a/n: a version of this is previously published on A03/tumblr, but this has been edited/extended (ish).

The Fight

Leia was hyperaware of Luke's presence in her apartment. She'd been relying on him heavily for the past few days, and her ability to place unwavering trust in him was the one thing that made all of this easier.

Curled up in a tight ball on the couch, a swath of self-heating cloth spread over her abdomen, she watched the news to see what she had missed in her absence, and listened to Luke talking softly but cheerily to Ben in the kitchen.

She could hear Ben's quiet laughs, and it relaxed her. The sound of his feet hitting the floor was soothing, if a little painful. She heard the water running, Luke loading the dishwasher, the sound of a com-link, then a quiet conversation. She closed her eyes, and when she opened them to a soft sound of rushing air, she found Ben standing in front of her, little and unassuming, leaning against the sofa with his face close to hers.

He held up a cup with a straw in it, a child-proof lid preventing it from spilling on her.

"Water," he said gently, using his whisper voice. Luke had been warning him to use a whisper voice all day, since this morning, when they'd left the Med Centre.

Leia lifted her head and took a sip, smiling at Ben. She leaned forward to ruffle his head, and kiss his temple.

"Thank you," she said sincerely.

Ben set aside his cup and crawled up on the couch with her. He gently climbed over her legs and perched himself on her hip. He wasn't too heavy at four years old, but she shifted all the same, favoring her ribs and her stomach protectively. She said nothing to him; he was comforting. He fixed his eyes on the holo, and then started playing with his mother's hair.

His eyes grew wide.

"Oh, Mama," he said, pointing at the being speaking on screen. "Look; Bacca!"

Leia smiled tiredly.

"That's a different Wookiee," she corrected gently. "See the dark red markings near his eyes? Bacca doesn't have those."

"Oh," Ben said, patting her head. "I love the Baccas," he confided in a hushed voice.

"Ben?"

Luke came into the room looking for him, frowning carefully when he saw him sitting on Leia. He approached, holding his hands out.

"Come here," he said, kind but authoritative, and Ben reached out for Luke to take him. "Hey, little guy, no sitting on Mommy, okay?" he said. He smoothed Ben's head down. "Why don't you give her a kiss goodnight. I think it's bed time."

He looked at Leia for confirmation, and Leia nodded. She sat up, and Luke crouched down so Ben could give her a kiss.

"'Night," he said pleasantly. He pointed to his cup. "You keep my water," he advised.

"Thank you," she said again.

Luke shared an encouraging look with her, and carried Ben off to bed. Leia moved her arm under her head on the armrest of the couch, turning her face into her elbow. Her head was killing her, and some of the vitamins she'd been given were making her nauseous and groggy. Luke wasn't gone long; Ben was fairly easy to get down for bed, and he seemed to recognize the need for solemnity even though no one had really told him what was going on.

She was watching the holo without taking any of it in when Luke sat a cup of tea down near her and then sat on the floor beside the coffee table, crossing his legs in that monk-like way of his. He faced her, clearing his throat gently for her attention.

"Han's almost back," Luke began calmly. "That was him, on the com-link."

Leia averted her eyes, and Luke leaned forward, resting his hand on the couch near her elbow.

"Leia, why do you have so much guilt over this?" he asked perceptively, his eyes soft and sympathetic. He could sense the emotion rolling off of her in waves, and even if he hadn't been able to sense it, he'd have recognized it in other ways - the specific questions she asked the physician, the wary dullness in her eyes, the tight pull of her jaw.

When his sister had clearly not wanted to discuss the issue, Luke had respected that, but since he'd come home with her this morning, he'd sensed tension in her and Han's home that he'd never quite felt before, and and it was lingering even though Han had been gone for weeks. It didn't feel right, and it worried him, because Han was coming home now, and Luke needed to know that things were okay between them. He thought Leia needed support, right now, not discord.

"Han's not going to blame you," Luke said earnestly. "This isn't your fault."

Leia shifted onto her back, her hand falling to her abdomen anxiously. She shook her head.

"Luke, this is what we've been fighting about," she said hoarsely, closing her eyes.

Luke's brow furrowed, but he stayed silent. How could they specifically have been fighting over – and what was there to fight about – ?

