Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or anything related to it. I am borrowing Remus and Sirius for a *short* moment.
Autumn Snow: All right, my second HP fic. I reread the part where Sirius died and it inspired me, somehow. This is a fic about Remus' feelings, his regrets, and his memories of Sirius. The song 'Stay' belongs to Carol Banawa, a Filipina singer. Go and try to download this song if you have the time, it's really touching. And, well, review.
I think this isn't really good, but, I dunno. I wanted to post it. Please review.
Remus' Point of view, written in first-person.
Sirius… I can't believe he's dead.
It's just… just too hard to believe.
But that's reality… and reality is always to hard to believe.
They're right, the truth hurts.
I'm here now, in a cemetery near Hogsmeade, attending Sirius' funeral. It's been a week after his death, and I still can't face the truth.
I can't accept it; it's too hard.
Sometimes it may be better to be ignorant and forget the facts. Forget who's dying, ignore everything sad. It's better, sometimes, to create a happy world of your own, and live inside your own world, ignoring everything else.
But I can't do that. I have to be strong. I must be strong… especially for Harry.
The funeral rites starts, and everyone is completely silent. The atmosphere is lonely, and the cold air breezed peacefully.
Dumbledore acknowledges me and motions me to go up the platform to say something. I step up, looking at everyone who came to say good bye to Sirius one last time.
"Sirius Black," I start, forcing myself not to cry, "was a good man. And his sudden journey to the next life was a tremendous loss for all of us. He was a good friend, a good student, a great god father," I turn to Harry, "and he never let us down. He tried in his every way to help, to support us.
"I know Sirius is somewhere, watching us here as we gather and mourn for him. I know he doesn't want us to be sad during a time like this, so please, smile for him.
"His only wish is that for us to be happy, and to be successful in defeating the Dark Lord. Sirius Black has now left this cruel world, and is now in another world where there is no more pain for him to feel. I ask all of you now, please, smile for Sirius Black. And never ever forget a friend like him."
I step down and sit at my place, willing myself to smile. Yes, Sirius wouldn't like us to mourn for him, he would like us to be happy.
But, I'm sorry Sirius, I can't be happy.
As Sirius' casket—which is empty since his body was never recovered—lowers down the ground, I feel my eyes sting. I look down, to avoid anyone from seeing me cry. I've been crying almost every time now, just a mere mention of Sirius moves me to tears. I just can't… let him go…
I wipe the tears away from my eyes, I must be strong. I will stop crying. Sirius is now in a better world, where there is no pain, or sadness. He's been united with James and Lily, and I know he's happy. And I know I should be happy for him.
A violin starts to play somewhere and I look up, there appears to be a girl in the platform, preparing to sing…
"I want you to stay
Never go away from me
Stay forever…"
I look down again. That was one of Sirius' favorite songs. I feel like crying all over.
"But now,
Now that you're gone,
All I can do is pray for you…"
Some scenes flash through my mind, the day we first met on the Hogwarts Express, during the time he learned about my lycantrophy… and how he loved me despite who and what I was.
"..to be here beside me again…"
The song brings so many memories to me. Forgetting that I should be strong, I feel tears streaming down my cheeks. I bury my face into my hands.
"Why did you have to leave me?
When you said that love will conquer all…
Why did you have to leave me?"
Why did you have to leave, Sirius? Why did you have to leave me?
"…When you said that dreaming…"
I remember the first time we kissed, the first time I felt loved, and the time you accepted me for who I was…
"…Was as good as reality…"
Remember the night I admitted that I love you, Sirius? Remember that? That was the first time I felt loved… and you never turned me away…
You were always there for me. You never left me.
"And now I must move on…
Trying to forget all the memories
Of you near me…"
Then, after graduating, we planned to live together in flat. It seemed so wonderful back then, so real. And I had you… I was so happy then… but…
You were sent to Azkaban. We got separated from there.
"But I can't let go of your love
That has taught me…
To hold on…"
Yet, even if I couldn't see you, feel you or touch you, I had hope, Sirius. I hoped. I knew eventually you would be free, and you would clear up everything. And everything would be perfect again.
And then you got out… I saw you again. The hope in me soared higher. I knew… in someway… we could be like what we were before you were sent to Azkaban.
You taught me to hold on, and I did.
"I want you to stay
Never go away from me…
Stay forever…"
We lived happily and in peace for a while. I really missed you. And the time we spent in Grimmauld Place…
And you missed me too.
And it seemed like we were back to ourselves again.
I thought I'd never lose you, Sirius, thought you'd always be there… and I…
...Thought wrong.
"But now,
Now that you're gone
All I can do is pray for you
To be here
Beside me again…"
You left me. Again. Yet this time, I couldn't hope, for there was no hope.
You couldn't come back. You wouldn't come back.
And I didn't do anything to save you. I couldn't do anything.
I was so helpless. And I hate myself for it.
"Why did you have to leave me?
When you said that love will conquer all?
Why did you have to leave me?
When you said that dreaming
Was as good as reality…"
Never in my life did I think that it would happen to you.
Never had I imagined that you would be completely taken away from me.
"And now I must move on
Trying to forget all the memories
Of you near me
But I can't let go of your love that has taught me
To hold on…"
I'm sorry, Sirius.
I'm sorry for the things I've done to hurt you, and things I didn't do to please you.
I'm sorry for everything.
I'm sorry…
I'm sorry for everything…
For the things I did, and for the things I didn't do.
For the times I've hurt you,
For the times I almost lost hope…
For the times I doubted you...
For the times I didn't spend with you...
And for the times I almost took you for granted...
I'm sorry for all of them.
"I want you to stay…
Never go away from me…
Stay forever…"
After the funeral, I stumble back to 12 Grimmauld Place, opening the door ever-so-quietly so as not to disturb Sirius' mother.
I sit on the sofa he always used to sit on, willing myself to sleep to forget the pain and grief I was experiencing.
The others must be at the burrow, for there appears to be no sign of life at all in the house. I lie my head gently, closing my eyes, letting myself to cry, to release all the pain.
I can't take it anymore.
I want you to stay, Sirius…
Never go away from me…
Stay forever…
Letting the last tear drop fall, I find myself consumed by tiredness, falling deeper and deeper into sleep…
And a voice, somewhere within the house spoke quietly:
I want to stay…
But I have to my way…