Title: Fire and Gasoline
Pairing: Alex Cabot/Olivia Benson
Rating: K+
Author's Note: As you all know, these characters aren't mine. They belong to Dick Wolf and NBC.
Summary: AU. After her stint as Bureau Chief of Manhattan Homicide, Alex leaves New York with the intent of escaping her demons. When she returns six years later, so much has changed. This takes place on Halloween 2012.
.
Standing at the bottom of the steps leading up to the 16th precinct, Alex Cabot sighs and tightens her grip on the hand of the little boy in the extremely realistic police officer costume standing next to her.
"Can we go in" the little boy asks, tugging hard on Alex's hand.
Alex sighs. "Yes," she says, "But do you remember what I said about holding my hand, Jake?"
Jake groans. "But, Mama," he says, "cops don't needa hold hands."
"Well, you do, Officer Cabot, if you want to go in."
Jake looks up at his mother, ready to argue if need be, but is met with her no-nonsense look. He obediently tightens his grip on Alex's hand. "Can we go in now?"
"Yes," Alex says, allowing herself to be pulled up the stairs.
The inside of the 16th Precinct is exactly how Alex remembers it. She leads Jake to the elevator, adjusting his hat and plastic badge as they ride to the fourth floor. The elevator doors open and Alex suddenly feels overwhelmed.
"C'mon, Mama," Jake says, lightly tugging on Alex's hand.
They step into the Special Victims Unit and are greeted by all sorts of Halloween decorations – hanging spider webs, dancing skeletons, a bubbling cauldron by the coffee pot, overfilled bows of candy on the detectives' desks.
But more than that, the squadroom itself is different. Different colored walls, different desks, different set-up, different everything. The dimmer lighting gives it a safe feeling, a comfortable feeling.
Alex instantly feels at ease – though she knows this feeling won't last long since it is Halloween night and her detectives have been known to go a little overboard with the tricks involved in Trick-or-Treating with the Detectives of the 1-6.
Trick-or-Treating with the Detectives of the 1-6 was one of Alex's favorite activities while she was the Assistant District Attorney for the Special Victims Unit.
She would sit at Olivia's desk and watch the detective talk to the kids while she handed out candy. There was something in the simplicity of it that made her heart flutter.
Times were so different then – before Zapata and Velez and Connors, before Witness Protection, before Jim Steele.
She shakes her head, looking down at her son and his mess of dark hair that always seems to be sticking out every which way.
No, she wouldn't trade the short-lived affair with Jim Steele for anything.
"Alex!"
Alex turns around, slightly startled by the presence of another person in the squadroom. "Don," she exclaims, allowing herself to be wrapped in a hug. "How've you been?"
"Hasn't been the same without you, Alex. Where've you been?"
"Around." Alex chuckles self-consciously. "We actually just moved back to New York at the end of August so Jake could start school here."
Cragen nods, laughing as the boy hides behind Alex's legs. "Does Olivia know you're back?"
Alex grimaces. "Ah. No. I haven't gotten around to calling her yet."
Cragen shakes his head disapprovingly. "You've been back for two months, Alex. That's plenty of time."
Alex sighs, running her free hand through her hair. "I don't know what to tell her, Don. I can't just call her up and say: 'Hi, Liv. I'm sorry I left you sitting in a hotel room by yourself without an explanation six and a half years ago. And I'm sorry I showed up on your doorstep that rainy night a year later and left you the next morning with nothing but a goodbye note. And one more thing: I'm sorry I didn't call you when I got back to town two months ago; I was so preoccupied with my son just starting school. Oh, that's right. I didn't tell you about my son. I'm sorry for that too. Would you like to get coffee?" Alex shakes her head. "No, I don't think that would go over too well."
"Perhaps you could phrase it differently, but yes. She misses you, Alex."
Alex sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose. "It's complicated, Don. Olivia and I – we're like fire and gasoline. We're a disaster waiting to happen. That's how we've always been."
"Maybe this time's the charm," Cragen says with a slight nod toward just outside the door where Olivia and Elliot are in a heated conversation about something. "You talk to her and I'll give Jake a tour of the precinct."
"Can I, Mama?" Jake asks, stepping out from behind Alex and looking up at her with his wide blue eyes.
"Do you promise to stay with Uncle Don?" Alex asks. Jake nods excitedly. "Okay. Go ahead." She watches Jake scamper off with Cragen before turning around to face the music.
She is breathless the second her gaze lands on Olivia. Gorgeous curves, long hair – Alex can't look away from this more feminine version of her Olivia.
Olivia stops in the doorway, causing Elliot to walk right into her back.
"Oof," Elliot grunts.
Ignoring his grunt, Olivia asks, "Can you see her?"
Elliot looks into the squadroom, his eyes landing on Alex. "Uh, yeah," he says.
"So she's really in there?"
"Yeah."
"Should I talk to her?"
"Do you want to?"
"No. Wait. Yes. Wait. No." Olivia groans. "Yes."
"Then talk to her."
