Note: This story occurs outside my usual story continuity. All characters are "off camera" so to speak.
Reading 'Bout the Acolytes
"Ahhh," Pyro sighed happily as he, Remy and Piotr relaxed in a nice lounge. All of them were sitting in soft armchairs in front of a large, cozy fireplace. "This is so nice."
"You said it," Remy agreed leaning back in contentment. "Things are finally starting to go right around here. We're not running around on some stupid mission of Mags'. The rec room has been refurnished. We haven't been nearly killed or anything lately. And Mags and Sabes have taken all the beatings in the last few stories."
"What about that whole thing with you and kites?" Pyro asked.
"Okay, most of the beatings," Remy corrected himself. "All in all, it's a good time to be an Acolyte."
"I never thought I would say this, but I think I agree with you," Piotr said reluctantly. "I have been enjoying my time here much more lately."
"Me too!" Pyro grinned and nodded his head excitedly. "This is the life! No work. No rules. No responsibilities. A roof over our heads. Friends to play with. Tons of food, toys, free time, lighter fluid, butane..."
"We get the picture," Remy cut him off. "Things are great. Though sometimes I feel like my talents are being wasted and I need a challenge to get my blood pumping. Like stealing the Hope Diamond again or something."
"Please do not do that," Piotr sighed. "Though I think I understand how you feel. Sometimes I feel I am being selfish by enjoying myself here instead of doing something to help and service others."
"Hey, we do help others," Pyro insisted. "We provide the valuable service of bringing comedy to the public and entertaining their boring little lives. We're a source of laughs and smiles that brighten a person's day and ask for nothing in return! Though it wouldn't hurt if they occasionally gave us cash or fireworks or offered to take us out to dinner."
"Now that'd be nice," Remy smirked. "But you do have a point. We help make the world a better place by giving people a reason to smile and laugh. These good times won't last forever, but we're sure going to make the most of 'em while they last. Even if only one person likes us it's worth it. It's better than doing nothing except watch TV or sleep or come up with new ways to annoy Mags."
"Here you all are!" Magneto shouted entering the room.
"Speaking of which," Pyro smiled. "Looks like the painkillers have worn off."
"What are you lunatics up to now?" Magneto demanded. "Haven't you done enough to me lately? I'm still sore from pulling cactus needles out of my rear and recovering from my latest skin graft!"
"Easy Mags. We're not doing anything," Remy waved. "Just having a good time enjoying each other's company and knowing we provide a nice, clean source of comedy."
"Oh yeah, like that's real important!" Magneto snapped. "You're all a bunch of lazy, insane maniacs! No one cares about all the stupid stuff you do. Even if they did it's a complete waste of time and energy. Instead of acting like idiots and causing chaos wherever you go, you could be doing something constructive. Like working to achieve mutant superiority which in case you forgot is the reason you were put on this team in the first place!"
"Hey, I do lots of stuff that constructive!" Pyro protested.
"Really? Like what?" Magneto drawled skeptically.
"Well, I found a way to dispose of hazardous poisons, toxins and other industrial chemical byproducts without any harmful impact to the environment," Pyro said proudly. "It's one hundred percent ecologically safe and friendly!"
"Let me guess. You throw them in an incinerator and burn the whole thing up," Magneto replied sarcastically.
"Of course not," Pyro scoffed. "That'd make a whole bunch of yucky acid rain and end up poisoning the soil and killing innocent animals."
"Okay, I give up. What is this miracle process of yours?" Magneto asked.
"I just smear the chemicals onto a big ol' sponge and glue it to Sabes' face," Pyro grinned.
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Sabertooth was heard screaming in the distance obviously in great pain.
"Oh geeze," Magneto groaned.
"See? All the bad, nasty chemicals are soaked into Sabes' body and his healing factor reacts by destroying them and rendering them inert," Pyro explained with a scientific air. "The sponge surfaces that aren't directly glued to Sabes are covered in a protective shield so no chemicals get out. And when it gets dry you just dump some more chemicals on it through a special valve and make sure they make contact with his skin. Or whatever's under the skin if it's all been eaten away. You can even use multiple sponges and slap them on his chest and back!"
"It's creative I gotta admit," Remy shrugged.
