Disclaimer.
It was hot in the gym, but cooler than the outside where the sun was beating down like the stupid fireball it was. The group of extraordinaires sat on the bleachers, gazing out in random directions.
"Ah, I'm so bored," Kise whined.
"Shut up, then," Aomine growled, taking a swig of Pocari. Like he wasn't bored too. The stupid copy-cat should just shut up and rest like Akashi told them to.
"No more practice for today. Or any extra practice," Akashi told them firmly, looking at all of them with those piercing eyes.
There was no arguing with that. If not, a pair of scissors might come for their eyes.
"Now, now, don't start fighting here," Akashi chastised like a mother hen. Not that anyone would call him that. Not to his face or even behind his back. He literally had ears everywhere and would know even the slightest rumor.
The two shut their mouths at that.
"I'd prefer not having any blood on the court," he continued. "We don't want to slip or get distracted and miss a chance of winning because of a blood stain, do we?"
Of course that was his reason.
"Oi, oi. Testu, come on. Don't play dead," Aomine poked at the small figure stretched out on a row.
"I'm not playing dead, Aomine-kun. I am dead. Practice was way too harsh," Kuroko replied, not moving an inch.
"Waah! Kuroko-cchi! I'll give you a hug! You'll feel better that way!" the blond came barreling towards the phantom sixth player.
"No one wants to be hugged by you!" the tanned teen pushed the other way from his shadow.
"What? That's not true. Kuroko-cchi wants to be hugged by m – "
"Please don't, Kise-kun. I'll die from you crushing me to death."
Kise skidded to a stop.
"Your bones can withstand immense pressure. I'm sure that you won't die from Kise hugging you, though I do agree that no one would want to be hugged by him," Midorima stated matter-of-factly. "Besides, Aquarius are told to be at their peak today."
He was ignored by everyone.
"I could crush you, Kuro-chin," Murasakibara offered.
"Please don't."
Kise sat down, dejected. "But if I can't hug Kuroko-cchi, I don't have anything to cure my boredom."
They were back at square one: boredom.
"Why don't… Tetsu tell a story or something?" Aomine suggested. Kuroko gave a slight frown, glancing up at Akashi.
"Kuroko-cchi's going to tell a story?" Kise looked up, eyes sparkling.
The others were immediately reminded of a golden retriever, loyally looking at its owner. Kuroko looked at Akashi again, this time seemingly pleading with the redhead.
Akashi either didn't understand the (barely) expression or chose to ignore it (most likely the latter) because, "Seems interesting, right, Tetsuya?"
The bluenet definitely frowned this time. "I don't want to, though. Please let me sleep here for a bit, instead."
"But Kuroko-cchi!" Kise complained, getting the go ahead from his captain. "You've already slept enough. Tell us a story!"
"No."
"Ne, Kuro-chin, tell me a story," Murasakibara lazily plodded Kuroko on the cheek, chewing on a piece of grape candy.
"No."
"Aquarius are told to be at their peak today. That also includes their creativity," the shooting guard reminded everyone.
"No."
"I said, it seems interesting, Tetsuya," Akashi mildly reminded. "Are you trying to disobey me?"
'Huh? When was an order specified?' the others thought.
"No, Akashi-kun. I was just saying that I did not want to tell a story for entertainment purposes," Kuroko blankly stated.
'That's the same as refusing,' the others frowned. What was with the light-bluenet? Kuroko always somehow managed to surprise them.
"I'll buy you a Pocari, Testu!" Aomine tried to bribe the boy.
"Bribing me will not work, Aomine-kun," Kuroko frowned. Only a bit but it was still a frown. "Besides, you've already bought me a Pocari."
The shortest boy pointed down to the floor, where his almost-finished Pocari laid.
"Damn, I forgot."
"Kuroko-cchi! I'll… give you all the hugs and kisses you want! Please tell us a story!" Kise cried, trying once again to hug the boy. He was quickly pushed away by the ace once again.
"It's not like I want to hear the story… but I'll bring your lucky item for three days," Midorima tried his two cents.
"I am sorry, but I really do not want to tell a story," Kuroko blankly refused.
"Kuro-chin, do you want a churro? It is cinnamon sugar," Murasakibara offered, already shoving one under the smallest boy's nose.
Only one though. The dozen that laid untouched in the packet were all for him, of course. Good thing he got a baker's dozen.
"No thank yo –wait, Murasakibara-kun, did you just say cinnamon sugar?" Tetsuya asked, staring at the purple haired giant with his blank eyes.
"Ah, yes. If you don't want it, I'll be eating this," Atushi chomped happily on the offered stick.
The rest of the Generation of Miracles went still – Kise stopped his attempts to sit closer to Kuroko and Aomine stopped his valiant effort to keep the blond away from his precious Tetsu. Midorima stopped pretending that he was above all this childish nonsense and wasn't actually enjoying watching the squabbling (and also helping the tanned teen in his defense by kicking Kise's outstretched hand towards Kuroko because what the hell, everyone just likes bullying Kise). Akashi actually looked up from where he was fascinated by a pair of red scissors to curiously scrutinize his faithful purple-haired follower before going back to his task and pretending he wasn't surprised for a moment.