Giving herself a little shake, Olivia walks over to Alex, her usual swagger still in each step. "Alex."
"I'm an asshole," Alex blurts out. Stunned for a second, she just stares into Olivia's eyes.
Olivia nods slowly, her brow furrowed in confusion. "Yes, you are."
Alex runs her hand through her hair. "I'm an asshole for doing what I did. And I'm sorry. And if you never want to see me again, I understand. But I had to apologize to you. I've been back for two months and I haven't called. And Jake just started school so I'm so overwhelmed with worry. And, God, I miss you so much. I've been so lonely without you, and there's so much I need to say. But now I'm rambling and you hate when I ramble." She takes a deep breath. "And I'm an asshole."
Olivia laughs. She actually laughs. It's full-bodied and beautiful and it honestly could be music.
But Alex frowns. "Why are you laughing?"
"Because I'm so pissed at you, Alex. I'm so angry. I mean, you just show up now and apologize and... Do you think I'm just going to accept your apology and everything will be okay between us?"
"No! No, I didn't think that at all. Liv, please, I can explain everything."
Olivia quirks her eyebrow. "Everything?"
"Okay. Maybe not everything. But I can explain most of it, if you'll give me the chance."
Olivia nods. "Okay," she says, leading Alex to Interrogation Two.
"Here?" Alex asks, glancing around the room. "I was thinking over dinner tonight."
Olivia shakes her head, laughing quietly. "You're smooth, Alex Cabot, but not that smooth." She gives Alex a curt nod. "Explain."
Alex shrugs, her palms facing upward. "I was afraid. I couldn't say goodbye to you because I thought I wouldn't be able to leave."
"That was after the Connors trial?"
Alex nods. "And then I showed up on your doorstep that night fifteen months later. That was the night I found out I was pregnant."
"I can't…" Olivia shakes her head. "I can't even believe this. Why'd you leave after that? Your note…Your note didn't say."
"I was embarrassed. What I did to you wasn't fair. I used you, Liv, because I needed to feel… something. Anything. I wasn't" – Alex shakes her head – "I couldn't stomach the guilt that would be there when I woke up next to you the next morning. So, I left. I thought it would be easier, but it wasn't."
"Where did you go?"
Alex shrugs. "Everywhere I could. I spent a lot of time in Europe; I visited the Louvre in Paris, the Pantheon in Rome, the Tower of London, the Prague Castle, the Berlin Zoo. But not matter where I went, I couldn't shake the empty feeling I was traveling with. It's not the same without someone else. In the end, I went back to Boston to have Jake. My Uncle Bill let me stay with him until Jake was old enough to go to daycare, then I moved into a small apartment and taught Government to high-schoolers." She laughs self-deprecatingly. "That was an adventure in itself. Give me a courtroom any day over that."
Olivia fights the temptation to roll her eyes. "Now's not the time to make jokes, Alex."
Alex's smile fades. "I'm sorry," she says. "What else do you want to know?"
"Why are you back?"
"In New York? I wanted Jake to grow up here."
No, why are you here? At the precinct."
Looking down at the floor, Alex chews on the inside of her bottom lip. "I wanted Jake to experience Trick or Treating with the Detectives of the 1-6, and…"
"And?"
"I knew I'd be able to see you here. I knew I could convince you to talk to me if I came here instead of going to your apartment."
"You weren't going to talk to me today, Alex. Who convinced you to?"
Alex sighs. "Don."
Olivia's shoulder slump, the fight suddenly draining out of her. "He told you, didn't he? How much of a mess I was while you were gone."
"He just said you missed me."
Olivia scoffs. "That's the understatement of the year."
"Liv, I'm so—"
Olivia shakes her head, cutting off Alex's apology. "You did what you had to do, Alex. And now I'm doing what I have to do." She turns on her heel and walks out of the interrogation room, leaving the door open behind her.
Alex stares wide-eyed at the spot Olivia just vacated. A single tear rolls down her cheek before she makes her decision.
Olivia is making a cup of coffee when Alex steps into the squadroom.
"We're not doing this again, Olivia Benson," Alex says.
Olivia sighs. "Alex—"
"No." Alex shakes her head. "We've wasted years, Liv. Years. And I don't want to waste another minute without you."
She steps closer, and Olivia does not back away. Taking this as a positive sign, Alex lightly presses her lips to Olivia's.
It's electric.
Alex feels like every nerve ending in her body is on fire, but in a good way. She pulls back, smiling widely at Olivia's slightly-dazed look.
"What do you say, Detective? Can I have another chance?" Alex asks earnestly, allowing hope to creep into her voice.
Olivia blinks, letting a beat pass. "One chance, Alex. That's it."
Alex's smile is wide and bright and could, quite possibly, light up a room.
Cragen leads Jake back into the squadroom, smiling as Jake runs over and wraps his arms around Alex's waist.
Alex lifts him up, holding him in a tight hug as she introduces him to Olivia. Their smiles are carefree and wholesome and full of nothing but love and adoration.
From across the room, Elliot snaps a picture, capturing the moment when broken became whole.
End