"You working too hard?" Luke guessed. "You didn't do anything different than you did with Ben," he went on slowly.

"No," Leia corrected edgily. "It's not that. Han was never - suffocating, anyway." She broke off a little abruptly, and swore softly under her breath. She closed her eyes and shook her head. "We've been arguing over it for a year. Having another one."

She shook her head again, her words trembling –

"I didn't want another one."

The words were so bitter on her tongue – well, you got what you wanted, didn't you, Leia?

"Ah," Luke said quietly, tilting his head. "Why not?" he asked curiously. "You and Han have plenty of money, you love Ben – "

"Yes, that's the point he keeps making: I love Ben," Leia quoted, her voice growing nasty. "As if me not wanting another baby means I don't love Ben."

Leia swallowed hard, swearing hoarsely under her breath.

"I do love Ben," she said, and the sincerity in her words, and her feeling, was so overwhelming Luke turned his head away for a moment to dampen his perception. "I feel like I'm drowning. It's not Han's fault, and it's not Ben's fault, it's that I already feel like I'm not a good enough mother to the son I have."

Leia licked her lips.

"And he's only one, and he's a good boy, but this is so hard," her voice wavered, pitching shakily, "I feel inadequate enough for Ben. Every move I make is so precarious. I feel like I'm raising him on a fragile scale, and if I mess up – if Han and I mess up – it all tips the balance, and he turns out like Vader – "

"Leia, Leia," Luke interrupted earnestly. He sighed, shaking his head. He took a deep breath, resigned. "I think you should have come to terms with Vader before you had a baby."

"I didn't have time," Leia reminded him hoarsely.

"I know," Luke agreed - he remembered the wild, chaotic weeks after the Battle of Endor; the desperate grappling to solidify power, to determine who their allies were, and where their enemies were amassing, and in the midst of it, Leia and Han, suddenly married in the shadows, Leia struggling to cope with a living accident.

Leia closed her eyes, moving her head back and forth – she'd been told numerous times that, due to the chemical exposure on the Death Star, she'd likely have trouble getting pregnant, but the real problem had turned out to be a hormonal imbalance so abnormal that the right birth control regimen was difficult to pinpoint, and it didn't always stick. It was why she'd gotten pregnant with Ben so unexpectedly, and it was why it had happened again, now.

"Han knows I didn't want another one," Leia breathed out wearily. "He'll think – I don't know; he'll think that I kept it from him on purpose."

Luke frowned.

"You're saying – does he know about the baby?" he ventured.

Leia turned her head, her eyes red, her mouth falling into a thin line, and Luke sighed, bowing his head.

"Did he know?" he asked, correcting his tense.

Leia shook her head, chewing on her lip.

"I didn't know," she said. "I found out after he left for Nkllon." She took a shaky breath, smiling grimly. "We parted on bad terms."

"I thought you and Han agreed never to part on bad terms," Luke said gently.

"We did," Leia confirmed. "But," she lifted one shoulder. "There was something wrong about the way we said I love you."

Leia compressed her lips - Ben had said an enthusiastic and heartwarming goodbye, clinging to Han's shoulders and chattering his ear off about ships and battles and Daddy, come home safe - and Leia had been quiet and reserved; a dutiful I love you escaping her lips to match Han's automatic I love you - they meant it, of course they meant it, but behind the sentiment this time was the promise that they were still at an impasse, still angry.

Luke nodded – he supposed he understood that sentiment; the wrong kind of I love you. If they'd been in the middle of a difficult period, and Han had to leave – well, without things completely resolved, it was hard to be purely affectionate.

"And you didn't reach out to him – ?"

Leia gave a harsh sigh, casting her eyes down.

"He was hurtling through hyperspace, and I was taking care of Ben and handling those refugee issues, and I needed time for it to settle in – and then," she shrugged; there was no need to tell Luke anymore, he'd been the primary caregiver for Ben while Leia spent time in the Med Centre.

Luke reached for her hand, squeezing her fingers, and ran his other hand over his jaw.

"Han's not going to think you did anything wrong," he said firmly, reassuring her. "Han's just not like that."

Leia tilted her head back against the pillow, saying nothing.

"Luke," she began. "You don't think the Force – sensed my reluctance – "

"No," Luke broke in, firm but kind. "It's takes an act of concentrated ill will to manipulate the Force in a way that ends life," he said. "It's a very deliberate act of aggression."

