Everything around me was in its right place. No shoes on the floor. No clothes hanging on the chairs around the small table. The single bed was made. The bookshelf was clean, not a speck of dust to be found on its dark wood surface, the books within it sorted by size – the smallest to the biggest.

One of these things is not like the others. I was standing up, looking lost, like I didn't belong here. Sitting on the bed or pulling out a chair felt wrong.

Everything was in its right place.

I couldn't stay here. Ironically, this was my own room. Everything inside it belonged to me. I had organized it in an attempt to pass the time as I waited, but it hadn't helped. It didn't make the time pass any faster, every second had felt like forever. I had nowhere to go, though. Everywhere there were people, and I couldn't stand people, not now. So I sat down on the floor, trying to make myself as small as possible to stop spoiling the perfection around me. It wasn't that hard, despite my height. I was feeling small, insignificant.

Hugging my knees and bringing them as close to my chest as possible, I closed my eyes. I tried to detach myself from any emotion even though the turmoil inside me was demanding attention. A little voice inside my head, a voice that had stopped haunting me a very long time ago, hissed out a laugh. You have to feel it, said the voice, you owe her this much. It was your fault, after all. It should have been you.

I felt a strange urge to laugh, not in amusement. The voice was right, of course. It always has been, ever since the first time I heard it, but I had stopped listening to it and eventually, it became silent. I remembered the day I had realized it was gone. It was the day I had accepted someone in my life, someone I shouldn't have let in but appeared out of thin air with so much beauty and so much love that I couldn't help myself. I had felt forgiven. But now that someone was gone.

You can't even bring yourself to say her name. Is that how you keep your promises? She deserved better.

She did.

"Rose", I said in a small voice, breaking the eerie silence without opening my eyes. Something charged through the air around me. She had that power. Even when she wasn't around, saying her name was enough to evoke an electric current, something primal and essentially her. Before I met her, my mind was as neat as the room around me. I didn't allow myself any slips, not at work, not at my personal life. I wasn't always like this. The control and the order were things I had had to fight for. This wasn't the first time something terrible had happened to me, but it was so much worse than anything I had experienced before that I couldn't have prepared myself for it, not even in a million years.

I opened my eyes.

There was a rip in the wallpaper in the wall I was facing, just above the bed. Had it always been there? I had never noticed it before. It was almost like saying Rose's name aloud ripped off part of the room, making it look inhabited. I got up.

"Rose", I said again, louder, throwing the chairs away from the table.

"Rose", I took the clothes off of the closet and threw them on the floor as well, followed by the shoes.

"Rose", I slid my hands through the bookshelf, dropping the worn-out books to the floor.

"Rose", I grabbed the ripped wallpaper and pulled it to me, widening the gap and tearing it apart, leaving a fresh wound in the wall.

"Rose", I collapsed on the bed, kicking the sheets and blankets.

I gave away to my feelings without a conscient effort to do so. I couldn't breathe but I couldn't cry either. It was like someone was sitting on my chest. I couldn't even move.

Yesterday, the woman I loved died.

It was really dark in the cave; none of the Moroi fire users was with us. The place was compromised and the roof had already collapsed once, barely missing our group. We were trapped and I was fighting for my life as fiercely as I could in the limited space. I couldn't drop my guard, the enemies kept charging at me and my allies. We were outnumbered. Even though I would never be as strong or as fast as the Strigoi I was fighting against, my skill was proving to be enough for now. I was alive.

This battle was the result of another one that had happened just the day before. St. Vladimir's, the school I worked for as a Guardian, was attacked by a pack of Strigoi. Many had died and some were brought to the cave as means for the Strigoi to feed after they fled. We wouldn't have been able to find them and lead this rescue mission without Rose and her ability to talk to the dead. She had found out where the prisoners were and the guardians had volunteered to bring them back.

Rose.

My heart skipped a beat when I saw her coming in. I held my ground, not allowing myself to be distracted. I had to live so I could help her. Not that she needed much help, though. She brought her enemies down, doing it well and doing it fast because she was just that good.

