Meredith walked into the kitchen. For once in about two months she wasn't late. Late for work, late for school, late for daycare. She'd actually woken up when the alarm going off and not hungry baby wails, which was a relief – she loved her children, but being a single mom was harder than she could have ever imagined. That was part of the reason she'd so readily welcomed Maggie and Amelia into her house. Lexie was the sister she'd never wanted to know, yet she still missed her so much she tried not to think of it. Maggie was her sister, her real one, the only one she had left – apart from the one she hadn't seen in years – but they were so different it was hard to fathom some times that they shared half of their genes. Amelia was not her sister. Not really, not biologically and on that basis, Cristina was more of a sister to her than Amelia. Amelia was Derek's sister and Derek had many sisters, but Amelia was the one she'd forgot about when he died. Meredith had missed her last moments with Lexie and it was something that ate her from the inside out every time she thought of it, and she'd unintentionally done the same to Amelia. Now she felt like she had a debt with her, she owed her something she'd never be able to pay back. If Derek could have seen it all happen he would have been disappointed, Meredith was sure, disappointed in her and in all the other people who had abandoned Amelia.
After cohabiting for a few months – they had lived in the same house for about a year, but their lives had been separate for all intents and purposes – she was ready to throw all her stuff on the street. She couldn't, she'd never really be able to, but some days the temptation was so hard to resist. Amelia was immature and annoying and all over the place and she was used to living with people and noise everywhere and Meredith was so not. Amelia settled into this weird version of full house better than her or Maggie, and Meredith found that endlessly annoying as well. Yet, Amelia reminded her of Derek, besides the obvious, there were little things she did or said, or the way she would say them that was just him. She couldn't get rid of one of the last pieces of him she had around. She was nice in little doses, over far away periods of time, but all at once, all the time was definitely trying. Meredith wondered some times how Owen could do it. How he'd gone from Cristina to Amelia was beyond Meredith. They weren't all that different, but Cristina had been her person and Amelia was like… a parasite. She was sucking all the energy out of her, but she couldn't shove her off.
Upon finding Amelia sitting quietly at the kitchen table, Meredith immediately sensed something was wrong. Trying her best not to engage, Meredith walked around the table, getting to the cabinet to get her mug and walked to the coffee maker. Meredith went for the start button when the smell of coffee hit her nostrils, the coffee was already done. Frowning, a little confused, she poured some in her mug, turning to Amelia. She hadn't moved an inch since her arrival, she was staring at her own mug motionlessly, eyes still and unfocused. Meredith stepped towards her, figuring Amelia must be in some other dimension at the moment, because she kept breathing without showing any other sign of life. As Meredith took another step forward nothing happened. It felt a little like a horror movie and the thought that Amelia was doing this on purpose lasted for way too long in her head. But Meredith knew, she knew the look in Amelia's eyes and she wasn't messing around. Something was going on. Gathering up all her courage and patience Meredith sat down at the table on the other side of the corner from Amelia.
"Hey."
Amelia bit her cheek as her eyes finally made it up from her mug. "Hey."
Meredith looked at her for maybe half a minute waiting for her to say or do something, anything so that she'd know what was going on, if she needed to worry or if it was just teen drama like the last couple of weeks. Meredith found it adorable that Amelia still had no idea what it was like to be in a relationship, it was endearing and it made her feel like the big sister she never got to be. But it was boring. It was boring because she was a widow and making out on the front porch was something she had no time for. When Amelia gave no sign of talking, Meredith noticed her tense muscles and the way her lips twitched from time to time.
"Everything okay?" she asked as casually as possible, still half convinced this was all in her head and Amelia was just half asleep staring at her breakfast.
Amelia just mumbled something, lightly nodding her head, averting her eyes. This was definitely not the Amelia that a couple of days earlier was sitting naked in the backseat of her car, getting dressed on the way to work. She looked distant – the lights were on, but no one was home. It was a strange look on her. She had seen her like this right before Derek died and right after she came back from San Diego. Quite frankly, Meredith had no idea what to do right now.
"Okay." She nodded, hoping Amelia would take the hint to spit it out.
Stretching her lips as much as she could Amelia smiled and resumed to staring at the white mug in front of her. Meredith glanced at her from over her mug as she finished her coffee, realizing quickly she might need another one very soon. Figures the only morning Maggie takes the kids early and she has the house al to herself, Amelia has a meltdown. To anyone this didn't look like a meltdown, but if she'd learnt anything about Derek's sister she knows this is it.
Meredith doesn't say anything and just stands, filling up her mug again, taking advantage of the distance to take a big breath before facing whatever teenager problem was anguishing Amelia. As she sat back down she noticed a little from on her face.
