The Things We Hide
Chapter 1
i.
Rick went in to check on Daryl. He paused outside the door listening. Didn't hear anything – and a chill went through him. Because, the mental state the younger Dixon was in- could he have done it? The thought filled him with dread.
He weighed up the two options – burst in and surprise him or the silent approach. Knowing what his nerves were like and not wanting to jangle them any further, he decided upon the latter.
Turned the door handle silently.
Didn't have time to draw breath when he saw an indistinct man-shaped mass pounce on him and he felt the knife at his throat.
Damn! He'd forgotten how dangerous Daryl could be – quick as a cheetah making him wonder how they'd managed to capture him in the first place. Yet he felt no fear.
He stayed still, calm.
'Daryl?' He called out softly. 'It's me, Rick .'
Silence but the knife still stayed at his throat.
'I'm not gonna hurt you.'
Suddenly the knife was gone from his throat, shortly after came the bounce of worn bed-springs, the house they were hiding in was quite old.
Then he heard it – a deep, throaty sob coming from the other man that tore into Rick's chest. Made him want to put his arms around him and rock him, comfort him. Like he would have done Carl.
But he didn't dare.
Then, nothing.
'Daryl?' No answer but then he didn't expect one. Rick had sent out a team to try and track down Merle – although he had his reservations about letting him back into the fold but if he could help Daryl, they'd all have to swallow down their grudges. Maggie and Glenn included. They cared about Daryl, she'd cried when she found him, along with Andrea.
He remembered his cop-training from his old life. What to do, not to do. What to say, not to say in these situations.
With people who had been through what the younger Dixon had endured. But yet he typically remained stoically silent since they'd brought him back about what he'd suffered was clear in the way he trembled and the constant pain and terror in his eyes. Only in his sleep, would he reveal his secrets sometimes. Like he'd never left Woodbury and he didn't know if he could trust the people he was with not to hurt him. Even though they'd lived together for months before.
'I'm coming over. Just want to sit with you. That OK?'
No answer but Rick decided to take his silence as consent.
It was still dark and dawn wasn't very far away. Even so, his eyes had had time to adjust to the darkness and he could see the shape of Daryl's body. His eyes automatically trying to make out the scars he knew were on his back even though he knew that it was too dark to see.
He went over as quietly as he could, and hesitated before he sat down on the bed where the Hunter was curled up in a ball, panting shallowly. Rick knew by his breathing that he was fighting panic.
'It's OK. It's only me.' He stretched out his hand slowly to touch his friend's shoulder where he was facing the wall with his back to him.
'D..don't. Please don't. Daryl pleaded and Rick immediately withdrew.
Even though Daryl was facing the other way, he knew what Rick was up to. But the ex-cop felt a glimmer of hope when he heard the words.
They were the first words that Daryl had spoken since they'd rescued him.
'I'm going to stay with you. That OK?'
Rick saw the hunter nod in the darkness and give a long shuddering sigh.
He stayed to the morning watching over him as his body relaxed and his breathing grew slow and regular. and Daryl slept peacefully through. Rick dozed off himself before dawn. It seemed that having someone he trusted there with him helped him to get through the night.
ii.
Daryl barely registered the return of his brother unexpectedly as they sat around the campfire. Michonne had taken out a team to track him down but instead, he'd found them. Rick saw a brief gleam of recognition in Merle's brother's eyes but he didn't get up to greet him. In fact, he cringed when Merle, unaware of the situation or what had been done to his baby brother, slapped him heartily on the back. 'Well, how's it goin', baby brother? Miss me?'
But Daryl made a hurt small animal sound and cowered away from his hand.
Merle looked at him in mingled hurt and disgust. His expression morphing rapidly into worry when he realised that there was something seriously wrong with his baby brother.
'Merle...' Michonne started.
'...we need to talk to you in private.' Rick finished. 'Maggie, look after him.'
Merle looked at his brother in concern as Daryl turned away and acted like he didn't even see him there.
A few moments later, a fight nearly broke out.' What? Ya tellin' me ya did what to him? Thought he was with me?'
'We didn't know...' Rick tried to explain. 'We didn't know he was still there...We thought he'd gone with you.'
…...
Merle whirled around. Face red, fists clenched. 'They done what to him? Ya gonna pay for this, Rick.' He sneered the last word, his voice dripping contempt. 'If he never gets over it...'
'Now, now. I know ya upset – we jus' gotta all pull together and help him get through this...'
'Back off.' Michonne had slid out her katana from its sheath and put it out as a barrier between the two men.
'This ain't over.' Merle snarled. 'I'm gonna...'
'STOP!'
They turned round back to the fire – the source of the sound. It was Daryl. He was standing up now and trembling, the blanket Maggie had wrapped around him half-falling off his shrunken frame.
But it was he who had spoken and there was a sharp awareness in his eyes that hadn't been there since they got him back.
Rick felt a renewed surge of hope as he and Merle stood off and Michonne dropped her sword.
'He's right.' She said. 'Your brother's the most important thing, Merle.' She said. 'Let's concentrate on him.'
They went back to the campfire. Merle tried to tentatively touch Daryl but he leaned away from him.
'He don't let anyone touch him.' Rick said in explanation to the older Dixon's hurt expression.
He whispered to Merle: 'What they did...'
But Daryl heard as he whipped his head round suddenly in fury. 'Stop tallkin' 'bout me like I ain't there!' He snapped.