"You're eating cinnamon sugar churros? Like the normal cinnamon sugar churros which was pretty much the original flavor? Normal normal cinnamon sugar churros?" Kise cried out alarmed.
"Yes… You're not getting any though, Kise-chin. They're mine," Murasakibara frowned, holding his food closer on him. "They were the only ones left at the shop. I wanted to get salmon and cheese topped with seaweed flavor."
Everyone gave a collective sigh, thankful that it was only because of circumstances and the world wasn't actually ending.
Kise ruined the brief silence by wailing, "But why does Kuroko-cchi get to eat it but I can't? Unfair!"
He was quickly shut up by Midorima who 'accidentally' threw a basketball to his face (he never misses).
The bespectacled man brought the attention back to the smallest member of the team. "What if I brought you the items for the whole next week then? Aquarius' luck is told to be down after this week."
The rest (except Murasakibara because he's lazy and Akashi because he's Akashi and was above this childish nonsense) joined in, giving out ridiculous offers such as a month's worth of 'Make Sure Kuroko Testuya Doesn't Die in the Bathtub' coupons.
Akashi stopped the commotion. "You fools! Of course petty bribes like that wouldn't work."
The Generation of Miracles waited for their captain to lash out at Kuroko with a pair of scissors to 'convince' him. Maybe threatening his family or delivering a speech about how he's absolute and thus always right and you should just bow down to me right now, goddammit!
Something like that.
The red-haired turned, "Tetsuya, I will be willing to buy you a vanilla milkshake if you agree to tell a story to entertain us all."
The cyan-haired looked up at that. The others went silent.
'Of course! Vanilla milkshakes! Why didn't we think of that?' they all face-palmed simultaneously.
"I am sorry Akashi-kun but I don't think that a milkshake would be worth making up a story just to entertain you all. Especially in this deadbeat state," Testuya gestured to himself.
It was like a tennis match. The rest of the team looked back and forth between the two, wondering what the captain would do and if the phantom boy could keep on refusing before getting stabbed fatally.
"…I'll buy you all the milkshakes that you can drink," Akashi offered.
Kuroko shot up, eyes lit up into stars. Everyone else could just see how much the boy planned to get out of the rich Akashi Seijirou.
"…but only for today. I'll buy you as much drinks as you can drink for today. You can buy another once you've finished drinking the first and so on, okay?"
Tetsuya deflated visibly, crumpling back onto the bench. After a moment, he sat up again with new determined resolve. The whole team could see that the boy was determined to drink as many shakes as he could.
"Okay, I'll make up a story to tell."
"Yay! I love you, Kuroko-cchi!"
"After we go to Maji's Burger and get my shake… And Kise-kun, I am sorry but I can't reciprocate your feelings."
"Huh? I didn't mean it that way, Kuroko-cchi!
"Thank you for the drink," Kuroko sipped the sweet refreshment.
"So, are you going to start, Tetsu?" Aomine asked impatiently.
There was brief silence on the other end. "I need a prompt."
Before anyone could say anything, Aomine blurted, "Women!"
There wasn't time to protest as the blue-haired nodded and accepted the prompt.
"What?! But Kurok – "
"That's such a stupid – "
"Ne, Kuro-chin, do one about foo – "
"No way! Wome –"
"Children, calm down."
All went silent.
"Should I start now? Yes? Okay, once a upon a time –" Kuroko started on his prompt.
"Oh come on! Be a bit more original, Testu! Start with something else," the tanned teen of the group insisted.
The shadow frowned at the light before restarting over. "Somewhere over the… rainbow of miracles… lived about 40 million to 1.2 billion people. They've lived there for their whole life, training for a very important mission in their life."
"Whoa, really? Is it basketball? Are they going to take on the NBAs?" Daiki interrupted again.
"No. It's a story about going a mission that they trained for their whole life," the storyteller flatly stated, daring any others to challenge him.
"Yes, continue, Tetsuya," Akashi stepped in.
"Yes. The men are all prepared to go on a specialized mission that only they can go on. No one else can go on the mission as they are not the right kind."
"Kind?" Kise piped up.
"Yes. They are not specially… trained for this. That's why. Continuing on before Kise-kun so rudely interrupted me," Kuroko went on, not caring of the giant arrows of guilt stabbing Kise over and over (and his wail of 'What about Aomine? He interrupted too!').
"One day, the mountain they were living in rose up, entering a dark, tight space. It was like a black hole swallowing the mountain whole."
"Mountain?"
"Yes, because they live deep in an open mountain, round with a hole on the top. They can come and go from this hole, though none has gone out."
"Eh? Why won't they go out? Isn't it lonely to stay cooped up in one area?"
"Kise-kun, please don't interrupt. I'll lose my train of thought" Kuroko reminded the blond once again.
"Ryota, if you don't shut up for the next 5 minutes, I'll have to use my scissors," hetero-chromatic eyes glinted ominously.
