AN: So I wrote this drabble in an attempt to show a little depth to the RED team. As I wrote it, it didn't turn out how I wanted it to, so I scrapped it. Still, it's an entertaining little piece, if a little bare and rushed.
"Hey Doc," said Danny from the breakfast table, "we got any condoms?"
Every man around that table looked up at Danny with various expressions, but Wolfgang's own was one of confusion. The eggs on his fork slid off to fall back onto his plate, and the fork itself joined them shortly afterward.
"May I ask vhy, Herr Scout?" Danny's only response was to grin and point in the direction of the BLU base. The unspoken words hit the men like a ton of bricks.
"Are y'all serious, son?"
"Fraternizing with the enemy is for commies and-"
"Tiny Scout wants BLU babies?"
"Mate, nothing good will come-"
"HEY!" Danny leapt up and silenced everyone. "Look, I think I got a chance with their Pyro."
"Herr Scout," Wolfgang sighed wearily. "I must strongly suggest zat you simply get over it. Perhaps you can find female companionship in town, but you cannot possibly hope to court ze BLU Pyro."
"You're just jealous cuz I've got a bettah chance than ya," Danny said, rolling his eyes. "I mean look at me! I'm all young and good lookin' and you're…well… you." Wolfgang's eyes narrowed and he opened his mouth to say something when he was interrupted by Lawrence.
"Why the Pyro outta all them sheilas on that team?" he asked. Danny grinned again and cupped his hands in front of his chest.
"One word," he said, "tits. I like tits, and that Pyro's got tha best pair on that team. They're tha perfect size and tha perfect shape."
Again, all the other men began to talk over themselves. Some agreed with the Scout, some disagreed, and some were making their own opinions.
"Son, it aint right ta just objectify a woman like that. Women are more'n just their looks. I myself prefer a woman's brains over-"
"Bullshit."
Dell's words tapered off and he glared at Danny through his goggles.
"I beg your pardon, boy?" Danny pointed around the room.
"Every guy in this room cares about a broad's looks. Maybe not completely, but there's at least one part of a broad that a guy looks at. So don't start spewing that self-righteous bullshit about preferring a broad's brains."
Silence fell after that, each man looking pensive.
"Like big woman," Viktor finally said.
"Practical," said Dell. "I don't think a small woman could survive."
"No," said Viktor. "Like big woman because big woman knows how to cook. Knows how to make good food. And will keep me warm in winter." He smiled, and Danny chuckled.
"See?" He said. "Even the Ruskie has a something he likes ta look at. If he does, then all of yous guys gotta have one too." Marcel puffed his cigarette and blew out a jet of smoke with a smile.
"Les cheveux," he said. "When I was wiz my past lovers my favorite zing to do was to run my fingers through zeir 'air. I loved ze silkiness."
Danny nodded his head slowly.
"Ok, I nevah really thought of a broad's hair, but ok." He looked around the table. "Who's next?"
"Legs," said Wolfgang. Everyone looked at the German in surprise.
"Really?" Danny asked in disbelief. "I thought ya would say their skin or blood or organs or something like that." Wolfgang smiled as he slowly shook his head.
"Ven I vas ein junge," he said as if recalling a memory, "I vas alvays mesmerized by ze frauleins in ze ballet. Such power in zeir legs, such grace. Zose long legs zat lead directly to paradise."
"Gay," said Danny, earning a glare from Wolfgang. "Ya were doing good until ya started getting all poetic and shit."
"Vat is zis a team exercise?"
"Yeah," Danny nodded slowly. "I like the sound of that. This is a team exercise and yous guys are all gonna spill. Ruskie, the frog, me, and the Doc have all said our bit. So who's next?"
No one said a word until Tavish spoke up.
"Ye are all a buncha wusses ye can' even talk abou' women. I like a lass's hands. They're always so small and smooth an'-" he hiccupped and promptly passed out in drunkenness.
"I bet he likes hands for anotha reason," Danny snorted.
"I like a sheila's neck," said Lawrence. Marcel rolled his eyes.
"Must you always be such an animal?" He said. The team looked confused.
"What do ya mean by that?" Dell asked. Marcel shook his head and puffed his cigarette.
"Ze neck is always associated wiz ze animal kingdom because of ze importance it plays in rank. Biting ze neck of anozer animal shows dominance while baring your neck to anozer animal shows submission. Is zat why you like necks, bushman?"
"Nah," Lawrence shook his head. "I just like the sound a sheila makes when you give it the proper attention."
"Mrph hrrm mrh thrm mrgh hrg yrgs phrt durr terph," Pyro said, or rather mumbled.
"What did he say?" Danny asked.
"He said that he likes a woman's eyes," said Dell. "I myself prefer the hips. Back in Texas we value a woman with a nice set of child bearin' hips. My own Irene has a nice big set of hips."
"Do you like ze behind zat comes viz such hips?" Wolfang asked. Dell chuckled.
"I sure don't hate it," he said. Danny counted in his head and realized that there was one more who hadn't spoken yet.
"Solly!" he rounded on Jane. "You're tha only one left. What do you prefer on a woman?"
"I don't have to answer that hippy question!" Jane shouted as he jumped up from his chair. "This shitty exercise is over!" he left the mess hall, still grumbling to himself.
"Damn," groused Danny. "The hell's his problem?"
"'E is embarrassed by 'is preference," Marcel said with a grin.
"Ya know what he likes, Spook?" Lawrence asked. Marcel nodded.
"'E prefers feet," he said. No one knew what to make of that.