The Devil You Know
Everything is a mess
I have to come to confess
Sold out all my beliefs
I'm a liar and a cheat
I knew it was a dream the moment it started. Between the fact that I had imbibed a bit more than usual with Gojyo a few hours before and that I could smell nothing in this world, I knew it wasn't real.
Just because I couldn't smell didn't mean I couldn't feel pain.
Searched my soul in despair
Callused heart is rubbed bare
How I wish to believe
In your innocent dreams
I'd never had this dream before. Usually my dreams, or nightmares more accurately, involved reliving the siege on Hyakugan Maoh's castle from Gonou's perspective. This time, however, I was an observer of my own failure.
I watched as Gonou tore through any opposition, not caring who he killed. I must have joined this dream in progress, because Gonou was already nearing the cell which held his beloved Kanan.
Delicate love
Precious and pale
Tempted and torn
Broken and failed
Strange, that. His Kanan. Not mine, or even ours. It was odd to think about what was essentially myself in the third person.
This was quickly becoming more unnerving than a normal nightmare. I didn't like watching this unfold, knowing what was going to happen and not being able to stop it. Knowing that Gonou would never save Kanan. Watching Kanan kill herself, again.
Most of all, though, was watching Gonou watch Kanan die.
Don't leave me here
Don't leave me alone
I am the one
The devil you know
It was like being able to look in a mirror. Not only did I see my heart, my Kanan, crumple to a bloody heap, but I saw Gonou, my soul, die with her.
This nightmare was no longer about Kanan. I was watching my own death.
I saw a flash of light and Gonou rose to meet it, those familiar green eyes blank and lifeless. Chin Yisou had arrived.
I'm your man on the cross
I'm the soul you have lost
I'm the choice you regret
One you wish to forget
My own hand ghosted over the scar while Chin Yisou created it on Gonou. The demon, the only true demon at this point, cut his own wrist and let the blood drip onto Gonou.
Now Gonou was truly lost. Body, heart and soul bound forever by the bloodvine of a thousand demons.
Gonou wasn't finished yet. I had been right when I faced the shikigami of Chin Yisou about where I struck him. Gonou sloppily forced his newfound claws through Yisou's midsection and he howled in his death throes.
Then there was silence.
Lover broken and sad
Lost the dreams that you had
How I wish I could be
Everything that you need
This was…discomforting. I remember nothing after this until being rudely nudged by a muddy boot.
Gonou was looking at…me. Or through me. I had no problems about referring to my former self in the third person now. He was honestly a stranger to me. As he staggered away from Yisou's body, he stopped and looked down at Kanan's body before kneeling and reaching gore slicked claw through the bars. I wanted to stop him from defiling her further and began to move, but Gonou suddenly pulled his hand back as if burned.
Delicate love
Precious and pale
Tempted and torn
Broken and failed
Maybe by her purity, but I knew that was impossible.
Gonou began to leave, trudging slowly and painfully out of the castle. He was… seriously fucked up, as Gojyo would say. He was bleeding profusely from the gut wound and several other more minor cuts, but he kept moving. I would admire his determination, but that was how we ended up this way.
Don't leave me here
Don't leave me alone
I am the one
The devil you know
As Gonou emerged from the castle and into the sunlight, I was ready to wake up. Not that this had been a restful sleep or that it had been enlightening, because it hadn't. There was nothing more I wanted to see.
Tear it all down yeah
Oh yeah
We walked away from the castle. I was slightly behind Gonou. If I didn't already know how this ended, I may have tried to help the struggling demon.
Demon. Yes. He didn't have limiters, but I had them when Gojyo found me. Odd.
Gonou suddenly stopped. He whirled faster than I would have thought possible in his condition and tried to sprint back to the castle. I stood still as he blew past me, and when I looked to see where he went, I felt it.
The castle was collapsing. But Sanzo had said that someone torched it not long before my "escape" from Gojyo's. And why was Gonou going back?
Delicate love
Precious and pale
Tempted and torn
Broken and failed
For the same reason I went back. For her.
Then I realized that the whole castle wasn't falling, only a good part of the entryway and first hall. Through the dust and debris, I could barely make out Gonou's silhouette, on his knees with arms raised to the sky, almost as if he were praying.