Leia breathed out, her eyes on the ceiling.

"You would've had to have wanted to kill," Luke said, "and no matter what you were going through, I don't think you wanted that."

"No," she agreed.

She cleared her throat.

"Was Han – " she began.

She was cut off by the telltale clicks of the apartment door opening, unlocking in the way it would only if the other authorized occupant was home. Leia swallowed the rest of her words, her eyes on Luke. He smiled at her and stood up fluidly, putting his hand on her forehead for a moment.

Han came around the corner, shedding his military jacket as he did – Luke was the one who had made contact with him even in hyperspace, and been able to get him to turn around and get back. A different general was replacing him in the Nkllon mission.

He barely spared a glance for his brother-in-law. It took him two strides to cover the living room, and he went down on one knee near Leia's head, putting his hand on her cheek, and moving it down her neck to her chest, feeling her feverish skin. He'd hardly been thinking straight since Luke called. He hadn't thought twice about turning around, and Rieekan had understood why he dropped out mid-mission. He knew no matter what, he needed to be home, and no matter what she said on this topic, or how many biting fights they had about it, she'd be hurting.

"I've got it from here, Luke," Han said gruffly, nodding at the kid – he appreciated everything Luke did, and he'd thank him better later, but right now his concern and attention were reserved for his wife.

Luke pressed his hand to Han's shoulder kindly.

"Hey, thanks, kid," Han said gruffly, his eyes on Leia. He ran a thumb over her jaw. "You mind keepin' Ben occupied for a minute, if he's still up?" he asked distractedly.

Han turned his head to nod as Luke stepped back and agreed, offering condolences – he swallowed hard; Luke's voice always sounded so different in person than it did over electronic venues, so different here than it had when he'd first called – Hey. Leia's alright, Han, okay? You need to come home, though. She had a miscarriage. I think she really wants you.

Han reached over her and rested his arm over her ribcage lightly, leaning forward to press his forehead to hers.

"I've got you, Sweetheart. It's okay," he said. He kissed the bridge of her nose, her eyelashes. "I love you."

There it was; the right kind of use of those words - real, and not obligatory; honest and heartfelt, rather than perfunctory and necessary.

Leia reached for his hand, her words stuck in the back of her throat. He pulled her into a hug, and tucked his head into her shoulder. Leia closed her eyes in relief – even if he hadn't said it, his presence would have soothed her. They may have parted on bad terms, but when he knelt down and looked at her, all of that animosity was gone, and he was purely concerned, and she remembered why it was always worth it to hang on even when they were fighting.

She curled her fingers around his wrinkled collar; she heard Luke go back into the kitchen, and then head down the hall to make sure Ben was still in bed, and to keep him from dashing straight out to throw himself at his father, if he'd heard him come home. Leia took a deep breath, clenching her teeth, and holding it. Han moved his hand up and down her back, loosening his grip incrementally. He pulled back a little and studied her expression.

"Breathe," Han muttered, running his thumb over her jaw again.

She relaxed a little, trying to let out her breath slowly. She squeezed her eyes shut and felt the irrepressible burn of tears; she hadn't cried at all, and Han was here now -

She brought her hand up, accidentally knocking his away when she wiped at her face, fervently trying to stem tears as they fell.

"I'm sorry, Han," she gasped, wiping at her eyes. "I'm so - "

He was shaking his head.

"Stop it," he said quietly. He shook his head again. "Don't apologize to me. S'not your fault."

She sat up, twisting her arm around his and holding them in her lap. She sat forward, her shoulders heavy, and bowed her head, squeezing his hand.

"I'm so sorry," she repeated.

Han shifted, changing positions and kneeling before her. She held her knees together tightly; he pulled them apart, moving between them, sliding his palms from her knees up to her hips and remaining there, holding onto her.

"Stop it," he said again, calmly. He took a deep breath, and hoped she'd do the same. "Sweetheart, this is not your fault."

Leia held her face in her hands, her elbows braced on her knees.

"You must think I wanted this," she whispered.

"No, I don't," he said flatly.

