Disclaimer : Wait a second (checks her papers, bills, mail…)… Nope, still not mine! They're still the propriety of Joss and ME, and they're still unhappy and depressed. Life is unfair.
Rating : I'd say, PG-13. Some cursing, the f word, but hey, with Spike, what would you expect?
Author : BlackbAngeL
Summary : Post NFA. This is a discussion between Spike and Angel. Spike kicks Angel's ass on the right path… It was supposed to be a prequel to my other fic 'Destiny', so for now, you can consider that it is. But maybe I'll write another chapter and take a completely different direction, who knows?
Special thanks : To Ivana, for her help and her really quick Beta-reading!!
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The things we do for love
For the hundredth time this day, he wondered what he was doing here. He was sitting in an armchair, the same he had been sitting in for the last four hours, in Spike's apartment. He was staring at the wall, a beer in his hand.
Three days earlier, they had finally taken down the Senior Partners. It was over.
The battle had been terrible. They had fought for hours on end, knowing they wouldn't survive, but trying to take as many demons as possible with them. Gunn had died after a few minutes. It was probably better that he did; at least, he hadn't suffered too much.
Angel hadn't thought he would make it through this. He'd been ready to die, he'd come to terms with the idea… He'd even welcomed it. Some peace, finally…
But he had survived, as well as Spike and Illyria. Something he hadn't thought was even possible.
But there was something else he hadn't see coming. Something he had stopped dreaming of a long time ago… A future he had signed away with his blood. Or so he thought.
He hadn't thought he would turn human.
Life was full of surprises, wasn't it?
And here he was. Brooding. Wondering what he was going to do with this life he didn't really want anymore.
They had just buried Wes and Gunn in the courtyard behind the Hyperion. His two last friends… They were dead because of him. They'd deserved to live, they'd deserved to be given the life he didn't know what to do with. He'd known, before it had started, that they weren't going to make it… But he'd thought at that moment that he would fall with them.
Now, he had to live with the knowledge that he was the one who had brought them their death. And he'd been rewarded for that. He didn't know how to cope with it.
He heard the sound of a door opening behind him, but didn't bother to turn around. It could only be Spike, Illyria had disappeared in the sewers shortly after the battle. They had supposed that she needed to grieve her own way.
"Is there any beer left?"
Angel didn't reply, still lost in his thoughts. He'd thought, when he'd felt his heart beat in his chest, that Spike would resent him for getting this gift. That he would be jealous, and curse every Power that Be that would hear him.
But he hadn't. Strangely enough, he had just made a single comment… He'd smiled, sighed, and said quietly "Guess it was you, finally…". Then, he had helped Angel standing up, and invited him to stay in his apartment for a few days.
He came back to reality when Spike sat on the couch, facing him, taking a sip of his beer.
"Don't take it the wrong way, 's not that I don't like you… Well, maybe it is… But you're not planning on staying forever, are you?" Spike asked. "Because you know, I'd like to get my apartment back for myself…"
"I just need a few days to get my bearings" Angel said "then I'll leave."
There was a short silence.
"What are you going to do?" It was the third time Spike asked this. Angel had never replied.
"I don't know…" he said after a moment. "I…Maybe I'm going to call…Nina, and tell her she can come back. Then I'll see where we can go and…"
Spike snorted loudly, cutting him off.
"Okay, let me rephrase, you big Pouf… What do you 'want' to do?"
"What is that supposed to mean?" Angel asked with a frown.
"I don't know… I just thought that the first thing you would have done was to jump on a plane headed for Europe."
Angel sighed, obviously annoyed. "You know I can't do this."
"Why not? It's not that hard. You go to the airport, talk to nice hostess, and buy a first-class ticket to Rome." Spike said slowly, as if talking to a three year old.
"I told you I can't, Spike. And when exactly did you become so fond of the idea of me with Buffy? A few weeks ago, you were ready to go to her, sweep her off her feet and kill me if I tried to interfere…"
Spike let out a small laugh. "A few weeks ago, you weren't human. I'm not stupid, you know? I told you I never stood a chance with her. She never loved me… Or, actually, I think she did, to a certain extent. But not like I wanted her to." He paused, then added "And you know why?"
"Because you're a pain in the ass?"
Spike shot him a glare. "No, you bloody wanker. She didn't love me, for the same reason that she couldn't really love Captain Cardboard. We weren't tall, dark, and broody enough for her taste. Because, and I'd be damned if I can understand why, she's been in love with the same fucking ponce for years. And just in case you didn't understand, the ponce is you." he said with an annoyed voice. "I'm not sure she's even aware of that. And if she is, she wouldn't admit it for the world. But I know her." Then, after a pause, he added "Probably better than anyone" with a smug smile.
