By Hurting You
It had been years since she'd been on the other side of the well. She'd walked away, despite Inuyasha's hurt voice calling after her, telling her how proud he was of her, begging her not to leave. But she'd made her decision the moment he'd turned to go to Kikyo.
Kagome hadn't been experienced enough to do more than get Shippo out of Naraku's attack. The kitsune had been severely injured because Inuyasha had gone to Kikyo instead.
Inuyasha had made his choice, and Kagome knew it wasn't fair of her to stand in his way.
She couldn't stand the pain of it anymore, loving him while he loved another. It had all become too much. So, she said goodbye to her friends, intending to take a short vacation from the situation, and never realizing that it was her last trip through the well. With Naraku's defeat, the well closed permanently, crushing her plans to check in on the group regularly.
She hadn't found anyone who could fill the void in her heart since she'd been home. She always found herself comparing potential love interests to a certain hanyou, and they all failed miserably in comparison. So she avoided the public, choosing instead to keep herself isolated.
She wrote lyrics to songs that, every so often, she would sing for those in the dimly lit rooms of the club down town. It was a clean place, without the crude behavior one might associate with a small establishment well known for its wild parties, and even wilder customers.
She always drew a crowd when the club owner advertised her appearance, and was always welcomed by those who simply came to listen.
It had started as a night of Karaoke; her pain couldn't be contained and she'd sung her heart out before the crowd, only to find in the end that they wanted her to keep singing. Her voice beckoned them from their places in the corners, out onto the dance floors, their partners clutched in unyielding embraces while they moved to the melodies of her voice- her pain.
But they listened, so she sang.
And again she found herself here, cigarette smoke coating the air in a heavy haze. It reminded her of the mist that clung to the hot springs she had loved to visit back home- in the past.
Long fingers touched on the cool silk of the piano's keys. The clear sound drifted around the room, bringing the eyes of the club's occupants to rest on her lonely form.
Her voice drifted softly, her eyes closed to hide her pain, her mind dredging up images of the hanyou she'd loved so very much.
Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were, but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today
Shaking her head softly, she tried to dislodge the painful visions. Her heart couldn't handle breaking again; it had never fully healed from the last time.
…there's nothing I wouldn't do
to hear your voice again
Her fingers continued to dance on the keys, eyes still closed though her memory continued to swirl with images of her beloved half-demon.
Some days I feel broke inside
but I won't admit
Sometimes I just wanna hide
'cause it's you I miss
You know it's so hard to say goodbye
when it comes to this
She could see him sitting in that tree, his fire rat flowing on the breeze, his sword propped precariously beside him.
Tears slipped unnoticed down her face, her heart clenching around the imagined sound of his voice as it echoed gruffly past her ears, heard only by her.
Her voice was nearly lost in the tightening of her throat, constricting the emotion that refused to remain bottled within. Opening her mouth for another verse, her voice came out more desperate, more isolated, pain lining each word that managed to escape.
Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?
But most of all she missed his eyes; the way they sparkled beneath the light of the campfire, shadowed by his hair when he tried to hide the direction of his gaze.
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes
and see you looking back
It was almost like a caress, void of the physical touch, but she'd felt it- kami, how she missed it.
If I had just one more day
I would tell you how much that I've missed you
since you've been away
Her voice lost its urgency then, the angelic tones nearly whispers in the smoke covered air. She'd left him- the only person in life that made a difference. She wished she would have stayed, even if it was to be second best to a woman long dead.
At least then she could see him- feel him- if only in the fleeting touch of his gaze.
Ohh, it's dangerous
She had promised to stay by his side for as long as he needed her, but had he needed her when she'd left? Had he tried to go through the well nearly as often as she had- her fingers bloody, nails broken from digging into the cold earthen floor that refused to open for her again?
It's so out of line -
To try to turn back time
Had he cried as hard as she had when she realized that she'd never get to see him, never get to hold him, never get to love him?
I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself
By hurting you...
Standing slowly, she moved from the piano, her shoulders shaking with the effort to hold back her tears. She wasn't sure how she made it back to her dressing room, nor did she know how she'd come to be on the floor in the corner of the room.
She rocked back and forth, tears searing her face as she tried in vain to gain control of the agony she felt within the shattered remains of her heart. She didn't hear the sound of her sorrow as it echoed about her room.