There was a flash of white light and I went blind.
When the spots vanished, Gonou was still on his knees, but his arms hanging limply at his sides and his head was bowed. I moved closer, and I could hear him muttering something, but I couldn't quite make it out over the settling of the rubble.
I went closer, standing almost directly behind him. Tilting forward slightly, I tried to make sense of his ramblings, but I was sidetracked by the glint of metal.
On his left ear. One limiter, not three. Was that the origin of the light, then?
"Devil."
I recoiled.
Don't leave me here
Don't leave me alone
I am the one
The devil you know
I am the one
The devil you know
I knew he was talking to himself, but the word hurt.
Gonou shifted slightly, so he was facing more away from me. He began to crawl toward the wreckage of the castle. After shuffling through some of the loose rocks and mortar, he must've come upon something that caught his interest, for he snatched whatever it was and held it tightly to his chest.
A second bright light blinded me.
I am the one
Don't leave me alone
I am the one
The devil you know
When I could see again, I looked at Gonou's left ear again. The second limiter. My suspicions were proven then. But I still wondered what was triggering these episodes. More importantly, why didn't I remember this? Surely it would start to rain—
Why wasn't it raining now?
I didn't have time to ponder because Gonou was rambling again.
"One. One more. I…need…one. One. The one…left." He had turned back toward me. He was in worse shape than even I realized. He had one hand clutching whatever he had found in the rubble and the other was wrapped around his stomach. Not that it was doing much good, because I could have sworn I saw a loop of intestine.
I had always thought Gojyo was exaggerating when he told me he "just kinda stuffed 'em back in."
I am the one, I am the one
I am the one, I am the one
I am the one, I am the one
I am the one, I am the one
Lilies. I inhaled deeply. What--?
Gonou was looking at something behind me, a mirthless grin spread over his face. "I knew it," he said, and I turned.
The devil you know
I am the one
The devil you know
Don't leave me alone
The devil you know
The bright light this time was the sun streaming directly into my face. I pushed myself up and got a sleepy good morning "kyu" from Hakuryu, who yawned and stretched. I scratched under his chin and smiled absently. "That was quite probably the strangest nightmare I've ever had," I told the dragon.
"Hmmwha'?" mumbled the other bed.
"Go back to sleep, Gojyo."
"Can't. Gotta piss."
Hakuryu and I watched as Gojyo dragged himself out of bed. His sleeping pants were hiked up as far as they would go on one side, but pulled dangerously low on the other. And his head had sprouted about twelve other antennae during the night.
Gojyo graced us a few minutes later with his pants on correctly and his hair pulled back into a sloppy ponytail. He flopped back into bed and lit a cigarette.
"If you fall asleep again, don't blame me if you set the sheets on fire," I chided.
"Yes mother," he said automatically. He looked sideways at me. I was still petting Hakuryu, and the dragon had drifted off. "So, what's this you were tellin' the wheels about a nightmare?"
"It's nothing, Gojyo, don't worry about it."
He looked at me harder, trying to judge my mood. He was very good at it, but there was honestly nothing wrong. For once.
"You sure?" he asked, and narrowed his eyes.
I chuckled. "Yes, Gojyo." We sat in silence for a few minutes, with Gojyo still surreptitiously glancing at me.
"May I ask you something?"
Gojyo seemed startled, but recovered quickly. "Yeah, go ahead."
"I…had all three limiters on when you found me, right?"
Gojyo looked extremely confused. "Yeah. Why wouldn't you?"
"Just wondering."
"The nightmare?"
"Yes. Perhaps nightmare is not the right word, though. Not a pleasant dream, either. More of a…"
"'What the fuck' moment?" Gojyo supplied.
I laughed. "Yes. Exactly."
Woohoo! My first Saiyuki fic. The song used is "The Devil You Know" off the album of the same name from a somewhat obscure 90s band called Econoline Crush. I knew I wanted to do a Hakkai angsty-type thing, and I usually break into those with a songfic. Then I read Reload 7 and wanted to do a "how the hell did he know those vines could do that" dream thingy, but it turned into "how the hell did he get his limiters" dream thingy instead. My muse was distracted by something shiny, apparently. Stupid unreliable muse.
DarkHorse
And ps: the formatting on this site can suck a nut.