"I was so...adamant that I didn't want - "

"I know what you said," he interrupted sharply. He reached for her hands, and held them in his, palms up, between them. He ran his thumbs over her palms soothingly, thinking about their last arguments - he knew, better than anyone, how sure Leia was that she didn't want any more children, but he didn't think for a second that meant she was delighted to go through this.

He looked up at her.

"Are you hurting?" he asked.

"Physically?" she asked softly.

He pressed his thumbs into her palm - he thought it was a given she was likely hurting physically. It wasn't what he meant, and his pointed silence was all the answer she needed. She bit on her lip for a moment, nodding her head - yes, she was hurting; it didn't matter what she'd said anymore, she felt empty and she felt grief, and then she felt guilty, and selfish for that, because she hadn't wanted it.

Han brought her hands towards him and kissed her palms; he kissed the pads of her fingers and then let her hands fall and inched forward, placing his own hands on her hips again, resting his forehead near her bowed temple.

"Did you keep it from me?" he asked quietly, almost apprehensively, like he was afraid of what it would mean for them if she had - and he had a right to that fear; keeping secrets was ever an indication of a fracturing relationship.

She shook her head quickly.

"I found out two days after you left," she answered.

He nodded.

"I'm so sorry, Leia," he said gruffly, turning her words back on her sincerely.

She lifted her head, tear-stricken skin brushing roughly against his hair, and she tried to catch her breath. He pressed his head forward, against her chest, then against her abdomen, holding her hips in his hands. It made up for how alone she'd felt at the Med Centre - though she didn't blame him for his absence; he couldn't help it, and neither of them had any way of knowing what would happen. She reached up to thread her fingers through his hair, kissing his temple, closing her eyes in relief.

"You know," she said softly. "Han. Han," she whispered.

He sat back slowly, resting on his heels, still on his knees before her. She let her hands fall to his jaw, and then his neck, resting there apprehensively.

"You know when they told me, I just felt calm," she confessed hoarsely. "I wasn't ready. It's not what I wanted - it was like Ben all over again, except this time," she liked her lips, "this time I thought - well, I know how to take care of a baby, and Han wants this - so this is our answer. The fight's over."

She swallowed hard.

"I hadn't even thought about how to tell you, and I started bleeding - "

Han's jaw tightened. He stood up, bracing his hand on the couch to give him leverage, and sat down next to her, running his palm back and forth lightly over her thigh. He reached up with his other to wipe at her cheeks thoughtfully, and let out a heavy breath, his expression a little lost.

"Then, maybe this is the answer," he said delicately. "Wasn't meant to be."

Leia's face paled, and she leaned back, slumping against the cushions.

"So I win," she choked, her lashes trembling. "I get what I want. And the price for that is all of this," she gestured between them achingly, "pain." Leia tilted her head back, a mirthless, angry smile cutting across her face. "I didn't want a second baby, Han. Except I wanted this one, when I found out about it," she said - and it was the first time she'd acknowledged that wildly confusing fact out loud. "I wanted this one."

Han looked at her silently, his throat dry, and tight. He rubbed the side of his face and put his palm over his eyes for a moment.

"Sweetheart," he said haggardly, his voice low, and hoarse. "I spent the whole first night of this mission thinkin' I might've changed my mind about another kid anyway, 'cause Ben needs more attention," he confessed.

Leia closed her eyes. She bit back a sob. They fought about it; they had their opinions - she got pregnant, she changed her mind; he was off changing his mind - it was just a jarring symptom of how out of sync they'd been lately.

"I feel terrible," she gasped.

Han ran his hand through his hair, and held one arm out.

"Me too," he mumbled, and she turned, and curled up into his shoulder, drawing her legs up on the couch.

He put both arms around her, and rested his chin on her head, too exhausted to say much else. He felt guilty for all their fighting, and everything felt chaotic and cruel in the face of fate, and what destiny decided with things like this. He held her close and tried to convey how sorry he was, and how he didn't blame her; and he hoped she didn't blame him, or resent him.

He glanced over at a flash of movement; Luke was standing near the corner of the wall, giving him a wary look. He mouthed - Ben? - and gestured; Ben had heard Han's voice; he was itching to run out and tackle him. Han shook his head warningly - not for a few more minutes. Luke respectfully retreated, and Han drew back from Leia, clearing his throat gruffly.

"'M sorry I've been pushin' you," he said.

