Battle for Life.
Disclaimer – Firstly I do not own the rights to CSI: Crime Scene Investigation or any of its characters.
I do not have personal experience either for myself or family/friends of the condition talked about in this story.
Information about symptoms and treatments are researched from the internet.
The work is entirely fictional and I hope that no-one is offended or upset by the content, it is not my intention to cause grief or suffering to readers.
Lastly, this is my first attempt at a CSI fic, so please give me feedback good or bad so I know where I can improve.
Also before anyone says it I know Sara wouldn't have been around during the dates mentioned and in the show there are serious cases going on but I wanted to focus on the characters and the team.
I do not yet have the knowledge or skill to write about crimes in the detail shown in the show.
Ok, here goes. I bought a diary today, a journal for my thoughts and feelings, things I reckon I'm gonna be having a lot of over the next few months.
But this isn't going be any of that dear diary crap, that's for love sick, teenage girls. This isn't going be all about the girl I fancy or the fact that I have a spot in the middle of my face or even my fears about not making the basketball team. Mostly because I am 32 years of age and working as a CSI level 1 in the Las Vegas crime lab.
This is an account of my battle, successful or otherwise with the 'big C.' Yep, I found out today that I have leukaemia, even as I write this down I still can't quite believe its happening.
I've been feeling under the weather for ages, colds, stomach bugs, you name it and I've probably had it recently; seriously I think I used up my sick leave for the next 5 years in the last 2 weeks.
It's not just that though, I don't ever remember a time when I felt so tired all the time, ok I work graveyard, it's bound to take its toll but I've never had a problem before and what is it lately with bruises? I only need to walk into a pillow to get one it seems.
Fact is these are the symptoms that lead me to the office of Dr Raymond Hope; a middle aged man with greying temples and the start of middle age spread. He sits me down and we talk about why I have come to see him; a nice friendly chat, as if I had known him all my life.
I could feel my self relax in that office with its neat furniture and bright white walls. The pine disinfectant smell that lingered on the air reminded me of my last holiday in Norway, visiting some family that I had never met before.
He said I was a little anaemic and that I probably had an infection which was depressing my immune system and making me prone to illness, he took some blood samples and asked me about sleeping and eating habits and then he promised to let me know the results as soon as possible.
Suddenly I find myself in the oncology ward of Mountain View Hospital, being prodded and poked by a whole team of physicians, I can see their mouths moving as they explain to me what is happening, and I can hear their voices but I can't hear their words, my mind is a blur. This can't be happening, I know I will wake up in a minute and find I am imagining it, it's just a dream brought on by a fever……
No such luck! So here I am sitting on my sofa in pyjamas, MTV playing in the background, writing all of this down. In 10 days I start chemotherapy, and I know it sounds weird but I am not scared, perhaps I am still numb and waiting for the information to sink in, or perhaps I know that I can beat this thing and the prospect of having radioactive chemicals pumped through my body only serves to strengthen that resolve, who knows?
You know what worries me more than anything else? The thought of having to tell my friends and family, and the thought of not being able to do the job I love. Well here goes nothing, I have just picked up the phone and am dialling home "Hello mamma…"
Monday 10th September 2007
Mamma didn't take my news too well last night, I really hate to make her cry like that! Of course she wants to come and visit and look after me but I had to let her down gently on that one, much as I love my mor, the last thing I need right now is her fussing around and not letting me out of bed until the treatment is finished.
I am such a mess right now, my head is in the clouds and my stomach is turning summersaults, 9 days to go and today I have to tell my friends what's going on with me. I think if I put it off, if I don't sort it out today, I won't ever manage it. They might guess of course when my hair falls out. Wouldn't say much for their observation skills if they didn't notice that.
"What up G?" Nick entered the labs locker room and found his best friend sitting quietly, apparently lost in thought.
"Huh?" Greg jumped as he realised he was no longer alone.
"Are you ok?" the Texan repeated his question; maybe Greg just hadn't heard him.
"Er yeah, just er thinking about what I gotta do today" the younger man answered, he found he couldn't even look at the man before him.
