Consume me

Vampire Knight belongs to Matsuri Hino. If I owned it, someone would definitely slap Kaname back.

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I am a part of a world that I hate
I wish the end would come faster
My world's a disaster
Can't you see that I'm down and I'm drowning
And I can't keep my head above my weight.

"Starless" by Crossfade

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He loathed himself.

It was not his appearance, not his silver hair, neither his lavender eyes, not even his pale skin which looked ironically anemic. All of that didn't matter. When he looked in the mirror, he didn't give a damn about his looks.

The thing what disgusted him was nothing seen so easily. His clueless classmates would never notice. In their eyes he was just how he always was, his grumpy, antisocial self, too mature or even stiff for his age.

But he knew where the hints of his abnormality where hidden, where he had to search for traces of the beast that slowly consumed him from the inside. When his gaze fell on his reflection, his mind was always overwhelmed with the knowledge of being a condemned vampire. He bent his head lopsided and opened his mouth an inch just to reveal shiny, cuspidal fangs.

Zero's disguise simply didn't work for himself.

His clenched fist shattered the glass, the fragments spreading mostly over his feet and the floor.

He saw what kind of existence lay before him. It was everything he despised wholeheartedly because he was born into a vampire hunter family.
He disdained those beings which only consisted of bloodlust and brutish instincts because he had been educated for this by his teacher before he came of age.
Hate filled his mind because he was cornered into ending up like this with no escape. A dead end.
If he turned from the end there was only the choice of hurting and murdering people.

He was destined to die soon if he didn't want to hurt those people surrounding him. Like Yuuki. Which he didn't.

Definitely not Yuuki.

He wouldn't get her and that in many ways. Never as long as he had still the command of a piece of mental stability embedded in his brain, he would not get her killed. His sucking her blood endangered her even more than leaving her in that damned pureblood's presence.
Kiriyuu Zero would not be her death.

Therefore, Zero had to put distance between them. No longer was he able to accept the role of her closest friend because of two reasons. He didn't even have to think about the first one, though it took him quite some time to figure out the second one – the result was a bunch of unfamiliar emotions creeping over him.

First, her safety was important. He didn't stand to see her in pain which he witnessed too often, thanks to the monster within.

Second, as he wanted to push her away, he only pulled her deeper into this mess. He had to separate himself from her clearly. She confused his common sense. Watching her adoring Kuran Kaname nauseated him. It was beyond him how exactly jealousy got the better of him each time those two met coincidentally.
It didn't dawn on him; fate, he had already learned, was rarely that fair. The realization struck him almost senseless at that time.

Yuuki, the girl he called clumsy, naïve and whom he – in secret – considered lovely, was the most precious person in his twisted life. Zero admitted it was as simple as that, albeit puzzling.

Nice. That's what he needed right now. Not.

He acknowledged the truth when it was obviously crushing him, he let the fact roll over him and closed it away. The key to his heart was long lost, the lock rusted. End of story.

With this he snapped out of his reasoning. Outside the evening sky had grown dark without him noticing. He'd missed the change of classes, he figured. What a pity, no mindless girls going all crazy over the bloodsuckers. Too bad, he thought with sarcasm. Then –

He'd let her down. Zero reclined his head trying to get a glimpse out of the window. Surely she was out there and doing her job as a guardian conscientiously, whereas he broke his promises rather often. He pinned it mentally down as another sin on his steadily growing list. He remembered this morning when he had reluctantly promised Yuuki in the hallway to show up so that she stopped worrying about his depressive expression – yes, that's how she called it with a forced smile plastered on her face. He was urged to ask her if she'd looked at herself this morning. She cared for others, but so much less for herself. His facial expression had darkened in an amount that routed passing students, yet she'd d clinged to his arm.

Unconsciously, the finger of his left arm would wander to his right as if he still felt the prickling effect of her touch.

His trained senses traced the slight movement of the air. His eyes cracked open – just now he realized that they had been closed in repeated reverie. Zero turned from the high window and fastened his eyes on Yuuki's face, gleaming white under the dim moonlight that partially lit his spartan room.

She remained silent but her eyes seemed to see through him. With her warm brown orbs lingering on his face, he felt as transparent as a paper wall. Guilt washed over him, guilt along with sizzling anger, longing and desperation. Why he felt ease and tension battling in his throat he did not want to decipher, though he somehow knew by instinct that he wouldn't favor one winning over the other.

Long time ago he had already stepped out of light while her bubble was still intact. She never faltered albeit her past was soaked in sinister colors. Yuuki was not dark or lined with violence, but smiling and full of determination and sheepishly clumsy. It was contradictive but she'd run through him with destructive force. There was no denying – she tore apart the layers of steel from his heart in her innocent way. Softly, firmly, without knowing.

With her just being here she clawed his control. Zero pressed his lips together. When did she claim his mind to this extent? "Go away."

