I do not own any Twilight Characters they belong to Stephenie Meyer!

CHAPTER 1

OCTOBER

NOVEMBER

I woke up drenched in sweat, my throat sore from screaming. This was the third time tonight I had woke up from this particular nightmare. The basis of the nightmare is always the same; Ed..him leading my into the forest and telling me how useless I am and how I was or ever will be enough for him. There are at times slight changes to the nightmare, sometimes it isn't just him but his family also. Other times the nightmare includes my wondering in the forest trying to find him calling out for him. That's the worst nightmare because I know he could hear me, but he still didn't turn back to see if I was okay instead he left and took the closest thing to a real family I ever had with him.

Of course tonight I had that particular nightmare not once by three times. This was the ultimate form of torture not just to me but my dad. I know he heard me screaming every time, but now he doesn't come to see if I am okay. This has been going on since he left a little over 40 days ago. Which means that Charlie has had to listen to me scream and cry for hours every night, he used to run into my room and tell me everything was going to be okay. About a week ago he stopped coming, stopped telling me that everything was going to be okay, now we barley even speak.

I know that's my fault that we don't talk; it isn't just the nightmares its everything. I withdrew from everything and everyone after he left. I feel like after he left a part of me was taken and I don't know how to get that part back. I honestly don't even care if I ever get back to my former self, I just want to lay in bed and try to remember everything I can about him and our time together.

I turned over on my side, the sun wasn't even up yet, I sighed when I noticed my bedside clock saying it was not even four o'clock yet. I rolled over on my back knowing that I was not going to get anymore sleep and thought about today. I have to admit that I was always good in school, but since he left school has been the only thing that takes my mind off of everything. This only started a few weeks ago, before that I was failing I couldn't even get out of bed. Now at least I am able to study I'm getting close to 100% on every assignment I hand in. Cooking is another thing that takes my mind off of things, lately I have been cooking so much Charlie has started taking some things to work for all the Forks police officers.

I knew I needed to get a shower, I was drenched in sweat and I was starting to get cold, a feeling I could not handle without being sick. So I got up and grabbed a pair of sweats, a t-shirt and some underwear and headed to the bathroom. I tried not to make any unneeded noise since Charlie at least had some hope of getting more sleep. He has started to get big bags under his eyes I can inly imagine what I look like. I try not to look in any mirrors if I can help it, it just makes me even more depressed. I picked up a few towels and tuned on the water making sure it was almost as hot as it could go. Lately I have found a lot of comfort when I'm warm, as long as I'm not cold. I quickly peeled my pajamas off and jumped into the hot water, of course I slipped in the tub and had to quickly grab onto the side of the tub before I hit my head.

I stood there with the water beating down on my skin, it was a bit too hot but I didn't mind. I was clean all too soon, and knew if there was any chance of Charlie getting a warm shower I needed to turn off the water soon. So I reluctantly turned off the faucet and started to dry myself off. Although I haven't looked in any mirrors in weeks I still have noticed big changes in my body, my ribs now stick out predominantly as well as my hip bones. If I guessed I would say I have lost at least 25 pounds, I knew that wasn't healthy considering I was not big to begin with. I just couldn't bring myself to worry about it, it wouldn't matter anyway considering I cant eat more than two bites of anything anyway. Charlie once tried to force me to eat an entire steak after four bites I was violently ill, he hasn't tried to make me eat more again.

Once I was cleaned off and dressed I walked back to my room I knew I needed to change the sheets as well. After my bed was now changed and made I heard Charlie's alarm go off. I went downstairs and started working on his breakfast the least I could do was make sure he had something good to eat. I thought I would make him pancakes and boiled apples with a little sugar, his favourite. I walked into the kitchen and started to get all the ingredients out, since it was Friday I also took out a few pieces of fish out of the freezer to have for supper. I noticed that we were getting low on fish, thank goodness, but I knew Charlie was going to go fishing either this weekend or the next to stock us back up.

As I was placing the last pancake in the oven to keep warm I heard Charlie walking down the stairs, I started to take the pancakes back out and placed two plates on the counter. I placed one pancake on my plate and the rest on Charlie's then went to the fridge to get the syrup. Charlie grunted a thanks and started to dig into his breakfast. I sat down at the table and looked at my breakfast disgusted, I poured some syrup on the pancake and forced myself to swallow two bites. I could feel Charlie looking at me wondering if I will eat more, but I couldn't. I set down my fork and walked to the garbage and threw out the rest of my breakfast. I heard Charlie sigh then return to his. I glanced at the clock on the microwave and then it was my turn to sigh I needed to get ready for school before I was late.

"Well I'm going to get ready for school, I set out fish for supper." It was one of the longest statements I had said to Charlie in over a week, I glanced at him and I could tell he was just as surprised as I was. He was looking at me strangely, but I could tell he didn't want to make a big deal out of this one minor statement.

"Okay see you at dinner." He said getting back to his breakfast. As I turned to walk up the stairs he yelled, "Bella thanks for breakfast." I turned to look at him I could see there was so much more he wanted to say to me but he was scared that he would say something that could send me deeper in my void.

As I looked at him I could actually see what my emotional state had done to him, he looked like he had been hit by a truck I was amazed that he was able to still work. I was hit with an over whelming feeling of guilt this was all my fault he is a cop if he isn't able to work at his potential he could get seriously injured. I couldn't breath all of a sudden I could feel my eyes burning with unshed tears that were threatening to fall. I mumbled your welcome and ran upstairs hoping that I would be able to forget what I had just saw, but it was burned into my memory and every time I closed my eyes I saw my dad sitting there looking helplessly at me.

Once I reached my room I grabbed a pair of dark blue skinny jeans and a deep blue V-neck shirt and changed for school. I stayed in my room until Charlie left even though it meant I would now be a few minutes late for homeroom I couldn't face him just yet. When I was sure he was gone I grabbed my keys and ran to my truck not ready to face the day ahead of me.