Title: The Beautiful Dove
Author: Glamourcat
E-mail: glamroucat@lycos.com
Part: 1/1
Warnings: m/m pairing, Lina and Amelia bashing (but that shouldn't surprise you either)
Disclaimer: The Slayers characters aren't mine. In fact they belong to Hajime Kanzaka, Rui Araizumi, Kadokawa Shoten, TV TOKYO, SOFTX and Marubeni
Summary: A handsome prince falls for an ogress' handsome son.
Distribution: LN can have it, and anyone else, just ask me first.
Notes: Yet another obscure fairy tale I dug up from my collection of old children's books. I've inserted myself as the omnipotent narrator that they're all complaining to. Hope you like.
Narrator: Once upon a time there was a little old woman who lived in a tumbledown cottage on the edge of a large forest of fig trees and poplars.
Martina: WAIT! Why was I, a follower of Zoamel Gustav, chosen to play a broken down old woman? Anyone can see that my beauty surpasses anything that you could possibly call little or old!
Narrator: If you don't shut up I'll get Rezo to play this role and he'll wind up with Zangulus.
Martina: Zangulus is in this fic?
Narrator: I was planning on it until you interrupted.
Martina: Um, never mind. Just carry on as you were.
Narrator: Gee thanks. Where was I? Oh, right. This old woman, who was called Martina, was very poor because some red witch named Lina had blown up her kingdom and left Martina as a beggar. She was so poor that she had to spend all day begging for just enough food to keep body and soul together. Unfortunately, she didn't realize that if she stopped begging from Xelloss, the mazoku, she'd have probably gotten back on her feet sooner.
Martina: What was that?
Narrator: Nothing, go back to sleep, I'll call you when you're on.
Martina: Oh. Okay.
Narrator: One day, while she was out walking, she was lucky enough to meet a kind person who gave her a big basket brimming with peas and beans. Martina went home very happy, though slightly disturbed that the kind stranger had kept calling her "dear Martina." She put that thought aside and was soon thinking about the delicious meal she was going to cook.
No sooner was she home, then she put the peas and the beans into her best earthenware pot, placed the pot on the windowsill and set off into the woods to collect some logs for her fire.
Soon afterwards, Zelgadis, the son of the king, happened to pass that way, as he was out hunting. When he saw the pot on the windowsill, he said to his attendant knights.
Zelgadis: WAIT!
Narrator: What now?
Zelgadis: I don't like this next scene. You're casting me as an arrogant upstart who's over confident in his own abilities!
Narrator: Well, aren't you?
Zelgadis: .
Narrator: Oh shut-up and put-up! Be a jerk now and you'll get very well rewarded later.
Zelgadis: I dunno.
Narrator: Fine, I'll blame your behavior on the Mazoku, okay?
Zelgadis: Okay!
Narrator: Now can I get back to the story?
Zelgadis: Sure, sure, whatever you say.
*Narrator growls*
Narrator: When the prince saw the pot on the windowsill, he said to his attendant knights,
Zelgadis: I'll wager you that I can smash the pot to pieces with a single shot!
Narrator: Now, we all know the prince was KIND, and wouldn't have done this ordinarily but for the influence of the evil Mazoku.
Xelloss: I thought you liked me.
Narrator: I do.
Xelloss: Then why are you typecasting me like this?
Narrator: It's a convenient plot device and the rest of the cast won't work unless you get the blame for everything that goes wrong.
Xelloss: Well, as long as they all hate me, I suppose it's okay.
Narrator: . Okay. Can I get back to the story now?
Xelloss: That.
Narrator: Say it and you're fired.
Xelloss: Ulp. Bye!
Narrator: Taking long and careful aim, he shattered the pot to smithereens, and its precious contents were scattered in the mud. At that moment, the poor old woman returned. When she saw her long-awaited meal lying trampled on the ground, she turned and cursed the prince.
Martina: I get to curse him? Now that's more like it!
Narrator: Just hurry up and get this over with.