"Zero." Yuuki said gently. "Are you in pain?" She crossed the line of the threshold, waving her sweet presence in his direction unconsciously. "What happened to your hand? It's bleeding."
She said it, the cursed word. Bleeding. As in blood. As in red liquid flowing through your body that is not meant to be spilt. As in basic foods to vampires.

She yanked her red necktie from its place while she closed the distance between them. "Come on," she muttered, reaching for his wounded hand. Zero let her bandage the tiny grazes in apathy. He preferred this state of numbness in which he basked like a prisoner did welcome the pure sunlight on his face when he became free again, and in that being ignorant to his appetencies was not deemed impossible.

Her touches were light and smooth because she was used to take care of little wounds. In the way her chocolate shock of hair dangled in front of her face, how her soft fingertips stroke his covered skin after she had managed a neatly ligature hypnotized Zero to a lack of steady supply with oxygen. He inhaled after what felt like an eternity again and was overwhelmed by the intensity of her innocence. Maybe, just maybe, if he breathed in her very scent deep enough, he would be forgiven all his failures. Maybe if he breathed her light, it would redeem him from his inevitable destiny.

But walls of maybes always crumbled before the end.

Zero pulled his hand from her grip to hide his face behind played out fingers. Who needed blood when despair flew thicker through your veins than anything else? "Go, Yuuki. I'm no good."

"What are you talking about, Zero? Do you need to –"

"No," he hissed. The hand dropped to his throat, clutching it as it felt tight like it was unwilling to voice those words. With the glass shreds cracking under his feet he stepped back until his back brushed the window sill. "Not that. Just leave." Stay. Don't leave me tortured in a moment of change, don't let me suffocate a lonely ending.

Her eyes burned unpleasantly steady on his face, yet it wasn't in his power to wrench from her look. Zero knew it was not in Yuuki's character to accuse him, but as she stood her ground in dense silence it came close to it. "Zero said this before." She shivered in contrast to her firm voice. He never thought she had been a good actor. She might betray herself but he saw through her like she did with him. "You said this before. But I have already decided that I won't leave. Why don't you accept it at last?"

"Look at yourself – you're afraid of me." He studied her expression as he weighed his next words. "I will ruin you. I'm a monster that lusts for your blood, worse than a criminal, more like a addict ready to destroy everything what is dear to me because you are the drug that keeps me high. I am out of control."

"But I don't blame you. I make you feed on me." Yuuki stated in a small voice. Strands of her hair tangled in the air as she cocked her head, desperate. "Why don't understand? How can I prove you the truth? I'm not afraid of Zero." She traversed the room and came to a stop inches before him; she was small in size, fragile looking as glass and even though, she kept being obstinate in preserving his life. "I don't have it in me to not trust you. You can trust me, too. You don't have to burden your shoulders even more. Trust me and give me a fair share of your weight, Zero. I want to help you."

"Yuuki … please," he grinded through his lips, "don't leave the weight of your life in someone's hands that are bound to steal it away. I'm such a person." A vampire.

His head spun. The haze of her smell set loose a raging heat of desire that he recognized at once. He wanted to shove her away, but like so often before she shattered his control and stomped on the leftovers as she revealed the smooth skin of her neck to him. Nonetheless she captured his gaze with a power he had not seen in her before, drew it from the temptation, and replaced it with another when she placed a finger on the line of his jaw.
His eyes flickered between her touch and her wet eyes. Had he been too harsh? The last thing he pursued was Yuuki being sad. How she managed to still glow beautifully and confident, even though her face held pink signs of her quiet tears and was shaded white by the moonlight surpassed his horizon.
"No, you are Zero. Kiriyuu Zero. You are not such a person and not a monster in disguise of a human." Her warm breath brushed his ear, shortly distracting him from the purity and the resolve her eyes were emanating. "Repeat it."

"I'm Zero." He murmured huskily.

"That's not really convincing. Make me believe you, Zero."

He closed his lids, sighing. "This is silly, Yuuki." His voice came out unusually soft, and hesitantly he stroked a lock from her face. She would not understand words; the more he spelled out the undeniable truth to her the more eager she became. Words were no weapons, not illustrative, not terrifying enough to scare her away nor were the secret moments when he sucked the liquid of the living out of her veins. "I don't want you to watch me fall to Level-E." How was he supposed to force her to leave him alone? Numerous things had been happening to recoil her, but she always closed her common sense away.

She startled by his streak of tenderness, unaware of his confused thoughts, but contained her tone light with determination in each syllable. "And I don't want you to fall to Level-E. I will save you."
It doesn't matter how, she told him with clear eyes. If you are ill, I'll be the antidote that gets you by. If you fall to pieces, I'll put you back together. If you are a raging vampire, I'll be the person you feed on.