The Strigoi numbers kept reducing as we kept staking them and conquering territory until there were only two of them and Guardian Alberta Petrov yelled at us to start retreating. I staked one of the remnants and started cornering the other, alongside with Alberta and two other guardians. We took him down quickly and followed our group.

After crawling out of the gap in the wall that kept us from the rest of the cave, I found her eyes in the dark. I was relieved to see her alive and well and could see that she felt the same way about me. We made our way to the exit, fighting any Strigoi that crossed our paths. I refused to collapse from exhaustion and kept going, waiting for my orders.

I could see Rose when we were closer to the exit. The sunlight was bathing her, and I knew that she was safe. I was almost there… and then everything changed when we were caught by surprise. Three Strigoi charged at us out of nowhere. One of them grabbed me and I knew I was lost, despite the fact that I was still trying to get free. But in that moment a fast shadow darted to me and bumped into the Strigoi's chest, taking him down and giving me room to escape. My vision was blurred by the blood dripping from a wound in my forehead and I couldn't see anything clearly. I got up and felt a hand pulling me to the safety of the sun when five other Strigoi appeared. Only then I realized that Rose wasn't out there anymore. I turned, looking for her, realizing too late the identity of my savior.

My blood froze in my veins at the sight of a blond Strigoi, the same one that had charged to me before, sinking his fangs into the same neck I had caressed and kissed just yesterday. I was seeing red and screaming Rose's name. I charged, but two sets of arms stopped me.

"What are you doing, Dimitri? More are coming" said Stan Alto, another Guardian from school. I identified Alberta helping Stan to keep me in place as I thrashed against them. I tried to break free. Rose was there, she needed me. I had promised to keep her safe. Rose was dying and they had to let me go.

Janine Hathaway, Rose's mom, approached me then. Tears were streaming down her face as she screamed at me "We have to go".

"Can't you see? She's in there! Rose's in there!" I screamed back struggling. It spoke legions about my exhaustion that I wasn't able to break away from their grip. Janine joined forces with them.

"Rose's dead! The sun is coming down in fifteen minutes and they're waiting for us. They will run after us and we have to get to the wards" she slapped me hard then and locked her gaze on mine. "My daughter saved your life, Dimitri, and I won't let you waste it now."

The Strigoi were gathered at the front of the cave, eyeing us expectantly. I knew that with their speed we needed every second we could get, and I knew Janine was right, but I didn't want to leave. Going back to the caves would mean my death, and even though I couldn't care less about myself, I was too late. There was no saving Rose. There was only dying and wasting her sacrifice. She wouldn't want it. If I was in her place, as it should have been, I would want her to run as fast as she could, harder than ever.

"Dimitri, come!" Janine screamed one last time as I turned away and ran with the others.

I knew the sun would rise soon. Another group of guardians would go back to the caves to bring back the bodies of the fallen. I would go with them. When dealing with Strigoi, I needed to see the body. Without it, there was no disclosure. I wasn't numb; it was like I was on hold. I didn't want to consider the options – even though I had no hope of finding her alive – because there were things worse than death. I had to bring her back. I had to hold her one last time before saying goodbye for good.

That's why I forced myself to hold back the feelings that were swirling on my chest. Rose needed me one last time. I had to be there for her. It gave me a goal. I had to get up. Get dressed. Go downstairs, to the meeting that was about to start. Put an emotionless façade, look more like a guardian and less like the broken man I was in this moment. Face her mother, Alberta, and the others, knowing that I was the one to blame. No one but Rose could make me be brave in this moment, but for her, I would do anything, be anything. I owed her that much.

A.N.: Hey there, people! This is my first fanfic. I started reading fanfiction because of Vampire Academy, so I thought I needed to create my own as a way to balance things with the Universe (?). I never found any AU in which Rose turned Strigoi instead of Dimitri in the end of Shadow Kiss, and I was really curious about how it would have turned out. Where would Rose go? Would Dimitri be able to find her? Would he kill her before finding a way to restore her? So I started writing, even though English is not my first language, so I'm probably making a lot of mistakes. Please, don't overlook them! Tell me everything I did wrong so I can get better :) This fanfic is dedicated to Gigi256 and objectiveheartmuscle, my favorite DPOV writers of all times. Thanks for your time and please, review.