A/N: Hey. This is my first fic, it'll probably be terrible. But this is sort of a parody of Mary Sues and author avatars, and probably what canon characters think they're there for.
And in case anyone really cares, I don't own anything except the story itself, blah blah herp derp.
xxxxx
There is an anomaly that often takes place after a long period of time away from school. Children often wish to return to their former prison, gleefully bounding out of their parents minivan's with their freshly washed brand-name sweatshirts and squeaky sneakers,
These children, in almost every possible way, were the polar opposite of Dib.
Yes, he had new clothes that, apparently, smelled like springtime itself. Yes, his boots had squeaked on the kitchen tile this morning. But no, no way in hell was he enjoying the walk to HiSkool.
Dib was contemplating many things. For instance, is this what springtime was supposed to smell like, because it never smelled like this where he lived. He thought briefly of what he ought to do for his upcoming 14 and a half birthday. He was thinking about the unfairness of life (an uncharacteristically angsty thing to think about) when he saw her, tripped flat on his face, got up and gaped at her.
A girl with an anatomically impossible figure was staring straight at him. She had the scrawniest body he had ever seen on a human being. Seriously. How did her skinny little legs hold up all that jewelry? She was armored with three rings on her right hand, four on her left, cuffs of different materials up to her elbows, long chain necklaces, and infuriatingly delicate feather earrings that drew attention to her face. And her glowing red eye.
They were terrifyingly mesmerizing, so much so that a black monster truck swerved off the road and overtop of Ms. Bitters. She melted into the shadow of the truck, rematerialized, and pressed her hideous face against the driver's window. She hissed menacingly and glided away.
The driver didn't even notice. He was too busy gaping at the weirdo with the eye. He yanked out a small notebook and mumbled, "No, no, nonononono…"
Normally he didn't have a problem with the new ones. They often only showed up for one major conflict and took off. But she was different. He thought that he might have created her and just forgotten, but there wasn't anything in the book. She was one of them. He noticed the way a streak in her hair suddenly turned dark green. He followed her eyes to where she was staring straight at a terrified Dib. He shook his head, started up the truck, and drove away.
Suddenly the girl's eye flashed again, settling into a weird shade of purple. Her left eye had remained brown through the entire episode. She was the kind of girl writers spent unnecessary time describing. Pages and pages and pages. But Dib's under-poetic mind shortened the process.
She was fairly short, about as wide across as a pencil, and had dark skin and black hair. Her hair was cropped to her chin and had a small patch that was changing from green, to blue, to violet. She was wearing a loose black tank top, red jeans, and combat boots. Everyone was staring at her. Torque Smacky started to wander away from his girl-of-the-week and towards the new girl, who was walking delicately towards the building. His girl grabbed him by one beefy arm and was about to scold him until she saw her. Then they both wandered in her direction.
It was sort of creepy, watching everyone but a girl with green hair and a very confused Dib lurch after the new girl like a herd of zombies. Some brave soul reached out to touch her now-yellow highlight. The girl turned around sexily.
That's right. This crazy chick could make turning to face someone who was pulling on her hair sexy.
She beamed at the crowd around her. Somebody -possibly Torque- fainted. People started to whisper. "Who're you?"
She smiled again. A few more people passed out.
"My name," she said, "is Siram." And baring her teeth slightly, she stepped through the squeaky double doors, leaving her fan club in her dust.
xxx
Hmm. That one's the threat, Siram thought. The voice in her head was a gorgeous whisper, of course. Everything about her was gorgeous. They made sure of that.
Doesn't look like much, but may have dangerously high intellectual capabilities, she mentally noted. Siram had a fantastic vocabulary.
She leaned against the bank of lockers in an alluring way. She had been told the second threat went to HiSkool as well. Scanning the crowd, she played with one of her cuffs. It was an old habit left over from-
There. That was him.
Her eye blinked red as she stared at a boy with green skin and black hair. She searched for an adjective to describe his hair. Coming up with nothing particularly impressive, she settled for 'flippy'. He apparently noticed he was being watched and glared at her with light-coloured eyes. But she knew who he really was. And so should everyone.
He, of course, was Zim.
He was striding down the hallway, shoulders back, kicking his feet in front of him slightly. She glanced over him, looking for a potential weakness. She looked at his PAK and grinned. She didn't need to destroy him if he was simply unable to fight back. Standing upright, she pulled her hair behind her ears, put in a pair of earbuds, and did the one thing she knew for sure was capable of neutralizing Irkens.
She started to sing.
Zim had seen the human staring at him. Why shouldn't she stare at him? He was incredibly attractive, and a genius.
But most of all, he was Zim.
He shrugged it off as yet another earth female infatuated with him. Quite a few of them had shown up recently, clamouring for his amazing attention. Zim rejected all of them, of course. He didn't need their creepy affections. He was thinking about getting a slightly- only a little tiny bit uglier disguise to throw off some of the attention when he heard the sound.
The sound!
THE SOUND!
You see, Irken PAKs are equipped with an Inhibitor, to decrease the amount of emotions distracting the wearer. The only ones left untouched were Loyalty (to the empire), Anger (at any non-Irken race), and Fear (of displeasing the Tallest). Zim, being defective, had managed to get a fair bit of Paranoia in there as well. But other than that he had been perfectly normal- perhaps even better than average.
That is, of course, until the Inhibitor exploded.
The wretched girl was walking- nearly freakin' floating- down the hall, singing some stupid Earth song in a voice that was sweet, and clear, and all those lovely adjectives. Unfortunately for Zim, she was also singing at a frequency that caused his Inhibitor to spontaneously combust.
Zim just stood in place. Everyone around him was standing still, too, mesmerized by the ridiculous Earthling. Had she no shame? She finished the song, placed a hand delicately against a doorframe, and walked into the room. People slowly came to life again, but not Zim. He just blinked and twitched.
He had never had full access to his emotions before. He had no clue how to control them, how to keep himself from exploding. So when Dib walked past and shouldered him into a bank of lockers, Zim crumpled to the floor, clutched his sides, and started sobbing hysterically.
Dib turned around at the sound of pained crying. He saw Zim lying against a locker door, shrieking like a baby.
He shook his head and kept walking. One thing was certain.
This was the weirdest day ever.
xxxxx
A/N: What didja think? Read, Review, Flame. I'll update soon if anyone cares. And if it's really bad, MST it or something. I'd probably find that hilarious.