I do not own Syfy's Alice.

Alice and Her Electronic Hatter

Alice's world is full of interesting electronic gadgets. Wonderland had its own electronic devices, of course. However, Alice's world offers a few new ones that arouse Hatter's curiosity and mischievous side.

Alice of Legend, still in her robe, walked past her disheveled Hatter. Her husband was sitting bleary-eyed at the kitchen counter, his chin in his hand, the first morning cup of tea steaming next to his elbow.

Their laptop was open in front of him, pop music emitting from it. The Internet, particularly YouTube, fascinated him to no end. Alice glanced casually at the screen and stopped abruptly in her groggy tracks.

"Ahem, Hatter, um, why is that girl naked on a wrecking ball?" she questioned, choosing to remain calm.

Hatter shrugged, distracted. "Dunno, beats me."

Alice put her hands on her hips. "Yeah, I'm about to," she threatened.

Hatter innocently shrugged his shoulders. "Hey, it said 'Wrecking Ball'. I thought it was a construction video!"

Alice suspiciously quirked an eyebrow at him. Hatter smiled his charming dimple at his irritated wife.

"Besides, Alice, she doesn't have the body I want. This is the body I want!"

Suddenly, Hatter grabbed Alice and pulled her into his lap. She giggled despite herself as he nuzzled her slender neck. Alice reached over and closed the screen on the laptop.

After a few heated minutes, their apartment doorbell rang. Hatter's muffled voice called out from somewhere behind her luscious earlobe, "Mmm, tell 'em we don't want any!"

Alice laughed breathlessly and squirmed out of his intoxicating grasp. Re-adjusting her rumpled robe, Alice went to answer the door.

It was a pizza delivery guy.

"Um, Hatter? Did you order pizza for breakfast?" his wife questioned.

"Yeah!"

Alice stared at the delivery man, baffled. "Who delivers pizza at 9:30 in the morning?"

The pizza guy shrugged. "Apparently, I do."

Hatter was completely infatuated. With their red microwave oven. He couldn't keep his hands off of it. And Just Alice was being slowly driven insane. Earlier that week, she had to explain that yummy, melty marshmallows came from cooking them over an open campfire or in an oven, not scorching them to death in the microwave.

Today, after mentioning a shower and sweetly refusing Hatter's generous offer to help her wash up, the not-so-fresh from karate class Alice left him to his own devices in the kitchen. Now, as she dried her body with a blue towel, she heard Hatter let out a shout of surprise and excitement.

Curious, Alice opened the bathroom door, clad only in the damp towel. The smell hit her in the face and she ineffectually covered her mouth with her hand, gagging. She followed the smell and took in the kitchen scene. Hatter, her intelligent, sexy, Wonderland-savvy Hatter, was standing in front of the microwave, peering cautiously at the contents within.

"Hatter? What's going on?"

He spoke sheepishly over his shoulder while simultaneously reaching for the paper towels.

"Me eggs exploded."

"You put an egg in the microwave?"

"Several, actually."

Alice stood in her blue towel and damp hair looking at Hatter who was squeamishly reaching his paper toweled hand into the kitchen appliance.

"Why?" she inquired slowly.

"I was hungry. I wanted eggs."

"Well," she wiped water out of her eyes. "Did you put them in a bowl with water?"

"Is that what you're supposed to . . ." Hatter turned and noticed his wife still standing only in a towel. ". . . do?"

Alice nodded, smirking affectionately at his wide-eyed expression. This was definitely not the first time he'd seen her like this, but it always elicited the same response.

Hatter attempted to clear his throat. "Do you . . . think you . . . need some help . . . drying off?" He threw it his adorable dimple for good measure.

Alice allowed her damp towel to slip strategically down just enough to make him actually tilt forward a little.

"Of course," she replied, sweetly, innocently. "When you've cleaned the dead eggs out of the microwave."

Hatter's dimpled grin expanded and he saluted her cheekily.

"Yes, ma'am!"

Hatter filled up their TiVo quicker than Alice would have thought possible. There wasn't much room left for any of her shows. She didn't have many, not being a big TV person herself, but there were a few.

"Hatter, why are you recording 'Primeval' so much on BBC America?"

He shrugged. "There was a marathon on. I like that science-y Conner guy. He's funny. Can't figure out why the little blond woman's so harsh with him all the time, though. I wouldn't take that kind of abuse, not even from you."