"Amelia?" Amelia raised her eyebrows and gave her a deer in the headlights look, wide confused eyes and mouth hanging slightly open. "Are you sure? That you're okay?" instead of getting an answer her eyes just widened a tiny bit further, making Meredith groan internally. "You don't look okay."
She looked down immediately, finding sudden interest in the dark liquid in her mug. "Oh. No, I'm fine. Totally fine."
Seeing through Amelia's crappy attempt at dismissing her questions Meredith decided to press further. "You've been staring at that for ten minutes at least." She nodded down to Amelia's mug. "You can tell me if something's wrong."
Meredith stared at her sister-in-law – at this point she wasn't even that anymore. Legally, they weren't sisters, they were barely family, the only connection they had left were the kids. For some strange reason, though, Meredith felt different about it. Being around Amelia felt oddly like being around Lexie and Meredith had missed that. It felt like family. The hate-love relationship that lingers there is unlike any other in life and she'd missed that dearly.
Amelia bit her cheek nervously, holding onto the mug handle until her knuckles were white. "It's stupid." She muttered. "I did something incredibly stupid."
"Okay. How stupid are we talking?"
Amelia shrugged her shoulders, passing her fingertip all around the rim of the mug, over and over again. "Probably the stupidest kind of stupid you can think of."
Meredith tilted her head a little. From looking at Amelia, her wide, scared eyes and seemingly sarcastic language she really couldn't tell how bad this was. She'd said something similar when she'd accidentally left a red sock in the washing machine, resulting in Bailey's underwear and white clothes to turn pink. The look in her eyes was different, though, back then she'd just been acting normal, a little coy, bracing herself for Meredith's wrath, but now she looked genuinely anxious.
"You can tell me – if you want. You can tell me." Said Meredith with barely enough conviction to get Amelia to look up at her. "I've done plenty stupid in my life, so, you know, I might be able to help."
Amelia looked at her as if considering the offer. Meredith knew about her and Owen, she knew just enough that whenever Amelia had a problem she'd go to him, unless of course he was the problem. She had no undying desire to hear about Amelia and Owen, but this morning had started well for Meredith and she still had all the patience she needed to deal with the world intact. "Come on. I know some times I treat you like one of the kids, but I know you're not actually fifteen. If there's something that's bothering you I can help."
"See, that's the thing." Said Amelia her voice trembling the slightest bit. "I am fifteen."
There was a pause. Meredith was missing Amelia's point and Amelia was reluctant to open up despite Meredith's insistence. They stared at each other, Amelia half hoping she would just walk away and Meredith now utterly confused. When Meredith opened her mouth to say something, though, Amelia shut her off immediately.
"It's fine, Meredith. You don't have to listen to this. Let's just… forget about it." she dismissed her looking down.
"Okay." Meredith waited a few seconds before standing. Amelia was tense and confused and it was so obvious she wanted to just drag whatever it was and get it over with. Quietly as she'd come she walked to the sink, washing her mug quickly, walking back to the direction of the stairs. She gave Amelia a last passing look. She'd gone back to her hardcore staring of her still full mug. This was one of these days she wished she could talk to Derek, just like when Bailey would ask where daddy was or when she thought of Ellie's first word. She actually found herself wishing he would have cheated on her an moved to DC, that way she could still talk to him, hear his voice. After all this time, it hurt that she still needed him so badly. Right then, she realized, Amelia probably needed him too today.
She sat back down on her chair. Meredith didn't say a word, she just sat and waited.
"You don't have to. I mean, you're not really my sister. You don't need to feel obligated to do this with me." Said Amelia not looking up.
Meredith shook her head, recognizing the Shepherd stubborn streak. "You are. We're family. Family looks out for each other, even when we do stupid things."
Amelia looked down resuming the pattern her finger had been tracing along the margins of her mug. She seemed conflicted and in more ways than one. It wasn't just about talking to her, but it must be about whatever it was Amelia had going on. Meredith still wasn't sure if all of this dance was for something that was actually stupid like the laundry incident or if she needed to contain the damage before it became catastrophic. After all – and she hadn't forgotten about it – Amelia was a recovering addict and alcoholic and Meredith often worried about it.
"I had sex." Amelia said, it was barely audible and Meredith leaned in the slightest bit to hear better. "With Owen."
Meredith nodded slowly, processing the information – or rather, she tried to decipher it to the best of her abilities that early in the morning with just one coffee. "Okay. As long as you're not actually fifteen, I think there's nothing wrong with it."
"No, I had sex with Owen at the hospital. A lot."
It was confusing, Meredith was confused. Then she got it. "Oh. That's not stupid, I know I gave you a lot of crap last year, but I was… it wasn't my place – what I mean is, if you want to sleep with Owen, then you should. And we've all had sex all over the hospital, no one's busting your ass for that."