"Uwaah! So mean!" the model cried before clamping his mouth shut after seeing a pair of red scissors appear in his captain's hands.
"The space they entered was dark and moist, like a cave. It was tight but all the men in the mountain knew that they had to prepare for battle. They had to prepare for the worst because anything could happen during this mission. Their very important mission that they've been preparing for their whole life," the blunetsipped his milkshake.
"Wait a minute. Where's all the women? All I'm hearing is about men, Tetsu!" Aomine complained.
The shadow frowned. "Please don't interrupt. You'll see later on if you just keep on listening."
"The prompt was women! I want hot, sexy women with big boobs!"
"So vulgar," Midorima pushed up his glasses.
"Ne, ne, Aka-chin. Can I buy more snacks?" Murasakibara gazed out to the counter.
"Atushi, please wait and finish these snacks first," the redhead placed numerous bags of various snacks and sweets onto the table. "Anyone else who interrupts will be doing five times the training for a month, even on weekends."
Everyone else immediately went silent (well, except for the chewing of a certain purple-headed oversized child).
"Thank you Akashi-kun. As I was saying, the men prepared for their very important mission. They are prepared to go out of their mountain. As soon as the first one prepared to step out, they heard gigantic voices. It seems that someone above is yelling."
"Tetsuya, I do not think that something such as 'someone above' exists," Akashi frowned.
"I was merely talking about giants. The giants were being inconsiderably loud. The men who were on a mission panicked, hearing the great voices boom above their mountain and went into a frenzy, escaping out of their homes hurriedly. They swarmed into the cavern like a swarm of ants."
"Wait, wait, Kuroko-cchi! But didn't you say that they were really well trained? Why would they panic then?" Kise raised his hand like a child asking a question.
"Ryota, it hasn't even been 2 minutes yet. If you do it again, I can't guarantee that you'll get away unscathed," Akashi mused, twirling his scissors in hand.
"Eek! Yes sir!"
"Kise-kun, please don't question aspects of my stories and make plot holes. And Akashi-kun, may I have another milkshake?" Kuroko shook his now empty cup.
The Miracles looked at Kuroko in shock. How did he even finish it that fast? They weren't even past the intro yet!
"Wha – Tetsu! How'd you finish it that fast? You usually have no appetite!" Aomine cried in surprise.
"All right then, Tetsuya. Midorima, go buy him another one," the captain handed some money to the green haired.
The shooter got up from his seat on the edge and bought another drink.
"Thank you Midorima-kun."
Akashi silently started calculating how many drinks Kuroko will have ordered by the time the story was finished (including all the time from the interruptions).
"So all the men in the mountain went into the humid cavern prepared with all the gear. However, not even 20% of these well prepared adventurers made it past the front door. They were all burned and melted to death by acid that surround the front gate," Kuroko emotionlessly narrated.
"What?! They died?!" Kise cried out in horror, completely forgetting the warning from Akashi.
"Wha – Tetsu! If you're going to kill them of, do them in a cooler fashion! At least have a variety of methods. I mean, this is 20% of the… what was it again? 40 million to 1 billion people. That's… a lot of people," Aomine complained.
"Have some common sense, would you?" Midorima chided. "It's 240000000, providing that we're going with the number of 1.2 billion people. As expected, you can't even do a simple math equation"
'You have some common sense! Who cares about the number?! Kuroko-cchi/Tetsu's killing off people here!' Aomine and Kise thought (because really, Atushi doesn't really give a shit if it's not food and Akashi is probably proud of Tetsuya right now).
"All right. Some of the 240000000 people were burned with acid, melting into puddles of bubbly blood, bones, tongues and eyeballs. Others were simply beheaded by the front gate guards who had poured acid onto them. It was a massive carnage. Heads rolled off to the darkest corners and laid there forgotten. Eyeballs and guts were squished as their comrades ran past, intent on getting to the next stage. Someone coughed up clots of blood into the face of a guard, only to get squished up like a bug by the guard's giant hands. I'm pretty sure a lung came up there. The floor was a bloodbath and one had to be careful to not step on the puddles, less it be the acidic remains of their friends and the erosive fluid started melting them too," Kuroko rephrased his story in his deadpan voice, sipping his new vanilla milkshake calmly. "Once you've stepped on acid, you can't escape, you know."
"…damn Tetsu. I said make it a bit more creative, not tell us about your goddamn evil fantasies to murder everyone on the planet and write a book about it!" Aomine set down his teriyaki burger and looked at his shadow in new light. Who'd knew the little phantom could be this terrifying?
"Waah! What about their comrades? Aren't the rest of the 80% going to help them?" Kise asked worriedly.
"Kise-kun, sometimes, in life, it's every man for himself," the storyteller replied. It shocked everyone that the little phantom was saying something so… un-Kuroko-like. This was the boy who went on about teamwork all the time?
"Tch. Acid doesn't work that way, you know. It takes some time to eat away a person's skin. A bloodbath like that should not be over in a matter of seconds," Midorima corrected, fixing his glasses once again.