"But doesn't that cause permanent damage to Sabertooth?" Piotr asked.
"Nope, not a bit," Pyro grinned. "Not physically anyway. Psychologically is another story. But it's only Sabes and he's already pretty far gone."
"Says the pot to the kettle," Magneto moaned with a hand to his temple.
CRASH!
"GET THIS THING OFF MY FACE!" Sabertooth shrieked in agony. "IT'S DISSOLVING MY BONES! I CANT' FEEL MY JAW! AAAAAARRRGGGHHHHHH!"
SMASH!
"Oh no! What is he wrecking now?" Magneto groaned and ran out of the room. "You fools are going to pay for this! This is why nobody cares about you! Any time you're around is bad because nothing but pointless mayhem and insanity follows!"
"Hey, that's not true!" Remy shouted after him. "Well, not the caring part anyway."
"Yeah!" Pyro jumped up. "There're lots of times when it's great to be with the Acolytes, right?"
"Right!" Remy and Piotr shouted leaping to their feet.
"Hit it!" Pyro grinned as they all began to sing and dance in front of the fireplace.
In January's lively nights
It's great to go get into fights
Out on the town with Acolytes!
Fighting once, fighting twice
Fighting with the Acolytes!
In February it's a steal
To have a good and homemade meal
Cooked by Acolyte chefs with zeal!
Cooking once, cooking twice
Cooking with the Acolytes! In March it's easy to get sore
Keeping warm, old cartoons and more
All result in headaches galore!
Headaches once, headaches twice
Headaches from the Acolytes!
In April there's so much to do
Meetings, marbles, a drunk yahoo
And dressing up as dinos too!
Playing once, playing twice
Playing with the Acolytes!
"YEEEOOOOOOWWWWWW! IT BURNS! IT BURNS!" Sabertooth cried in the distance.
"WELL IF YOU'D STOP RUNNING AROUND LIKE A HEADLESS CHICKEN I'D BE ABLE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT...HEY WATCH WHERE YOU'RE POINTING THAT FIRE EXTINGUISHER!" Magneto yelped.
WHOOOOSSSSHHHHHH!
"AAARRRGGGHHH!"
In May it is the humble truth
The members of Acolyte youth
Whistle to annoy Sabertooth!
Whistle once, whistle twice
Whistle with the Acolytes!
In June dental work is in vain
Attempts result in naught but pain
For Acolytes all go insane!
Insane once, insane twice
Insane crazy Acolytes!
In July's hot heat and steam
It's fun to snack on cool ice cream
And beating X-Men is a scream!
Beating once, beating twice
Beating with the Acolytes! In August it is best to duck
For Acolytes who have bad luck
While vacuum cleaners run amok!
Ducking once, ducking twice
Ducking with the Acolytes!
"AAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!" Sabertooth screamed.
WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!
"VICTOR STOP BANGING YOUR HEAD AGAINST THE WALL!" Magneto shouted. "I DON'T CARE HOW MUCH IT HURTS! JUST QUIT IT BEFORE YOU MAKE ANOTHER HOLE!
CRASH!
"VICTOR!"
In September roll and mold
Cut, squeeze, flatten, squish and fold
The Play-Doh that never gets old!
Molding once, molding twice
Molding with the Acolytes! In October's gloomy nights
It's fun to go and cause a fright
By scaring big, tough Acolytes!
Scaring once, scaring twice
Scaring the great Acolytes! In November screams are shrill
From terror and bone-chilling thrill
Riding Pyro's motorcycle!
Screaming once, screaming twice
Screaming with the Acolytes! In December it's great kicks
To sing and film some priceless pics
Of Magneto's drunken antics!
Singing once, singing twice
Singing with the Aco, singing with the Aco, singing with the Acolytes!
"NO YOU WILL NOT USE ACID TO TRY AND DESTORY THE GLUE!" Magneto yelled. "THAT IS THE STUPIDEST THING YOU COULD...HEY LOOK OUT!"
SPLOOSH!
"AAAIIIEEEEEEEEE!"
We told you once, we told you twice
All seasons of the year are nice!
For reading about the, for reading 'bout the Acolytes!
Acolytes, Acolytes, Acoly-hites!
Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evolution or the song "Chicken Soup with Rice" by Carole King.