((A/N: This was written for my Canada as a Christmas present. She presented me with the song, and I went ahead and wrote what came to mind. XD Hope you enjoy it.))
Disclaimer: I own nothing of Hetalia. I don't even own the song lyrics used in this fic. Don't suuuue!
To Be With You
The lamp is burnin' low upon my table top
The snow is softly falling
The air is still within the silence of my room
I hear your voice softly calling
With a loud gasp, Matthew Williams sat bolt upright in bed, looking around wildly for the source of the noise. He was sure that he had heard… But no, it couldn't be him. Matthew's head dropped to his knees as he curled in upon himself, wrapping both arms around his legs and shaking.
This was how Matthew had taken to waking almost every day for the past few months. Ever since he had gotten the news that Gilbert had gone missing - presumed dead. He had only been visiting his brother, Ludwig, in Germany, but… The plane went down, somewhere over the ocean. No bodies were recovered.
Not even the body of the ex-nation.
Yet every morning, the grieving Canadian was sure that he heard his lover's voice calling to him. No, not his lover. He and Gilbert had actually tied the knot right before the incident. Gilbert was his husband, and more than that. Gilbert was his soul mate. So was it really that strange that he would wake to the voice of the other half of his soul every morning?
The disappointment that came with realization was worse today than most days, though. Because as Matthew raised his head, his eyes lit on the window, out of which he could see snow softly falling.
It was Christmas day. And still Gilbert hadn't come home, like he had promised to.
If I could only have you near
To breathe a sigh or two
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love
Upon this winter night with you
Somehow, Matthew made it through most of the day without breaking down. Of course, he could get through days at a time without any overwhelming amounts of pain now, but today was Christmas - and it was supposed to have been his and Gilbert's first Christmas together. Thankfully, all of his family showed up at various points in the day.
Arthur came in the morning, bringing pancakes (bad pancakes…) and gifts and lots of tea. He stayed until nearly noon, when he left regretfully. Matthew understood. He had other places to go. Francis showed up soon after that and stayed through dinner. His presence actually helped to calm Matthew even more, especially with the few glasses of wine that Francis forced upon him. And the moment Francis had left, Alfred had shown up, staying until ten that night, when Matthew finally ushered him out, claiming that he needed a little bit of time by himself.
Which he did. Matthew had held himself together perfectly through the whole day. But now it was growing to be too much, and more than anything, he didn't want to break down in front of any of his family. When he had seen Alfred out of his house, Matthew moved over to his fireplace, sitting down in the chair that Gilbert always used to sit in, burying his face in his hands.
The smoke is rising in the shadows overhead
My glass is almost empty
I read again between the lines upon each page
The words of love you sent me
The last glass of wine was keeping him intact somewhat. Matthew stared at the last text message he had received from Gilbert dazedly. It was a simple text, that the Prussian had sent upon getting on the plane: "hey birdie. dum l8 flite. promise i'll b home soon. 3" It was just like Gilbert, and Matthew had to laugh reading it, the edges of his vision blurred by the beverage. At least, he thought that it was the alcohol blurring his vision. That was, until he felt the hot droplets running down his cheeks.
"Dammit," he muttered, bringing a hand up to wipe at his eyes. "There's no use crying!" He was talking to himself - and possibly Kumajiro, who had taken to avoiding the Canadian because of his perpetual sadness and tendency to shun the polar bear when he was upset - but he didn't really care very much. Sometimes, he liked to think that Gilbert was right there listening to him muttering to himself, snickering at how silly he sounded. But right now, he couldn't help but think differently.
If I could know within my heart
That you were lonely too
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love
Upon this winter night with you
"Please," Matthew whispered, leaning forward over folded hands, sobbing. "Please, dear God. A… A Christmas miracle. Please… Just… let him be alive. I know it's… it's not likely, but… God, please, I'm dying without him…!"
And it was true. As little as he liked to admit it, Matthew had grown to rely on the one person in the world who was able to see him, no matter what. Without Gilbert in his life, Matthew felt like he had become less than invisible - he had become nonexistent, taking the place of the ex-nation. He and Gilbert had been one person, and now he was only half of a person without Gilbert there.
The fire is dying now, my lamp is growing dim
The shades of night are liftin'
The morning light steals across my windowpane
Where webs of snow are driftin'
Matthew cried long into the night. Midnight came and went, and yet the Christmas miracle he continued to pray for never came. Sometime around four in the morning, Matthew's tears were utterly spent and he was staring dejectedly at the dying fire, all the life draining out of him in his exhaustion.
His eyes were glazed over as the embers slowly went out in the fire and light began to seep through the window. Dawn already? he thought bitterly. How tiresome. Could he really handle another day?
Matthew was starting to think that he couldn't possibly live through this anymore. Not after the night he had just had. His mind was clicking slowly into place, and the only option he could really see anymore was not going to pleasant for all of those that survived him, but… What else could he do? He needed to be with Gilbert. And if taking his own life was the only way…
If I could only have you near
To breathe a sigh or two
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love
Upon this winter night with you
Just as the idea took full form inside of Matthew's mind and he stood to prepare for his own demise, the phone rang. The very phone that Matthew had been holding in his hand to read the last text message from his beloved. However, he didn't recognize the number, so he simply ignored the call and started to walk away.
But the phone rang again. The same number. Obviously, somebody he didn't know was trying to reach him. Agitated from lack of sleep and because he was being delayed in rejoining Gilbert, Matthew ignored the call again, this time tossing the phone towards the window, where it smacked hard and then fell to the ground.
Satisfied that the problem was gone, Matthew turned to take a step towards his room and faltered. The small distraction that the calls had provided had changed his mind completely. As much as he wanted to be with Gilbert again, Matthew couldn't bring himself to cause that much pain to the other people in his life that he loved. Tears began to trickle down his face again as he realized what he had to do.
"I'm sorry, Gilbert," he whispered. "I … have to give up on you…"
It was at that moment that the phone rang again. Matthew was startled by the fact that it could still function and walked over to it resignedly, picking the phone up and finally accepting the call. He placed the phone to his ear and gave a short, "Hello?" His voice sounded hoarse, exactly like he'd been crying all night. Which, he thought, seemed to fit perfectly.
"Birdie?"
For a moment, Matthew's breath caught in his throat. He couldn't breathe or see or hear or feel. Because there was no way that the voice on the other end of the phone could belong to the man he had been waiting so long to hear from. It just wasn't possible. Was it?
"G-Gilbert?" He could hear his voice cracking, but he didn't care. He had to be sure, before his heart could break again.
The voice on the other end of the line sounded relieved and thankful and teary at the same time. "Thank God. I realize I promised to be home soon, but… it's gonna be a little longer. I'm on my way though." There was a pause, and Matthew could hear the sound of a quiet sob. "Wait for me?"
He was sobbing again himself, but this time tears of joy. For once, someone had noticed him - God had answered his prayers and brought Gilbert back to him, if a day late.
"Always…"
And to be once again with you