Martina: You scoundrel! You didn't spare a thought for my misery, did you? Well, you will be punished for this. In the name of Zoamel Gustav you will fall in love with the son of a wicked ogress and you will have to suffer many ordeals!"
Narrator: When he heard these words, the prince just burst out laughing and rode off without even bothering to reply. A little later the prince lost sight of his companions and met a beautiful young girl who was picking flowers to fill the basket on her arm. Being thusly captivated by her long blond hair and nice round butt he spoke to her.
Zelgadis: Please fair maiden tell me your name.
Narrator: The young girl turned around and revealed that he wasn't a girl after all.
Gourry: Hi! My name's Gourry! But I'd scarcely call myself a fair maiden. I'm not even a girl!
Narrator: It was right about then that the prince did a face fault and understood the curse that Martina had put on him. Still, with a butt that cute he figured, why not?
Zelgadis: You are so beautiful and so sweet that I think I am already in love with you!
Narrator: The words had hardly left his lips when an ogress or quite terrifying ugliness, sprang out from behind a bush. She glared at the prince, posed, tossed her fire red hair and cackled evilly.
Lina: WAIT!
Narrator: OH FOR THE LOVE OF PETE! WHAT NOW?
Lina: How come I've been cast as an ogress? It certainly doesn't fit my.
Zelgadis and Gourry: YES IT DOES!
Narrator: Besides, you're the red witch I mentioned earlier that sent Martina into poverty and started this whole story in the first place. So you have no one to blame for any of this, but yourself.
Lina: OH FINE THEN! Just see if I let you guys off easy!
Zelgadis and Gourry: Whatever.
Narrator: May I?
Zelgadis: By all means, continue.
Narrator: Thanks. Lina, the next line is yours.
Lina *growling under her breath*: Fine. A-hem. How DARE you court my son with such compliments! I don't know who you might be, but you're certainly going to find out who I am!
Narrator: She seized the young prince by the scruff of the neck, as if he were no more than a common and troublesome rabbit, and pushed him into an enormous field.
Lina: If you don't want me to eat you alive you'll have this whole field dug and sown by tonight!
Narrator: The prince wasn't overly concerned with this task. After all, he was a mystic shaman this shouldn't take long. After the ogress had gone, Gourry came up to the unfortunate prince and tried to console him.
Gourry: Don't despair! I will help you, if you like!
Narrator: Zelgadis decided he liked the idea of being consoled by the handsome blond and allowed himself to be helped. Thanks to the magic powers at his command and Gourry's help the field was dug and sown within minutes. At dusk, the ogress returned. When she realized that the task she had set him had been completed to perfection, her eyes blazed with rage.
Lina: Since you are so wonderfully efficient, by tomorrow you can split every single log in that huge pile over there. Get to work at once!
Narrator: Once again the handsome Gourry offered to help the prince, but using his magic powers to do the chore, Zelgadis was left with plenty of snuggle time with his sweetie before the ogress came back. Unfortunately, the ogress was extremely suspicious by nature. She guessed that her son must be helping him somehow, but couldn't quite figure out the details of it.
Lina: I will give you twenty-four hours to empty that cistern. It holds a million gallons of water. And above all, you must do it alone. If anyone helps you, it will be the end of you!
Narrator: Gourry very wisely and earnestly advised the prince to take flight.
Gourry: I think my mother knows that you've been accomplishing the tasks she set you to do through magic so that we can have snuggle bunny time afterwards. If you succeed in emptying the cistern as well, her revenge will be terrible!
Narrator: By using his magic, Zelgadis conjured up a long underground tunnel, which led to a nearby town and the young man and his companion fled towards the palace of the king. On the way, they stopped at a little country inn.
Zelgadis: Wait for me here, Gourry! I shall go to the palace and get a carriage, servants, and clothes because I love you and I want to marry you!
Narrator: Meanwhile, the ogress had returned home and discovered, to her extreme annoyance, that both her son and the young prince had disappeared. She was furious.
Lina: May the prince no longer have any memory of Gourry! May he forget him completely at the precise instant he arrives at the palace and receives the first kiss!
