EXPLANATIONS

More might possibly come. Read and review please! Here comes the attempt to dodge flames by claiming that this is my first displayed LotR fanfic.

Disclaimer: Lord of the Rings is not mine. The original concept belonged to JRR Tolkien and the rights have been bought by New Line Cinema. And of course Sauron owned the title of 'Lord of the Rings' because of his... kindness... yes... kindness, precioussssss... ¬¬

Many thanks to Karri and Iremray of the Darkened S and countless others for correcting and checking me. Someone who can't tell the difference between Leggy and Sexy-Nose (I swear, someone said that Haldir has a sexy nose on a forum somewhere) should be shot. So you have permission to kill me.

?????? Redo and Start ???????

To quote Gandalf, "Many fell creatures exist in the deep places of the world.". There are very few things which surpass a Balrog in its ability to terrify. One of these is your great-grandmother after you stuffed up Christmas dinner by screaming out Eminem lyrics at the table, another your older brother when his guitar string's broken. The worst of these is an elf whose perm didn't go right.

EXPLANATIONS Episode 1: Why Haldir (see? fixed now!) is Blonde

The wails of Haldir, Silvan Elf of Lorien, echoed through Middle-Earth. The simulacrums of elves looked up from their feast in Mirkwood, which was conveniently set up so as to capture as many dwarves and hobbits as possible, and vanished mysteriously just as a group of dwarvish and hobbit- like adventurers were just about to reach them.

Thorin Oakenshield cursed softly as he realised they were lost. He blamed the hobbit and all was well again.

"What have you done to my hair?!" the elf shrieked. "WHAT HAPPENED TO IT?!"

The hairdresser, being an elf himself, shook in terror as the purple-green eyes of his prince were fixed upon him in anger. The young elf reached a shaking hand to his hair, once a shining rich deep russet, now platinum blonde. "I look like Lady Galadriel!" the shocked archer shrieked. "Why did you do that?!"

"I'm sorry!" the hairdresser squeaked. "Saruman the White sent it to Celeborn! He said it'd do wonders for the hair of the warriors!"

"Saruman the WHITE," Haldir snapped. "WHITE. You should've known it was bleach..." he picked up the bottle. "It even says 'WHITE WIZARD' [1] on the bottle. Why didn't you ask Radagast?"

"Because, lord prince," explained the auburn-haired elf, "Radagast doesn't wash his hair. 'Twould have been like to asking Lord Aragorn what brand of shaving cream he uses."

Haldir nodded. "You have a point there. NOW DYE IT BACK!"

"We don't have any dye..."

The Elf's eyes nearly popped out of his head. "You don't have DYE?! What kind of Elven kingdom is this?!" the now-blonde shrieked. "I want to dye it back!"

"A secret, magical kingdom. It'll grow out in, say, 1000 years," offered Eregorn.{2}

This time, even the Necromancer had to put in his earplugs, despite the fact that he was merely a disembodied foot{3}. He made a passing comment to one of his dread servants that the soundproof walls surrounding his tower room{4} needed to be checked.

Kili burst an eardrum. Of course, this went unnoticed as he was strung upside down from a tree at the time and thought he was hallucinating. The other dwarves were unconscious and Bilbo was too busy trying to turn off the 'glow' function in his new sword at the time.

Had Haldir known he would have had to go welcome a group of travellers merely 60 years later, he would have stopped fake-fainting and imported some Ar'ol Calaquendi Colours{4}.

[1] Maiatifically Proven! No More Greys! Guaranteed!

{2} NOT Aragorn. 'Aragorn' means 'tree of light' or 'mighty tree'. 'Eregorn' means 'thorn tree'. There's a diff, and it's not just the fact that they have different vowels.

{3} The Necromancer (Sauron) was a foot before he became an eye. He turned himself into a foot to crush the enemies of his tower, but soon realised that without a leg a foot is useless. Especially against Tinea Chaunts.

{4} He didn't like to be disturbed. And without eyes, the giant fork would have been of no point. What EVIL DARK OVERLORD wants to look like escargot?

{5} Ar'ol own themselves and the name 'Calaquendi Colours' but this was merely product placement due to their WONDERFUL sponsorship. °:)

Sorry this was short, did all I could to stretch it out, ssswear on... the keyboard! Yesss, the keyboard!! My precioussssssss... review ussss pleassssssssee... Shmeagol needssss reviewsessss... preciousssssssss...