Midorima-cchi/Midorima! And how would you know how long it takes for acid to melt a person's skin? What exactly are you doing in your 'study time'?!
"Of course, forgive me, Midorima-kun. The battle didn't end in a matter of seconds. It was dragged out for quite some time and it was complete chaos as the rest of the men rushed past to get to their goal. Let's say… it lasted about 30 minutes to 45?"
Kuroko-cchi/Tetsu! Don't discuss this like it's a normal topic! And Midorima/Midorima-cchi! Why do you look so satisfied with that explanation? Akashi/Akashi-cchi too!
"Ne, Kuro-chin~ Can you add something about eating to the story? I wanna see something being eaten," Murasakibara requested, completely unfazed with the gruesome description.
How does you keep eating those, even though you just heard all of THAT?
"Of course, Murasakibara-kun. I'll be sure to include your favorite activity," the shortest of the group nodded.
"Yay~ Kuro-chin's the best."
"Continuing on," Kuroko went on, ignoring the outbursts of 'Are you going to create a massacre again, Tetsu?' and 'No Kuroko-cchi! Don't!' "The rest of the men on the mission went ahead to the next stage. They started trekking uphill, fine for a while. It was after a while that they start having effects of dementia. Some of them went the wrong way, getting trapped in small openings that they somehow miraculously, foolishly, in fact got into."
"How does that even work?! Tetsu!"
Aomine was shut up by a small frown and, "Daiki."
"More and more men separated from their original path, going off into dead ends that often had traps in them. For example, there was a group of men who turned right into a tunnel. They were soon killed when spikes protruded out of the wall an impaled them. There were no survivors. There was another tunnel that had a set of bombs that would go off if there were intruders in it. These bombs set off another set in another tunnel and both groups simultaneously died. Numerous of these infinite tunnels had guards, not unlike the triangle head guy in the Silent Hill movie that Aomine-kun made me watch and many of these specially trained men were beheaded, before get their whole skin ripped off." Kuroko paused in his relentless barrage of killings. "Should I continue? Aomine-kun is looking a bit green."
"Who wouldn't be?! You're even copying off gruesome killings off horror movies! You've made me lose my appetite, Tetsu! I'm gonna be sick," Aomine covered his mouth.
"Kuroko-cchi! How mean, killing off all of those men. Do you have a grudge against men or something?!" Kise huddled in a corner of the booth, staring at the expressionless blunetin fear.
"Hmph. Kuroko, are you sure that these men were specially trained. Or even trained at all? They seemed awfully unprepared," Midorima pointed out, absently undoing and redoing the tape on his hands.
"That's not something you should be noticing right now!" Kise and Aomine snapped.
"Maybe their mission is to suicide?" the basketball shooter continued his train of thought.
"Please don't poke plot holes like Kise-kun. If there are any complaints, please direct them to Aomine-kun, as he was the one that requested this story and gave the prompt," the phantom sixth player paused from his sipping of his third milkshake.
"Ne, Kuro-chin. What about the eating? You still haven't included it in your story," Murasakibara nonchalantly mentioned.
"Right. As the team progressed, there were more severe reactions to the dementia. Those who were affected started going against the others. Many of the unaffected died, also taking down the demented. There were many cases where the demented went 'starving' and proceeded to eat the flesh and guts of the dead. The blood and gore dripped from their mouths and many of them were shot dead by their own comrades as they got terrified," the disappearing boy imperceptibly nodded himself, pleased with his narrating.
"Murasakibara-cchi! Look what you did with the suggestion! Waah! I'm going to have nightmares of demented men trying to eat my beautiful model face!" Kise cried out big fat tears.
"Tetsu! Don't you think that's going a bit too far?!" Aomine slammed his large hands onto the table, almost squishing his 7 leftover burgers and rocketing Midorima's fries into the air.
The purple-haired player grabbed them out of the air before they even had the chance to go to their highest height and shoved them in his mouth, munching away, despite the fact that he was already eating chocolate covered raisins. All the other Generation of Miracles stared at the oblivious man smacking his lips for more taste.
"Atushi, chew a bit more quietly," Akashi at last reprimanded.
"Yes ~"
"Aomine-kun never specified what kind of womanly story I should make up about," Kuroko defended himself, getting up for another milkshake.
IT'S NOT WOMANLY AT ALL!
"That is true, Daiki. You don't really have a say in Tetsuya's story anymore. The story's fine," the redhead reminded the tanned teen.
'Of course you'd think the damn story's fine! It involves men getting killed in the most torturous ways possible! What did you teach Testu during that time of 'nurturing your misdirecting skills'?' Aomine thought vehemently, though he'd never dare to say that to his captain's face. Who would?
"I'm back," the shortest male stated as he appeared out of nowhere, sipping another vanilla refreshment.
"That's faster than what you'd usually take," Midorima noted.
"There were no other customers so it was easier to get the barista's attention. And where was I?"
"Cannibalism," Akashi quipped.
"Ah yes. Did you like that part, Murasakibara-kun. It had eating in it."