"Don't give me that B.S. something's going on with you" Greg looked away and took a deep breath, he'd had no idea that Nick would be the first one he had to tell; this guy was his closest friend, they were virtually brothers; he would be devastated. "Come on Greg, it's not like you to hold back."
Swallowing hard the bottle blonde CSI turned his gaze back to his best friend "You know how I've been sick lately?" Nick looked at him; concern in his soft brown eyes "I went to the doctor couple of weeks ago, see if there was a reason behind it, thinking maybe I needed a holiday or something" Greg swallowed again, his tongue seeming to swell in his mouth making it difficult to talk.
"What did he say?" Nick was worried now, for Greg to be this nervous around him it had to be something bad.
"I've got leu…leukaemia" the young man spoke quietly, staring into his lap.
"Leukaemia? That's cancer isn't it?"
Greg nodded sullenly, "Cancer of the blood" he replied squinting in an attempt to stop the tears from falling from his eyes.
Instantly Nick was sitting by his side, looking earnestly into his face "Mate I'm so sorry, I don't know what to say. Is it treatable?"
With a sniff Greg straightened "I start Chemo end of next week" the ex-lab tech paused "Listen don't tell anyone else yet. I still have to inform Grissom and Ecklie. I don't want this getting round the lab before I've had chance to …you know, make it official" Nick nodded, his happy mood seeming to sink to the bottom of a dark pit as if a lead weight was attached.
I can't believe how hard that was this morning, why did it have to be Nick? The others would have been hard to inform, they are all my friends but Nick, he's been like my family since I moved here, it's thanks to him that I am even a CSI. Still I did it, maybe getting the most difficult person out of the way first was a good thing. Still telling Grissom wasn't much better.
Greg walked along to the office at the end of the hall, it was lucky in a way that they did not have many cases tonight, the last thing he needed was a distraction.
The DNA expert knocked lightly and stuck his head around the door "Grissom, can I speak to you for a moment?"
The night shift supervisor glanced upwards from his paperwork "Is it important?" he asked, he was busy and he could feel a headache coming on. Sometimes he just wanted to be left alone.
"Yeah, it sort of can't really wait"
Grissom removed his glasses and leaned back in his chair, Greg seemed even more jumpy than normal. "Come on in, take a seat" he beckoned, indicating the office chair opposite him.
"There's something I need to tell you, only it's kinda hard" Greg sat down and tried to find something to focus on.
Grissom noticed several things at this juncture, his most junior investigator was wringing his hands, and popping his knuckles apparently without realising, he was looking around the office with its many specimens and not focusing on the man in front of him, despite being the one to instigate conversation, and he looked like he couldn't wait to get out of there, clearly this was something that required his full attention. "Take your time" the middle aged man leaned forwards again and folded his hands in front of him, giving the young man his undivided attention. Greg cleared his throat and forced himself to look into the face of his supervisor. "I'm not sure quite how to say this, so I'm just gonna get it over with" he paused and swallowed again "I've got Leukaemia" Greg sighed, he'd done it, now he just had to wait for Grissom's reaction.
Silence settled around the office like a cloud, it seemed like hours had passed by the time Grissom finally spoke "Who else knows about this?" he asked.
"Just Nick, I thought I should probably tell you as soon as possible."
The bearded man nodded wisely "Has treatment started yet?"
Greg shook his head "I am due to start a week Friday, the 21st, after shift" again silence fell between the two men.
"It explains a few things" Grissom murmured quietly "You being so ill recently and the bruises. I guess you've been pretty tired as well."
Greg nodded "Well…er… I should get back to work huh? Cases to solve and people to put behind bars."
Greg got up to leave when Grissom spoke again "You have told your mother haven't you?" he asked, he remembered that the last time he had asked this question, the young man had been reluctant to make the call home, admitting that his parents did not even know of his career change from lab rat to crime scene investigator.
"Yes, not the nicest task. You know as far as I know she has only cried twice in my lifetime, one time when I was graduating and last night when I told her what was happening to me now. She wanted to come straight up and look after me but well I am not sure I can handle that right now" Grissom nodded, past conversations concerning Mrs Sanders had formed a picture in his mind.
