"Ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking"
("No it isn't!")
"Ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, don't listen to the short man with the red face and the limp, he doesn't even know how to land a plane"
("It's a recognised teaching method!")
"We are now approaching Fitton Airport at a height of 10000 feet above sea level, the weather in Fitton is exactly the same as what the weather in Fitton is almost always like which is exactly the same as what the weather in Britain is almost always like."
("Douglas.")
"Sorry, Martin, are you perhaps worried that the half dozen crates of Walker's crisps that we've got in the cargo hold will be offended by my obvious lack of professionalism." "Douglas, that is not the point and you know it. If you do that sort of thing with actual passengers it reflects badly on everyone!"
"... Are you perhaps thinking of the Qikiqtarjuaq incident?"
"Of course I'm thinking of 'The Qikiqtarjuaq Incident', 'The Qikiqtarjuaq Incident' was the worst moment of my entire career as a pilot. I considered moving to Russia!"
"The worst moment?"
"Yes."
"Even worse than-"
"Yes, OK you don't have to recount all of my mistakes in life"
"Oh look. We've landed."
As soon as they were off the plane they were met by Arthur and Carolyn. Arthur grinned and bounded up to them like a golden retriever puppy.
"Do you know what day it is chaps, do you, do you,do you?"
"Let me guess, er, GERTI's birthday?"
"No"
"Summer christmas?"
"No"
"Oh I give up then, what day is it?"
"IT'S BIRLING DAY!" shouted Arthur, directly into Carolyn's ear.
"Oh good" said Douglas "It's Wales this year isn't it?"
"Yes." Carolyn replied.
"Cardiff?"
"Yes"
"And he'll be wanting Tallisker again?"
"Yes"
"And I'm going to win again?"
"No"
"That was a rhetorical question, Carolyn, I already know the answer."
"Which is NO"
"Alright then, whatever you say"
"Martin."
"Yes, Carolyn"
"I am going to give you the Tallisker I am going to trust you with the Tallisker, on no account must you ever take your eyes off the Tallisker. Do you understand?"
"Absolutely."
Martin and Carolyn went into the GERTI's cabin for the ceremonial handing over of the Tallisker.
"Do you have a plan then Douglas?" asked Arthur "You know, for stealing the Tallisker?"
"Well, you could say I have something up my sleeve…"
Douglas was looking at Martin like he'd just grown an extra head. "Really" "Yes Douglas. Really." "Look, I understand that Carolyn is bribing you so you'll take care of that whisky-" "It has nothing to do with the the small bonus-"
"It's not a bonus if you start with nothing."
"The small bonus that Carolyn is offering me if I manage to keep you away from the Tallisker and everything to do with my integrity as a human"
"Riiiiiight. Still you don't have keep it literally under your hat."
"Douglas, desperate needs call for desperate measures, and anyway you never know with-"
"Skip!" "That sounds like Arthur."
"You don't say."
"I wonder what he could possibly need me for!"
"Oh hello Skip, their may have been a minor situation!"
"What have you done?"
"Well, I was trying to make Welsh rarebit, to serve to Mr Birling-"
"But."
"But I didn't have the right ingredients so I sort of improvised and then blitzed it in the microwave." He produced from the microwave a strange sticky mess that didn't look quite as much like as food as it did a terrible, horrible accident.
"Sooo, uh, has Douglas stolen the whisky yet?"
"No, Arthur"
"Oh. When do you think he's going to, then?"
"Arthur, he is not going to steal the whisky."
"Oh."
"Ever."
"OK."
"Right."
"Only, he is going to eventually, isn't he?"
"No. Look Arthur while your unwavering faith in Douglas' whisky thieving abilities is certainly admirable, there is absolutely no way he is ever going to get it off me!"
"Oh. I s'pose he doesn't know where you've put it then?"
"No, he does."
"Ooh, how did he find out?"
"… I told him."
"Ah. Wh-why did you do that then Skip?"
"Well because- that is to say because… Ah that may have been a tiny bit stupid of me."
10 minutes later they were about to land in Cardiff and Mr Birling hadn't even expressed an interest in the Tallisker.
"I suppose even Mr Birling can be teetotal for 30 minutes" said Douglas.
"Well you know what else is different about this Birling day compared to all the others." said Martin.
"You didn't even make an effort to stop me from stealing the Tallisker?"
"Well, I didn't have to did I because surprise, surprise you didn't steal it."
"Or did I?"
"No, you didn't."
"Or did I?"
"No, you didn't."
"Or did I?"
"Did- did you?"
"Well, one of the kind gentlemen at the Tallisker distillery happened to owe me a favour. He was more than willing to supply me with the expensive bottle of whisky and you with that lovely little vintage of apple juice."
"I see, well where is the Tallisker "
Douglas produced a small bottle of whisky from one of the sleeves of his uniform. Arthur suddenly became very interested in his shoes.
"Well that was a bit of an unusual Birling Day" mused Arthur.
"In what way?"
"Well it was a bit short, wasn't it?"
"Hmm" agreed Martin, "Well, at least it will be back to normal next year."