Amelia shook her head vehemently, it was quite clear there was a communication problem between the two of them. "No, you're not getting it. I'm not on the pill anymore! Not since… forever ago."
It was dread Meredith felt rise inside her, starting deep in her gut and making its way up her body, leaving an uncomfortable tingly feeling in its wake. "You have a ton of condoms in the bathroom. It's fine-"
"I don't have them at the hospital." Amelia said with a final tone, hoping Meredith would get it without having to say the words. She couldn't say the words, because if she heard them she might actually believe that happened.
The silence that came after was long, awkward and uncomfortable. It was abundantly clear now what the problem was and Amelia felt even worse about it. Amongst all the feelings there was shame and disappointment, in herself mostly. Right the second her life seemed on track again, she felt like she had control and she felt relatively happy, something had to come and ruin it. Meredith just stared, probably sorting through the million questions she wanted to ask her. Wondering how someone gets to that age and does something so idiotic. How a doctor gets to this point at all.
"You're pregnant?"
Amelia looked up at her, not knowing if she was about to start packing all her stuff and go apartment hunting or if there was a hug or pep talk or mom tips coming. thinking about this had been draining all her focus and she couldn't figure it out. "No. I don't know, I won't know for a while." It would be the longest two weeks of her life and her leg was twitching under the table at the mere thought of having to talk to Owen about this. "I hope not."
Meredith just nodded, frankly there wasn't much more she could do.
Amelia sat back in her chair. Hands made their way to her face, her whole body slightly curling in itself. "God, I'm so stupid."
Meredith leaned forward a little bit, putting her hand on Amelia's knee. She'd been right from the start, this wasn't that kind of stupid, not the accidental laundry kind of stupid. Yet, she had to hand it to her this was indeed the stupidest kind of stupid. "Amelia. Why did you do it if…"
"I didn't remember." She sniffled, wiping her nose on the back of her hand. "I just… it happened so fast and I wasn't thinking about it and I forgot-" Amelia stopped suddenly, taking a long, deep breath calming herself down, letting her breathing and heartrate slow down a little. "It was after Derek died. You left. Owen left. I let go. I was in a bad place and I just… let go. Now I'm better, but I was so used not to have to think about it and it just slipped. I mean, who does that?"
Meredith wrinkled her nose. "Fifteen year olds?"
The death glare Amelia shot her was totally worth the easy joke. A joke, Meredith knew, was no fun at all. Amelia lived with her and that meant this was in part her problem too. "I told you. It's stupid."
"Does Owen know?"
Amelia shook her head. "I figured it out last night. I went to the bathroom and it just clicked. I feel like such an idiot. I ruined everything, like I always do."
Meredith felt for her. It never happened to her, but when she got pregnant, before the shooting, she's felt this way too. The feeling got even worse after the miscarriage. Amelia was in an incredibly difficult position here and Meredith didn't know how to help, how to be helpful at all. "You didn't ruin anything. You don't even know that you're pregnant yet. I mean what re the chances of that anyway?"
"No idea. Good enough, though, I assume." Amelia sighed, crossing her arms over her chest, sitting back in the hard and slightly crooked chair.
"Would it really be so bad?" Meredith asked, ignoring Amelia's look as soon as the words left her mouth. "You're old enough to do it, you have a stable job, money, and you have Owen. It's not an apocalypse, trust me. It's doable."
Amelia looked at Meredith with wide exasperated eyes. "How? Me and Owen are not together, we're… I don't even know! I don't have a house, I'm freaking head of the department and… and I can't do it! I don't want to do it."
Meredith nodded as Amelia finally let it out. This was supposed to be her morning.Her morning. Taking in those two, most days felt like having two more children to look after, especially with Amelia. The thought of Amelia having a baby made her insides turn, she had no time or energy to deal with that. "You should tell Owen."
"Owen's going to think I'm an idiot. Owen's going to run for the hills." Amelia slurred, eyes focusing on the patterns on the table. Scratch marks, mixing with the wood's veins and knots. "I don't think I'm ready."
With a knowing smile, Meredith shook her head. "No one is ever really ready for that." While it seemed to have no effect at all on Amelia, she knew in time she might come to accept whatever life was going to bring her. "For what it's worth I'm here and you're not fifteen, which means I'm not kicking you out for getting pregnant – if that's the case."
Amelia had no intention of explaining to Meredith why having a baby, being pregnant would be such an issue with her, she wasn't even sure herself why she felt like this. Relishing in the momentary sense of security Meredith's words brought, she nodded, hoping against hope it wouldn't come to that. "Thank you."