Author's Note: As a big fan of both Runescape and Monty Python, it was inevitable that I would start to wonder what it would be like if "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" (best movie EVER!) took place in Runescape. This was originally written before the removal of the old Wilderness and while the macros were still running rampant, but it seems to work fairly well in the current environment. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I do not own Runescape or Monty Python. *sobs*
Cast:
King Arthur- King Arthur
Sir Bedivere- Sir Bedivere
Sir Lancelot- Sir Lancelot
Sir Galahad- Sir Galahad
Sir Robin- White Knight Squire
Narrator- Various NPCs
Patsy and the Other Knights' Servants- Wilderness Cape Salesmen
Guards- Guards
"Bring Out Your Dead!" Guy- Mourner
Regular People- Regular Men and Women NPCs
"Not Dead" Fred- King Lathas
Dennis- Fred the Farmer
Black Knight- A PKer in black armor
Witch Who Is Not a Witch- Hetty the Witch
Saradomin- Saradomin
French Taunters- Men with steel medium helms, black studded leather armor, and handlebar mustaches
Famous Historian- Haig Halen (Varrock Museum Curator)
Minstrels- NPCs with instruments and green jester outfits
3-Headed Giant- Black Knight Titan from Holy Grail quest with three heads
Old Man- Wise Old Man
Head Knight Who Says Ni- Tall guy with Warrior Helm, full jungle hunter outfit and eagle cape.
Knights Who Say Ni- Guys in jungle hunter outfit and Fremennik Helms
King of Swamp Castle- Baraek, the Varrock Fur seller
Old Crone- Sin Seer
Roger (Ali in story) the Shrubber- Ali Morrisane
Prince Herbert- Evil Dave
Tim the Enchanter- Fire Wizard
Father Maynard- Father Lawrence
Killer Rabbit- A very large, white, evil bunny.
Black Beast of Arrgh! - Comical, cartoony-looking King Black Dragon
Surprise Guest Star: The Sandwich Lady
Chapter 1: Coconuts
It was a foggy spring morning in the small town of Lumbridge. A day just like any other day. Or so it was believed. In truth, this day would begin an epic adventure of untold comic proportions!
Out of the fog came two men. One seemed to be a wealthy knight or lord in beautifully made plate armor. The other was a man in worn clothes with an over-filled sack on his back. Down along the forest path they "rode," the noble galloping along with his body positioned as if he was riding upon a white charger. His companion followed at a fast clip banging together two halves of empty coconut shells to simulate the sound of galloping hooves. Their destination was Lumbridge Castle.
As they made their way towards the castle's high western wall, the noble man accidentally ran into a tree macroer and knocked the bot over. The nobleman carried on oblivious; while the man with the coconuts paused to kick the cheater in the ribs.
Just as they reached the base of the castle wall, a thick-accented voice called out from the ramparts.
"Halt!" called the guard, "Who goes there?"
"It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon from the court of Camelot," replied the noble, "Defeater of the Saxons! Sovereign of all England!"
"Who's the other one?" questioned the guard.
"This is my trusty servant Patsy," the king replied. "We have ridden since the snows of winter, searching for brave knights who will join me at my court of Camelot! Through the Fremmenik Province, through..."
"What? Riding? As in on a horse?" asked the confused guard.
"Yes."
"No you're not. You're using coconuts!"
"What?"
"Horses don't even exist in Runescape you clod!" the guard declared. "You've got two empty halves of coconuts, and you're bangin' em together!"
"So? Anyway, go and tell your master, Duke Horacio of Lumbridge, if he would wish to join my court at Camelot. That is my business here, I-"
"Where'd you get the coconuts?" the guard demanded.
King Arthur paused for a moment to think, and then replied simply, "We found them."
"Found them? In Relleka!?" the incredulous guard replied in disbelief, "But the coconut is tropical!"
"What do you mean?" asked Arthur in puzzlement.
"Well this is a TEMPERATE ZONE!"
"The swallow may fly south for the winter to seek warmer climes, yet are these not strangers to our land?"
The guard paused for a moment to consider this, and then replied in a suspicious (of Arthur) manner, "Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?"
"Not at all!" Arthur exclaimed, alarmed by the absurdity of the idea. "It can be carried."
"What!? A swallow carryin' a coconut!?"
"It could grip it by the husk!"
"It's not a matter of where he grips it," the guard answered as if explaining an obvious fact to a five year old, "It's a simple matter of weight ratios! A 5 ounce bird, can NOT carry a one pound coconut, am I right?"
"Please!" Arthur declared, now extremely weary of this odd conversation, "Will you go and ask Duke Horacio if he wants to join my court at Camelot?"
Unfortunately, the guard had no interest in ending it.
"Look, in order to maintain air speed velocity, a swallow must flap its wings 43 times, every second," he said, "Am I right?"
"PLEASE!" Arthur half begged.
"Am I right?" the guard pressed.
"I'm not interested!"
To the dimensionally displaced king's horror, a second guard appeared and carried on the conversation.
"It could be carried by a Karamjan swallow!" the second guard said.
"Well yeah, a Karamjan swallow maybe," the first guard conceded. "But not a Misthalin swallow. That's what I was talking about."
"Oh, yeah."
Arthur rolled his eyes in an irritated manner and said, "Come Patsy, we'll go around."
"Yes, sire," the servant replied.
And so Arthur and Patsy turned about and began to ride around the castle to the east gate. Along the way, Arthur draws his legendary sword, Excalibur, from its sheath and deftly cuts off the head of the macro that he had knocked over earlier in order to vent his frustrations.
Meanwhile, the two guards continued on their conversation of swallows and coconuts, completely oblivious to the fact that the men with the strange ideas of migrating coconuts had already left.
"But wait, the Karamjan swallow is non-migratory, isn't it?"
"Oh, yeah. Well, what if two swallows carried it together?"
"No, no; they'd have to have it on some sort of line."
"Well why not?"
Numerous reports against these two guards from earlier incidents led to their sacking the next morning.
To Be Continued...