All in a name

Arafinwë does not know when it starts; he cannot remember. Maybe, as an infant he felt thoughts twine around him as his old blanket did, the blue one with gold embroidery. And if Nolo pulls away when Arafinwë says something too perceptive, the younger acts as if he didn't notice.

After all Nolo, Nolofinwë, is his brother, his brother whose thoughts float to him across the night, larger then life and full of fierce desire. Nolo who pulls him up onto his knees and swings him around the garden making Arafinwë believe he can fly. Wise-finwë suits his bother just fine, but so do the names fierce-finwë and brave-finwë. But Fierce-wisdom or Brave-wisdom, both suit his brother more.

Findis' flame breaths next to their brother's own soul and Arafinwë wonders at their difference. Although, let it never be said that his sister isn't fierce. Findis once silenced Fëanáro with a single look. (She was amazing, though Arafinwë was never tell her that.) It's just, of all his siblings Findis is the most confident. She brushes foul words and thoughts off as fish push through the waters of the harbors of Alqualondë. Findis, Arafinwë feels, is free, free of the desperation that his two oldest brothers sweat. Arafinwë wants to be like that too. He wonders, "how does she do it?"

And father and mother? They who named them: Findis and the three Finwë's?

Mother sits on a throne of gold but sometimes the silvered strings of her heart peal though the halls and all Finwë can think is that she sounds so sad. Ah, but she loves them all, even Fëanáro, who needs no friends.

And all Arafinwë hears from his father is a strained silence through which words begin to form. Arafinwë, he says, his name is always in the silence of his fathers thoughts. And then Curufinwë Fëanáro's name slides next to his, or Nolo's even. Arafinwë does not know what it means, though later, after years of practice when the memory bubbles up, he will recognize the comparison for what it is. Arafinwë of the future knows that fathers don't always understand their sons (look at him and Aikanáro), but Arafinwë the child only sees the differences and is hurt.

Nolo, Arafinwë thinks, does not know this feeling. Arafinwë does not have a word for it, but whatever the feeling his father gives him hurts. Nolo wants to please, their mother, but mostly Finwë, High-King Finwë, who has troubled thoughts of his own. Arafinwë can feel them.

Curufinwë. Curufinwë Fëanáro. His oldest brother is so tall that Arafinwë strains his neck and eyes to see him. Sometimes Arafinwë strains his eyes too far, because his sees his brother's face a mask, his arm raises a red sword, but then the youngest falls back into himself, and Fëanáro is Fëanáro again.

And then Fëanáro, Nolofinwë and he all stand together in a line before their father. King Olwë of the Teleri comes to Tirion, and they all must be on their best behavior. But instead of heeding his father, Arafinwë, who is always on his best behavior, listens instead to his brothers. And there it is, the strangest thing of all. Arafinwë tries to conceal his shock, by coughing heatedly to stifle his gasp. He and his brothers are almost never in the same room together (after all, mother once said she did not think the palace would be able to take it, all that Noldo pride sealed in its walls) so how could he notice?

But they sound so similar! He thinks this loud enough for his mother to hear, she looks up from her talk with Findis and frowns at him but he ignores her. How had he never noticed?

The same cast of their thoughts, to please father, to have his attention, his love, to not feel so out of place. Each resenting the other. It gets the point where Arafinwë can not tell who is who? Nolo wants himself to leave the room so that he can have his own audience with father? How does that make sense? But then he feels it, that tiny difference that defines the lifeline of their thoughts, the one that eventually pulls Nolofinwë out of his youth induced stupor.

Love. Nolo, for all his pining after father, is never alone. There in the back to his thoughts Arafinwë can feel Findis' generosity and mother's gently given love (like sunshine on a fine spring day, filling you up after winter). And there is Arafinwë! Through his brother's eyes Arafinwë sees himself, a bit mischievous, and uncanny in his ability to recognize sadness in others, and who unintentionally always makes Nolo smile.

But Fëanáro does not feel or see any of that! Which is ridiculous in Arafinwë' eyes. Really, even Nolo would be his friend if he wanted it. But there it is, plain as day. Fëanáro who feels so alone. Terribly alone. Terrible and alone. "Half-siblings", Fëanáro thinks, "half, not whole, half of me. Not of me."

No strong Findis, or fierce Nolo, and well, everyone knows his mother is dead. They are divided by a word, a name for them artfully crafted on his heart: half. And deeper still in his brother's mind, maybe they are whole and I…

Drawing himself from the dark slant of his brother's thoughts, Arafinwë comes to a decision.

There is Nolo and there is Findis, and the baby is in mother. And there is Fëanáro. Not half, whole, just a brother.

He loves his siblings, and his parents. And he will try to love Fëanáro, even if Fëanáro promises only to snarl right back at him.

Notes:

Nolofinwë- Wise Finwë (Fingolfin)

Arafinwë- Noble Finwë (Finarfin)

Curufinwë- Skillful Finwë (Feanor)

Findis- possibly means skilled woman, also a combination of her parent's names.