'Sorry.' Rick mumbled but nevertheless, was glad to see the fire back in his eyes again.
But over the next nights by the campfire, Merle inched closer and closer to his brother. Started off by gently stroking his hair, tucking the loose, greasy strands behind his ears. Brushing the rest back. Daryl shrugged his hand off the first couple of nights but now to Rick's surprise, he was allowing it. Even closed his eyes in relaxation.
Michonne raised her eyebrows at him and Merle smirked at her knowingly when Daryl eventually rested his head on his brother's shoulder. But his smirk soon died when he pushed things to far when he tried to put an arm around him because Daryl cried out 'No!' and shoved him away. Hard. Got up then and stomped back to their tent, leaving Merle nonplussed and an awkwardness in the air in his wake.
Merle knew then he had to tread carefully with the boy. If what Rick and the others said was true... He'd have to treat Daryl with care. Like after he had with Tammy after she'd been kidnapped by the Razors. Give her her power back. But he'd made sure that they'd felt his wrath.
Same as he was going to do to those animals who had despoiled his baby brother.
But first, he had to bring Daryl back.
He knew that the most important thing was to give back Daryl the sense of power and control over his body that they'd viciously ripped away from him. For Merle not to do anything against his will – not even hold him like Merle was aching to do since he found out what had been done to him.
Over the next through nights, Merle had progressed to holding his brother when Daryl eventually let the arms he trusted most in the world around him. The older Dixon instinctively knew that he badly needed physical comfort, touching that was 'safe'. Gradually the deer-in-the-headlights faded from Daryl's eyes and he stopped trembling even when it wasn't cold. He'd even started to eat again when none of them could coax him to take a little food when his brother set a plate in front of him.
'Eat.' He ordered him. Daryl began to shake his head, turned his head away from the bowl of squirrel stew. Merle firmly but gently guided his face back to it.
'N...No.' Daryl turned his face away.
Merle stroked his hair. 'Come on. Ya gotta eat Ya look jus' like a skinny scarecrow..'
Daryl finally nodded, bent his head down and ate a few bites before he put it down again. Still not enough but at least it was better than nothing. His stomach had shrunk into a small, tight ball.
'Good .' Merle praised him. 'Good. Ya can eat a little more tomorrow.' Before he put his arm around his little brother and drew him to him. Daryl let him and started to close his eyes.
Even if Rick didn't like the older Dixon, thought him hard and callous, he had to admit that he was able to bring Daryl back, knew how to handle him.
Rick would have expected Merle to just bully him better but he didn't do that.
It wasn't like he was spying on them but he stopped when he heard Merle's voice coming from inside their tent. Low and earnest.
'Tell me what he said to ya, little brother.'
Daryl whimpered.
'He...He said he had ya, Merle and that he was gonna kill everybody in the prison and that he was gonna kill ya...if...I ... or I ...didn't and ...I believed 'im, Merle... I mean I knew it wasn't true but ...I...' He was stammering now.
'It's OK, Daryl. I'm here now. Ain't ever gonna leave my baby brother ever again. Whatever he wants to do.'
'He used to tell all the things they were doin' to ya, really sick things and how ya cried and begged for mercy but I didn't ever believe 'im, Merle. I never did! Never!'
'Sh...sh...I know ya never did. It's OK.'
'Tell Merle now what he did to little baby Darlena.' Merle coaxed, addressing his baby brother by that nickname he used to tease him normally. 'Merle ain't important.'
'They.' His brother whispered. 'They...M...Merle...They...they...Oh, God, Merle...it hurt..'
Rick heard Merle's sharp intake of breath. He shook his own head too – Daryl hadn't spoken much about what they'd done to him much outside his sleep. Heard a rustling sound as he presumably moved closer to his distressed brother.
'More than one?' He probed gently.
'Yeah.' Daryl started gabbling and Rick couldn't understand his words. Merle felt sickened that now they knew for sure that it hadn't just been the Governor.
'Come here, sweet boy.' Merle said to him softly. 'Come to Ole Merle.' The ex-cop imagined him urging Daryl into his arms and soothing him like they'd seen him do. 'Did they hurt ya? Did they hurt baby Darlena?' He crooned to him in disbelief. And that was when Daryl started to cry. Broken down by the tenderness in his brother's words as much as his gentle tone.
Finally broken down by love and gentleness. The last surge to break the dam and release the flood.
'The sick fucks.' Merle snarled in rage through his brother's sobs. 'I'm gonna make them beg for death time I'm through with them.' He promised savagely.
On the eighth night since his brother came back and after a half a bottle of vodka that Merle had been feeding him, Daryl began to tell them what had happened to him at the hands of the Governor in more detail.
Haltingly, with pauses where it seemed he couldn't get the words out or find the right words to express himself while sheltering in the safety of his big brother's arms tight around him.
When he choked up and tears came into his eyes, Merle would stroke his hair or rock him. And whisper encouragement in his ears.
Everyone stared at this in shock – nobody had expected the rude, crude older Dixon to be like this with his baby brother.
Nobody had expected Merle to love.
Still, Rick could tell that Herschel wasn't happy with his daughters hearing this. Especially Maggie, with her own run-in with the Woodbury leader still raw. And he had to admit, he didn't want Carl to be there either.
But if Daryl was brave enough to tell, they would have to be brave enough to listen.