Narrator: Now, it so happened that the prince's mother, Eris, ran to greet her son on the great marble staircase and that she kissed him with tears of relief and joy. In that instant, all memory of Gourry was wiped from his mind. His mother made an announcement.
Eris: The Princess of Seyruun has come to visit us! She is very rich and elegant and also exceptionally pretty when she's not tripping on the hem of her dress! I think you will make a very handsome couple! The wedding will take place in a week!
Zelgadis: WAIT!
Narrator: Do you have any idea how close I am to quitting?
Zelgadis: Just please, tell me one thing. I don't actually have to marry her, do I?
Narrator: I wouldn't do anything like that to you.
Xelloss: I would.
Zelgadis: Where'd you come from?
Xelloss: That is a secret.
Narrator: Will the two of you please let me get back to the story?
Xelloss and Zelgadis: Okay, okay, we'll be good!
Narrator: Finally. Anyway, being brainwashed by the ogress' spell he agreed willingly and gave the order to being the preparations for the marriage. There was not much time and the whole palace, from cellars to attics bustled with frantic activity. Meanwhile, Gourry was impatiently waiting at the inn for Zelgadis' return-especially since he'd eaten everything stored in the larder already. He was heartbroken when he heard from the innkeeper that the prince was about to be married to a beautiful young princess. But, despite the cruel pain he was suffering (and believe me, his stomach was growling pretty loudly) he did not hesitate for a moment. He disguised himself as a cook and went to the palace to find out for himself if what had been said was true.
Gourry: That, and I am REALLY hungry! I can get feed in the palace kitchens if they think I'm a cook!
Narrator: Gourry?
Gourry: Yes?
Narrator: Please, don't speak until it's in the script and just stand there and look pretty.
Gourry: I can do that!
Narrator: Good boy. Anyway, he asked for directions to the royal kitchen and applied to work as a kitchen hand.
Gourry: Do kitchens have hands? What would that look like?
Narrator: Gourry?
Gourry: What?
Narrator: Remember what I said before about shutting up and looking pretty?
Gourry: Yes, why?
Narrator: It still applies.
Gourry: Oh. Okay!
Narrator: As there was a great deal of work to be done, Gourry was hired on the spot. A few days before Zelgadis' wedding to the Princess of Seyruun, the prince was served a magnificent cake decorated with marzipan and fruits. He cut into it. As he did, a white dove flew out of the cake and sang sweetly.
Dove *which sounds suspiciously like Filia because I had to cast her somewhere in this*: Have you forgotten the one who helped you escape the ogress and who loves you so dearly?
Narrator: The prince looked very troubled for a moment but realized that this could be a way out of the impending marriage.
Zelgadis: Send for the person who baked this cake!
Narrator: It was Gourry who had baked the cake. And no, he didn't know how the magic dove got in there either, it was just a convenient plot device of the narrator so don't confuse him by asking. As soon as Zelgadis saw him again he recognized the other man and remembered all his kindness and sweetness and the promise he made to him when they parted. They went for a long walk together as they had much to tell each other and snogging to catch up on.
Amelia: But what about me?
Narrator: But what about you?
Amelia: I thought I was going to get to marry Zelgadis and have.
Narrator: If you say little gray babies I bring Lina in here to dragon slave you on the spot.
Amelia: *Meep*
Narrator: Soon afterwards Gourry and Zelgadis were married amid the most joyous celebrations throughout the kingdom. And the poor Princess of Seyruun had to make her way home alone. The end.
Martina: HEY! WAIT!
Narrator: What now? The story's over.
Martina: You said that if I went along with your script I'd get Zangulus!
Narrator: I lied.
Martina: WHY YOU!
Narrator: I blame the Mazoku.
Xelloss: There you go again with the typecasting! Honestly, just once I'd like to do something that's not evil.
Zelgadis and Gourry: Um, excuse us, but we're on our honeymoon, and we'd appreciate it if you would all SHUT-UP AND GO SOMEWHERE ELSE!
Narrator, Martina, and Xelloss: Sorry!
Narrator: That's it. I do quit. Goodnight everyone.
The End.for real now.I mean it.leave already people.SHEESH!