WHO'D LIKE SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
"Hmm. It had eating but it wasn't eating snacks so it was okay," the tallest player scratched his head absent-mindedly.
THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?
"Okay. Now then, let's continue."
"Goddammit, how long is this going to take, Tetsu?"
"Aomine-kun, you can't rush great pieces of work. The men got to the next stage where the dementia wasn't as strong. Some still trailed off and got exploded/impaled/beheaded but the rest still bravely marched onwards. The next obstacle was – "
"Ooh, ooh! Let me guess! Is it… cooking? Or building a campfire and bonding with marshmallows? Or maybe even doing crafts to improve friendliness?" Kise waved his hand around excitedly like a child with who knew they had the right answer.
"You stupid copycat! Have you not been listening to the story?!" the tanned teen of the group smacked the model's head.
"Waah! Ahomine hit me!"
"Oi! Don't call me Ahomine!"
"Ahomine, Ahomine, Ahomine!"
"Why you – Dumb blond!"
"Wha – you – "
The squabbling was silenced by a small cough, coming from an irate looking Kuroko (as irate as he could look with his limited expressions).
"Tetsu, I didn't – "
"Kuroko-cchi! Don't get mad! That A –"
"I shall continue the story, Kise-kun, Aomine-kun. Please don't interrupt and sit down quietly like the others are." Which was actually a lie since Murasakibara was chewing loudly, Midorima was mumbling something about Oha Asa horoscopes and Akashi was… well who knows what he was doing but he seemed to be muttering things under his breath. And knowing him, it wouldn't be nice things either. Maybe a plan kill a person in the most un-noticeable way possible. Or just stabbing people with scissors.
"The next obstacle wasn't bonding time with each other – though I do kind of want to tell a little scene about some of the men going insane and cooking their teammates – it was to climb up a waterfall since they're heading up. The men started getting their equipment out, preparing to climb the slippery wall behind the giant waterfall. However, it wasn't easy to go through the water. Many men died from the immense pain of getting their private parts bit off by piranhas. Other were chomped in half by alligators, crocodiles or even trampled by a herd of wild hippopotamuses nearby."
There was a minuscule pause.
"And pythons also squeezed some of the combatants to death," the bluenet added as an afterthought.
"Don't make it sound like you're just trying to just find more ways to kill off people!" the dark-bluenet screeched at the pass specialist, which he passively ignored.
"Many succeeded in surviving through the water and climbed the wall, only to slip off when they misplaced a hand or a foot. Their equipment wasn't strong enough to hold them as they fell down to their doom, many breaking limbs and cracking heads against the jagged rocks below."
"Wait, wait! I didn't hear anything about jagged rocks!"
"Kise-kun, please don't interrupt. If you didn't hear about the jagged rocks, they died on impact against the harsh, freezing water because gravity was a bitch and the rate of acceleration was too much for their bodies to handle."
"They died either way, didn't they?" the only other sane person objecting the murder story groaned into his hands. (Or maybe he's not sane either. After all, he's in the Generation of Miracles. And the ace, in fact.)
"Maybe they're all Taurus. They're told to have bad luck today," Midorima gave his input.
"It wouldn't matter if they're all born in May or born in September! They're on a suicide mission!"
"Hmph. You've obviously never experienced the true power of Oha Asa. Anything Oha Asa says will come true, unless you have your daily lucky item like me," the green-haired sneered at the tanned teen, patting his hot pink stuffed dog, complete with a ridiculous green collar and a mechanism that'd let out 'I love you!' when pressed.
"Let's just please get back on track with the story," the phantom player spoke up. "Only a handful of the original group of people survived the ordeals so far. The rest went ahead, dead bodies lying in their wake. They took no notice of tunnel becoming smaller and smaller. When it became too tight, some of the fatter ones in the front burst because of the compression. Only the thinner ones survived."
"Now you're just making up ridiculous ways to kill them all off. I bet the story's going to end with everyone dying," Aomine complained, regretting that he spoke up with the idea. Tetsu was evil! An evil, evil, little cyan-haired blank-faced phantom.
"Ne, Kuro-chin. This is getting boring. Is there a prize at the end?" Murasakibara asked, already three quarters through munching his numerous bags of snacks that he brought.
"Yes, there will be a prize," the pass specialist nodded.
The giant paid no attention, already drooling. "Maybe it's the limited edition of Lays cinnamon-bun with raisins and cream cheese potato chips. Mm~"
The other Miracles blanched in disgust at the mentioned flavor.
"After the smaller ones got through the tight, blood splattered tunnel, they arrived onto a circular stairwell. There, many of the leftover men decided to sop and stay there, just in case the ones advancing forward need a backup. Half of the group went up the stairwell."
"You know… Murasakibara-cchi's kind of right. This is kind of getting boring," Kise commented.
"Would you like me to kill the first group off and roll them down the stairs like bowling pins? I could set up some traps on the way," the light-blunet offered.
