Title: Egregious egotistic

Author: mad-voldie

Pairing: Kai/Jou

Warnings: Slash, you know boys on boys, 1st person narration...

Disclaimer: Yu-Gi-Oh is not mine. Unfortunately. My lawyers are still fighting for my rights. After all it was me, who came up with the idea and not Kazuki Takahashi. Okay, that was a blatant lie. Can't do anything about my notorious lying habits. :D

I hate my life. I really do. Sometimes, when it's really bad, like today for example, I think that there's a big conspiracy going on against my person.

I bet Seto Kaiba has his scrawny fingers behind it all. He's always involved in everything that serves the purpose of making me miserable. Stupid stuck-up asshole.

Always the optimistic one that I am, I console myself with the thought that someday he will be suffering in hell. Yeah! That day I will be dancing on his grave. That will wipe the smirk of the rich boy's face. But wait! If he's dead, then he won't be smirking ever again, and I will be like deprived of my only amusement at school. Only in a twisted kind of way. You know? And no, I am not the type of person, who gets a boner, just because Seto Kaiba is pressing me down on the ground while sitting on my stomach.

Of course not!

Who gave you that idea?

But I can't blame him for jumping me. I am a natural good looking person, so it's no wonder. And the hair gel I bought last week at the mall certainly makes me look even more gorgeous.

Don't you think?

I am not the least bit arrogant and stuck-up. No, me never! That's more of an attribute you would connect to Kaiba and not my tiny little self. So, where was I?

I kind of got off the topic, didn't I?

So I was at school today. Yeah, punks like me also go to school sometimes. Really! No joke there. I was half an hour earlier at school. I am always half an hour earlier there. Why? I don't like being at home, when my dad is also there. He is probably sitting in the old and worn-out couch (which we named affectionately 'Comfy') while watching his porn videos. Why should I stay there, when he is ogling the TV?

It's kind of disturbing to think of my dad like that. Of course he doesn't know that I know that he is watching this kind of stuff.

Thank God.

If he would know, I would probably be lectured about manners and other stuff. It would kind of go like this: "Son, I am not pleased. How many times have I told you not to pry into my things? I am really disappointed in you. Never heard of privacy? Ha? Now stop bugging me!" And after some minutes he would yell as an afterthought: "Katsuya, until you are 30 you are not allowed to watch this stuff or look at certain magazines. Did you understand me?" Blah, blah. I get gastric ulcers just thinking about his reaction.

How did I find his super duper (or not so) hiding-place to begin with?

Well, for a 40-and-somewhat-year-old he is very unoriginal.

I kind of stumbled on them, when I was dusting the cupboard. Yeah, I don't really like dust and all this dirty things. First I have a house-dust allergy (you know, the really wicked and foul creatures called mites?) and second I assume that I am slightly neurotic in this way, I think. (But don't tell Kaiba, he will laugh his ass off, if he ever gets wind of it. Not that I care he if he knows. I really don't.)

But even if I am a neat-freak, I don't really like to organize my school work. (School is a NO NO topic for me. I am too lazy for my own good. With this attitude, I will still be at school when I am all old and and wrinkly. ) Got it? Me neither. Have I already mentioned that I am easily confused and get quickly off topic?

So, where was I? Yeah, so while I was placidly (maths homework could wait all eternity, after all) dusting the shelves, I also wanted to dust behind the cupboard. So what should a gorgeous blond and way too modest duelist do? I tried to shove it from the side. But as 'luck' was on my side, I kind of tripped over some toy (It looked suspiciously like a rubberduck), fell against the cupboard (bruised the whole right side of my 'now not so perfect anymore' face.) and the cupboard kissed the ground.

Bye, bye cupboard.

I even waved at it, as it seemed like it would go down in a slow motion. (like in one of those movies…) Childish? Yeah. That's me.

So here I was standing in the middle of the living room, after gotten almost killed by a rubberduck (!!!) and I was waiting.

What was I waiting for, you may ask yourself now?

Well, always the optimistic optimist, I thought that maybe the cupboard would be back at it's original place, if I only thought hard enough.

So after a while, there was this kind of mantra in my head: Stand up, stand up, stand up, stand up…

After a while it went like this: stap stap stap.. and so on and on.

Everything got into a big messy jumble. Okay, now that I realized (after exactly 24 minutes and 67 seconds) that the cupboard would not succumb to my wish, I gave up trying to communicate through telepathy with "it". I assume it doesn't work with impersonal objects. (Tea forced me to watch "Wild and female" with her. There was this scene about telepathy and other girly stuff. After having to watch this film twice in a row, I seriously considered switching sides. You know forget girls and do stuff with boys. After that thought the sudden urge overcame me and I had to rinse out my mouth with soap. Exactly 9 and a half times. A half, because there was no soap left anymore. Then I came to my senses and I swear that even now which is about 3 months after the incident I can still taste the pungent soap, rose flavoured I think it was, in my mouth. Yuck!)