There was no doubt that Greg's mother loved him dearly but still it was clear that her son found her overbearing and that he liked to keep at least one border line between them as much as possible. "I'll call a staff meeting in the kitchen, you can tell the others all together, save you having to … work up the courage several times" Grissom returned to his paperwork, business as usual.
I was surprised how well Grissom took it to be honest. I supposed that is what being a supervisor is about, being able to deal with whatever is thrown at you. Still I was glad that he suggested calling a staff meeting, it was silly thinking I could go up to everyone individually and say "Oh by the way, I have cancer. I might get pretty sick in the next few months" not that I would have been able to be that blasé about it.
I made assistant director Conrad Ecklie my next point of call, I don't know if it is because I don't know him so well or that he is a cold hearted ass, but I had no trouble telling him my news, or at least I wasn't worried about how he'd take it.
All he was interested in was "Are you still able to work?" I told him that I would like to keep working; hey the last thing I want is to be stuck at home feeling sorry for myself. Still I suppose I will have to wait and see.
So then it was time for the staff meeting, everyone is sitting round wondering what is going on. I think Nick knew but he was keeping quiet.
Catherine wanted to know what was going on, had there been a gruesome murder in the city that needed all of us, were we being briefed? Warrick seemed relaxed, when doesn't he? Seriously I've never seen that guy even slightly agitated!
Sara well she clearly knew it wasn't a case, after all she has her own police scanner, she knows what's happening out there before Brass does. Poor sweet Sara, I wish I could let her know how I feel about her.
Grissom starts the meeting off "I've brought you here because there is something you all need to know." Nice intro Gil!
Then he passes over to me and I give my star performance "Ladies and Gentlemen, I have called you here today to tell you something important. I have been diagnosed with Leukaemia; I start chemo in 9 days. I thought you should know" Ok I didn't put it quite like that, but you get the picture.
Everyone fell silent, I tried to read their faces, figure out how they felt about my little bombshell, but I couldn't get anything from them, damn these guys have good poker faces!
Tuesday 11th September 2007
This morning I felt great, like a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I know it's a cliché to say that, but it's my journal and I'll write it how I want!
The radio is playing one of my favourite tunes this evening – Holding out for a hero by Bonnie Tyler – please no-one tell Nick and Warrick I listen to chick music in my spare time, I don't think I could live it down!
Thing is I remember this song playing when I was a kid, and I always had a dream of being the hero that it talks about, I suppose as a CSI I am a kind of hero, I might not actually save anyone like a doctor or a policeman but I like to think that I save families by giving loved ones some sort of closure when they lose their nearest and dearest.
What?! Does that sound too self-centred or perhaps like something out of Crime investigator of the month? Hehe actually it was a quote from my best buddy Nick Stokes, guy nearly broke my collar bone when I spread copies round the lab, gee you'd think he would want his 15 minutes of fame.
"Hey Greg, how are you tonight?" Catherine Willows entered the DNA lab with her usual tenacity and fixed her green eyes on the trainee investigator with a motherly concern.
"I'm good thanks, how are you?" the young man looked up from his paperwork and smiled at the strawberry blonde before him.
"Quite a bombshell you dropped yesterday" the ex-dancer continued. "Yeah, I thought it would be better to get it out in the open as soon as possible. Before I lost my nerve."
The older woman smiled and let her eyes fall to the report she was holding briefly "You on DNA tonight?" she asked, curious to see the young man back in his old stomping ground.
"Yeah, Wendy called in sick and Ecklie figured since I was already here, there was no point disturbing Julie from day shift and have to fork out the over-time. You need something doing?"
So anyway back to today, work was a little strange, people were looking at me funny all day, they didn't say anything just kind of gave me sympathetic smiles as if to say "We'll understand if you need to cry or if you feel your not up to doing something." Hey maybe this is my chance to get out of dumpster diving " Grissom, I would love to go check out that report of evidence in a dumpster but well I'm not feeling too hot at the minute, do you think someone else could go check it out?"
I'm working on a case with Catherine and Nick at the moment, obviously I can't write anything about it down but here's my conclusion, the butler did it! He always does ;)