small, private bathroom of his quarters. The cold tiles of the floor stung his feet as he leaned over the sink, palms gripping the smooth edges as he stared straight into his reflection. His eyes looked tired and red for the tears he had nearly shed. Scars littered his face, each one a reminder of the battles he had fought.

Another flash of gruesome images passed through his mind, causing his stomach to lurch. His heaved into the sink with eyes tightly shut. He tried to force the images from his mind, but his stomach was empty before he could drive them away. Locus stood there, panting and dry heaving into the sink, shoulders slouched and his knees threatening to give out beneath him. He shuttered as he reached for the faucet with a shaky hand, turning on the water and washing his vomit away.

His eyes locked with his own reflection again as the sound of running water flushed out the deafening silence. He sighed and slowly reached up to his messy pony tail and carelessly yanked out the band that held it in place. His long hair fell over his shoulders and into his face. Locus brushed his hair back with his hand and stared down in to the sink, splashing cold water in his face before rinsing the bitter taste from his mouth.

With another tired sigh, Locus straightened up and shut off the watcher before turning to his private shower. It was small, but he did not need anything fancy. Not like Felix, who bitched often about the size of their private restrooms. Locus brushed that thought away when he turned on his shower and began undressing. When he stepped inside, the water was hot and stung his skin, but he did not care.

After cleaning up, Locus donned his armor and snagged his weapons from near his bed. It was only two in the morning, but he was use to waking up early by now (especially after the True Warrior test back at that Alien temple). If he was going to be awake, he might as well make himself useful and run through their attack plans again. If Felix were awake, he would likely tell him he was being too cautious, but that was the least of Locus' worries at the moment.

His mind was still abuzz with vivid memories of the war. Events that he would much rather have forget played over and over in his head as he tried to focus on the task at hand. As hard as he tried to force these thoughts away, nothing worked. He soon found himself feeling ill again. Thankfully his stomach was still empty from earlier. Of course working out any kinks in their plan became difficult with his mind elsewhere and his stomach feeling queasy, which was unfortunate.

"This is nonsense," he hissed to himself in a hushed tone, sounding more desperate than he would have liked. His foot tapped uneasily on the floor as he covered his visor with his armored hands. He slouched in his seat and shuddered as a new wave of memories began to haunt him. "Why can't I make it all just go away?"

Locus' stomach churned as memory after gruesome memory played through his mind. A voice in the back of his mind spoke to him as he tried to force the thoughts away again and again. The voice belonged to Agent Washington and it kept calling him a killer, a monster.

"God damn it," Locus barked, bolting upright and knocking his chair back onto the floor. He gritted his teeth and balled his hands into tight fists, glaring at the data pad on the table. Hot tears welled in his eyes again, but he refused to let them fall. He was a soldier, not a monster. At least that's what he had come to believe.

"You're just a killer."

"I am not," Locus growled, stomping his foot firmly on the metal floor. He realized he was talking to a voice in his head, but right now he did not care. "I am a soldier…"

"You're not a soldier, you're a monster."

"I am a soldier," Locus repeated, sounding more unsure than angry. He glared down at his feet. He wanted to lash out, but there was no one to lash out at. Agent Washington was not here and everything was in his head. His mind was working against him and he could not get work done like this.

"You are nothing but a suit of armor and a gun."

Locus sighed when he remembered those words he had been told a long, long time ago. He was not going to get anything done like this. Not with these memories and not with his stomach churning like this. He doubted he could sleep again, but he could go for a walk around the Tartarus. Hopefully these thoughts would go away before Felix woke.

Locus wandered the Tartarus for hours, trying to shake away the memories and the voices in the back of his mind. Unfortunately, he was unable to do so. By the time his lack of sleep began to catch up to him, Locus found himself staring into a full mug of coffee in the mess hall. Images of fallen comrades and enemies still flooded his mind. Worst of all, he could still hear Agent Washington calling him a monster over and over again. Coupled with the horrifying memories, the ordeal was quite taxing.

"Do you ever sleep," Felix asked with groggy, half assed snarky tone as he dragged himself in and over to the coffee maker. When Locus did not answer, Felix gave him a questioning look. "Hey, Locus? You there?"

"Hm? Yeah… Yeah," Locus replied quietly.

Felix could tell something was off, but at the moment he did not care. He filled his mug with coffee and sweeteners before joining Locus at the table. Felix sighed and kicked his feet up, resting them beside Locus. If Locus had been in the right state of mind, he might have cared, but for now he was more focused on the thoughts buzzing away in his head.

"You thinking about how we're gonna kill some rainbow colored pests today," Felix asked before taking a long sip from his mug.

Again, no answer from Locus.

"Hey, Locus. Snap the fuck out of it. You can't be all quiet and brooding when we storm Armonia today," Felix grumbled, nudging Locus firmly with his foot.

Locus sighed and turned his sights towards Felix. "Felix, we aren't even going to set foot in Armonia," Locus replied, a slight bite to his tone. "We're staying in the air and giving instructions while our men march in."

"What? Do you want to kill the General yourself or something," Felix asked with a raised brow. "Believe me, as much as I want to shoot that finicky bastard myself, it would be easier for us to just sit back and let the troops take care of him for us."

"What if our men are unsuccessful? What if we lose more men than we can afford," Locus blurted, slamming his mug down on the table.

"You sound like you're going soft on me, Locus," Felix snickered, letting his feet drop and leaning towards his partner with a smirk plastered across that damned face of his. "Who cares if we lose a few men? It'll just be less people to split our cash with. Besides, I thought you were a Soldier, Locus. Maybe that Wash guy was right about you-"

"You talk too much," Locus hissed. He then snagged his mug once more and stood from his seat. He would have his coffee elsewhere.

When their men were blown away by the explosion that wiped out all of Armonia, Locus regretted not being more assertive with his concerns. Perhaps if he had been able to focus earlier he could have accounted for such a possibility or could have distributed the men better. Maybe then they would have gotten to Doyle and gotten out before they were blown to hell. But he had not been able to focus and they lost a large portion of their men. Despite the key they gained, Locus began to doubt himself and he began to doubt his partner more so.

Felix's lack of concern towards their men became more and more alarming to Locus. Felix was completely willing to kill all of their men when activating the purge. Locus' weariness of Felix and his blatant disregard towards the lives of his comrades only caused the doubt within Locus to grow. When they failed to activate the purge and Felix dragged him along to exact his revenge, Locus had no shred of clarity left. He doubted everything. Was he really a soldier? What was the point in seeking revenge? What would any of this change? Why were they here?

When the Alien AI construct finally revealed to him Felix's worst fear, Locus finally gained some mental clarity. He was no soldier. He was a monster and so was Felix. Unlike Felix, Locus wanted to make things right.