Alice snuggled up next to him. "I must admit, I did respect you for standing up for yourself even when I was mad at you."

He wrapped his arms around her comfortably, kissing her. "Didn't quite seem like it at the time."

Alice nuzzled closer into him. "Well, I was too angry and focused on Jack at the time to realize it right away, but yeah. Guys I dated before who let me walk all over them just didn't have my resp . . ."

"Guys, yeah? Lots of guys? Like, chocolate and cream cake guys or . . ."

Alice could play the interruption game too. "What's 'Faceoff'?"

"Huh? Oh, it's brilliant. Just really brilliant. These artists use makeup and latex and stuff to make regular people look like creepy monsters and creatures."

"Interesting."

"Now, about these walked-all-over guys . . ."

Alice interrupted again. "And 'InkMaster'? What's that?"

Hatter glanced at her, clearly beginning to feel irritated.

"Oh yeah, they stab people with needles that have ink in them and make pictures and sometimes they're just awful and . . ."

Hatter trailed off, looking at her closely. She gazed back at him, stroking his face with her delicate fingers. He sighed, all his muscles relaxing from her touch.

Something caught the corner of her eye and she turned toward the flickering screen. "What in the world . . ."

Hatter pulled his attention away from her with some difficulty.

"Oh, that? It's called 'Total Blackout'. Trust me, we're lucky the Truth Room doctors didn't get ahold of this. See . . ."

Alice grabbed the remote, clicked the off button, and tossed it onto the floor. Climbing into his lap and wrapping her arms around his neck, she spoke, brushing her lips against his lightly as she did so.

"Alright, TiVo boy, that's enough of that. Now focus. No one has ever meant what you mean to me, understand? You are all I will ever want, okay? The End."

Hatter nodded, once again hypnotized by her closeness and movements.

"Now come here."

Hatter happily complied. His wife was so much more interesting than any TV show could ever be.

Just Alice and the Not Mad Hatter were heading out of the city for a weekend road trip. Alice drove while Hatter played with the car's GPS. The TomTom device fascinated him. As he puttered and fiddled around with it, Alice began to suspect that TomTom stood for Totally Outlandish Machine times two.

After a few miles, the standard generic female TomTom voice was replaced by an irritatingly familiar high-brow male British voice.

"Mind the old lady," TomTom warned mildly.

Alice looked around, bewildered.

And now for something completely different, a voice in her head spoke.

"Pity about the dog," TomTom casually remarked.

Alice jerked her head around, looking for a supposedly endangered canine and seeing none.

The mystery voice continued in her head. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

"Ah, nice piece of driving," TomTom complimented her generously.

Alice started to smile, then stopped, feeling foolish.

'Tis but a flesh wound! the defiant voice in her head argued.

"Turn around when possible so that you'll be facing in the opposite direction from the direction in which you are directing your vehicle now," TomTom informed her.

We are the knights that say 'Ni'! the voice in her head yelled.

Alice glanced away from the winding road that lay out before them to her hatted husband next to her. He was pressing his right index finger repeatedly on the device's touch responsive screen and chuckling quietly.

"Hatter, what are we listening to?" she finally asked, exasperated.

"Some chap called John Cleese. It's good fun, yeah?"

Alice huffed. "Give me that! We're never going to get anywhere listening to that! You're driving me crazy!"

Keeping her eyes locked on the road, Alice reached her right hand out blindly for the electronic device. Hatter moved the GPS out of her reach and she missed her target, hitting another one accidently.

"Oi, that's not the GPS, Alice!"

"Sorry," she apologized dismissively, reaching for the GPS again.

"It is touch-responsive, though," her husband stated suggestively.

"Hatter!"

Yes, I know the Primeval bit was cheap, but I loved that show! Conner was just so adorable and I never did like how Abby treated him for most of the show. Well, that's a soapbox for another time.

I do not own the John Cleese quotes. I just try to keep up with them. And yes, you can download them onto your TomTom. That's actually what started this story in the first place. ;)

Thanks to some things you just can't fix, FanWriter83, and Geminii524 for your reviews! You're sweeties!

Thanks to Miss. Heart of Swords01, Marvel Mistress94, and ImagineWho for adding your support to this story.