At the Last, a merlin fanfic

AN: Hey, so I'm back with more angst! Pretty much this is the s5 finale but like - with a merthur twist [[omg bri how could you twist this to have MORE merthur all the finale had was merthur]] well i've succeeded. Yep. Angst. 2nd person, again, cause I like writing in this style. But at least this has a /hopeful/ ending [kinda. for me at least. i guess].

i'm my own beta, so...

disclaimer: yeah, stuff not mine, belongs to whoever it belongs to, characters belong to BBC and whatever else decides they own them please don't sue me i need money for college, thanks xx.

Please read&review i love feedback [even if you hate it idec just say something por favor gratze everybody]

You see it in the way he curls away from you after you tell him. How he immediately tries to get away. The look on his face - disgust. Anger. Mistrust. And the worst of the lot - the betrayal. You force yourself to hold back tears, because this, this is what you feared most. Losing his trust, losing his - dare you say- love. And the worst part is that you knew this would happen, but you did the most dangerous thing of all: you allowed yourself to hope. And that's why it still rips out your heart to see it happen.

"There'll never be another like you, Arthur."

And, oh, the double entendre in that single statement, the ways it could be interpreted. For there never will be another like him, not for the kingdom, not for you, not for anything. But you can't tell him what you actually mean, because he already mistrusts you and you can't bear to see him misconstrue another statement and hate you even more. You simply can't.

"You're my friend and I don't want to lose you."

And it's an echo. Of a time when he was stronger. Friend, you say. You wish you could say the truth, because you two are so much more than that, and he must understand this, but no. You can't risk it, not now, you can't say more. It will only hurt the both of you, when he's so close to the end. And you can't throw that on him, not so soon after he learned of your betrayal.

It's times like these, when you can see him fading out, when you're happiest. And that should sound horrible and wrong, but it's these little moments when you can stroke his face under the pretence of assistance and not be caught in the lie. When you can look at him without holding back, because he won't remember it, and he won't judge you for it. And you hate yourself for it, because it's wrong - that with the end so near, these are the moments you live for.

"I was born to serve you, Arthur. And I'm proud of that, and I wouldn't change a thing."

Finally, finally you lay yourself open in front of him and he doesn't turn away. He doesn't recoil in fear and hate. And you know it's a bad idea, know you should be more cautious, but you still allow yourself to hope again.

"It's just another part of my charm."

Because this is the only way you can handle this without completely breaking down - playing it off, being the person he knows you as, being the joker. And because you now there's a slim chance your antics might make him crack a smile. Might lift his mood, even if only for a passing moment. And that's all you can hope for, now.

"We rest for now."

Said with gritted teeth, because you know you don't have that much time to spare. But, you've never been able to deny him anything, not for long, especially not now. And it's killing you inside, giving him this, because he's got a clock ticking down the minutes until he leaves you.

"Get some sleep."

You can feel the tears forming in your eyes. And now you can barely look at him, because each look reminds you of how close he is to the end. It's not long now, and it's all you can do, try and make him - this - it - last.

Then you both fall. And you know it's over.

"Just hold me."

And with those words you break. Because you know it's too late, but he's acknowledging you now. Accepting your comfort, asking for it even. And it's too late, it's over, he's done for, but this is the deathbed conversation you never prepared yourself for. And you can't take it, can't take him leaving, but you give in to this. His last request. Because it's now obvious, he isn't coming back from this. And it breaks you - because there's nothing more you can do.

"Thank you."

And these words. They're the words you've waited 10 years to hear. The acknowledgment of your protection and sacrifices. There's such a strong connotation - he finally understands what you've done for him. And it's everything you wanted and waited for, but in the worst possible moment. The one moment when you can't protect him anymore. You never wanted it to come out like this - to be the final thing he said.

You are the last thing he sees.

"Arthur-"

And it's cut off. Choked off. You tell yourself that it's due to the tears and the pain that you can't continue, but you know deep down that you're lying. Because you know what was coming. The one thing you always wanted to tell him. But you missed your opportunity. It's something you refused to tell him for fear of losing him. And you don't dare say it out loud now. Instead, you choose to wait. Wait for him to return. Because Kilgarrah promised you, promised that he would return. Would come back to you. And you'll wait forever. And then, when he does finally return... you'll tell him. You'll tell him everything.