Author: Glamourcat
E-mail: glamroucat@lycos.com
Part: 1/1
Warnings: m/m pairing, Lina and Amelia bashing (but that shouldn't surprise you either)
Disclaimer: The Slayers characters aren't mine. In fact they belong to Hajime Kanzaka, Rui Araizumi, Kadokawa Shoten, TV TOKYO, SOFTX and Marubeni
Summary: A handsome prince falls for an ogress' handsome son.
Distribution: LN can have it, and anyone else, just ask me first.
Notes: Yet another obscure fairy tale I dug up from my collection of old children's books. I've inserted myself as the omnipotent narrator that they're all complaining to. Hope you like.
Narrator: Once upon a time there was a little old woman who lived in a tumbledown cottage on the edge of a large forest of fig trees and poplars.
Martina: WAIT! Why was I, a follower of Zoamel Gustav, chosen to play a broken down old woman? Anyone can see that my beauty surpasses anything that you could possibly call little or old!
Narrator: If you don't shut up I'll get Rezo to play this role and he'll wind up with Zangulus.
Martina: Zangulus is in this fic?
Narrator: I was planning on it until you interrupted.
Martina: Um, never mind. Just carry on as you were.
Narrator: Gee thanks. Where was I? Oh, right. This old woman, who was called Martina, was very poor because some red witch named Lina had blown up her kingdom and left Martina as a beggar. She was so poor that she had to spend all day begging for just enough food to keep body and soul together. Unfortunately, she didn't realize that if she stopped begging from Xelloss, the mazoku, she'd have probably gotten back on her feet sooner.
Martina: What was that?
Narrator: Nothing, go back to sleep, I'll call you when you're on.
Martina: Oh. Okay.
Narrator: One day, while she was out walking, she was lucky enough to meet a kind person who gave her a big basket brimming with peas and beans. Martina went home very happy, though slightly disturbed that the kind stranger had kept calling her "dear Martina." She put that thought aside and was soon thinking about the delicious meal she was going to cook.
No sooner was she home, then she put the peas and the beans into her best earthenware pot, placed the pot on the windowsill and set off into the woods to collect some logs for her fire.
Soon afterwards, Zelgadis, the son of the king, happened to pass that way, as he was out hunting. When he saw the pot on the windowsill, he said to his attendant knights.
Zelgadis: WAIT!
Narrator: What now?
Zelgadis: I don't like this next scene. You're casting me as an arrogant upstart who's over confident in his own abilities!
Narrator: Well, aren't you?
Zelgadis: .
Narrator: Oh shut-up and put-up! Be a jerk now and you'll get very well rewarded later.
Zelgadis: I dunno.
Narrator: Fine, I'll blame your behavior on the Mazoku, okay?
Zelgadis: Okay!
Narrator: Now can I get back to the story?
Zelgadis: Sure, sure, whatever you say.
*Narrator growls*
Narrator: When the prince saw the pot on the windowsill, he said to his attendant knights,
Zelgadis: I'll wager you that I can smash the pot to pieces with a single shot!
Narrator: Now, we all know the prince was KIND, and wouldn't have done this ordinarily but for the influence of the evil Mazoku.
Xelloss: I thought you liked me.
Narrator: I do.
Xelloss: Then why are you typecasting me like this?
Narrator: It's a convenient plot device and the rest of the cast won't work unless you get the blame for everything that goes wrong.
Xelloss: Well, as long as they all hate me, I suppose it's okay.
Narrator: . Okay. Can I get back to the story now?
Xelloss: That.
Narrator: Say it and you're fired.
Xelloss: Ulp. Bye!
Narrator: Taking long and careful aim, he shattered the pot to smithereens, and its precious contents were scattered in the mud. At that moment, the poor old woman returned. When she saw her long-awaited meal lying trampled on the ground, she turned and cursed the prince.
Martina: I get to curse him? Now that's more like it!
Narrator: Just hurry up and get this over with.
Martina: You scoundrel! You didn't spare a thought for my misery, did you? Well, you will be punished for this. In the name of Zoamel Gustav you will fall in love with the son of a wicked ogress and you will have to suffer many ordeals!"