He was sorry he'd made her feel like she wasn't giving him enough, and he was sorry he'd made it seem like her not wanting another kid meant she didn't love Ben enough - he didn't need to outline his apology; she knew their fights better than anyone.

Leia lifted her shoulders. She sighed.

"I know I'm not relating to how you're feeling," she ventured; how could she, when she didn't have the desire for more children? "I never meant to make you feel like a bad father."

She was sorry she hadn't tried harder to understand why he wanted more kids - Han was a more carefree parent than her, he was less worried, less burdened by the spectre of his bloodline, and in fighting, there were times she'd implied he only wanted another because he didn't do any of the work, and it was so far from the truth.

"I think you're a good father," she said softly.

Han looked grateful; relieved.

"I know you're a good mother," he returned gruffly. He lifted his shoulders matter-of-factly. "I wouldn't have wanted to have more, if I thought you weren't good at it."

He looked at her a moment longer, and then sat forward, putting a hand on her cheek.

"Leia, you're good enough," he said hoarsely. "I know you feel like you're falling short, but you can't be perfect. Ben loves you. You're good enough."

She turned her head into his hand.

"I can't make sense of how I'm feeling," she whispered. "This...loss has hit me like a - I feel gutted," she admitted softly, "but I still don't think I want to do this again," she said, curving a hand towards her middle and letting it hover there. "Have another baby or, now that I know what this feels like...risk this."

Han tucked her hair back, his shoulders relaxing. He nodded.

"This fight's over, Leia," he said simply.

Her lashes fluttered, and she looked at him wordlessly; he just nodded - and he was resolved. He didn't want to go through this again, either - and suddenly, he was seeing with clarity that her feelings mattered more, as far as this went. It was far better to regret not having another one than to have one she regretted.

"It's over," he said again, conciliatory, and content. "We've got Ben."

Leia bit her lip, dipping her head.

"We've got Ben," she repeated.

She took a deep breath, and shifted, pushing her legs out from under her, and off the sofa. Her toes brushed the floor. She rested her head lightly on Han's shoulder, and was not quite sure if she felt better, or worse, to be at peace with him over something so wrenching. Would the peace last, or would discord crop up again? Leia closed her eyes - she feared her relationship with Han, sometimes; she was scared of how much she loved him, and of how little time they'd ever had together. By all official accounts, they'd been married for four years, together for five and a half, and that seemed like plenty of time - but four of those years, they'd also had Ben, and for 6 months of those five and a half years, Han had suffered, unconscious, in carbonite.

Their quietest, most precious time together had been the trip to Bespin, and it had been new, and fresh, and exhilarating. She still woke every day and loved Han, and chose him, and if he was still around, that meant he did the same for her, but she could feel so shaken every time they had a really bad fight, shaken into thinking - this is it, this is what will take us down, because we never learned how to be just us.

"Speaking of Ben," Han murmured. "He know what's going on?"

Leia shook her head.

"No, he just knows I've been sick, so to speak," she answered. "You should have seen him, Han. He's brought me water, and checked my temperature," she listed. She sighed quietly. "He's so sweet."

Han smiled.

"Yeah, I missed the little guy." He turned his head, giving a small whistle through his teeth. "Ben?"

It took mere moments for Ben to scamper in, and Han leaned forward with his arm up, afraid the four-year-old would pounce on Leia. Ben had remembered what Uncle Luke told him about not climbing on Mommy right now, though, and he stopped on his heels in front of the couch to instead gingerly climb up and sit between both of his parents, utilizing both their laps at once. He leaned back against Leia, letting her comb her fingers through his hair, and fixed his gaze on Han.

"You gotta come back early!" he announced, delighted.

"Mom says you took such good care of her, you don't need me around anymore," Han said seriously, reaching out to poke at Ben's ribs.

Ben hunched over, laughing, kicking at Han with his footed pajamas. Han picked up up and wrapped him in a hug, his hand on the back of the boy's head protectively. He held him close, and Leia rested her head on her hand, watching - and some of the weight, and the guilt, was lifted from her shoulders, because she and Han were at an understanding again, and everything was so much easier to bear when she and Han understood each other.

i actually only intended to extend this a little, but it ... took on a mind of it's own. because i thought we all needed to suffer, apparently.

-alexandra

story #331