"Yuuki…" What was he to say? There were no words existing to measure what he felt deeply. They were all too hollow, would rather falter in their meaning and might harm her. In his mind she was something small and delicate dancing on his palms; if he curved his hands she might shatter helplessly. Eventually, he decided against any words at all and gave in to one of his darkest desires.

One time, only this once. Only now.

Zero rested his head on her silky hair, wrapped his arms around her waist and succumbed to the sensation of her body against his. Have you already figured out all these things I try to hide, Yuuki? Have you found out? He felt heavy guilt for craving her blood but he was even worse longing for her love. Each and every way he could think of to renounce Yuuki, he had tried and lost and now yielded to a path that was circled in dark trespassing.

He didn't see her eyes widen, he only felt her relaxing against him after few seconds. "Zero." She said quietly, both her fists clenching and opening several times against his back.

Of course, he thought bitterly. Kuran. He moved to release her, but her arms were firmly coiled around his neck.

"I…" Yuuki whispered so low he almost didn't hear. "You still don't trust me. But I… I make you believe me, Zero."

It glinted in her orbs as she tilted her head back to look at him out of warm brown eyes and she shifted her weight on her toes. Her hands cupped his face and pulled him closer before he guessed her intention. She touched his lips with hers, tentative and opposite to her warm fingertips that wouldn't let him escape. It was too late anyway. Zero's lungs were so filled with her sweet scent, it seeped all his cells from head to toe and colored his peripheral vision completely black and limited his gaze on her. She crumbled his last defenses with a slow motion of her tongue against his mouth and he couldn't help but allowing her entry.
Like a person stranded in the desert he drank her in without drawing blood from her as if she had become his water. She leaned towards him eagerly, her hands clutching the front of his shirt to defy her shaking legs when Zero disheveled a hand in her locks to vary the kiss. He was starving to devour her propinquity, shortly pushing his worries about crossing the border away.

Finally, they broke apart for air, gasping, before tasting another clash of their lips. Despite the darkness in the room Zero's sight was rainbowed when he drew a thin line of light kisses down her chin. The vein on her neck was throbbing ferociously against his touch, making his throat contract painfully in realization. Only tension restrained him from brushing this spot with his lips before sinking his fangs softly into it, feeling the complete sensation of the forbidden.

He shoved her away. Monsters did not find happiness. Such a thing like living happily ever after – just spending a thought about it revealed his scoffing personality again, opposed by a tinge of self-pity, stained with anger and desperation, all that covered a hunger for humanity, for the fairytale in life.

Her eyes big and shaded with hazy emotions, Yuuki tugged the fringe of his uniform jacket to capture his attention again. As if he could even force himself to not notice. Heartbeats of silence passed while she read his face where his eyes glowed in a bloody red.

"No, don't hold back, Zero. Let me share your pain." She pleaded.

It was a never ending circle. Always he would try to stop her and each time he would lose and she would win. A twisted victory, bringing her nearer to death on her own decision he could not alter. "I'm not strong," Zero admitted. "I'm selfish. But you know what you promised, so kill me in the end."

She said nothing, only offered him her bared neck and momentarily that was answer enough. Then the hand that held back her chocolate strands fell off suddenly. Her expression looked so tender and strained at once when she bit her lip to utter then what was on her mind.
"I want to keep you alive, I want you to put your trust in me, to let me help you. Do you want to know why? I feel so badly about you that it hurts. When you speak of leaving and dying, it squishes my chest that is hollow aside from ridiculous panic. For my salvation I have to hold you back and make me hurt." Yuuki gently reached for his hand she bandaged earlier. "I love you, Zero. All parts of you including your pains and your constant frown; your brusqueness, your inner strife as well as your true self. I love you."

Words, he realized, were a stunning weapon after all. They pierced through him, entangled his senses and stole his framed retort away. "What – what did you say?"

Yuuki curved her lips in a genuine smile. "Should I spell it for you? And here I was thinking you were smarter than this." She leaned forward like she had done when they were younger and she shared a secret with him. "I love you, Zero."

"Yuuki." Selfishness, Zero thought, is truly a sin. "I want you to be right. I want you to feel the same as I."

"I do." Her hair danced as she nodded solemnly. "And just this once – please be selfish, for my sake." She made it sound fair. Just this once. They kissed impetuously in collision, not as self-conscious as before. And when Zero's mouth slid down her throat, he still dug his fangs through the thin layer of cream-colored skin in need of sweet blood but less insatiable at least.

He can never take back what would always be wrong. But at least the feeling of guilt might fade away in usualness before he died. Maybe her feelings were his redemption on the way down. For that he hoped, because fate would be a criminal if it took her away from him again.

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Finally finished. I wrote on this for weeks, I hope it measures up to the time. I really like Zero x Yuuki, though you can't lie about Kaname's good looks. Everytime I watch VK I hve to drool at least once -.- Of course he'd just be out of place here.

I hope you enjoyed reading this oneshot. If you did voice your opinion in a review; if you did not tell my anyway :)