"Ah! No, no! That's not what I want! I meant, that it was a change of pace that they're surviving and half of them are not dead! Please don't kill them off after having them survive everything!" the blond model waved his hands frantically.
"Maybe make up some names. A story is always better with names," Akashi suggested, writing something on a thick stack of paper that he procured out of nowhere.
'Was… was he really doing paperwork right now?' the rest of his team thought.
"Okay. The men went up one by one. The last one in line shall be named 'Steve'. Steve pitifully dragged himself up the spiraling staircase. He was tired and worn out, more so than the others because he was a pitiful man with no actual strength and only managed to survive all the way here by pure luck and because he used some of his dead friends as stepping stones when he crossed the river to climb up the waterfall."
"Is it just me or does it seem like you hate Steve?" Aomine frowned at the description.
"Steve must be a Capricorn. Aquarius and Capricorn are said to be on odds end today," Midorima nodded as he double checked the day's horoscope on his phone.
'No one cares about his horoscope! Steve doesn't even exist!' Aomine internally thought, flabbergasted at the green haired man.
"Actually, Steve was born March 18th, not in January," Kuroko challenged the prim-and-proper man's thoughts.
'Why are YOU trying to start an argument with him? Why did you give Steve a birthdate if you hate him so much?'
Aomine sighed. Was he the only sane one in this? Kise was dramatically crying, dabbing his eyes with grease stained napkins because little Steve was just so pitiful and what did he do to get Kuroko-cchi's hatred, waahh! Murasakibara is still eating like nobody's business. Tetsu's still telling that god awful story (and still drinking after 8 milkshakes, but who's counting, right?). Midorima's sprouting nonsensical philosophy from Oha Asa – which isn't even true, goddammit! And Akashi's doing paperwork like this gathering was a completely normal thing with Kuroko being an evil, storytelling bastard!
Midorima remain oblivious to the discomfort of the ace of the team. He nodded as if confirming something. "Pisces are also told to have some disagreement with Aquarius."
'Again, no one cares!'
"After Steve finished climbing the stairs, he saw the rest of his group standing at a crossroads. After some arguing, they decided to take a chance and split up, half going left and the others going right. Steve the useless went right. It was quite a walk, though much shorter compared to the rest of the journey, but they reached the floating Egg. They cried tears of joy when they guessed right at the crossroads and found the prize. They could now fulfill their mission that they've trained all their lives."
"Ah, a floating egg… is it boiled? A chocolate Easter egg? Or is it just a raw egg that you can make a chocolate and cheese omelet with?" Atushi perked up at the mention of food.
Kise tilted his head. "Egg?"
Aomine frowned. "Is this some kind of supernatural stuff? It's a bomb egg isn't it?"
Akashi paused slightly in his accounting, before the scratching against paper continued.
Midorima paused before going for his phone to check what his horoscope said about eggs.
"Yes, the Egg. The Egg that'd let them fulfill everything that they needed to do in their life. The wonderful, perfectly spherical Egg that was specially placed in the middle of a glass case like they do in museums with many high technical traps that were inconveniently and inexplicable placed there by feminists who doesn't want the specially trained men to succeed. "
'What kind of egg is that? Maybe a jewel sort of thing?' Kise thought to himself.
'Are you kidding me?! More traps?! It's defiantly a bomb. It's defiantly a bomb. Tetsu's just going to make them all explode. They were all on a suicide mission. I just knew it,' Aomine frantically thought. 'And maybe Tetsu should stop drinking those shakes. I think it's having an effect on him if he's talking like that…."
"The rest of the men all charged to the Egg. Steve was a little slow and lagged behind. The first one got electrocuted and died. However, he disabled the first trap. The second one melted in acid. The third got hit by arrows in the head, knee and heart. The fourth got hit by an icy splash of water and froze to death after an unfortunate wild wind fl – "
"How many people do you have in that measly group?!" Aomine exclaimed.
"I'm surprised this many even came until here. I thought only a handful would be left…," Kise mused.
"-ew past. The fifth was pierced by ice spikes that dropped from the ceiling. The sixth was – "
"Like I said, all of them except Steve were probably Taurus. They're bound to have immense bad luck today," Midorima patted the stuffed pink dog in his lap, much like an evil villain with a cat. "Also, you've already pierced the third one."
'Who remembers stuff like that?!' Aomine stared at his superstitious teammate.
"No, no, Midorima-kun. This one was stabbed by ice spikes from above. The other one was shot by arrows from the side," the little phantom shook his head, correcting the mistake.
'And why are you responding to him about THAT? No one cares anymore, you know, after you ruthlessly killed of the majority of people, Tetsu!'
"Right, right. My bad."
"Anyway, the rest of the men died, disabling one traps after another. Their last message was 'Finish it, Steve!', spoken in that voice in that game that Aomine-kun plays. Mortal Combat, was it?"
"Mortal Kombat. With a 'K'," the light corrected automatically.
