AN: This for my favourite person ever, aero. I know you love Dallas and Jane so, I decided this is all for you! xo
Disclaimer: I do not own The Outsider by S.E Hinton and I definitely do not own the brilliant words of Space Bound by Eminem.
"Cuz you just, did the impossible, gained my trust…"
You didn't know how it happened; usually you were careful. You never let anyone close to you because if you did they'd hurt you. Eventually, they'd betray you and they'd do something that make you want fall to your knees and never get back up again.
And after the last time you swore up and down that you'd never let anyone close 'cuz you'd never be able to take feeling that fucking weak again. It made you feel pathetic; putting trust into someone, letting them have the chance to fucking crush you.
She could too, if she wanted to. She could destroy you and you knew it and you needed her too much to actually forget about her and not let her have that chance. You fucking needed her, you hated how that sounded, hated it more than anything but she was the only thing keeping you sane.
Even your friendship scared the shit outta you, you knew eventually, you'd fuck it up. Like you did everything else. And you had no idea what you'd do after that, not having her in your life scared the hell out of you. And sometimes it pissed you off so fucking much, that you'd start arguments over it with her. Sometimes you wanted her to hate you just so you wouldn't end up hurting her.
And boy could the two of you fight. Sometimes you swore she'd never forgive you, because sometimes you were so horrible to her, you even hated yourself. But she always forgave you, always. And it pissed you off to no end, she should have hated you a million times over.
The thing you liked about her the most was that she wasn't scared of you. She, along with your 'ol man and maybe Tim Shepard. She just wasn't scared, maybe it was because she knew you wouldn't lay a finger on her in a million years or maybe it was because she was stupid enough to believe you'd change for her.
Jesus, you'd give anything to be with her and it took everything in you not to make a move. But you cared about her too much to go beyond a friendship because you knew you'd hurt her and she'd fucking hate you; and you wouldn't be able to live with yourself. As much as you wanted to change, you knew you couldn't, it's not that you wanted to do half the shit you did. It was like it was expected of you, it came naturally, it just fucking happened.
You'd never change; you knew that, the whole god damn world knew that. But she was determined to make you see the bright side of things, she never really accomplished it but sometimes you let her think she did just so she was happy. And it was nice to hear her talk. She was tough just like the rest of the girls on the East side of town were; she was a greaser. She had her make up and her short skirts, she was hot headed and probably swore too much a girl ought to but unlike almost all the girls you've met- she was smart.
She didn't sleep around; she knew how to talk to people and she could actually have a fucking conversation. Her biggest flaw was her putting her complete trust into everyone, she thought everyone had some good them. And you suppose you liked that about her, she was so loving and caring. She was your complete opposite.
Jane Mathews.
She was your best friend, you weren't sure if she knew that. If she knew how important she was to you, Jesus she was important. You would do anything for her and you were aware of how fucking soft that made you sound. You didn't do anything for anyone unless you got something out of it but with her; if she asked, you did it without questions or hesitation.
Sure there was Johnny but that was different. Johnny reminded you of you in a way and he was like a brother that you felt the need to look out for and tell him to stay tough. With Jane it was different, you could actually let your guard down, even if it was for a second.
You hated to admit it, hated to actually give someone that kind of power over you. And it pissed you off when you thought about it because you always tried to push her further away and Jane being Jane, got more mad than the 'ol man when he was hung over. It terrified you that she might not forgive you the next time around, and that pissed you off even more.
Every time she got mad at you, you felt guilty. Guilty. You never thought you'd feel guilt since Ma pulled the trigger and blew her brains out all over the kitchen wall. Fucking wallpaper was destroyed.
Everyone you ever cared about always got fucked over in the end, always. It was part of the reason why you stayed away from people. One way or another they ended up leaving or fucking dying.
You wouldn't let it happen this time, not with Jane. You almost wanted her to leave but you were too god damn selfish to tell her to get away while she still could. You wouldn't stop her from leaving if she wanted nothing to do with you anymore; you knew you'd try like hell though.
"I'll do whatever it takes, when I'm with you, I get the shakes
My body aches when I ain't with you, I have zero strength
There's no limit on how far I would go, no boundaries, no lengths…"
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