Angel glared at him, and Spike's smile widened.
"She's moved on, Spike. You saw it, as well as I saw it. She doesn't want me, or any of us for that matter, in her life." Angel said, his voice bitter and hurt.
"Sure. Keep telling yourself that." There was a silence, and then he blinked, and added hastily "You know what, you're right, go to your beloved werewolf, live happily ever after, and me, I'm going to go to Rome in your place. I'm sure she'll be thrilled to learn what happened… Maybe it'll finally give me a chance." He stood up and started to walk away.
Angel sighed again. Why did Spike suddenly tell him to go to Buffy? He started to wonder if his childe hadn't lost a few more brain cells in the battle.
"Listen, Spike…" he started to say.
"No, you listen! You really are a moron, you know that? I really don't know what she sees in you. But then again, love is blind, isn't it?"
He turned around, and starting to walk closer to Angel.
"I travelled halfway around the world, suffered horrible trials, and got myself a soul, hoping that she would finally love me, and she didn't! You, the overly hair-gelled pouf that you are, you have her love handed to you on a bloody silver platter, and you don't take it! That's beyond me! Do you have any idea of what I would give to be in your place?! And now, you are human, you can be with her, and you just won't even try! And why? Because you're a coward! You're afraid that she will tell you to leave!"
Angel sat in a stunned silence, shocked by Spike's outburst. But before he could utter a word, the vampire started to shout again.
"You never got it, right? You really don't know who she is… Nothing would make her happier than that. Nothing. She's got you under her skin, mate. And she deserves a little bit of happiness, don't you think?"
On these words, he left the living room and slammed the bathroom door behind him.
Angel sat there a few more minutes, pondering what Spike had just said. He could hardly believe what had just happened. He knew his childe couldn't stand him, and that he was incredibly jealous. So why the sudden change of behaviour? But after all, he had stopped trying to understand Spike a long time ago.
He had denied himself to simply entertain the idea of going to Buffy. He didn't know what he would do if she rejected him. And he had pretty much given up every hope of a future with her. She'd moved on, and he'd just started to accept it. He had started something with Nina, something safer, easier… Or at least, it was, before the battle. He'd really thought he wasn't going to survive, so he hadn't really imagined what their relationship would become in the future.
He'd lied to himself, saying that he didn't want to go to Buffy, that it was over, that it was too late… He'd managed to convince himself that it was true. The King of Denial, really.
Had she really moved on? After all, she wasn't going to spend her life with the Immortal, was she? And what exactly prevented him to try? It wasn't like he had anything to lose…
Spike's little speech had finally opened something in him. Cracked the wall of stubborn resignation he had built around his heart. Maybe his childe was right, as much as it pained him to admit it.
He and Buffy had a lot to work out. There was a lot of mistakes, of past, to forgive, if they wanted to build something strong. They had the ability to hurt each other more than anybody else in the world. But then again, they'd loved each other more than anything in the world… and they probably still did. It was time to act upon it, wasn't it?
Something snapped in his head, and before he knew what he was doing, he was throwing his jacket on his shoulders. He didn't have any possessions anymore, just the clothes on his back and his wallet… But it would be enough for what he wanted to do. He threw his empty bottle of beer in the bin, just as Spike got out of the bathroom, drying his hair with a towel.
"You leaving?" the blond asked.
"Yeah." Angel headed for the door, and when he reached the doorknob, turned around to look at his childe. "And, Spike?"
"What?"
Angel looked at him in the eyes. "Thank you."
Spike snorted. "Believe me, I didn't do it for you."
Angel smiled, the first genuine smile he had ever addressed him. "Yeah… I figured as much."
And he left, quietly closing the door behind him.
Spike watched his moron of a Grand-Sire leave the apartment. He'd thought he would never see the day. As much as it had hurt him to say those things, he knew it was for the best. He could picture the expression on Buffy's face in his mind, the one she would have when she would see the bloody ponce in the sunlight. He could hear her laughter, and feel her joy…
Yeah, that hurt. But it was worth it.
He sighed, finally averting his gaze from the door, and shook his head.
"The things I would do for love…" he muttered under his breath.
He headed for the kitchen. There was a fine bottle of Irish whiskey hidden behind the weetabix. He really needed a good drink.
The end!!
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