Narrator: When he heard these words, the prince just burst out laughing and rode off without even bothering to reply. A little later the prince lost sight of his companions and met a beautiful young girl who was picking flowers to fill the basket on her arm. Being thusly captivated by her long blond hair and nice round butt he spoke to her.
Zelgadis: Please fair maiden tell me your name.
Narrator: The young girl turned around and revealed that he wasn't a girl after all.
Gourry: Hi! My name's Gourry! But I'd scarcely call myself a fair maiden. I'm not even a girl!
Narrator: It was right about then that the prince did a face fault and understood the curse that Martina had put on him. Still, with a butt that cute he figured, why not?
Zelgadis: You are so beautiful and so sweet that I think I am already in love with you!
Narrator: The words had hardly left his lips when an ogress or quite terrifying ugliness, sprang out from behind a bush. She glared at the prince, posed, tossed her fire red hair and cackled evilly.
Lina: WAIT!
Narrator: OH FOR THE LOVE OF PETE! WHAT NOW?
Lina: How come I've been cast as an ogress? It certainly doesn't fit my.
Zelgadis and Gourry: YES IT DOES!
Narrator: Besides, you're the red witch I mentioned earlier that sent Martina into poverty and started this whole story in the first place. So you have no one to blame for any of this, but yourself.
Lina: OH FINE THEN! Just see if I let you guys off easy!
Zelgadis and Gourry: Whatever.
Narrator: May I?
Zelgadis: By all means, continue.
Narrator: Thanks. Lina, the next line is yours.
Lina *growling under her breath*: Fine. A-hem. How DARE you court my son with such compliments! I don't know who you might be, but you're certainly going to find out who I am!
Narrator: She seized the young prince by the scruff of the neck, as if he were no more than a common and troublesome rabbit, and pushed him into an enormous field.
Lina: If you don't want me to eat you alive you'll have this whole field dug and sown by tonight!
Narrator: The prince wasn't overly concerned with this task. After all, he was a mystic shaman this shouldn't take long. After the ogress had gone, Gourry came up to the unfortunate prince and tried to console him.
Gourry: Don't despair! I will help you, if you like!
Narrator: Zelgadis decided he liked the idea of being consoled by the handsome blond and allowed himself to be helped. Thanks to the magic powers at his command and Gourry's help the field was dug and sown within minutes. At dusk, the ogress returned. When she realized that the task she had set him had been completed to perfection, her eyes blazed with rage.
Lina: Since you are so wonderfully efficient, by tomorrow you can split every single log in that huge pile over there. Get to work at once!
Narrator: Once again the handsome Gourry offered to help the prince, but using his magic powers to do the chore, Zelgadis was left with plenty of snuggle time with his sweetie before the ogress came back. Unfortunately, the ogress was extremely suspicious by nature. She guessed that her son must be helping him somehow, but couldn't quite figure out the details of it.
Lina: I will give you twenty-four hours to empty that cistern. It holds a million gallons of water. And above all, you must do it alone. If anyone helps you, it will be the end of you!
Narrator: Gourry very wisely and earnestly advised the prince to take flight.
Gourry: I think my mother knows that you've been accomplishing the tasks she set you to do through magic so that we can have snuggle bunny time afterwards. If you succeed in emptying the cistern as well, her revenge will be terrible!
Narrator: By using his magic, Zelgadis conjured up a long underground tunnel, which led to a nearby town and the young man and his companion fled towards the palace of the king. On the way, they stopped at a little country inn.
Zelgadis: Wait for me here, Gourry! I shall go to the palace and get a carriage, servants, and clothes because I love you and I want to marry you!
Narrator: Meanwhile, the ogress had returned home and discovered, to her extreme annoyance, that both her son and the young prince had disappeared. She was furious.
Lina: May the prince no longer have any memory of Gourry! May he forget him completely at the precise instant he arrives at the palace and receives the first kiss!