"Right. After that voice randomly came out, only Steve was left after everyone else died for his sake. He cried and went towards the Egg, the path cleared of all the traps. He reached up and touch the Egg… and was sucked in completely. After his whole body went in, he spontaneously combusted, splattering the clear walls with blood and gore. The Egg pulsed happily, before starting to float down the path. It –"
"What the actual fuck, Tetsu?! The man just spontaneously combusted?! And 'The Egg pulsed happily'. How the fuck does that fucking work?!" Aomine cussed like a sailor, fed up with all the unpredictable bumps the story was hitting. He really should've been doing this earlier on during the story, though.
"Language, Daiki. There are kids in the shop," Akashi looked up from his work, focusing his eyes on the ace.
"Waah, Kuroko-cchi! You didn't have to kill off Steve! He was the only one with a name!" Kise cried again. Seriously, does he not run out of tears?
"So it wasn't a chocolate egg? Or an omelet?" Murasakibara pouted disappointedly.
"Oha Asa was right. Pisces should be cautious around Aquarius. But did Steve listen to me? No. He gets what he deserves," Midorrima pushed his glasses up.
'What part of spontaneous combustion did Steve deserve? He didn't even do anything!' Aomine disagreed with the logic.
"Please let me finish the story. It is not done yet and I know many people hate cliffhangers," Kuroko interrupted through the mutterings of everyone (except Akashi because he doesn't mumble. He boldly declares his words to the world, even if it's his intentions to kill someone with water torture.)
Once there was a silence, the cyan-haired resumed the epilogue of his story. "Like I said, after Steve spontaneously combusted, the Egg pulsed happily and started down the path. When it reached the crossroads at the top of the staircase, it went through a secret tunnel that lead up, where there was fresh air, birds chirping and all things glorious. The Egg went to the middle of all of it, where there was a clearing made specifically for it. It laid down and prepared for its birth, hibernating for 9 months before it could be born and brought out of the cavern and into the real world … and quite possibly start the apocalypse. As for the rest of the men who went left and stayed as backup, there was a terrible flood as the Egg went into its secret tunnel imaginary world. The rest of the unlucky men all drowned and all the dead bodies, including the ones that died before, were flushed out of the cavern into the space where they spontaneously evaporated into water vapor. Thus the story shall now end, with no more chaos until the Egg is born… but that might be a sequel."
A stunned silent audience looked at the phantom player. A sequel? There was going to be a sequel of this blood-soaked, gored, mutilated, horrendous, and stabbed multiple times with a butter knife, gorged out with a plastic spoon of a story? Is he for serious?
These thoughts were interrupted by an exclamation not unlike 'Erueka!' (though it was less significantly important and you know, no bathtubs and nakedness) from Aomine. "I knew it! Not one of them survives!"
"I never said anything about any of them surviving, Aomine-kun. That's what you assumed on your own," the sixth player of the Generation of Miracles objected indifferently.
It didn't really help the newly formed image of Kuroko being the next cold hearted psycho evil mastermind who killed with all the indifference in the world.
Akashi cleared his throat. "Tetsuya, I don't think you should be drinking any more of those. They're bound to be bad for your help if you drink over 10 a day."
'How is that related to what we're talking about?! …wait, over 10?! How the hell did Tetsu manage that?! And what's more, how did he finish those without us noticing?' Aomine started bug eyed at the pile of drinks on their table. 'And Akashi actually managed to keep track of it?'
"Waah! No, Kuroko-cchi! You'll become too bloated and float away with all that liquid in your tummy!" Kise had once again made a ridiculous statement.
Murasakibara stared at the phantom player with a strange expression. "Good job, Kuro-chin." He ruffled the smaller's hair. "So tiny ~"
…wait, was the giant child impressed by Kuroko?
Kuroko moved a little way out of the giant's hand, his hair almost looking like a bedhead. Almost. Nothing beat's Kuroko Tetsuya's natural bed head. Nothing.
"Hmph. Only you guys didn't notice him finishing a drink after another."
"Yes, thank you for getting up to get me a new one every time, Midorima-kun," Kuroko nodded in thanks.
'WHAT?! How did we completely miss that?!' Aomine personally blamed the outrageous story his partner cooked up.
"It's not like I was doing it for you," the green-haired blushed.
"Wait a minute. The whole fricking story didn't have anything to do with women at all! Nothing! It was just about a bunch of guys getting killed off while on a random adventure and in the end, some guy gets exploded and the rest drowned. There wasn't even a cameo of a woman!" Aomine slammed his hands on the table and stared accusingly at his shadow.
Kuroko sipped his 14th vanilla milkshake before calmly replying with, "That… was a heavily fictionalized fabricated version of the process of fertilization with a lot of improvisation. All information was from the video we watched in science class."
…
"EHH?!" Kise drew back in surprise.
"What the hell do you mean by that, Tetsu?!"Aomine was truly puzzled, his brain not comprehending the words.
"…how drastically different from the original version," Midorima blushed a little at the thought of fertilization.
Murasakibara paused in his continuous chewing, tilting his head curiously. "Fertilization…?"
Even Akashi blinked at the sudden reveal.