After starting to stare a hole into the wall, I realized that there really was a big black hole in the wall. (I still am considering whether my gaze had to something with it or not.) And it was ugly too. Ugh! Curious as I unfortunately am, I tip-toed to it, but still held a safe distance to it.

One can never know, what can jump out of such a hole. (e.g. giant cockroaches which were artificially created for the sole purpose of destroying the world or the worst: eliminating the Jounouchi-clan. Horrible!) By the time I could identify the hidden 'creature', I was shivering (from the cold obviously. What else?) from head to toe. I was really relieved when I could make out the cheesy porn collection of my one and only dad.

Puh! That means no vile creatures. Thank god. The pleasure of seeing Weevil's charming visage was enough for one man to last through his whole life.

Okay, so discovering that dad had this really ugly porn, form Romania I think, came as no shock to me. After all, the man has no taste at all. And I would know, as I have known him since..hm..since my birth actually. That was like 17 years ago. Okay, not exactly 17, but what are 2 weeks? Pathetic, yeah.

Come on old man, there are so much better Japanese porns outta there, but NO, he had to watch that east European stuff. Icky!

Back to the topic. (Off and on. On and off. I've lost the overview.)

I was at school, way too early as always, when suddenly I remembered that I had forgotten to switch off the stove. Fuck! Damn! By the time I got back to my penthouse, ahem, sry I meant to my humble apartment building, it was almost all burnt down and a whole lot of people were gathered around it. (around the last bits and pieces which I once called home..Life sucks) Some of them were fire fighters, who instead of trying to extinguish the fire, were smoking these expensive cigarettes from Cuba, while the police was snuffing cocaine.

Crazy world, isn't it?

And my dad surely had seen better days. He was all black and some skin parts were even hanging of him in a kind of freaky way. (That's so out, dad!) Some parts of him were blistering too and looking awfully red too. So no way in hell, that he could go to the parent's day tomorrow, when he looked like THIS. Awful. What has the world come to? Old men are so old fashioned nowadays. Where's the fashion police when you need them. Ha? And of course there were also people who just stood there (and by the way, have no life of there own) and watched the building (pink, can you imagine? I get a tingling feeling just seeing this colour.)

You know the kind of people who get off while watching buildings burn and other unnatural stuff.

The kind of people who will just watch while an innocent is being mauled by the one and only (thank god, there's only one of HIM) Kaiba Seto. (The people I mentioned will know. Stupid stupid students at school. Diediedie!)

And I am not like that!

Hell no!

Really not!

I think they are called curious on-lookers or something like that. Or was it rubbernecks? I am too easily confused for my own good.

Okay, so while my apartment block was burning (it looked kind of cool, you know, like in one of those movies where something explodes, minus the people jumping out of it, looking completely and utterly amazing (and fuckable). Plus surviving the fire with a few bruises, while still looking great, without even one hair out of place.), I was thinking.

What exactly was I thinking?

Well…

I forgot to give back the porn..ahem..the Japanese books to Tristan. Fuck! He is so gonna kill me. But wait. Now, I have a good excuse. "Sorry, bud, the chicks..ahem the books were victims of the big great fire. But don't fret, I paid them tribute. Cross your heart!"

I think (again, I think that it's already been too much thinking for one day.) I was just standing some time there and just doing nothing, besides staring at the flames in a kind of dazed way. Beautiful Fire. Fire. Fire. Fire. Burn, house, burn. * Insert Evil laughter here (à la Kaiba Seto). In that moment I really questioned my sanity.

***

In another part of the town Kaiba Seto sat at his expensive desk in his even more expensive leather shoes and quashed the sudden need to sneeze. "I better not be coming down with something.", he said more to himself than anyone else. With one look outside he glared at a bypassing cloud that looked suspiciously like a puppy and with a sigh, he closed his laptop and made himself ready to leave work earlier. He was the boss. If he wanted to leave earlier, which happend once in a blue moon, he damn well could do so without anyone questioning him. His secretary stared 'discreetly' at him and so did the rest of his employees, but he paid them no heed. With a last look at the buidling he got into his waiting limousine, eager to see his little brother and get a decent amout of coffee ( about two liters) in his blood system. No more thought was paid to a certain blond and annoying mutt, for now.

I have no idea where I am going with this. R & R please :-)

Anyone interested in an unpaid beta position?

Cheers!