Narrator: Now, it so happened that the prince's mother, Eris, ran to greet her son on the great marble staircase and that she kissed him with tears of relief and joy. In that instant, all memory of Gourry was wiped from his mind. His mother made an announcement.
Eris: The Princess of Seyruun has come to visit us! She is very rich and elegant and also exceptionally pretty when she's not tripping on the hem of her dress! I think you will make a very handsome couple! The wedding will take place in a week!
Zelgadis: WAIT!
Narrator: Do you have any idea how close I am to quitting?
Zelgadis: Just please, tell me one thing. I don't actually have to marry her, do I?
Narrator: I wouldn't do anything like that to you.
Xelloss: I would.
Zelgadis: Where'd you come from?
Xelloss: That is a secret.
Narrator: Will the two of you please let me get back to the story?
Xelloss and Zelgadis: Okay, okay, we'll be good!
Narrator: Finally. Anyway, being brainwashed by the ogress' spell he agreed willingly and gave the order to being the preparations for the marriage. There was not much time and the whole palace, from cellars to attics bustled with frantic activity. Meanwhile, Gourry was impatiently waiting at the inn for Zelgadis' return-especially since he'd eaten everything stored in the larder already. He was heartbroken when he heard from the innkeeper that the prince was about to be married to a beautiful young princess. But, despite the cruel pain he was suffering (and believe me, his stomach was growling pretty loudly) he did not hesitate for a moment. He disguised himself as a cook and went to the palace to find out for himself if what had been said was true.
Gourry: That, and I am REALLY hungry! I can get feed in the palace kitchens if they think I'm a cook!
Narrator: Gourry?
Gourry: Yes?
Narrator: Please, don't speak until it's in the script and just stand there and look pretty.
Gourry: I can do that!
Narrator: Good boy. Anyway, he asked for directions to the royal kitchen and applied to work as a kitchen hand.
Gourry: Do kitchens have hands? What would that look like?
Narrator: Gourry?
Gourry: What?
Narrator: Remember what I said before about shutting up and looking pretty?
Gourry: Yes, why?
Narrator: It still applies.
Gourry: Oh. Okay!
Narrator: As there was a great deal of work to be done, Gourry was hired on the spot. A few days before Zelgadis' wedding to the Princess of Seyruun, the prince was served a magnificent cake decorated with marzipan and fruits. He cut into it. As he did, a white dove flew out of the cake and sang sweetly.
Dove *which sounds suspiciously like Filia because I had to cast her somewhere in this*: Have you forgotten the one who helped you escape the ogress and who loves you so dearly?
Narrator: The prince looked very troubled for a moment but realized that this could be a way out of the impending marriage.
Zelgadis: Send for the person who baked this cake!
Narrator: It was Gourry who had baked the cake. And no, he didn't know how the magic dove got in there either, it was just a convenient plot device of the narrator so don't confuse him by asking. As soon as Zelgadis saw him again he recognized the other man and remembered all his kindness and sweetness and the promise he made to him when they parted. They went for a long walk together as they had much to tell each other and snogging to catch up on.
Amelia: But what about me?
Narrator: But what about you?
Amelia: I thought I was going to get to marry Zelgadis and have.
Narrator: If you say little gray babies I bring Lina in here to dragon slave you on the spot.
Amelia: *Meep*
Narrator: Soon afterwards Gourry and Zelgadis were married amid the most joyous celebrations throughout the kingdom. And the poor Princess of Seyruun had to make her way home alone. The end.
Martina: HEY! WAIT!
Narrator: What now? The story's over.
Martina: You said that if I went along with your script I'd get Zangulus!
Narrator: I lied.
Martina: WHY YOU!
Narrator: I blame the Mazoku.
Xelloss: There you go again with the typecasting! Honestly, just once I'd like to do something that's not evil.
Zelgadis and Gourry: Um, excuse us, but we're on our honeymoon, and we'd appreciate it if you would all SHUT-UP AND GO SOMEWHERE ELSE!
Narrator, Martina, and Xelloss: Sorry!
Narrator: That's it. I do quit. Goodnight everyone.
The End.for real now.I mean it.leave already people.SHEESH!