"Does it not take a woman and a man to complete the process of fertilization? Aomine-kun only asked for a woman, not a specific type of woman or story. It was even based off true facts so it's beneficial for your knowledge."
"Wait, wait! So does that mean that all the men that were killed off were… all…," Kise trailed off.
"Yes. Steve's actual title would be Steve the Sperm," the phantom player nonchalantly threw the bit of information out there.
"WHAT?!"
"Wait, wait. Would that mean that when they were first delivered into the cavern, getting out of the mountain, was actually… the scene where…." Realization drew in ace of the team's eyes.
"Yes. It's surprising that Aomine-kun could actually realize something in the story but then again, not really, since it's that part."
"I thoug – wait a minute. Tetsu! Did you just insult me?! I am not just a – "
"Well, the information and scenery is technically correct, just heavily fantasized and exaggerated. It is correct that 20% of the sperms die upon entrance because of the high acidity at the… entrance," Midorima recited.
"So the Egg wasn't a chocolate egg but an actual egg?" the sweets loving player frowned.
'Are you really still going on about the chocolate egg?!' Aomine cried out in his head.
"Yes, that is correct."
"Well then, that was an interesting story. I have it all recorded, of course," Akashi pocketed his phone. "I'd have to edit out all the talking to just get the story version but that can be done with a few simple touches."
"EH?! You recorded it?!" Kise couldn't believe that Akashi would record a story. A really poorly told story with a lot of run on sentences. Told by a blank faced person who decided kill off everyone in a deadpan voice.
'Of course you'd record this. Only you would have a pre-recorded bloody, gory story that you can tell your future children as bedtime stories,' the tanned teen of the group snorted quietly.
"It is the first time Tetsuya told a story for us, no? It is a precious memory to treasure," the redhead smiled faintly. "If you want a copy, you can ask me."
"Who'd want a copy of that horrendous story?!" Aomine cringed at the thought of him listening to Kuroko's voice, telling the heinous story.
"It's surprising though, that Kuroko-cchi can tell a story like this, based on that and not get embarrassed."
"That's Tetsu for you. I'm more surprised that he can finish 14 milkshakes in only about 2 hours."
"I'll surpass the limits if it's for something that I love."
'Drinking milkshakes is not really what you should be working on,' Aomine objected in his mind, remembering all the times the phantom sixth player fell asleep during training.
"Well, what's done is done. It is almost dark. We should head home soon," Midorima stated.
"I wonder what's for dinner ~" the purple haired player started drooling when he thought about the upcoming meal.
"Well, then, let's go, everyone," Akashi stood up, leading them out of the restaurant like the captain he was. "Remember, if you want a copy, ask me over the phone or just email me."
"Like anyone would want that!" Aomine repeated.
"Oh, and Daiki and Ryota, you're doing extra practice for a month because you guys interrupted too much."
"WWHHAAT?! WHY, AKASHI-CCHI?!"
"And Daiki, I don't mean practice matches. I meant running laps, doing push-ups, sit ups and the like."
"ARGH! DAMMIT AKASHI!"
"Did I hear something, Daiki? And you're paying for Tetsuya's daily milkshake after practice."
"Ugh… don't I already pay for his drinks daily?"
"…You can always ask me for the recording anytime."
"I TOLD YOU! WE'RE NOT GOING TO ASK!"
Despite what he says, Aomine is the first one to send an email to his captain asking for the recording. Everyone bar Kuroko asked.
First KnB story. I hope most of them were in character. I know that Kuroko wasn't but that was on purpose. This is a crack fic after all.
I got this idea in science class. We were watching a video about the process of fertilization and literally everyone in class was sleeping but after hearing the voice go on and on about the dangers and how hard it actually was to get pregnant...so basically, everyone was sleeping in class but I was literally freaking out about think how cool it'd be to write a fic about fertilization disguised as a deadly adventure. And then one thing led to another and I started thinking about how awesome it'd be if someone that you least expected told the story and I just got addicted to KnB... so yeah. This came out.
Murasakibara and Akashi didn't really get much screen time as I'd liked... I like Murasakibara a lot but his name's really long to type and yeah, I'm not really good at portraying his character yet. I thought Aomine and Kise might be a tad OOC too... but I needed people who actually would react and I have no idea how Midorima would actually react...
This turned out more gruesome than I expected. I was hoping to write, you know, trials and errors and how some men failed and maybe a heartwarming story about teamwork and how many die in the process etc but it just turned out to Kuroko being the next George R.R Martin. Not quite sure how Kuroko didn't need bathroom breaks in this... or how much he drank. I need at least 20 minutes to drink a shake.
Maybe I should've named this Kuroko's Sex Ed... but that would've given the whole story away. If anyone who read this has not gone through sex ed, which I highly doubt but just in case if you haven't and is nine years old, please don't take Kuroko's Sex Ed as literal. The sperms do not really eat each other or there are no tiny wild animals living in vaginas. Do not go asking your parents about whether or not there are Silent Hill men beheading sperms down there. Oh and practice safe sex.
Enough of me rambling. Thanks for reading and hoped you enjoyed it!