The band passed by, each hanging their heads in defeat, knowing there was no helping the girl, no matter how much they wanted to.
No one noticed the golden eyes that glistened in the darkness. The man was drenched in shadow, clutching the wooden frame of the doorway. His claws gouged the surface until the wooden structure groaned beneath the force of his grip, the wood threatening to splinter as completely as her heart had.
He'd been coming to the locale for the past five years to watch over her, to listen to her heart as it broke over and over, for a crowd that had no idea of the torment both he and she were living in.
Making his way to her door, he stood, his hand resting on the door knob as her tears assaulted his senses. Five long years he'd been watching. Five hundred and five years he'd waited to see her- to hold her- to finally tell her how very much he loved her.
He pushed the door open, surprised to see her huddled in the corner. Sadness reverberated around her; she didn't bother to look up, caught up in weaving her emptiness to cocoon her. Taking the final few steps that would close the distance between them, he knelt in front of her, his hand shaking when he finally found the strength to reach out, one clawed fingertip extended to push a stray piece of hair behind her ear.
He watched helplessly; her eyes blinked in confusion, their darkened depths widening fractionally before returning to their saddened expression, her words nearly lost in her sadness.
"You aren't real. I see you in my dreams, and it tears me apart when I wake up, only to find you were never really with me at all. I see you when I'm awake, and I wonder if I've finally lost it when I take a second look- only to find that you aren't there- were never there to begin with. My heart breaks when I realize that I can't have you back- that I walked away from you when I should have stayed- when I wanted to stay."
Tears fell unchecked down her face, her eyes lowered as if she wasn't able to bear the sight of him. And it broke his heart - again - to see her suffer - continuing to punish herself for a decision she'd made so many years ago.
She couldn't have known that the well would close. Hell, he'd watched her go, all the while telling himself that she'd come back once she'd calmed down. Even he had thought that she could return.
If he'd known that he wouldn't see her again for five hundred years, he would have stopped her from going. He would have found a way to convince her to stay, no matter the cost.
But they had taken the magic of the well for granted, always assuming that it would transport either one of them between eras on a whim.
Oh, how wrong they'd been.
And now, for the first time in so many, many long years, he was complete. Kagome would be with him again. He could finally tell her the things that he'd kept buried in his heart out of stubbornness and stupidity. Five hundred and five long years had taught him a great many things: the most important had been to never let life and love pass by, because you never know if you'll get the chance to get it back.
"How many times will you haunt me? How many times will I see your face, knowing that I'll never be able to touch you, hold you, or tell you how very much I loved you- how much I still love you."
Her voice broke with a flood of emotion; she cried out in an anguished sob that hurt him more severely than any sword or demon of the past could have.
And then he heard something that surprised him;his voice echoed in a whisper around them, his heart beating so heavily in his chest that he was certain it would erupt from beneath the bone that housed it.
"I love you, Kagome. I've always loved you."
He watched her eyes, their darkness rising to gaze into his own. There were so many things happening in them, so many emotions struggling for the right to dominate her senses. But one finally surfaced and held fast- one he recognized as disbelief.
Her hand rose from its folded position in her lap, her fingers reaching to touch the skin of his cheek, and his eyes closed at her touch. How long had he wanted to feel her hands brushing his hair from his face again, her lips to dance across his own?
Forcing his eyes open, Inuyasha was surprised to see that she'd raised herself to her knees, her face hovering close to his own. He could feel her breath as it fanned over him, his eyes falling to her softly parted lips.
"Is it you? Is it really you?"
Reaching to take her hand, Inuyasha pressed it against his heart, his eyes glossing over as he struggled to contain his tears. Without a word he leaned forward, eyes open to witness her response. His lips feathered lightly over hers; her eyes widened for a split second before she shut them completely.
She leaned into him then, her mouth caressing his in return. In that moment, Inuyasha swore he could have lived and died a thousand times. She was sweet against his tongue, innocent to taste, and heavenly to hold.
There would never be a force great enough to tear her from his embrace again. He'd never let his own stupidity, or her doubt, cloud the love they shared for each other.
And never again would either one of them be venturing anywhere near the well.
The song is By Hurting You- Christina Agulara.
I do not own Inuyasha or its characters; Rumiko Takahasi, and whoever she's sold rights to, does.
Finally edited, but still has a few errors left to fix.