Gold, Not God

by Trissy-Ri

After Johnny dies in the hospital, Ponyboy isn't sure if he can stay the way he once was as Johnny asked him. Soda, however, isn't having it and acts as a big brother should. When a certain Greaser starts opening old wounds for Pony, can Soda maintain his role as glue to hold his little brother together, or will the wearing and tearing soon result to nothing but tatters? (Slash)

1. Chapter 1

Gold, Not God by Trissy-Ri

An Outsiders Fanfic

The Outsiders is written and owned by S.E. Hinton; I just write what goes down in my mind. Enjoy!

Chapter One

"Promise me one thing—"

"Johnny, stop it—"

"Promise me…promise me you'll stay the way you are—"

"Johnny shut up. Shut up, don't talk like that—"

"You've got to, Pony."

The room, like a cup, fills to the brim with a heavy silence, the heart monitor beeping feebly. "Pony," Johnny clears his throat, finds a spot on the wall to not really stare at with glassy eyes. "Death is a part of life. Y'know…I heard that your life flashes before your eyes and crap like that, and I don't think you can really do anything about it. I mean havin' to see your entire life again—like living all over again—while you're dying," Johnny stops to laugh wryly. "It's pretty funny when you just think about it for a while."

I don't say anything and just look at him. He's all paling skin and protruding bones, a carcass puppet hung by the wires of life support. "Don't just look at me, damn it, say somethin'! I don't wanna die, Pony. I don't wanna leave you guys behind! Who in their right mind would—"

"Johnny, calm down—"

"I mean, why do I deserve this? I know I'm not that good of a kid, but still—"

"Come on, man—"

"Pony…Pony I'm scared. I can feel it. I can feel myself slippin' away at night when I'm supposed to be sleepin'. And I think the only reason I wake up is 'cause I've kept myself up worryin'. Many people think going in your sleep is a sound way to go, but to me it's always been scary. Your dreams turn into nothin' and you don't even realize it."

I'd never thought of it that way. "Johnny, you're gonna be okay. I promise."

He sort of scoffs, it turning into a sour chuckle. "So you can promise I'll live but not that you'll stay the same. You're not God, Pony. You're one letter away. G-o-L-d. You're not God, you're just gold."

---

And I wasn't and am not God. There was a call in the middle of the night, one that made Darry wake the entire house up—me, Soda, Dally and Two-Bit. "DAMN IT." Darry had slammed the phone down, nearly punched a hole clean through the wall.

"What—I didn't do it…" Two-Bit stirred in the arm chair groggily, and my head nearly collided with the coffee table as I sat up.

"What's the matter, Darry? Why you wakin' everyone up?" Soda yawned on the couch.

Darry didn't say anything at first, biting his lip and rubbing his hands down his face. His eyes caught mine and he sighed. "I—they—"He sighs again. "It was the hospital, and—they said…Johnny…" his voice cracked. He paced back and forth before stopping and staring out the window.

"Darry what you pokin' at now, man, come on—"

"DAMN IT; TWO-BIT ARE YOU STUPID OR SOMETHIN'? JOHHNY IS GONE FOR GOODNESS SAKE."

His voice shook the window panes of the living room, reverberated against everything on my insides. "What?" I barely said above a whisper. Soda looked back at me, and Two-Bit seemed to have woken up more, staring into his lap. Darry kept looking out of the window shaking his head and biting his lip.

"Darry…" I stood up and Soda grabbed at my arm.

"Ponyboy, hold on—"

"Darry, please tell me I'm still asleep," I shook Soda's hand off and stepped towards Darry who still wouldn't turn his head. "Darry, please…"

"Look, just stay calm," Soda said, "We all need to just go over to the hospital and—"

"And do what, Soda? Pick up dead flowers off the nightstand? Goin' over there ain't gonna do nothin' but hurt! Goin' over there ain't gonna do nothin', ain't gonna bring no one back!" Darry finally snapped, turning his head. Soda jumped and I stepped back. "Look, Pony, I'm sorry. We all loved Johnny like a brother, but he's gone." The words, they did something to me, cut but didn't sink in like knives usually do.

"Look, Darry, there's no need to be harsh to the boy," Two-Bit said. "Pony, it's gonna be okay."

I felt like I was going to be sick. Just promise me you'll stay the way you are. "No…" Pony, I'm scared.

"Ponyboy," Darry started.

"No…no…" I backed into the couch and Soda reached for me. "Don't you freakin' touch me. Just—no. Don't—why—I—" My eyes started burning and everything and everyone became blurry. "He can't leave me behind like that! I can't be here—I—" I could feel the tears trekking down my face, leaving a hot and itchy trail.

"Pony, don't now, come on," Darry reached for me, but I pushed pass him, darting up the stairs. I slammed the bedroom door behind me and locked it, collapsed on the bed and tried my best to disappear.

Promise me you'll stay the way you are.

You've got to, Pony.